A Little Too Much

How does one reckon with the fact that they’ve never truly lived? Maya was a gold-medal Olympian, the youngest Seattle fire captain, so why does she still feel like her whole life has been going through the motions? Every moment, every achievement, she had to look ahead to the next one. Eyes Forward. If she was allowed to sit and wait before the next big thing, would she still feel like this? Would she still question if this was really what living should be?

Because if Maya has truly been living, then what makes it all worth it? If this feeling is how it’s supposed to be, how is everyone else always so optimistic? Why would anyone want to keep going when it is all this empty, sinking feeling?

It’s the third and last day of her 5150 hold, but it doesn’t feel like anything has changed. So what was the point? It’s not like she had any big revelation, and massive emotional breakthrough. Her wife (ex-wife?) left her here, betrayed Maya, for what? A couple days where Maya is forced to be alone with her thoughts? 

Isn’t this the point in the movies where everyone comes to visit the main character, and tells them they are loved?

That they deserve love?

Then again, Maya has never been the main character, has she? Supporting players don’t get deep character arcs, unless it benefits the protagonist. And all Maya has ever been, is the supporting role in everyone else’s life. Her winning the Olympics wasn’t for her, it was for her dad. Everything involving Station 19’s captaincy is to progress Andy. Hell, Carina didn’t want to settle down or have kids before Maya, so was Maya just a piece to redirect Carina? Was Maya ever more than an antagonist in Mason’s life?

What kind of supporting character is she, if all Maya does is ruin everyone’s life?

She isn’t. She’s the source of conflict, isn’t she? Why else would she always end up back in the same place?

Maya no longer cares if they release her tonight. What else are they going to do, let her wither away in front of them? At least if she’s released they aren’t liable anymore. They can wipe their hands clean, and say they tried their best, but she was just too broken. Deeply sorry for your loss, but sometimes people are just meant to leave.

But Maya hasn’t ever left anyone, it’s always them leaving her, isn’t it? And now Carina has finally walked out on her for the last time. She isn’t coming back, Maya foolishly made sure of that. It’s for the best though, as always. Now at least Carina can leave easily. If they had a baby together before Carina realized what a mess Maya was, she would have stayed out of guilt. Out of obligation.

And Maya just wants Carina to be happy. If that means Maya needs to be alone again, then so be it.  

So yeah. Is Maya really living? Has she ever?

If all that life is, is going through the endless motions, then Maya doesn’t want to be a part of it anymore. It always ends up the same anyway, so why would the next time be any different? It goes like this: Maya meets someone, they make her feel wanted, life knocks her down, Maya hurts the someone while thrashing to find her footing, and then they leave. What’s the saying, that insanity is doing something over and over and expecting a different result?

Well, she is in a 5150 hold so maybe Maya is insane. Which means she needs to stop expecting things to change.

She’s tried running, she’s tried leading the fireground, she’s tried love. If they all have the same result, then there must be a common denominator, right?

So the only thing that can be the real problem is Maya herself, right?

 Maya needs to sort this out before someone else gets hurt. She’s already hurt Carina, which was the one thing she swore she’d never do. The problem needs to be eliminated before the damage becomes too much. And Maya is nothing if not a planner. And so her mind cycles through possible ways to remove the problem.

And the only real solution is to get rid of her, isn’t it?

So when the mandatory therapist to release her asks what her plans are, Maya is ready.

She’s going to deep clean for a fresh start (it will make it easier for Carina to sell the place).

She’s going to reach out to family (are funeral invitations still a thing?).

She’s going to find and support local businesses (find a funeral home and good estate attorney).

She’s going to write unsent letters to get her feelings off her chest (it will be left on the kitchen table).

And lastly, she’s going to be closer to nature (cremating a firefighter is too corny).

So. 

How does Maya reckon with the fact that she’s never truly lived? Well, she stops the living part.