A Farewell To The Brave
He’d known for a long time that Steve wasn’t as alright as he always pretended to be but even Sam had been shocked to see his friend like that. Broken into a million pieces, torn apart by his past. He had only caught a short glimpse of the drawings but it had been enough. More than enough, really. He just hoped that Steve would finally accept help.
Bucky had said that he wanted to go back to the war; the last part of his story he hadn’t told yet, so here they were. He noticed that Steve was more restless than usual, his hands constantly fidgeting with his dog tags he was still wearing and he made a mental note to ask Steve about them afterwards. The war was over after all.
Bucky and a good hundred of other young men, some barely 18, were sitting on a ship on its way to England. The wind was blowing strongly and everyone was shivering, although Sam was sure that it wasn’t because of the cold. Bucky sat at the rail, his eyes fixed on the horizon and his hand wandering up to his chest where the pin was resting. It was impossible to guess what he was thinking but every time he obviously thought of Steve, the corners of his mouth curled into a smile but it eyes stayed sad and wistful and scared. Sam felt sorry for him.
»Timothy Dugan. Call me Dum Dum. «, a broad chested man with a mustache and a bowler offered his hand to Bucky who accepted it.
»James Barnes. «, Bucky introduced himself and gave Dum Dum a smile that was both cocky and charming.
»Nice to meet ya, Serg. See that ugly mug over there? That’s Terry. Next to him’s Thomas and the kid in the corner’s Timmy. «, Bucky gave a nod to the soldiers and froze when his eyes fell on Timmy. Sam couldn’t blame him. Timmy really was a kid. He looked like he wasn’t even growing a beard yet, his skin pale, brown eyes carrying a haunted look, his dirty blonde hair was sticking to his forehead and he was almost as small and skinny as Steve had been back then. »Come on. «, Dum Dum clapped Bucky on the shoulder, oblivious to the man’s reaction, »Let’s get you settled. «
They saw scenes of a camp. Tents and shacks ranked next to each other, men of all ages hurrying from A to B, trucks and tanks rolling by. It was dirty and chaotic and grey.
They saw Bucky and a few men sitting around a fire, drinking and smoking and talking.
They saw the soldiers eating dinner, poking fun at each other.
They saw Timmy sitting alone on his cot, silent tears running down his face and a letter in his hand.
»You alright, kid? «, Bucky asked and sat down next to Timmy who quickly raised his arm to wipe his eyes.
»Yes, sir. «, he pressed out.
»You miss your family? «, Bucky nodded at the letter and Timmy quickly folded it together and carefully placed it under his pillow, »It’s okay, y’know. Being scared, missing home. I know I do and I only just arrived. «
»It’s my mum…«, Timmy began to explain, eyes fixed on his hands, »She’s worried about me. My sister too and my brother. I'm afraid that they’ll send my brother here as well. He’s only 15 and even smaller than me. «
»They won’t. «, Bucky answered. There was conviction in his eyes and his voice was strong and it was enough to ease the tension in Timmy’s shoulders. »Now come on. Don’t wanna sit here all night on your own, do ya? «, Bucky lay one arm around Timmy’s shoulders and led him away from the cots towards a group of men sitting on the ground.
It had to be morning because everything seemed oddly quiet and there was almost no one around, while Bucky sat outside, writing on a sheet of paper and smoking a cigarette.
»Mornin’ Serg. «
Bucky looked up and spotted Dum Dum and Thomas walking towards him.
»Morning. «, Bucky muttered before turning back to his letter, frowning.
»Who’re ya writing? «, Dum Dum asked.
»Friend. «, Bucky answered without looking up but Sam could see him tensing, leaning forwards a little bit further as to protect the letter in his lap but when no further questions came, he continued writing.
»Where’re you from, anyway? «. Thomas asked after a while.
»Brooklyn. «
»City boy, then. I’m from Texas. «
»Alabama. «, Dum Dum offered even though no one had asked him before going on a rant about how he hated the food and how the coffee was crap. Bucky snorted and scribbled something down and Sam could see Steve smiling and he wondered if the blonde remembered the letter.
»Yo, Barnes! You writing your dame? «, all three men turned their heads and saw Terry and a few others coming closer, all smirking darkly.
»None of your business Trenton. «, Bucky shouted back.
