All Sinners A Future, All Saints A Past

He remembered everything. It was all there, his past, all the things he used to be, all that he could have been.

Bucky could feel the eyes of everyone else resting on him while he stood on the balcony, smoking a cigarette and trying to decide what he should do next. He felt…good. As good as he would probably ever feel. His memories were back, giving him enough content for nightmares to last him a lifetime but he wouldn’t change it for the world because he remembered. For the first time in long time, Bucky knew exactly who he was. There were still things he had to do, things he had to talk about but for now he could content himself with this. Careful steps approached him from behind, steps he would have known anywhere, and he smiled when Steve stepped next to him.

»Everything I said back then, «, the blonde started after a long moment of silence, »It’s still true. « and Bucky didn’t have to look at him to know that Steve was blushing, »I still love you. «

»I know, «, Bucky answered because he did. He hadn’t been able to admit it to himself until now but he had known. »Steve…«, he took a deep breath. This was it. This would either be their happy ending or the moment he would lose everything he had left, »Steve what you gotta understand is…HYDRA didn’t do anything to me. Not really. The Winter Soldier…the Winter Soldier is me, has always been me. I’ve always had this…this darkness inside of me. This anger. I never told you I’d been drafted ‘cause I wanted you to be proud of me. I wanted you to…I wanted you to need me, the way I needed you. And you came back all strong and healthy and I was so scared. I was so scared of losing you. «, he shook his head, taking another drag of the cigarette, »I knew they did something to me. HYDRA. I knew. After you got me out I felt like…like I was too much myself. Like I’d been turned inside out. Zola was right…the procedure had already started and I…I didn’t understand it. I didn’t know what was happening just that there was something. And…after I fell…all HYDRA needed to do was take you away from me. The second I heard you were dead, I gave up and then they took you away from me. The memory of you. Of us. And that was it. That was all they had to do. «, it was a confession that had been plaguing him for weeks. Months. It was a secret he wanted to keep but how could he, now that Steve was hoping…no. No he didn’t have the right to keep this from Steve. Not anymore.

»I don’t care Bucky. I. Don’t. Care. I have always and will always love you, no matter what and I’m not letting you go again. «, stubborn punk, »I didn’t drive the plain into the ocean to save New York, y’know, «, he suddenly muttered, »I didn’t give a shit about that. All I could think was…was that I would finally see you again. « And at that Bucky turned his head because – because - »Bucky, «, Steve raised his hand slowly, giving Bucky plenty of time to back away, »Bucky, I wanted to die. «. here were tears glistening in Steve’s eyes and he looked so heartbroken, so earnest and so scared, it made Bucky’s chest hurt because Steve didn’t deserve this pain. He covered Steve’s hand with his own, cold metal on warm flesh.

»We’re pretty fucked up, aren’t we? «, he whispered and Steve smiled a bit.

»Language «, Steve replied softly.

»For what it’s worth, «, Bucky began, »I love you too. «

Steve was happy. He actually couldn’t remember the last time had felt like this but it felt good; light and easy and promising. It had been three months now since Bucky’s last B.A.R.F. session, since Bucky had claimed the last of himself back, since Steve had started therapy, since he had dropped the shield for good. Steve was done being Captain America. He was done fighting a war that wasn’t his, there were others who could do that now while he and Bucky could concentrate on getting their lives back. It wasn’t an easy task. Thor had invited Bucky to Asgard where they had removed the triggers from his mind and Tony had started creating a new arm for Bucky, one that would be truly his own. The nightmares were still there; Steve didn’t think that they would ever truly go away. There were days when Steve couldn’t leave the bed because he was just so damn tired, or when Bucky had panic attacks, rendering him silent, making him curl into himself, shivering. There were days when it all still felt like dream, like it had never happened at all. Surreal. But they were dealing and Steve was happy.

»It’s Bucky. «, Steve broke the silence and earned himself a puzzled look from Sam who had been engrossed in the book he’d been reading., so Steve elaborated, »Two years ago, you asked me what made me happy and I said I didn’t know. I do now. «

At that, Sam smiled brightly, »It’s good to see you like this, Steve, I mean it. We were all worried about you. «

»I know. «, Steve muttered, dropping his gaze, »I was actually thinking of publishing a book. The real story behind Captain America. I’ve got my drawings and Bucky and I can write it all down and Peggy said she’s got a box with all kinds of stuff from back then. Letters, photos, reports, you name it. «

»That’s a pretty big step Steve. «, Sam remined him.

