All Sinners A Future, All Saints A Past

Steve was still lost in memories when Bucky gently pulled off the headset and immediately turned to meet Steve’s eyes. His face was impossible to read but he looked calm and collected and Steve thought it was probably safe to go in.

»I can’t go to the war…not right now. «, Bucky muttered and Steve nodded. He understood. »And you don’t have to. «

He was aware that the others were still there, watching them, but he didn’t really care. They’d already seen everything.

»You never said anything. «, Bucky eventually spoke again and Steve didn’t even have to ask what he meant, it was clear in his eyes. »I didn’t want you to feel like I was expecting anything, «, Steve shrugged, »Most important thing is that you’re here and that you’re getting better. «, as long as you’re my friend I can live with everything else. Bucky smiled up at him and for the first time since he had come back it wasn’t a sad smile. It was genuine and content and blinding.

One of his hands was fidgeting in his pockets and when he pulled it out and held it out to Steve, there was the shadow of well – known mischief in the blue of his eyes, »I promised I’d come back to ya, didn’t I? «, Bucky muttered and let something drop into Steve’s hand who didn’t dare look away from Bucky’s face but…he didn’t have to look. He knew what it was, had dreamed about it so many times even though it’s been decades since he’d last seen it.

»How? «, he breathed, finally looking down at the little, golden pin in his hand.

»They kept all my stuff. «, Bucky explained, »When I was in Siberia, I found a box with my name on it and there it was…everything I had on me when I fell. I…I didn’t really know what it was, just that it was important so I took it. «

Steve’s eyes were suspiciously wet once again, he was turning into a human waterfall at this point but he also didn’t care; over three years he hadn’t shed a tear…he had a lot of crying to catch up on. Without even realizing what he was doing, Steve moved forward and wrapped his arms around Bucky, pulling him into a tight embrace.

»I’m glad you’re here. «, his voice was hardly audible but he knew Bucky had heard him because he tightened his grip around Steve as if he never wanted to let him go again.

Seeing it all again, the person he once had been…it was strange. Strange in a way he couldn’t explain. It was like looking into a mirror and seeing another person staring back. That wasn’t him anymore but at the same time, it was. He remembered it now, the way he had felt back then; scared. Always so scared. Scared of losing his job, scared of losing the apartment, scared of not having enough money, the fights, the war. Scared of losing Steve.

It actually helped him understand why he had done what he had done. As the Soldier. Taking care of Steve, protecting him…it was an instinct that went deeper than HYDRA. Loving him was like breathing, it was impossible to stop and keep on living.

»Hey Buck, «, Steve spoke up one morning over a cup of coffee and fresh pancakes, »I was thinking…«

»Don’t hurt yourself, pal. «

»Shut up, «, Steve snapped but there was no bite behind his words, »I was thinking…I mean, obviously you don’t have to, I completely understand if you said no but - «

»Spit it out, Steve. «

»D’you wanna visit Peggy with me? «, Steve blurted out and Bucky blinked, he had not been expecting that. Bucky took a moment to take in Steve, the way he fidgeted with his hands, the way he swallowed nervously, the way his pulse point was beating just a little bit too fast. He was nervous – why is he nervous? »You know what? Forget it…stupid idea. «, Steve backpedaled, standing up from the table and moving towards the sink, clearly taking Bucky’s silence as a no…except it wasn’t.

»Steve, wait, «, Steve froze, half – standing, half – sitting, »Are you…Are you sure it’s a good idea? «, he asked, licking his lips.

»Why wouldn’t it be? «, Steve frowned at the ex – assassin who shrugged as a response, »I’m supposed be dead. «, he mumbled.

They hadn’t talked about that yet…how they were going to deal with the return of Sergeant James Barnes.

»I think she’d be happy to see you. «, Steve assured him, his eyes filled with hope and how could Bucky possibly say no to that?  

Steve was nervous when he went into Peggy’s room. He hadn’t visited her in a year and now he was bringing Bucky who was supposed to be dead…that was a valid reason to be nervous, he found.

»Steve, how nice of you to visit me again. «, her voice was chilly but there was amusement in her eyes and Steve found himself relaxing slightly.

»I’m sorry, Peg, but I swear I have a good explanation. «

»I’m listening. «

»Well…«, Steve had no idea how to say what he wanted to say and he was pretty sure that whatever he did say…well…it would come out all wrong. »Maybe you should just see for yourself…«, he muttered and went back to the door, motioning Bucky to come inside as well. Once the other man was standing in front of the bed, Peggy’s face went slack and all the colour seemed to vanish from her cheeks, »Impossible. «, she breathed out, eyes roaming over Bucky, »How - «

»It’s a long story. «, Steve offered and was immediately met by a pair of raised eyebrows.

