All Sinners A Future, All Saints A Past

They were all back in the B.A.R.F. room. Or rather, Barnes was in the B.A.R.F. room and the rest of them was behind the glass panel, watching him while he put of the head set again. There had been a few sessions during the time he had been here but today, Barnes seemed nervous again. He had said he wanted to try to go through his earlier memories, so maybe that was why.

»Alright Robocop, just start with whatever memory you remember best and then go from there. Doesn’t have to be in the right order. It’s always possible that one memory triggers another so just…let it flow. «, he instructed, earning himself a glare from the ex – assassin who now sat back on the chair and closed his eyes.

Several images flashed through the room. Scenes from the war, no doubt.

A Street during winter.

Two girls laughing and waving at him.

A room that looked like a dormitory.

Little Steve sitting on a chair, a bruise on his face.

Peggy, wearing a red a dress, laughing.

It was whirlwind of colors and voices without focus or pattern until Barnes seemed to manage to concentrate on one particular memory.

Steve and Barnes were lying in bed. The same bed. Tony frowned at the image but refrained from commenting on it, who knew, maybe it was a pre – war thing…what he could not stay silent about was the fact how ridiculously small Steve was.

»Really Cap, how the hell did you stay on the ground on a windy day? «, he asked. He heard Clint chuckle but Steve didn’t even look at him, just grumbled »Shut up, Tony. « before going back to ignoring him. They watched as both boys, young men really, got up, Tony guessed that they were about 18 and 19, and went into the living room – kitchen – area, tip toing around a sofa with sleeping woman on it. Probably Steve’s mother, he guessed. It was impressive to watch the two of them move around each other. He had seen it on the train but even before that they were so in tune with each other, that every move looked like a carefully learned choreography. They made breakfast, or rather Steve made breakfast while also making sure that Barnes stayed away from the stove; Tony wondered what the story behind that was. Barnes himself made coffee and set the table. They didn’t talk, it seemed like they didn’t have to because they already knew what the other was thinking. Tony sneaked a glance Steve who was utterly silent, staring at the scene before him and Tony realized that the blonde must know exactly what it was they were watching. When Steve had finished with breakfast, both he and Barnes walked back to the sofa where the woman was still peacefully sleeping, completely oblivious to the boys in from of her.

»Hey mum, «, Steve whispered gently and pressed a kiss to her forehead, »Wake up. «

»Stevie? «, the woman muttered, blinking lazily.

»Happy birthday, mum. «, Steve was grinning from ear to ear now and his mum looked at him with a mixture of confusion and affection.

»Happy birthday, Sarah. «, Barnes offered her a mug of coffee, smiling just as brightly as Steve.

»Thanks boys. You didn’t have to - «, Sarah Rogers began but Steve cut her off, »No but we wanted to. «

»Steve made breakfast. «, Barnes quickly added, »Don’t worry, I didn’t do it. «, for some reason that got a laugh out of everybody and the three settled down at the table to eat. It seemed like a comfortable silence between them only occasionally interrupted by a cough from Steve which caused the other two to eye him with great concern.

»Thank you, this was wonderful. «, Sarah exclaimed when they had finished. She wasn’t old but Tony could see the first strands of grey in her hair and the dark circles under her eyes.

»Good, ‘cause we’re not finished yet. «, Steve announced and began to clean up the table, completely ignoring the questioning look in his mother’s eyes.

»It’s a surprise. «, Barnes informed her, »You just make sure that you are your usual gorgeous self and we’ll take care of the rest. « and…wow…Tony had read all about the lady’s man Bucky Barnes, the one that could charm any woman with just one smile but he hadn’t believed it until now. This Barnes…this Bucky…he was truly something, the way he smiled at Sarah, slightly crooked and mischievous making her blush.