»I know but…«, Steve sighed, »I guess I’m just tired of people getting it all wrong. They think they know me ‘cause they read about Captain America in school but that’s not me. Not anymore. And I putting it all out there would be my way to say good bye to that part of me. «

»Closure. «

»Yeah…closure. «

Peggy really hadn’t been lying when she had said that she had all sorts of stuff. A few days later, Steve and Bucky had slept in, they found two huge boxes standing in kitchen of the common floor and all the Avengers surrounding it.

»What the hell did you do, Cap? «, Tony asked as soon as they came in.

»Oh, Peggy must have sent that. It’s just old stuff. «

»Please can we open it? «, Clint begged, making his best puppy expression.

»Sure. «, Steve shrugged. It wasn’t like there’d be anything new in there, anything they didn’t already now about. The B.A.R.F sessions had made sure of that. So, while Steve and Bucky got coffee, the others were opening the packages and Tony let out a whistle, »What the hell is all this stuff? «, he asked and Steve moved closer, his curiosity finally winning over. Peggy had told him that a lot of his things had been donated to the museum and that she had mostly just kept the things that were private…well…private was a broad term, he guessed. There were clothes of him and Bucky and even some of his mum. There were a few books, mostly sketch books, files over files, photographs, films, and tons of letters. Bucky was standing right behind him, his chin resting on Steve’s shoulder while he looked down into the box, and barked out a laugh, reaching around Steve to pull out some of the clothes.

»I can’t believe she kept those. «, he murmured and Steve had to agree. It was ridiculous but also incredibly sweet. Carefully, he picked up the old suit, the one he had been wearing that last Christmas, it was spotless. The others started digging through the stuff while Steve’s eyes fell on the small wooded box on the ground. Bucky’s must have seen it too because he hugged Steve from behind and pressed a kiss to his ear shell. It was Sarah’s box. It was Sarah’s box and it still contained the same things as 80 ago. Steve furiously blinked away the tears in his eyes while he looked at the recipes and the books and the letters while Bucky picked up the photo album and ran his fingers over the engraved words just like the first time.

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

»Er, Cap? «, Tony’s voice dragged him out of the memories of his mum and Steve raised his head only to be faced by a horrified Tony Stark who held up one of his old sketch books. Steve frowned, until it dawned on him what might have been in that book. His suspicions were confirmed when he took it from Tony and opened a random page. There, in the middle of the book was a drawing of Bucky. That, in itself, wasn’t the problem. He had drawn Bucky a lot back then. No, the problem was that Bucky was very much naked, lying on their mattress in Brooklyn and smiling seductively.

»Really Steve? Really? «, Bucky laughed when he saw the drawing while Steve was blushing furiously. The sketch book was full of naked or half naked Buckys, much to Bucky’s amusement and Steve’s embarrassment, »Well…at least you were never short on spank bank material. «, the brunette muttered but still loud enough that the others could hear him and although Steve very much liked to sink into the floor, he also couldn’t let this stand. Fuck Captain America, »Didn’t need it though, «, he shot back, »I had you, didn’t I? «, which made Tony choke on air and Sam groan in exasperation, »You really are a little shit. «, his friend exclaimed, behind Steve, Bucky was laughing.

»Seriously, I don’t get how any of you can be surprised by that. «

And so it went on. There were more drawings, decent ones of the docks, the parks, the new Empire State Building, his mum, and many, many more. There were also photos, some of which Steve didn’t even know. There were the Howling Commandos sitting in a bar, drinking. There was Bucky, sitting on the floor and cleaning his rifle, not even noticing the camera that had been pointed at him. There was Dernier, holding four dead chickens in his hands. And then there were the letters. For some reason, the others had started to read them out loud. It was mostly letters between Steve and Bucky and some from or to Peggy, and Steve didn’t really mind exactly but it was still weird hearing the familiar words after so long.

Happy Birthday, Baby,

This is probably not going to arrive on time but better late then never, right?

Remember when we used to climb on the roof top every year and I’d tell you that America was celebrating your birth? You were so mad when you found out the truth. It was kind of adorable.