»Aww, don’t be like that. Come on, tell us about your girl. «
Bucky looked at Terry for a very long moment and it seemed like he was seriously considering the demand but then his face grew dark and he answered with a simple but sharp, »No. «.
Then, several things happened at once. Terry rushed forward snatched the letter out of Bucky’s hand who immediately jumped to his feet but Terry was already out of reach, »Hey Stevie, «, the man intoned mockingly, »That your girl, huh? Stevie? «, he asked before reading again, »I hope you’re keeping out of trouble ‘cause otherwise I’d have to get back there and make you – my, my that’s naughty. And you miss her…now ain’t that - «, they found out what that ain’t because in that second Bucky’s fist connected with Terry’s jaw and Sam could definitely hear the cracking of bones and before the other soldier could react in any way, Bucky had already taken the letter back, »Fuck off, Trenton. «, he spat out. Terry Trenton glared at Bucky for a long moment before turning around and stalking away, his friends following close by.
»Gotta be careful with that one, Serg, he’s trouble. «, Dum Dum grumbled but seemed otherwise unfazed by what had just happened.
»I think I can handle him. «
»Never doubted that. Just don’t forget that you’re on the same side. «
»I won’t. «
It was dark, around ten men were sitting around a fire. Waiting.
»Tell us about your girl, Serg. Stevie, right? «, Thomas demanded.
»Yeah…Stephanie. «, Bucky answered, a sly smile on his lips, »Prettiest thing in all of New York. Best artist I’ve ever met but a mouth on her to put any sailor to shame. Smart too and a lot braver ‘an me. She’s a firecracker, that one is. Irish. «, the soldier took a drag from his cigarette that did nothing to hide the smile on his face and the softness in his eyes. He was missing Steve and although it was just a memory, Sam could almost feel the pain in his chest. He knew what it felt like to miss someone.
»Sounds like trouble, «, Dum Dum commented but he was smiling as well.
»Oh, she is…«, Bucky puffed out a laugh, »But worth it. «
The frontline. Sam shuddered at the all too familiar sounds of grenades and bombs, men shouting at each other, soldiers lying dead on the ground, young men screaming in pain. Bucky was in hiding, rifle ready in his hand but Sam could see that he was hesitating. Is this his first battle? He wondered.
The first shot hit its target in the shoulder. The second in the thigh. Bucky wasn’t trying to kill, that much was obvious, however, the Germans very much were. They all watched in horror as little Timmy climbed out of the trench, hands clasped around his gun, his mouth open in an unheard battle cry, they saw as Bucky followed the movements with his eyes, they gasped when Timmy went down, a dark red spot growing on his back. Bucky stared at the young man, his eyes wide, before his entire face grew hard. Hateful.
His third shot hit its target directly between the eyes.
It was both fascinating and scary how Bucky turned from a reluctant young man, forced to fight a fight that wasn’t his, into a soldier who didn’t bat and eye at killing whoever got into his crosshair. And he did. Clint had to admit that Bucky had been good even back then; before Zola had captured him. Before he had become the Winter Soldier.
They all witnessed the changes Bucky went through, saw how his memories turned darker and darker as if someone was gradually dimming the lights. It was ugly and bloody and terrible, watching man after man die in the mud. Watching Bucky revenge every single death of his comrades. He got into more fights with Terry Tenton who continued making fun of Bucky’s “dame” and it was obvious that Steve hadn’t known about that because the frown on his face grew bigger and bigger.
»He told me he got into a fight over cigarettes. «, the Super Soldier muttered to no one in particular after they had watched Barnes break Trenton’s nose and getting caught by the Colonel. During the next memory, Trenton died, torn apart by a landmine. Clint couldn’t say that he felt sorry for him.
It was night but the fires burning spent enough light to see everything. For a moment Clint was a bit confused by the chaos until he spotted the Sergeant running down a hill, followed by a few men. They jumped into the safety of the trench and began shooting at the Germans chasing them. One by one they went down but there were too many and they were just a couple of soldiers, clearly at the end of their resources. From somewhere behind Buck they heard Dum Dum’s voice muttering, »God, I hate these guys. « before he joined Bucky and – Clint drew in a sharp breath. Something blue shot at the German’s out of nowhere, literally disintegrating them and Clint really couldn’t blame Bucky and his men for hesitating. It must have been a strange thing.