»Buck, stop flirting with my mum. «, they heard Steve calling out from where he was washing the dishes and Bucky…Bucky winked at Sarah who shook her head in affectionate exasperation before getting up to get ready. Bucky leaned back in his chair and cradled the mug of coffee in his hands, grinning at Steve who was now leaning against the kitchen counter, obviously trying not to smile back, »You are the worst. «, Steve told him and Bucky only grinned wider, »Didn’t hear ya complainin’ last week when I got us into the movies for free, punk. «, he countered

.»Jerk. «

Huh…who’d have thought that Steve actually knew bad words…

The scene changed slightly and the three of them were in a park. It was clearly summer, the sun was shining down on them and Bucky had rolled up his sleeves which earned him a lot of giggles and hungry looks from by passing girls. He ignored them all. Instead he had one arm thrown around Steve’s shoulders and the other around Sarah’s hips, telling a story that made both of them laugh except Barnes didn’t seem to remember what he had said.

Next, they sat in a diner, ordering burgers and milkshakes and Sarah blushed when they told her that they’d been saving up for weeks for this, »We just wanted to do something nice for ya, mum. «, Steve said. »You’re always working and you deserve this. «

»Thank you, sweetheart. «, Sarah actually looked like she was about to cry and kissed Steve on the top of his head before doing the same to Bucky, »And thank you, son. «, she muttered and – yep that were definitely tears glistening in Bucky’s eyes. Interesting…Tony realized that maybe, he knew even less about the two Super – Soldiers than he had thought.

The memory faded and it was silent for a moment, safe for a sniffling sound coming from Steve who was openly crying. Tony couldn’t really blame him. That must have been shortly before his mother’s death and it looked like a day to remember. A happy day.

The next memory was dark and it took a moment for Tony to realize that that was because it was night. Bucky looked about the same age as before, dressed in dirty clothes, his hair a mess. Obviously, he was just coming from work. He was smoking a cigarette while he walked through the streets of New York until he entered the house they had seen in the memory before. It became obvious how tired he was, when it took him three tries to actually get the keys into the door before entering a dark apartment. Bucky dropped the key into a bowl by the door and began taking off his jacket while walking further into the apartment – and froze.

»Steve? «, a dark figure sat the table, not moving. Bucky switched on the lights and they saw Steve sitting with his back to Bucky and – was that a bottle of whisky? »Steve, what - «, Bucky rounded the table, obviously wanting to know what his friend was doing but stopped when he saw the blonde’s face and Tony drew in a sharp breath as well; Steve looked like shit. His eyes were red and swollen like he had been crying for hours and he was obviously drunk.

»She’s dead. «, the blonde said, his voice hollow.

Next to Tony, he could hear Sam’s voice low and rough, »How’d she die? «, he asked.

»Tuberculosis. «, Steve answered, »She was a nurse in the TB ward…I visited her every day, was with her when she died.. «, holy crap…Tony didn’t been want to imagine how that must have been.

Barnes seemed like he was losing focus again.

They saw Peggy again; the Howling Commandos in a bar; Sarah lying in a hospital bed, clearly sick; Steve with bloody knuckles and a split lip; Steve with a black eye; Steve standing a bathroom, his ribs a landscape of purple bruises and nasty cuts; Steve lying in a bed, looking like death warmed over; Steve; Steve; Steve…

They saw Bucky, a young Bucky, maybe 5 or 6, sitting in what looked like a dining hall with a bunch of other boys, some younger but most older than him. The little boy was picking at a slice of bread, his eyes half closed, yawing before dropping the food back on the plate and carrying it towards the kitchen.

They saw Bucky walking through the city on his own, towards a school. He looked lost in thoughts and seemed surprised when someone called from behind his back, »Hey James! «, Bucky turned around to see two boys coming towards him and Tony wondered why they called him James. Apparently, it was the first day in school and Tony had to admit that Barnes had been pretty smart back then, unlike his two friends Henry and Paul who seemed like idiots.

During lunch break, there was some kind of commotion and naturally everyone gathered around to watch; Tony couldn’t blame them, he would do the same because really? Who didn’t love a little drama. Except the drama were two huge boys beating the crap out of a much, much smaller boy. Holy mother of sin…is that Steve? If Steve had been small at the age of 18, he was positively tiny at the age of five, not that he seemed to care. One of the guys he was fighting was holding him up while the other beat him but that didn’t seem to stop Steve from struggling and literally spitting at the boy’s face that was hitting him and then everything happened very quickly; Bucky ran at the boy in front of Steve and tackled him to the ground before demanding of the other one to let Steve go.