»Explain. «, Peggy demanded so Steve did. In the end, it wasn’t really such a long story, especially since he spared Peggy all the gory details but it must have been bad enough because there were tears glistening in the woman’s eyes.

»I can’t believe it…after all this time. «, she was smiling brightly, her hands reaching out for Bucky who stepped forward almost timidly and placed his hands in Peggy’s, »You are a very lucky man, James Barnes. «

»I know. «

»I don’t think you do. «, she offered no further explanation and Steve was kind of grateful for that, not entirely sure what she would have said, »We never gave up, you know…on neither of you. Howard, the Commandos and I…we kept looking. I’m just so happy that we finally found both of you. It’s a changed world now…see that you make the most of it. «

They didn’t stay long after that. Peggy slept a lot and say what you will, but seeing an old friend you believed to be dead for decades, was actually quite tiring, so they said their goodbyes but just as they were about to leave the room, Peggy called out once more, »Oh and Barnes, «, she winked, »Make sure to look after him. God knows what he’ll get up to otherwise. «. Steve rolled his eyes but Bucky just chuckled and replied, » I think not even God knows that. « 

Seeing Peggy again had actually been nice. Really nice. Knowing that she had led a good live, with a loving husband…it made him feel a bit better even though he knew what had become of S.H.I.E.L.D. because that hadn’t been Peggy’s fault. What she had built had been good and then HYDRA had come along and destroyed it, like they destroyed everything. Not that it mattered anymore; HYDRA was gone. Dead. They had a real chance here. He had a real chance here. And still…there was something Steve wasn’t telling him. Ever since they had left Peggy the other man had been…distant. Lost in thought.

»You gonna tell me what’s wrong? «, he asked after he just couldn’t take it any longer.

»Nothing, «, Steve answered a little bit too quick. He must have noticed it too, judging by the grimace he pulled, »Just…something Peggy said. «, Steve made a vague movement with his hand like that would explain it. It didn’t. But Bucky didn’t ask again; if Steve wanted to tell him, he would, there was no pint pressuring him. So instead he asked something else. Something that had been bugging him for some time now, »Have you ever thought about therapy? «.

Next to him, Steve tensed, »Why? «, he pressed out and Bucky decided to choose his next words carefully, »I know you’re not coping as well as you always say you are...and that’s alright. It’s not my place to tell you what to do but…maybe think about it? You can talk to me or Sam or Bruce or anyone really…and if you don’t wanna talk, then write it down, hell…draw it…just…you’re keeping all that stuff in and Steve…it ain’t good. You’re having worse nightmares than me, for fuck’s sake, and don’t even try to pretend you’re not ‘cause I know. «, he let out a sigh, »I guess what I’m trying to say is…it’s okay accept help. «

Bucky was sure that the matter would be closed with that. He was sure that Steve would just ignore it and move on. He hadn’t expected Steve to take deep breath and actually start talking, »Sometimes…«, he started and then faltered before trying again, »I guess, sometimes I forget, y’know…that I’m still a person. «, his hands were picking at the hem of his shirt, »After…after you fell, «, he gulped, »After you fell, Steve Rogers died. I was just Captain America, ‘cause I had to be and I was Captain America for so long…I forgot how to be me and…everyone else did too. When I woke up…I wasn’t Steve Rogers anymore and there was no one who noticed or cared so…everyone just expected me to be okay. «

»You’re not okay, are you? «, Bucky asked quietly, his eyes fixed on the blonde. They were so close, sitting together on the sofa but not quite touching.

»No. «, Steve looked up, his face for once completely unguarded, a broken look in his eyes, »Not really. «.

It wasn’t news. Not to Bucky. He had known since the first time he had actually remembered Steve, that Steve had suffered just as much and he just couldn’t understand how no one else seemed to see it. How no one seemed to be able to see behind his act of Captain fucking America because…that wasn’t Steve. That was just a mask he put on. A flashing image to hide behind. Still…actually hearing Steve admit to it…it hurt…and Bucky was overcome with the urge to wrap himself around his friend and shower him with kisses and soft words but he didn’t. Couldn’t. They still hadn’t talked about that. About them, if there even still was a them after all this time. So, Bucky did the next best thing and gently manhandled Steve to lie down and place his head in Bucky’s lap for once and Steve went willingly, silently grateful for the touch. The comfort.