»What the hell was that? «
The soldiers climbed out of their hiding and stared in shock at the tank that came at them, big and alien and unlike any tank Clint had ever seen. HYDRA.
In the next memory, Bucky and a handful of other man were kept in a cell. It was dark and nobody spoke. Clint recognized the faces of the Howling Commandos, dirty and tired and he recognized Bucky even though he didn’t quite look like himself. The Sergeant was pale, his whole body shivering. His face had sunken in and Clint could see how his uniform seemed too big for him as if he had lost a lot of weight. He seemed weak.
»How’re ya holding up there, Serg? «, Dum Dum asked, crouching down on the hard floor in front of the younger man.
»Never better, «, Bucky replied and put on a smile that looked more like a pained grimace than anything else. His voice was thin.
»Just hang in there, kid. «, the older man muttered and took off his own jacket to put it around Bucky’s arms who suddenly began laughing. The others exchanged questioning and worried looks, obviously thinking that the Sergeant had lost his mind but Bucky just shook his head, the laugher dying on his lips, »Always used to be me to look after someone. Keep ‘em warm, make ‘em food. Always me. «, he explained.
»Stevie? «, Dum Dum asked with the ghost of a smile and Bucky smiled back, his eyes filled with unshed tears, »Yeah, «, he answered, »Stevie. «
There was work they had to do, building some kind of plane and even though it was all sketchy and incomplete, Clint couldn’t shake the feeling as if he knew what kind of plane that was. One look at Steve confirmed his suspicion. It was the Valkyrie. The plane that Steve had crashed into the ice.
»I am Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, my service number is 32557038. I am Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, my service number is 32557038. I am Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, my service number is 32557038. «, Bucky was babbling almost incoherently over and over and over again while he was strapped to the chair
»Oh we know who you are. «, a voice with a strong accent said, chuckling lightly. The memory was hazy and they couldn’t really see the face, just the blurry outlines but Clint would have bet his bow that that was Zola. »You’re perfect. «
There was a scream. A scream of agony and the memory shifted into sharp focus, Bucky lying on the chair, a long needle sticking in his arm and two men standing next to him. Doctor Zola and Johann Schmidt.
»He is weak. «, Schmidt observed, his eyes full of disgust as he stared at Bucky.
»No. «, Zola replied, »He is getting strong. The procedure has already started. «, a wicked smile broke out on the scientist’s face while he leaned closer, looking Bucky directly in the eyes, »You are to be the new fist of HYDRA. « and Clint thought he might be sick as he recognized the words. Words that had been imprinted in Bucky’s brain. Words that would haunt him in his dreams, that would never let him go.
The scene faded once again and when Bucky opened his eyes he was reciting again, »I am Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, my service number is 32557038. I am Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, my service number is 32557038. I am Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, my service number is 32557038. «
»Bucky? «, Steve was hovering over the broken man on the chair, »Oh my god. «
They watched as Steve cut his friend, his boyfriend, loose and together they escaped from the factory.
It was bordering on a damn miracle how Bucky was able to balance over the chasm of fire when moments ago he hadn’t even been able to stand upright. They saw the fear in Bucky’s face when Steve jumped and Clint really couldn’t blame him because a regular person couldn’t have done that, but then again, Steve wasn’t a regular person. They ran out of the burning building into the night and Clint saw dead HYDRA agents lying on the ground and freed soldiers cheering and running for their lives.
They were in the woods, hundreds of men, tired and underfed and hurt but alive. And right in the middle of it was Steve. Captain America. Somehow he managed to tend to all the wounded soldiers, to talk to all the curious men, to give orders and reassurances and yet to never leave Bucky’s side and Bucky? Bucky was openly gaping at Steve, an unreadable mixture of feelings in his eyes but Clint also noticed how he relaxed ever so slightly every time Steve was near him. He didn’t even think that Bucky was conscious of it, it was just something that happened. Something that spoke of the bond between the two men, of the trust and the history between them.
What followed were flashes of the camp, of a crowd cheering for Steve and of Bucky watching the Captain from a distance.
»What is it with you and the Captain? «, Dum Dum asked. They were lying in the same tent and Bucky had his eyes closed but it was obvious that he wasn’t asleep.