»You okay? « Bucky asked tiny Steve who glared at the older boy, »I had it under control. «, he snapped and Tony was really impressed how such a small guy could have so much fight in him.

»I’m sure you did, «, Bucky answered and somehow, he managed to make it sound earnest like he honestly believed that, yes, of course Steve had had it under control. »I’m James. «

»Steve. «

And here ladies and gentlemen, you see the beginning of a beautiful friendship. 

After watching the first meeting between Steve and James, Sam began to understand what James had meant when he said that Steve was a little shit. Because he truly was. There was one memory after another in which Steve was fighting some bully and James had to carry him home to help him clean up. There were other things too. Steve seemed to have had a talent for getting himself into trouble, for example calling one of the neighbors an old hag because she was complaining about ‘those niggers’, or talking back to the priest at church after he had preached about the original sin and how women couldn’t be trusted, or convincing a 16 year – old Bucky to go to Coney Island with him and sneak on one of the rides even though Steve was too small and he had eaten three hot dogs. It was actually funny how the history books had gotten it all wrong. Sure, everyone knew about Steve Rogers and his best friend Bucky Barnes but they made it look like Steve had been some kind of angel and Bucky had started all he trouble when really, it was Steve that had started it and James that had followed him unconditionally and helped him out in the end.

James was about 7, sitting outside the orphanage, reading a book when Steve came up to him, »Stevie? What are you doing here? «, James asked and glanced around nervously. Steve shrugged, »You weren’t at the playground and I wanted to see you. «

»Yeah, sorry. «, James muttered, blushing lightly, »’m grounded. «

»What? Why? «

»I got into fight with Brown and Trenton. «, the brunette shrugged.

»Why? «, Steve pressed further.

»’Cause they were speakin’ ill about you. «, the way he said, made it sound like it was the most obvious think in the world and for James, it probably was. Steve opened his mouth to reply something but in that moment, a window opened and an old woman stuck her head out, shouting, »James Buchanan Barnes, what do you think you’re doing?! Get back inside! «, before slamming the window shut again and James blushed even more while Steve giggled, »Buchanan? «, he repeated.

»Shut up. «, James grumbled.

»Oh, I know! Can I call you Bucky? «, Steve asked full of excitement.

»No, you can’t. Shut up. «

»Okay, Bucky. «

»Steve. «

»Yes, Bucky? «

»Steve. «

»Bucky. «

The two boys stared at each other for a moment, it was a Serious Stare, an I’m – Not – Joking Stare, before they both broke out in hysterious laugher.

»Punk. «, the newly named Bucky muttered and gently shoved Steve to the side.

»Jerk. «

After that they watched several Steve’s in some stage of sickness and Bucky was always there to take care of him.

There was also the memory, James had told him about, the one where Steve had gotten into a fight and had had an asthma attack. Sam was impressed to see how an 11 – year – old boy could actually stay so calm when seeing his best friend not being able to breathe.

It was clearly night. Bucky was lying in his bed in the orphanage but he wasn’t asleep. Sam wondered wat he was waiting for. That question kind of answered itself when the door to the dormitory opened and someone came in to check on the boys, as soon as they were gone, James was out of his bed, tip – toeing towards the door and peeking outside. Everything seemed clear. Sam glanced at Steve and was a bit surprised to see the blonde frowning like he had no idea what he was watching. Bucky was walking down a flight of stairs now, skipping every other step, probably because they would have creaked, and turned into a dark corridor before stopping in front of a door. He looked to all sides before picking the lock and quickly sliding inside the room. It looked like a nurse’s office. Determined, Bucky strode over to a wooden cabinet which was locked as well but only took a couple of seconds to pick open and Sam began to wonder how many locks James had picked in his childhood and more importantly, why. Inside the cabinet was medicine and Sam grew even more confused but Bucky seemed to know exactly what he was doing because he quickly grabbed a few bottles and stuffed them into his pockets before closing the doors again and turning around. Next to Sam, Steve was now completely frozen, a horrible kind of realization dawning on his face and in the memory, Bucky froze too. A tall man with a wild scar across his face glared at the boy and the next thing they say was Bucky sitting in an office while a stern looking man with glasses and no hair was talking down on him, »This is the last straw, James. You cause us nothing but trouble and don’t even pretend you’re not sneaking out every night. Taking food from the kitchen and now this…I want you gone by tomorrow. If you’re not, I will call the police, I’m sure they’ll be happy to deal with you. «. Bucky was dismissed and Sam tried to imagine himself in his situation. He couldn’t. Bucky must have been 15 or 16 at that point and he just became homeless but he also didn’t seem to really care. It was with a kind of grim resolution, that he packed his bag, literally just one bag, and walked out of the orphanage without even looking back. Sam wondered where he was going.

