Slowly But Surely
Someone had taken off the headset. James wasn’t quite sure who.
He sat on the chair, frozen in place and there was a soft voice talking to him but the words seemed far far away and he couldn’t understand them. A hand on his shoulder snapped him out of it and suddenly he had Steve pinned to the wall before him, metal hand wrapped tightly around the other man’s throat.
»It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m sorry. «, Steve gasped out and James stumbled backwards. His head was reeling and throbbing he felt like he might be sick again, he was aware of people watching him but for once the thought didn’t make him uncomfortable. It didn’t do anything.
»B – Bucky. «, Steve’s voice was gentle, cautious, like one might talk to a wild animal, »Bucky please look at me. «. James wasn’t sure why he did it but he turned his head towards the voice and looked directly into a pair of blue eyes, »You’re safe. Those were just memories, they can’t hurt you anymore, okay? Nobody’s gonna hurt you here, I won’t let that happen. «. James believed him. He was glad that Steve didn’t try to touch him again but he did stay close by and James was grateful for that too.
He remembered a little bit more about Steve now, knew that he was safe. Safe was good.
Steve wasn’t even surprised when Bucky suddenly choked him, he should have known better than to just touch him but he had been completely unresponsive to everything he had tried and…well…he hadn’t really cared. He was just glad that the rest of the team hadn’t come barging in, weapons blazing; that would have just made everything so much worse.
»He’s gonna stay with me. «, Steve announced as soon as he was sure that Bucky had calmed down.
»Excuse me? «, Tony looked at him in bewilderment; Steve was still waiting for him to bring up his parents.
»Bucky. He’s gonna stay with me, on my floor. «
»Steve, you can’t - «, Natasha started but Steve cut her off, »No Natasha, you can’t. You can’t keep him locked up like a prisoner or some kind of fascinating science experiment. He’s been both already and I won’t let you treat him any different than he deserves to be treated. Respectful and kind. «, he took a deep breath, »So either, Bucky is going to live on my floor of we’re both leaving. «, he decided before turning back around and leading Bucky towards the elevator, completely ignoring the stunned faces he was leaving behind.
Tony had questions. Many questions in fact. Curiously, not one of them was about his parents. He had always had this suspicion in the back of his head that that accident hadn’t exactly been accidental and…well…it wasn’t like Barnes had had a say in it. You can’t blame a weapon for hurting people, no, you blame the person behind the weapon, in this case HYDRA.
Still. Tony had questions.
For example, what was the deal with that golden pin? Who had put out the hit on the President? Why had HYDRA never cut his hair? What was behind the technology in the arm? Why was Steve so damn suicidal? And what was it about that incredibly cheesy line that cut through seventy years of brain washing like a knife through warm butter?
I’m with you till the end of the line.
Tony felt like he might get a diabetic shock just from the sweetness of it.
Tony looked around and saw the rest of the team in various stages of shock and he had to admit, he couldn’t blame them. What they had just witnessed went beyond any nightmares Tony might have had and he had a lot of those. Not that he would admit that out loud.
It was dinner time and almost everyone was assembled on the common floor, everyone except Barnes and Rogers. Tony had suggested to go and check up on them but had been met by four shaking heads and the assumption that ‘they might need some space’. Tony wasn’t having it. Taking his dinner down to his lab, he quickly told JARVIS to pull up the cameras on the Captain’s floor and saw Steve standing at the stove, cooking, while Barnes sat motionless at the table, his eyes following the Captain’s every move. It was kind of boring to watch but also fascination because, hello? Super Soldier domesticity…Apparently, Steve had been making soup and was now placing a steaming bowl in front of Barnes who eyed it with slight suspicion but started eating after seeing Steve do the same.
»You don’t have to do this, you know. «, Barnes muttered after some time without as much as looking at Steve.
»I know, but I want to. «, Steve replied, making it sound like the most natural thing in the world.
»Why? «Steve dropped his spoon and turned his entire focus on the brunette, »Because you’re my friend. Because you deserve to get better. Because I’ve lost you before and I won’t let it happen again. «. Barnes, too, had stopped eating, »I’m not him. I – I remember you from before. I think. And I remember him. At least a bit. And I’m not that person anymore. «
»Yeah well, neither am I. «, Steve shrugged and they fell back into silence.
Tony felt a bit creepy for watching them, spying on them, technically, but whatever. He kept going and eventually Steve showed Barnes the guest room before going to his own bed and Tony fell asleep with his head on the desk.
When he woke up the next morning, he discovered that all the cameras on Steve’s floor had been disabled.
After Steve had taken in James, Sam had gone back to D.C. After all, his life was there, his apartment, his job.