»Huh? «
»You and Captain Rogers. «, Dum Dum clarified, »You know him or something? «
Bucky stared at Dum Dum for a long moment but Clint had the feeling like he wasn’t really seeing the man before his eyes but rather the little guy that he had left behind in New York, »I used to. «, Bucky grumbled and turned around once again, successfully ending the conversation.
There was Agent Carter too and Clint felt a pang of sympathy for Bucky. The way Steve looked at the woman…like she was the fucking sun and Steve’s world was turning just for her…it must have hurt like hell…it was the same way Steve had always looked at Bucky.
Then they were sitting in a pub and Clint dimly recognized it as what it was. The start of the Howling Commando. A night where history had been made.
»See? I told you. They’re all idiots. «, Bucky said while drinking whisky at the bar in a safe distance from the rest of the men.
»How about you? You ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death? « Steve asked, but the way he said it…it just didn’t sound right. Like Steve was mocking himself, not quite believing in what he was saying, but Bucky didn’t seem to notice.
»Hell, no. «, he exclaimed, »That little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb not to run away from a fight. I'm following him. «, it sounded simple and as if it was the most obvious thing in the world even though they all knew by now that it was neither and Steve smiled gratefully, completely oblivious to the gravity of the other man’s words.
Clint stole a glance at Steve now, watching the familiar scene with an expression as if someone had shoved a lemon into his mouth. It became even worse when Peggy showed up, wearing a pretty red dress and only having eyes for Steve.
»Captain. «
»Agent Carter. «
Steve, present Steve, let out a heavy breath as he watched himself flirt openly with Peggy, not even noticing the way Bucky looked like someone had just stabbed him in the chest, laughing at his joke after Peggy had left and twisting the knife by suggesting that she might have a friend. Idiot, Clint thought and couldn’t blame Bucky for leaving – no, running. He didn’t get particularly far though.
»Bucky! Bucky, wait! «
»Yes, Captain? «, Bucky snapped, his face hiding nothing. He was clearly hurt and angry and desperate, trying to bring distance between himself and Steve.
»Don’t call me that. Not you. « Steve looked just as hurt as Bucky and Clint could only shake his head at the two oblivious men and hoped that they had worked it out in the end.
It was almost predictable, Natasha found, the way Steve and Bucky had acted around each other and how they were staring now, like they were about to make out right there on the streets, that someone would catch on to them. That someone being Dum Dum and Gabe Jones who looked shocked and surprised while Bucky seemed to be having a minor heart attack and Steve was confused. In modern times, it would have been funny, back then though, Natasha knew, it could have been their death sentence.
There was a sudden break and Steve and Bucky were in a hotel room sitting on the bed and Bucky had one hand against Steve’s face while stared at the blonde. Sad, soft, sweet.
»You look so different. «, it was unnecessary observation but it still made Steve smile. They ended up in a tight embrace and Natasha could see Bucky breathing in, scenting Steve, and immediately recognized it as something that she had seen James do during the past few weeks and months. She had never understood it but she did now. Steve probably still smelled the same as he had when he’d been small and Bucky took comfort in that familiarity and found solace in the memory.
»I’m still me and I still love you. That’s never gonna change. «, Steve whispered. The whole scene tasted bittersweet and although Natasha still firmly believed that love was not for her, she could see that these two truly deserved it. Deserved to be happy together. Deserved to be free of worries and pain and fear except live didn’t work like that. She knew that and they knew it too.
The memory was followed by small ones, faint images flashing up in quick succession and the wrong order.
Bucky lying in the dirt, rifle ready in his hands.
Bucky lying in a tent, his nose buried in Steve’s hair.
Bucky and Steve standing in a room, dancing.
Bucky sitting at a table with the Commandos, Steve next to him, a coffee in his hand.
Suddenly, they saw Bucky slamming Dum Dum into a wall, his face twisted in anger and Natasha frowned. This Bucky almost looked like the Winter Soldier, but only almost, there was still life in his eyes and his actions were driven by emotions, not orders, but it was discomforting all the same and Dum Dum must have thought so too because he looked outright scared.
»You listen to me, pal, I don’t know what you think you know but if you so much as breathe a word, I’m gonna make you regret it, you hear me? «, Bucky growled, his voice low and threatening and suddenly it made sense. This must have been the morning after the night in the pub and Bucky was protecting Steve. Not that Dum Dum looked like he was going to betray his friend because that’s what they were – and yes, Natasha had a very good understanding of friendship, she just reserved it for particular people.