»God, Bucky… «, Steve breathed out, one of his hands clasped over his mouth.

»What was he trying to take? «, Natasha asked.

»Proper medicine for me, «, the blonde whispered while they watched Bucky climb through the window into Steve’s room. »My ma couldn’t afford any and…Bucky was always nicking stuff from the corner stores, y’know…small stuff. An apple, some candy or a sandwich. It was the 30s and the middle of the Depression, people were losing their jobs and everyone was scared…I knew they’d thrown him out of the orphanage but he told never me why. «

The next morning, Bucky left without waking up Steve and Sam saw the pain in today’s Steve’s eyes. »I guess now I know. «, he finished although he seemed to be talking more to himself than the others.  

Clint had read about the Hoovervilles during the Depression, he’d seen documentaries and pictures but…this was worse.

Seeing a 16 – year – old Barnes standing in the middle of Central Park with nothing but a small bag and the clothes he was wearing and no place to go…it reminded Clint a lot of himself except that he had left the relative safety of his home to join the circus. Bucky hadn’t.

»Jared, this is my sister Jenna. «

»James. «

It was kind of endearing to watch Bucky talk about Steve. The way his eyes began to shine, the smile he didn’t even seem to realise he had. It made Clint wonder just how close the Captain and Barnes had become later on.

They watched Bucky struggle with his life at the Hooverville while also trying to hide it from Steve and his mum. It was sketchy, like Barnes didn’t remember a lot of that time but they did see that he talked a lot to the siblings, Jared and Jenna. Then, Bucky found Steve in another fight.

»Fucking hell, really Steve? Really? I leave you alone for five minutes…«, it was fairly obvious that Bucky was mostly concerned about his friend but apparently Steve couldn’t see that. He sounded annoyed, »I didn’t need your help, y’know…I had it covered. «

»Sure ya did. «

»I’m not a fucking child Buck. «, Steve snapped and Clint could hear Tony gasp at the swearword., »I can look after myself. «

»But that’s the thing Stevie, you can’t. Not when you get yourselves into fights every other day just to proof a point. «

»Fuck you, Barnes. «,

»My, my, Cap. Didn’t think you’d have it in you. «, Tony cackled and Steve ignored him while Bucky ran after the memory – Steve. »I’m just trying to keep you safe. «, he argued and Steve shook his head, »No. No you’re trying to tell me what to do. But you don’t get to do that, Bucky. Not when you’re lying to me. «,

»What? «,

»I know, Bucky, I know that you’re keeping secrets and that’s fine, I guess. Just don’t be a hypocrite. « and then Steve walked away and they could see the hurt in Bucky’s eyes but he didn’t try to follow this time.

Back in Central Park, Bucky sat in the dark of the trees, clearly sulking, when Jared sat down next to him, offering him a bottle of whisky and the two started talking until two men stumbled out of the shadows and started making out right in front of them. To say that Clint was surprised would be an understatement. He might not have finished high school but he did know that homosexuality in that time was not something you openly advertised. Apparently, Bucky was thinking the same because he looked like he had just seen a ghost.

»You okay? You got a problem with that? «, Jared asked

»No? «, Bucky replied although it sounded more like a question itself than an answer, »It’s just…it’s illegal, isn’t it? «, he elaborated.

