Planning for the End
Maya has always found comfort in her plans.
She’s released just after sun-down. No one is there to pick her up, and no one from the hospital offers a ride. Maya knows she should call an uber, but instead chooses to walk home.
After all, why should she care if her ankle heals, when it won’t matter soon?
She walks through the brisk streets of Seattle in the dark. For once, Maya isn’t in a rush. She finally has all the time in the world. It’s too late in the day to begin her plans, such as calling estate lawyers. So instead she takes in the Seattle air, and takes the chance to observe the world around her.
Maya doesn’t know if she’s ever felt such peace.
Is this what she’s been looking for in the clouds? No more weight of responsibilities, no more stressing over the future? She can’t help but smile as she stuffs her hands in her pockets, watching the cars drive past her along the road. It’s comforting she could just take 2 steps to the right at any moment, and it would all be over. She won’t do that though, enough people have been hurt by her existence, she needs to make sure everything is taken care of for when she’s gone.
Maya grew up here in Seattle; has lived here her entire life. And yet, she doesn’t think she’s ever seen such beauty in it until tonight. The honking cars don’t make her jump, the bright lights call to her instead of blind her away. Soon, she repeats to herself.
It’s almost like the world is in slow-motion, and she’s experiencing everything for the first time. Engine 23 passes by, sirens wailing, and for once there’s no envy in her stomach. Normal-Maya would be itching to join them, hoping that 19 would be called in seconds later. New-Maya, Soon-to-be-Gone-Maya, is calmed by the sirens’ sweet song. Rather than piercing her ears, it forms a harmony with the other bustling noises of the city.
The colors on the buildings are brighter, the air feels cleaner, and her ankle doesn’t even hurt. She’s finally wrapped up in her blanket of clouds.
When she gets home, she is still smiling. Maya feels lightweight as she marks off her calendar for 2 weeks away. She fills in a date for when to send out funeral invitations so they arrive the day after. She sets a day aside to write the letters. She’s unsure if she’ll write to more than just Carina, but she has that whole day to decide. Deadlines are set for when she should have everything filed with the lawyer. And finally, the day of, is when she will do her deep-cleaning. Nice and fresh for the coroner to visit.
She dances around the kitchen as she heats up mac and cheese, a food she was never allowed to have growing up.
The calm washes over her, and that night Maya has the best sleep of her life. No anxious thoughts to overwhelm her, no stress about work, no doubting of Carina’s love. Everything just seems to fade away.
When she wakes up, she isn’t disappointed anymore to see the lack of notifications. Instead, she feels a little giddy. No notifications means no one to ruin her plans. And the plans are kept close to Maya’s chest, for no one but her.
Honestly? Maya isn’t even sure what she would do if someone did reach out.
Instead Maya steps out to pick up the legal paperwork necessary to update her will. Once again, she can’t wipe the light smile off her face. The sun feels warmer, the wind feels less harsh. It’s like the world is showing its gratitude for her finally making the right decision.
When the lawyer and other people at the office appear concerned, and ask why she needs this all so suddenly, the lie comes easy. Terminal illness, doesn’t know when and just wants to be prepared. The concern turns to sympathy, and one offers to pray for her.
She walks back with the papers in hand, and eats ice cream for dinner. No sleep comes for Maya that night, instead she crosses off another bucket list item, and watches cartoon network for the first time. Her dad blocked the channel, but she always heard other kids talking about various shows at school. She was never allowed to partake in these conversations, of course, but she learned to listen.
The days pass without much recollection. Maya is going through the motions, but in a good way. She feels euphoric. There’s no more weight on her shoulders, nothing pressing her down. It’ll all be over soon. The funeral arrangements are set, the invitations ready to be mailed, the will updated. She finishes everything a day early, and contemplates moving it up a day early. But plans are important to Maya, and so to plans she remains faithful.
Instead, Maya spends the extra day laying on her back in the grass. It’s a small park on a hill that overlooks part of the city, without too many other people. She just lies there and watches the cloud for hours.
Finally, she thinks. She’s finally going to get to rest in the clouds.
The pure joy of it all ending is enough to make Maya cry happy tears. She lets out a muffled laugh, but it quickly becomes abundant, all consuming. She can’t stop laughing as the sun begins to set and the clouds darken. She knows she must look crazy to anyone walking through the park, but there’s no more room to care.
Shortly after midnight, however, the laughter turns to cries. The cries turn to uncontrollable sobs, racking her entire body. Sobs for the life that she thought she was living. Sobs for the future she wanted. Sobs for the past that cemented her fate. Laying there, after the tears have quieted, solidifies her decision. Everything begins to feel heavy again, and she is reminded why her plan is so necessary.
She treads home, arriving minutes before 4am. There’s only one more step in her plan before it. Her limbs feel heavy as she pulls all the cleaning supplies out, but if there’s one thing Maya can do, it’s embrace the pain. She scrubs the floors, she empties the fridge. She wipes the walls, she dusts every crevice. She is determined that there will not even be a speck of Maya left here after.
Nothing left of her to infect and break others. No way for her to cause more pain and misery.
Once she’s done cleaning everything will be ready, everything will be fine. Everyone will be able to move on, and she won’t be here to drag them back down.
However, the sound of knocking disrupts her from her mission. Maya sighs and puts the mop back in the bucket, and heads to the door. Whoever is waiting, will only take a minute, right?
Right?