»You’re a good man, Barnes. Good soldier. You saved my skin more than a couple of time and if it wasn’t for our American Wonder Boy, I wouldn’t be here. «, Dum Dum had just explained, a little bit calmer now that Bucky wasn’t looking like he was about to commit murder anymore. When the two men parted, Natasha could see the shift in Bucky’s features; the fury made way for a horrified, lost expression, his eyes wide and confused. It was obvious that he had had no idea what had been happening to him just that there had been something happening. Natasha almost felt sorry for him.
Steve and Bucky were back in the hotel room and Steve was telling him how Peggy knew about them as well and Bucky pulled Steve in for a hug, comforting him. It seemed a bit awkward but that probably shouldn't really be a surprise since they were both still accustomed to Steve being small and skinny.
»God this so strange. «, Bucky chuckled and Steve agreed, »But hey, I guess now you’ll finally have to look up to me. «, the blonde added jokingly.
»Steve, I always looked up to you. « That was a truth that couldn’t be denied and Natasha began to wonder how no one had ever seen this earlier, what with the way Bucky always stared at Steve with pure adoration that was there even now after being a soldier, a prisoner, a science experiment and – Natasha’s thoughts halted and her eyes grew wide at the memory in front of her. Well, this explains a lot, she thought. She had always wondered why Steve never took off his dog tags, had even asked him once but he had never answered.
»Marry me? «
There were several gasps from the audience and Steve was obviously fighting back the tears, his hand clasped around the tags still hanging around his neck and Natasha smiled. It was all very sappy but also very perfect.
Well, who’d’ve thought? Our Capsicle is a married man…Tony could hardly contain his glee. This was like Christmas and Easter and his fricking birthday all jammed together. Or it could have been. If there wasn’t still a war going on. In the memory, anyway.
They were in France or at least the street signs were all in French and it was the middle of winter, fields and meadows covered in snow, frozen lakes and muddy roads and the Howling Commandos were walking in the dim light of the setting sun through an abandoned village, shivering.
»Gotta turn in for the night, «, Steve informed his men, »There’s a farm house down the road, it looks empty and it’s safer than out here in the open. «
There was no reply but even Tony could see the relief in the faces of the soldiers, he wondered how long they had been marching. The farmhouse was, indeed, empty. Most of the windows were smashed and there was a hole in the roof but apart from that it seemed to be in good condition, furniture still standing and the cupboards filled with food. The men did quick work of boarding up the windows and starting a small fire right there in what once had been a living room before settling down on the floor and Steve began to study a map, »There’s not much around here. «, he muttered, »Perfect place for HYDRA to hide out. «
»We’ll search the area tomorrow, «, Bucky offered, »Now put the damn map down, you’ve got it memorized by now anyway. «
Steve glanced at him and there was a light blush emerging on his cheeks but he did as told and Tony saw the other Commandos watching them with curiosity.
»Tell us, Cap, how’d you and the Serg meet? «, one of the men, James Montgomery Falsworth, asked, his British accent thick in his voice and Tony saw both Dugan and Jones tense a bit at the question but no one else seemed to notice.
»I saved his scrawny little ass. «, Bucky answered while lightning a cigarette, his lips curled into a smirk, »Been doing it ever since. «
»Scrawny? «, Morita asked at the same time as Dernier said, »Little? «
Bucky laughed and Steve blushed again, deeper this time, dropping his eyes to the floor.
»He sure was. «, Bucky confirmed and Dum Dum let out a snort, »I don’t buy it. «, which made Bucky grin even wider before reaching into his jacket and pulling out the photo of him, Steve and Sarah. He looked at it for a moment, a sad expression fleeting over his face and then offered it to the men who took it with puzzled expressions.
»How the hell is this even possible? «
They all turned to Steve and Bucky raised his eyebrows in question, showing that he would very much liked to know that as well and Steve answered, his eyes were mostly fixed on the sniper next to him like he was fearing his reaction, »Remember the night before you shipped out? «, Steve asked carefully.