»Well, yeah. «, Jared answered and shrugged, »But it’s not like anyone in this shithole gives a damn. We’re scum remember? «

And then – and then they were kissing and Bucky was making sounds that Clint had never needed to hear another man make. Especially not a HYDRA ex – assassin. The memory blurred out, whether because Barnes was censoring it or because of the alcohol, he didn’t know but Clint was kind of grateful that it did, however, they did hear Jared’s voice one last time before the scene changed again.

»You know, I might have a job for you. « Clint really didn’t like the sound of that.

With good reason as it turned out. Barnes never showed any actual details of what he did but it was clear nonetheless when they saw him kneeling in dark alleys or receiving money by old, fat men. Well…at least I never had to do that. He thought and looked around to see the other’s reactions to this new development. Natasha’s face was unreadable, no surprise there; Sam looked like he was in physical pain; Bruce had averted his eyes and Tony seemed outright speechless, which was certainly a first. He looked at Steve who seemed not surprised, »You knew? «, he asked because he just couldn’t help himself and Steve just nodded silently.

There were more scenes of Bucky with Jared until one night they were both drinking again and sharing a cigarette when Jared suggested Bucky could earn even more money if he went ‘all the way’.

»I ain’t letting nobody fuck me, J. «, Bucky told the older boy even though he was clearly drunk. Clint noted that he had seen him drunk in a lot of those memories.

»C’mon, James. I know you get off on it, the dirtiness of it…you’re a good whore, so act like one. « Okay…that was harsh. Bucky didn’t seem to have truly registered the insult but just slurred a »Fuck you. «, which Jared just used as a challenge and Clint watched in utter disgust while he tried to force himself on the much younger and much drunker man and he nearly cheered when Bucky managed to shove him off and run away.

They saw a few scenes where Bucky was at Steve’s place and Clint guessed that he had finally moved in there. He also saw how happy Steve was to have his best friend around at all times.

»It took him a month or so until he told me what had happened. Or rather I made him tell me. «, Steve muttered and now after everything they’d seen from Steve’s past, Clint could totally see that happen.

Bucky and Steve were out and Bucky was dancing with some girl even though he didn’t seem all that interested in her and soon made an excuse to leave with Steve. Outside, Bucky was cornered by one of his ‘clients’ and Clint would have loved to go in there and punch that asshole in the face to harassing a teenager.

»What. The Hell. Was that? «, Steve asked and they all saw Bucky blushing even though it was pretty dark in the memory.

»That was nothing, «, which, of course, Steve didn’t believe. They went home and what followed was one of the most heart breaking coming out conversations Clint had ever witnessed (he had witnessed exactly one, but that wasn’t the point).

They saw Sarah’s funeral again and then watched the landlord chew them out for being behind with the rent and demanding that they’d be gone by the end of the month, fucking prick.

 »You can leave, y’know. There’s nothing left for you here. I’m gonna lose the flat, I know I will, so you should get out while you still can. «, Steve told the brunette and he sounded so tired, so worn out it almost hurt just hearing it.

»You’re wrong. First of all, we are going to lose it. And then we are going to deal with it. I ain’t going nowhere, Stevie. I promised your ma to look after you, so that’s what I’ll do. I’m with you till the end of the line, pal. «

Oh. 

It wasn’t often that Natasha was surprised by something or someone but this, watching all these memories from James’ past…well, she couldn’t have seen all that coming.

They watched Bucky working at the docks, fleeting images of him and his coworkers covered in sweat in dirt. There were a few memories of Bucky going on dates with girls only to sneak into dark corners with some guy, and a few double dates with Steve which Steve obviously hated and then they saw Bucky getting home during one night with Steve waiting up for him, confronting Bucky about the ‘dames’ and Natasha had to suppress a smirk. That, she had seen coming. Steve, pre – serum Steve, wasn’t exactly subtle; on second thought, post – serum Steve wasn’t either.

She watched with great amusement as Steve slowly walked towards Bucky practically naked, giving him bedroom eyes if Natasha ever saw them and Bucky…well…Bucky looked like he was thisclose to having a stroke.