They woke up a few hours later to the sound of Tony Stark’s laugher and Clint’s voice declaring that Stark was idiot; when they saw the two Super Soldiers on the sofa, they both stopped in their tracks and at least had the decency to look a little ashamed while they walked to the kitchen to get something to eat. 

Bucky’s words had lit a fire in Steve’s mind.

When Bucky had fallen, a part of Steve had fallen with him off that train and Steve had known that he would never be the same again. Now that Bucky was back, it was slowly getting better, the darkness seemed a little bit brighter and the cold a little bit warmer but Bucky was right to say that the nightmares were still the same. Night after night, he watched Bucky die. Night after night he went back to the war. Night after night he saw the faces of the people he’d lost so many years ago.

It’s okay to accept help.

Steve sat alone in the dim light of his living room. He didn’t know where Bucky had gone, hadn’t really listened, too preoccupied with his own thoughts. He stared at the empty sketchbook on the table, he hadn’t picket up a pencil in years, too scared of what would happen if he did, but now…It began with a tentative stroke, barely visible on the paper, but it was enough to open the floodgates in his mind and it all started pouring out.

Bucky as a child, furious and righteous, coming to his rescue.

His mom, tired and skinny and beautiful.

Eric Brown and Gilly Trenton, big and mean and threatening.

The apartment he had lived in with his mum, small but cozy with the ever – broken clock on the wall that always pretended it was five to twelve.

Bucky, older this time, his head thrown back and laughing.

Bucky and his mum sitting at the kitchen table.

Bucky sitting on the fire escape, a cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth.

Little Dora in her new dress and her teethy smile.

Bucky’s and his apartment, too mall and too cold, with thin walls and no real bed.

Mrs. Kieton’s cat climbing through their window.

The street they had lived on, dusty and dirty.

The Stark ExPo with the two girls whose names he didn't even remember anymore.

Dr, Erksine with his worn – down clothes and his glasses.

Peggy in all her young beauty and grace.

The machine that had made him into what he was today.

The USO girls, dancing and singing.

Bucky stripped to an examination table in a HYDRA factory in Austria.

The Red Skull.

Arnim Zola.

A pub in London with the Howling Commandos sitting at a table, getting drunk and swapping stories.

Bucky sitting alone at the bar, nursing a drink.

Bucky lying in bed, naked and only covered by a thin sheet, looking beautiful and peaceful.

Scenes of the war; explosions, dead soldiers covering the ground, building and villages going up in flames.

Dum Dum with his stupid bowler.

Bucky lying on the ground, rifle in hand.

A wasteland in Europe drenched in blood of young man fighting for their lives and countries.

The train.

The Valkyrie. 

Clint had convinced Bucky to go out with him and somehow, they had ended up in a bar with Natasha, Tony, Bruce and Sam and now it was three in the fucking morning and they were stumbling through the streets of New York towards the Tower. Bucky felt a little bit bad because Steve hadn’t been there but when he had asked, the blonde had just shrugged and not really given an answer so Bucky had let it drop and decided to go alone instead.

He was worried about Steve. Ever since their conversation a few days ago, Steve had been even more withdrawn than usual and he had refused to talk about it and there was no point in pushing. Stubborn punk, doesn’t know what’s good for him.

They had just arrived and Clint was contemplating loudly whether he wanted to eat a sandwich or pizza when JARVIS’ voice dragged Bucky out of his own thoughts, »I believe it would be good for Sergeant Barnes to immediately return to his floor and tend to Captain Rogers. «, the AI informed them all and Bucky felt his blood run cold.

»Is Steve okay? «, he asked, his voice a little bit louder than strictly necessary.

»The Captain is unharmed. «, JARVIS answered, doing nothing to calm down the sick feeling in Bucky’s stomach, »Doesn’t answer the fucking question. Is he okay? «

»I believe not, sir. «.

And that was it. Four words had been enough to tear down the little self – restrain Bucky had had and he rushed through the Tower, knocking over a few pieces of furniture on his way. He didn’t even bother with the elevator, it was too slow and he couldn’t stand standing still even if it would just be for a minute, he needed to move, needed to get to Steve now or else…Bucky burst through the doors, dimly aware that the rest of the group wasn’t far behind, and took in the scene before his eyes.

Steve was sitting on the floor, surrounded by piles and piles of paper. Drawings. He stared with wide eyes at familiar scenes from the past that were spread out before him and Steve was right there in the middle of it all, his whole body shaking and he looked so small and fragile almost like he had before the serum, before Captain America, and Bucky realized that this was Steve Rogers as he really was, a man stronger than life, cracked and broken and put back together but in all the wrong ways and now he had finally broken again under the weight of it all.