»Sure. «, Bucky nodded, »We went to the StarkExpo and you left me alone with the girls to try your luck at the enlistment office. Again. «
»Right. Well, there was this man, doctor Erksine, he was a German scientist who invented a Serum that could…change people. The same Serum that made Schmidt into what he is now. He offered me a chance and I took it. «, Steve shrugged like there was nothing else to the story and the soldiers around him appeared to be from confused to impressed. All except Barnes, who looked angry. Outraged.
»Are you trying to tell me, «, he began, his voice dangerously low, »That you let a German scientist experiment on you because he “gave you a chance”? «
»Buck, it’s not – that is - «, Steve stammered but Bucky was already interrupting him, »Oh nonononono, you’re not going to talk your way out of this one, Rogers. «, he shook his head vehemently, »What the fuck were you thinking? You could have died! Or you could have turned out like Schmidt! «
»But I didn’t, «, Steve argued, »I’m fine. I’m better than fine. «, he sounded almost desperate now. Desperate for Barnes to understand, »Buck…we both know I wouldn’t have survived that winter. «, he added, his voice suddenly shy and Bucky let out a deep breath.
»You’re an idiot. «
The rest of the Commandos had watched their exchange with rapid interest and slight amusement and Tony could totally understand them. He was feeling the same way.
»It’s true, «, present Steve suddenly whispered, »It was a real cold winter and I didn’t have much money…«, he sighed simultaneously with memory Steve who was now running a hand over his face, »I’m not gonna apologize for what I did, Buck. It was my decision and it saved your life. «
Bucky looked like he wanted to reply something to that but bit his tongue, probably aware of the fact that they were being watched by five men and that this was a conversation to better have in private, »This isn’t over yet. «, he muttered instead, giving Steve a sharp look.
They continued talking about other stuff, getting to know each other, telling stories of the war and the home they had left behind.
»I got a wife waiting for me, « Morita said, his eyes filled with sadness and longing, »Annabel. Pretty thing, clever and kind and too good for this world. Took me years to work up the courage to ask her out but once I did we both knew we were perfect for each other even though her family didn’t agree. «
»I got a girl as well, Hannah, ain’t got a lot of brains but she’s one hell of a woman, «, Dugan smirked, »Never seen an ass like hers. «, he added and Bucky rolled his eyes.
»Didn’t you tell me about some dame called Rachel when we met? «, he asked and Dum Dum barked out a laugh, »Sure, there’s her too. «, he shrugged, »Not my fault if I’m so devastatingly handsome. «
»You call yourself handsome, I don’t wanna know what the competition looked like. «, Bucky teased and the others laughed. It all seemed relaxed, almost domestic and it was easy to forget that they were on enemy territory in the middle of a war. The others began to share stories of their sweethearts or their family until Falsworth turned to Steve, »What about you Cap? You got a gal back home? «
Steve shook his head, »You’ve seen the photo. ‘s not like the dames were lining up to dance with me. «, he kept his eyes fixed on the Brit but Tony could see how Bucky’s tried to hide a smile and apparently so could Dugan and Jones.
»Serg, why don’t you tell us more about your Stevie? «, Jones asked with a cocky grin and while the others perked up in interest, Steve paled visibly, his shoulders tense.
»Not much to tell, really, «, Bucky responded, his pose seeming deliberately relaxed, »Fierce thing with the heart of a lion and the prettiest eyes. I’d do anything to keep Stevie safe. «, at that, his eyes jumped towards Steve, just for the split of a second but it was there. »Anyway, I’ve got enough of your ugly mugs for one day. «, he announced and stood up, »Night boys. Cap. «.
Next, they saw Bucky lying on a bed wrapped into a thin blanket. All the ease he had shown earlier was gone, his face now dark with shadows and his eyes staring blindly at the wall. They heard tentative steps coming closer but Bucky didn’t turn around, not even when Steve slid into bed next to him and covered himself and the brunette with another blanket, wrapping his muscular arms around the other man and maybe Tony was imagining it, but the second Steve had pulled Bucky close, Bucky’s eyes appeared a little less empty and there was the ghost of a smile on his lips while he relaxed into the touch.
Traces in the snow. Deep red on white, staining the ground. Explosions and fire. Sam was all too familiar with the scene before his eyes, as they watched the Commandos storm the HYDRA base. It was a small one and once they were inside it looked almost easy how Bucky picked off the HYDRA agents one by one, his eyes never leaving Steve who moved through the enemy without effort, throwing his shield and dodging bullets left and right. It wasn’t even a fair fight but then again, nothing about war was ever fair. They blew up the building without any complications and returned to the farmhouse to celebrate their first victory.