»Holy motherfucking Jesus, «, Tony muttered under his breath, »Steve are you sure that’s you and not your evil twin?«

This time, it was more than just Steve that told Tony to shut up although Steve was by far the most embarrassed, his face and probably the rest of his body as well, bright red. It looked like nothing had actually happened that night but they had seen enough to guess what was still going to happen and true enough, there were various scenes of Steve and Bucky in more or less compromising positions, always in the safety of their apartment but Natasha guessed that it had still been risky.

It must have been winter, and Steve was sick again, lying on their mattress covered by all the blankets the two boys possessed and still shivering, his forehead was covered in sweat and he was coughing non – stop. They saw Bucky sitting by his boyfriend’s side, telling him jokes, making him laugh, reading to him, bringing him food and water and medicine. Always smiling, always cheerful. And then Steve fell asleep and Bucky’s face dropped while he stared at Steve’s face, eyes filled with fear and so much love, and sometimes, he cried.

»I nearly died that winter, « Steve explained, »I mean, I nearly died every winter but that one…it was especially hard. We had even less money and it was so cold and I just didn’t seem to get better.«

Evidently, Steve had gotten better because the next think they saw was Steve leaving the apartment to go to the store while Bucky was reading. When Steve came back, he was covered in dirt and blood and Bucky grew pale, »What the hell, Stevie? «, he cried out and jumped to his feet to rush to his boyfriend. The blonde looked truly horrible. His clothes were torn, his nose broken, his lip was split, he had a black eye and several cuts all over his body. It seemed like a miracle that he was still on his feet. »Jesus…I should get you to the hospital. «, Bucky muttered while half carrying the younger man out the door again and towards the bathroom.

»No hospital. «, Steve slurred, »’m fine. «

Natasha refrained from rolling her eyes. It was a typical Steve – thing to say, one he still did nowadays. In the memory, Bucky sighed and shook his head but not otherwise dignifying the statement with a reply, instead, he brought Steve into the bathroom and closed the door behind them before carefully stripping his clothes, exposing the true extend of the injuries. The brunette bit his lip, obviously trying not to speak. He stayed quiet all the way through making Steve sit down in the bathtub and gently cleaning off the blood and dirt but the raw emotions in his eyes made it clear what he was thinking. It almost seemed like Bucky was the one in pain, and in a way Natasha supposed that he was. Steve was almost falling asleep in the bathtub now and Bucky helped him stand up and wrapped him up in a towel.

»I gotta cover up those cuts, okay baby? «, he whispered and Steve gave a weak nod; he hardly reacted when Bucky applied the bandages and by the time he was dressed in some oversized pajamas, Steve was quite literally snoring while Bucky held him up without effort. They watched Bucky carrying Steve back to the apartment and lying him down on the mattress, covering him with the quilt and a few blankets before settling down next to him. But Bucky didn’t sleep, instead he watched Steve with an incredibly soft impression and even though it was dark, Natasha could have sworn that she saw tears in Bucky’s eyes.

It was the next morning and Bucky was checking on the injuries, when he finally snapped.

»Steve, you can’t keep doing this. «, he said quietly without looking up from the colorful landscape that was Steve’s ribs, »I can’t watch you throw yourself into one fight after another without even caring what happens to you…Steve…fuck, Stevie…you could have died last night. «, this time there was no doubt, Bucky was crying and he didn’t even try to hide it.

»But I didn’t, Buck. I didn’t. You can stop worrying about me. «, Steve replied but Bucky just shook his head, »You don’t get it, do you? I’m always gonna worry about your stupid ass. Always. I don’t know how to stop. I…I fucking love you, you idiot. «. It must have been the first time those words were said because both Steve and Bucky stilled in their movements and when Bucky looked up to meet Steve’s gaze, his eyes were wide and filled with fear while Steve looked surprised but also happy, »I love you too, jerk. «

»Language. « 

Watching the truly epic love story of Steve and Bucky unfold before their eyes made Tony feel all kind of things he hadn’t thought he’d even be able to feel. It was soft and sweet and heartbreaking and once or twice, Tony actually had had to swallow down his tears; like now, watching the two young men sit in front of a radio, listening to Roosevelt declaring war on Japan. He could see the fear in young Bucky’s eyes, the realization that from now on nothing would stay the same and the determination to protect Steve. Always protect Steve. That was something Tony had figured out early on, that the biggest motivation of those two was the other. Protecting them. Loving them. And Tony began to wonder if he had ever had a person like that in his life. Sure, Rhodey was his best friend and he would die for him and Pepper was…it was impossible to describe what Pepper was to him but it still didn’t compare to this. This was more something more than love; a bone deep need, a codependence, an emotion that was down right dangerous because these two would burn down the world for each other. It made Tony ache for something he never had.