He made sure to talk to Steve almost every day and went back to New York on the weekends, taking Tony up on his offer of his own room in the Tower but he was also kind of glad to get a bit of a distance between himself and all the super hero business; it just wasn’t him.
From what Steve had told him, James was making progress. He had used B.A.R.F. a few more times, mostly filling in the gaps of his time with HYDRA but never going to the times before that and never showing the actual programming. He was doing okay, or so Steve said even though he hardly talked to anyone apart from his childhood friend.
Which was, why Sam had been even more surprised when he had come home one day after work to find one James Buchanan Barnes sitting in the dark of his kitchen.
»Did you break into apartment? «, he had asked redundantly.
»Wasn’t exactly difficult. Your locks are shit. «, James had answered, not even pretending to be sorry. Sam had shaken his head and gone to the fridge to get himself and his unexpected visitor a beer. Sam hadn’t asked why James had been there and James had offered no explanation, so they had simply sat in silence until the other man had gotten up and left but from that day on, James showed up every now and then and some days it was just like that first time but other days, they talked.
»I lied to Steve, «, James had told him once, »I said that I don’t really remember much from before the war, ‘s why I never go back to those times during the B.A.R.F. sessions. «
»But you do? «
»Yeah. Not everything but…enough. Enough to know that I’m not that person anymore and I don’t think I ever will be again. «
»Why don’t you tell him? «, he had asked, although he had been sure he already knew the answer. James had just shrugged and muttered, »I don’t know. «
»I think you do. «
James had left then, leaving the conversation unfinished but when he had come back a week later, he had picked it up again as if there had been no interruption, »I’m scared. «, the ex – assassin had admitted, »Steve’s denying it but I know he keeps hoping that I might go back to the way I was. I’m a different person now. «
»So is he. «, Sam had pointed out, taking a swig from his beer.
»Yeah I know. Steve…he used to be happy, I guess. Happier than he is now, anyway. He had this…big heart. Wore it on his sleeve like a torch lighting the way. He still got the same heart he just…keeps it more to himself I guess. «.
Sam liked listening to James talking about the past. There always was a fond expression in his eyes whenever he thought of Steve, little Steve before the serum. It made Sam smile. Tonight, James was there again and Sam didn’t even blink anymore, simply got the beer and settled onto his couch while James stayed on the kitchen chair.
»I remember, one year, I think it was ’28, I was 11, Steve was 10 and he got into another fight. Stupid punk never knew when to stay away. He was really beat up and I wasn’t there to help him but I found him, lying on the floor. He had an asthma attack and I was just a kid, didn’t really know what to do. I remember being so scared…I blamed myself for what happened. Somehow, I managed to get him through it but…I really thought he’d die right there in my arms. «
»He get into lot of fights? «, Sam asked, not quiet believing what he was hearing.
»Loads, «, James laughed, »I really don’t know who you people these days think he was but…Steve was like ninety pounds of pride and angry asthma. Zero impulse control whatsoever. Always got himself into trouble and I had to get him out of it. I swear, the guy was like a mad chihuahua. «. Sam couldn’t help it, he nearly choked on his beer at the mental image. »Seriously? We always thought he was this innocent, little kid. «
»Oh man…Steve was so far from innocent. I mean…he grew up in a rough neighborhood. You’re bound to toughen up. The apartment Steve and I lived in wasn’t exactly good either and then there was the army…no…Steve’s a little shit. Always has been. «
»He doesn’t show it. «
»He does…you just don’t know where to look. « and with that cryptic statement, he left and Sam had to agree with Steve, James was doing okay.
Bucky.
He was trying out the name in his head. So far everyone, except for Steve, called him James. And then there was Stark who kind of seemed to come up with another nickname every other day.
Bucky.
It didn’t have the sour taste anymore, not the way it used to have in the beginning.
Bucky.
Bucky had been living at the Tower for three months now. Nine months away from HYDRA. He still didn’t sleep a lot, but the nightmares seemed to become a little bit less and he still didn’t trust the others but he had stopped flinching at every noise. Despite Stark’s bravado, he never let Bucky out of his sight when he was in the room, as if he could turn into a bloodthirsty monster every second; Bruce watched him mostly with concern; Natasha with suspicion and Clint jumped every time Bucky so much as made a sudden movement. They were all wary of him. All except for Steve.
It had been hard at first.