I really miss you. It’s lonely over here and I would give anything to be on a roof top with you right now, staring up at the sky and watching the fireworks. I’d put my arm around you to hold you close and keep you warm and I’d tell you how much I loved you and then I’d kiss you. It’d be a sweet kiss. The kind that makes promises and I promise you, baby, I’m coming back to you and we’ll have a good life together. Just the two of us, somewhere far, far away from the violence and cruelty of the world. We’ll be happy, you’ll see. We’ll have a house, a small house with a garden and the walls will be covered with your art. You’re a great artist, Stevie, you know that? The best one out there. You can make hell look like paradise because you always manage to see the good in things. It’s something I’ll never be able to do, not the way you can and it’s amazing and I love you for it. I love you for a lot of things. I don’t think I ever told you but you are the one single good thing in my life and I’m never gonna let you go and I’m never gonna stop loving you. I’d rather die before that happened. I’m not planning on dying, though, ‘cause I made you a promise and I promised to come home again so that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna fight for the both of us and I’m gonna win and I can’t wait you have you back in my arms. Sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps me going.

I hope you treated yourself to something special. I hope you got to see the fireworks. I hope you’re alright. I really do.

I miss you so much,

Bucky

It was the last letter. It was a letter that had never actually made it to Steve because Bucky hadn’t sent it. He had kept it though, as a reminder, a dream to fight for. Once Clint had stopped reading, everyone had fallen quiet, avoiding each other’s gaze and as much as Bucky wanted to, he couldn’t look at Steve. He couldn’t –

»Why did you never send it? «, Steve asked suddenly and Bucky shrugged, »Too much of a coward I guess. «, he muttered.

»Buck - «

»No Steve, it’s true, «, now, Bucky did raise his head to look at the blonde, »you’ve always been the braver one between the two of us. Always. You weren’t afraid to stand up for what you believed was right, while I just ended the fights ‘cause I was too afraid of losing you. ‘cause I hated seeing you hurt. You were the one to kiss me ‘cause you were done waiting for me, while I was too scared. You were the one walking from one enlistment office to the next, trying to join the army while I had gotten drafted. Steve, I would have never joined otherwise. You stormed a HYDRA base just to get my dump ass out of there, going against all orders and regulations, for one single man. «, Bucky shook his head, trying to find the words to express what he wanted to say, »Stevie…I never sent that letter ‘cause it terrified me. Keeping it, gave me something to hold on to. Something to hope for. I kept it ‘cause there was no way in hell that I could have kept those promises…not back then. « I could now…he thought, I would. If you let me, I would.

There was a storm of emotions in Steve’s eyes. Sadness and happiness and hope and so much love. There was a question there too, hidden but Bucky saw it nonetheless and it had always been Steve who had been brave and jumped head first into the unknown and maybe, just maybe, it was Bucky’s turn to be brave. All he had to do was jump.

I wish we could be together. Really be together without fear. Without people judging us. I know it ain’t gonna happen but…I wish we could.

Words spoken a lifetime ago but Bucky remembered them like it had been yesterday and the thing was…the thing was they could. Here, in this century, they could. It’s a brave new world, Sam had told him during one of the many late – night talks they had had and it was. It really was.

Completely ignoring the pointedly averted eyes and the shocked gasps from everyone around him, he fell down on one knee and took hold of Steve’s hand who was looking down on his with wide eyes, »I asked you before and you said yes but I’m gonna ask again. Stevie, you’re the best person I’ve ever had the fortune to meet. You never gave up on me even though everyone else had; even though I had. You are the most stubborn, most courageous, most stupid and most reckless punk I know and I love you. I love you so much and it’s a miracle that we’ve both made it this far so…do you, Steven Grand Rogers, want to marry me? «

Steve was smiling now, it was blinding and so, so beautiful and Bucky never wanted to forget that smile ever again, »I told you before, James Buchanan Barnes, I do. «. Steve hauled Bucky up, steadying him with his hands and pulled him in for a bruising kiss. »Jerk. «, he muttered against Bucky’s lips.

»Punk. «

And then they kissed again, melting against each other and it was everything like Bucky had remembered and so much better, that he didn’t even hear the cheers and whistles and catcalls from the rest. The Avengers. His family.