And then they saw Bucky sit alone in their apartment, a letter in his hand, his face a mask of stone. Tony distantly recognized the piece of paper as the drafting it was and there was something in the back of his mind that told him that this was wrong because surely Sergeant James Barnes had enlisted? Surely, he had joined the army on his own free will? But then he stopped and thought about – actually thought about it – and it made sense. Bucky would have never left his Steve alone unless he had had to.

»He never told me he’d been drafted, «, Steve’s voice cut through the silence, »I always thought…«, there was so much pain in the Captain’s face and suddenly it hit Tony what this meant…Barnes, the longest serving POW in history, forced to fight in a war he never wanted to be part of…yeah, let’s not think about that too closely…

There was fleeting image of Bucky and Steve in a small bar full of people and Steve and Bucky standing in the middle of the crowd, dancing and smiling at each other, it was a bit confusing and Tony really wanted to ask Steve what that was about, but he didn’t have to because the blonde was already speaking, his voice soft and his eyes glazed by the memory, »That was the last night before he went off to training. «, he explained, »Bucky said…he said he wanted to treat his best guy to something special…it was crazy. We’d never been to a place like that, a place where two fellas could dance and no one batted an eye at it. ‘t was still risky but it was worth it. «, and it seemed like that too because in the memory, both men looked so happy and relaxed and Tony had the feeling that he wouldn’t be seeing that again for some time.

Bucky was at the camp with other men, some of them just kids. They watched him talk and laugh but there was always this sadness in his eyes, a faraway look, a longing for home. They watched the brunette crawl through dust and climb up walls, they saw him doing push – ups and jumping jacks, the occasional brawl with another guy and then there was Bucky on a shooting range, hitting every target and everyone else staring at him with awe and jealousy and fear and although Bucky was smiling when the Colonel congratulated him for his promotion, it never reached his eyes.

Bucky was back in Brooklyn, at the docks with one of his coworkers and they were smoking and talking when they heard the tell – tale sounds of a fight and Tony had to physically restrain himself from laughing out loud because the look on Bucky’s face was the look of a man that was just done with everything and everyone around him, it was a here we go again face, a one of these days I’m gonna kill him face. Except it wasn’t Steve.

»Jared? «, confusion and relieve lit up Bucky’s eyes while Tony tried to remember who Jared was, then he saw the guy’s face and he wished he didn’t know. Tony surprised himself a bit at how much disdain he felt fir the man lying on the floor, clearly in pain. He found himself wishing he died right then and there while Bucky was helping him, helping the man that had tried to rape him…»I forgive you. «, Bucky was whispering. »I forgive you. «

And Tony wondered why he had done that, if he could have done that…forgive the people that had held him hostage, that had tortured him and hurt him. He didn’t think so. Forgiveness was a hard thing to do, a thing that required strength he didn’t have, it made him see Barnes in another light.

I forgive you. 

Sam was fighting back tears yet again when he saw Bucky sit in a dark apartment on his own, staring at a picture of himself with Steve and Sarah Rogers. Crying.

Sam didn’t know how he knew it, but he knew that this was the night before Bucky had shipped out.

»I want you to have it, «, Steve told him and then pulled out a golden pin, a four-leave clover, the same one they had seen before, after Steve had flown into the Arctic. »I also want you to have this. «

»What is it? «, Clint asked softly, voicing the question they’d all been asking themselves.

»It belonged to my mum’s family. She gave it to my dad when he went to war, it’s a sign of faith and love and luck…«, his voice trailed off and no one spoke for a long while.

»So you got a reason to come back to me. «, young Steve said with tears in his eyes.

»I’ll always come back to you, Stevie. I promise. «.

And miraculously, Bucky had indeed kept that promise.