»Jesus…Steve…Stevie, «, he hadn’t even realized that he had moved, he just found himself kneeling on the floor next to the man he loved because he still did. He still fucking did. »Stevie, baby, it’s okay. You’re okay. I’ve got ya. «, he muttered even though he wasn’t sure if Steve could even hear him. He collected the shivering mess of muscles in his arms and pressed it against his own body, breathing in the scent of sweat and tears while he ran his hand soothingly over Steve’s back. He heard hushed voices by the door and remembered that they had an audience but he didn’t want to let go of Steve, he would never do that again, so he just turned his head and glared at them all putting all his anger into his eyes, daring them to say something, anything, because he wouldn’t hesitate a second to protect Steve, his Steve, and they knew that. They fucking knew that.

Luckily, it didn’t come to that.

One by one, the crowd slowly backed away, back to the elevator and to another floor and Bucky had never been more happy, that he had disabled the cameras on their floor ages ago, feeling paranoid and creeped out by the thought of Stark or anyone else watching them. Spying on them.

»Steve. Hey, sweetheart, gonna need you to look at me for a second, huh? Come one, show me those pretty eyes. «, he pleaded, leaning back enough so he could be able to see Steve’s face. He was still stunning despite the tears and the red spots and the pain.

»Buck? «

»Yeah, Stevie, it’s me. I’m here. I’ve got you. Let’s get you to bed, okay? «, the serum had made Bucky stronger but even an enhanced Super Soldier had problems supporting the full weight of Steve Rogers but somehow he managed. He would clean up the next day, all that mattered now was to get Steve to sleep, wrapped up in all the blankets he could find and Bucky’s arms. 

When Steve woke up, he felt incredibly hot and exhausted like he would after a mission, except he hadn’t been on a mission…had he?

The weight of several blankets was resting on his body and he was pressed against a firm chest. Bucky’s chest.

Steve listened to the steady sound of Bucky’s breathing, a sound he would recognize anywhere. He had spent so many nights listening to it and after all this time, after everything that had happened, it was still the same. The same breathing. The same set of lungs.

The thought filled Steve with warmth and happiness and he felt safe here in Bucky’s arms.

And then he remembered.

Images of the previous night flashed through his mind and for one second, Steve thought he might get sick, his stomach clenching painfully. He had lost control. He wasn’t supposed to lose control.

Behind him, Bucky’s breath hitched ever so slightly and the rhythm of his heartbeat changed, a clear sign that the other man was waking up as well, burying his nose a little bit deeper into Steve’s neck. The blonde turned around and found himself nose to nose with Bucky who blinked lazily.

»Hi. «, Steve breathed out.

»Hi. «, came the soft response and even though they were both very much awake now, neither moved away. »How are you feeling? «

Steve shrugged, »Honestly? I’m not sure…kind of…empty. «, he confessed. He couldn’t explain it otherwise…it wasn’t a bad feeling exactly just…strange.

»You scared me yesterday, y’know…«, Bucky explained, »When I said you should let that stuff out, I didn’t exactly mean, give yourself an emotional breakdown in the middle of the night while you’re on your own. «, his voice was kind of teasing but Steve could see the concern in Bucky’s eyes.

»I’m sorry Buck - «

»No. No, it’s okay. You’re okay. «, the brunette cut him off, »Just…don’t do it again? «

»I won’t. Promise. «

Steve wondered if all those drawing were lying around outside or if Bucky had cleaned up the mess he’d made. He couldn’t quite remember since it was all a blur.

»Penny for your thoughts? «

Steve bit down on his lower lip, not sure whether he should voice the things that were going through his mind…he had been thinking about it for a while now, played with the idea, tried to get used to it…he was certain that Bucky would understand. Or at least he hoped so.

»When I woke up…people kept asking me to tell them something from the war, or from before. I never did. I didn’t want to think about it, I couldn’t think about it…but now…I’m thinking…maybe I should…y’know…tell our story. «. Because he was so sick of reading about himself; assumptions and theories about his own life when it would be so easy to put a stop to it all. All he would have to do would be speak up and say what had really happened. »I just…«, Steve closed his eyes, no longer able to face the soft expression on Bucky’s face, »I don’t want to be Captain America anymore, «, he finally whispered, »I’m tired of fighting, Buck. I’m tired of being a soldier. I just…I just want to go home. «. Home…what does that even mean?

»Whatever you want, Stevie. «, Bucky replied, »I’ll be there with you. « And hearing that, those words, it was such a relief because this was them. Bucky and Steve against the rest of the world. »But first…«, the brunette continued, »I have my own story I still have to tell. «