The scene changed. It was still winter and the Commandos were hiking through the woods, cautiously look around for any possible threat.
Another change and they saw Bucky and Dugan arm wrestling in a bar while the others stood around them, cheering.
The Howling Commandos stood in front of Colonel Philips who was pacing up and down the room, ranting and throwing angry glares at the men who were barely containing their laugher.
Bucky was fighting against two men in black uniforms, HYDRA agents, and his face was filled with disgust and hatred.
It went on like that. Snippets of the war but even though it was just small glances it became apparent just how much Bucky had changed from the boy he had been back in Brooklyn and Sam suddenly realized that the Winter Soldier had existed long before Bucky had fallen off the train. This Bucky, the one in the memories, the one fighting the war, he was the Winter Soldier too, with the difference that he remembered. The things he did, he did out of his own free will, he did with the purpose of protecting Steve. Always Steve.
They were in Germany from what Sam could see. The snow was gone but it still seemed cold and they were in the middle of nowhere.
»Where’d you say the factory is? « Morita asked, breathing heavily.
»Near Berlin. «, Steve answered. He looked fit as ever while the others were panting and sweating.
»Well, fuck me, that’s miles away. «, Gabe muttered, »Why’d Stark have to drop us off so far from the grid? «
»Because this is Germany and you can’t just fly into Germany. «
»Well I’m not walking all the way to fucking Berlin. It’ll take us days. «, it was a bold statement but also a sign that the Commandos were more like a strange patch – work family than army.
»What do you suggest? «, Steve asked and he genuinely seemed like he wanted to know which was no surprise, really. What was a surprise was that Bucky was the one to answer, »Car. «, he grumbled without looking at Steve.
»Car? Where do you want to get a car from? «
Instead of giving a reply, Bucky simply pointed ahead where three trucks were standing by the side of the road, obviously military.
»Seriously? «, Steve asked, furrowing his eyebrows in doubt and Bucky shrugged, walking towards the cars, »How difficult can it be? «, he called out over his shoulder. As it turned out, not very difficult when you had a Frenchman with you who used to steal cars as a pastime. They all watched and listened intently while Dernier explained which cables were important for what and soon enough the seven soldiers had crammed themselves into the truck and drove towards Berlin.
Bucky lay flat on the ground, his eyes trained on the HYDRA base before him, much bigger than the other they had seen. The rest of the Commandos were not there but it looked like Bucky had a plan, his rifle aimed at something underneath. He pulled the trigger and all the lights went out and a second later, six men jumped the fence surrounding the area while Bucky was already shooting again. As always, his priority seemed to be Steve. Shot after shot, bullet after bullet, the enemy fell and it looked almost as smooth as in France until it wasn’t. There was an explosion. One of the tanks standing around went up in a ball of fire and Sam let out a small gasp when he saw Steve flying through the air. He wasn’t the only one. Bucky had frozen, his eyes growing wide with panic and it was obvious that it took him everything not to abandon his position right then and there to make sure Steve was okay. Once the fight was over though, he ran down the hill and towards Dugan who was carrying an unconscious Steve, »The fuck was that? «. he snapped at the taller man who was lying Steve down in the back of the truck.
»Relax, Serg. He’s okay. Just knocked out. «, Dum Dum replied, Bucky did not relax but he also didn’t come back with any insults he probably wanted to spew; instead he simply climbed into the truck and began checking Steve for injuries.
The soldiers were sitting around a fire with Steve lying on the ground and Bucky sitting closely next to him, looking anxious, almost scared. In the background, they could hear Dernier and Jones speaking in French while Dugan was watching Bucky watching Steve, his face unreadable. Falsworth, too, had his eyes fixed on the Sergeant, an unasked question in his eyes while Morita seemed oblivious to the whole scene. In the end, it was the Brit who spoke up, »You don’t have to hide from us, you know that right? «
Bucky went very still where he was seated on the floor before he turned towards Falsworth, »Hide what? «, he asked, sounding defensive, ready to fight. Jones and Dernier had stopped their conversation in favor of looking at Bucky as well, »You and Cap, « Dernier explained, »You’re together. «, it wasn’t a question but a statement and the way he said it, it sounded like the most obvious thing in the world and Sam supposed that it probably was.
»What makes you think that? «, Bucky all but snarled while he slowly moved to put himself between Steve and the rest of the Commandos.
»Hmm let’s see, «, Dugan made a humming sound as if he was thinking, »For months you talk about Stevie. Little Stevie. Sweet Stevie. Blonde and blue eyes Stevie. Then we go MIA and there’s this guy busting us out, first thing he asks? Where’s Sergeant Barnes. Makes a guy think, y’know…now, funny thing is, that guy’s called Steve. Steve’s blonde. Steve’s got blue eyes. Steve used to be small. Really, Serg, doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. And if it wasn’t that, the way you two are always in each other’s space, sharing beds and tents would have tipped us off. Or the way your hovering over him right now like an overprotective mama bear. «, Bucky had been growing more and more tense during Dugan’s speech and it seemed like he wasn’t quite sure whether he should fight or run but before he could make a decision, Dugan was speaking again, »I told you before, what you and he do together ain’t none of my business. We’re all friends here. We got a Jap and a Frog and a Negro and if there’re two queers with us…what the hell…there’s worse than two people in love. «
Bucky was staring at Dum Dum, his eyes narrowed.
»Gotta agree with Dum Dum, «, Jones added, »Although I have to say, I wasn’t really comfortable with it at first, I mean…you really don’t look the part. You’re men. Good men. ‘s all I care about. «
There was approving grumble and nodding heads and slowly, very slowly, Bucky relaxed, settling back into the place next to the Captain and the topic was dropped.
They were back in London, the same pub where it had all begun except this time they all sat around a table in dark corner, laughing loudly while Bucky was telling a story of him and Steve back in New York.
»- marched his dumb punk ass over there and square punched that asshole right in his face before I even knew what was happening. End of story was Steve in the dumpsters and me with a broken wrist and a bleeding nose. «
The men all laughed and Clint couldn’t help but chuckle along. He would never get tired og hearing about skinny Steve and his countless misadventures.
»Jesus Christ, Cap. Did you have any sense of self – preservation? «, Dum Dum asked, shaking his head.
»He’d had it coming. «. was Steve’s only comment which just sent the Commandos into another laughing fit. Bucky was grinning like a cat that got the cream but there was still something hollow, Clint noticed, something dark lurking behind his eyes. Every time they saw Bucky on his own, every time the others weren’t looking, it was like staring into an abyss. There were no charming smiles, no cockily raised eyebrows, no laugher. There was the image of a man, cracked and splintered, trying not to break. There was emptiness and darkness and desperation. Clint could see it clearly, could also see himself in Bucky, himself and all the others that had done terrible things and that had terrible thing done to them. It was a lonely place. But then Steve showed up and Bucky would smile again. Smile genuinely. The shadows around his eyes faded ever so slightly making way for blinding brightness while he lit up with adoration and love and happiness. It was beautiful and tragic how even in the middle of a war, these two seemed to have found peace in each other.
There were more missions. More HYDRA bases taken down and destroyed. More nights spent around crackling fire. The Commandos had been family, Clint realized. A family like the Avengers were one. They had taken care of each other, fought for each other, loved each other. He wondered if some of them were still alive.
It was Christmas, no doubt, the streets were covered with snow, creating an idyllic illusion of peace and Bucky stood in the middle of an expensive looking hotel room, looking nervous. The door opened and Clint could hear the clear voice of Peggy Carter, »Have a lovely evening, Steve. « and then Steve entered the room, wide eyed and confused, like a frightened animal which was funny considering his size. Clint sneaked a peak of Steve as he was today, standing a few feet away from him with a fond smile on his face, while Bucky – memory Bucky – took the Captains jacket and offered him a seat. They drank wine together and ate dinner, surrounded by the warmth of candle light and to anyone else it might have looked like a simple date except Clint, and undoubtfully the others too, could see the significance behind it. Seeing these two dancing and being happy together for just a moment made everything that was still going to happen so much more horrible.
There was a blurry memory of the Howling Commandos at a pub, drinking and talking and laughing before it faded into Steve and Bucky sitting on a bed together, smiling and crying, a drawing between them. A drawing of Steve and Bucky, old and healthy and happy with wedding bands on their hands and words written underneath.
I’m with you till the end of the line.