Bucky couldn’t deal with touches while at the same time he wanted nothing more than to be held tight but he hadn’t known how to ask for that so it had started off small. A brush of legs when they were sitting together on the sofa. A gentle hand on the shoulder. A squeeze of the arm. Now, Bucky felt mostly comfortable and it had become a daily routine for him to be curled up on the sofa, his head in Steve’s lap while the blonde ran his fingers through Bucky’s hair. They were currently watching Doctor Who on Netflix, the final episode of the first season, Jack was just kissing the Doctor goodbye and Bucky tensed.
»What’s wrong? «, Steve asked, immediately stopping his hands, »Buck? «
»Can they do that? On television? «, he asked. The scene was long gone but Bucky didn’t pay any more attention to what was happening on the screen.
»Oh, yeah. «, Steve sounded like he was surprised by the question. Bucky wondered why. »It’s legal and everything. People can even get married. «
»Seriously? «
»Uh – hu. «, the hands started stroking again, »Do you – do you remember how it was before? «, he asked carefully and Bucky had to close his eyes for a moment. He felt bad for lying to Steve.
»A bit. «, he answered, »I know it wasn’t legal and I definitely know that marriage was out of the question. «
»That it was. «
The next day, Bucky found himself once again in Sam’s kitchen.
»I have these memories. From before. «, he began to explain, »Or I think I do. I’m not sure if they’re actual memories or just…wishful thinking. «, he thought back to the dreams he had. Little Steve, sweet Steve, walking towards him in nothing but an undershirt and tight boxers, kissing him. The feeling of soft lips on his skin, gentle hands all over his body. It felt real but…why hasn’t Steve said anything?
»Can you tell me what they’re about? «, Steve asked, bringing Bucky back to reality.
»Steve. «, he answered shortly.
»Can you ask him about it? «
»I’d rather not. «, if he was wrong, that would just be embarrassing.
»Well, «, Sam started, »as far as I understand, B.A.R.F. differentiates between dreams and actual memories…«, of course it did. Bucky had actually forgotten why he was so hesitant about looking at the memories from before the war except that he was scared. Of what exactly was unclear even to him but he was. »You don’t have to but you should think about it. And you should give Steve a bit credit here. I think he actually understand pretty well that you have changed and it’s not like he doesn’t already know who you used to be. He has those memories as well. «, Sam was right of course but that didn’t make it easier.
»I’ll think about it. «
Steve was a bit worried about Bucky. His friend had been sneaking out at least once a week but never mentioned anything to Steve and Steve was afraid to ask. He trusted Bucky and he wanted Bucky to do the same.
It was another night for him where he lay awake, tossing and turning, while Bucky was away. He hadn’t checked, he hadn’t needed to, he just knew and…it scared him.
What if he’s not coming back? It was a constant thought.
Bucky was getting better, he was becoming his own person again, not Bucky from before the war, not Bucky from during the war, not the Winter Soldier but something in between. A mixture of all he used to be and all he could be. He was quieter now, more in his own head; he always counted all the exits when they weren’t in the safety of their floor; he slept with a gun under his pillow and never left the Tower without at least one kind of weapon. But he also laughed again. The first time Steve had heard it, he had nearly cried because it had been the most wonderful sound in the world. He had a darker sense of humor but that was okay with Steve. But most importantly, Bucky let his guard down with Steve around. It was more than Steve could have ever hoped for. And now Bucky was gone. Again. And Steve was scared.
The rattling sound of the train was the only thing in his head. The mild vibrations, lulling him, cold air rushing over his body. He managed to look up just in time to see Bucky, shield in his hand, walk towards the man in the metal suit. He wanted to shout out, wanted to warn him but no sound left his mouth. In slow – motion, he watched the blaster go off, watched Bucky raise the shield and - »Bucky! «.
Bucky was hanging on the outside of the train, close, so close.
»Hang on! Grab my hand! «
He was reaching out, reaching further and further, while the wind was tearing at his body, trying to drag him out of the train. A squeak, a loud crack. The world had stopped turning and Bucky was falling, falling, falling…
»Steve. Steve, wake up! «, a familiar, soft voice whispered into his ear while a gentle hand was cradling his head, »Steve. Stevie. It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re safe. «
»B – Bucky? «, Steve let out a sob, blinking his tears away. Bucky was there, right there, sitting next him on the bed.
»Yeah, it’s me. I’ve got you. «
»Oh god. Oh god. «, Steve couldn’t help it, he surged forward and wrapped his arms around the brunette, he had to, had to make sure that it was really Bucky, that this wasn’t another dream.
»Shh. «, a firm metal hand, landed in his back, holding him while the other one, the hand out of flesh and blood, caressed the back his head.
Slowly, very slowly, Steve managed to calm his breathing, focusing solely on the feeling of the pair of strong arms holding him and for a moment he felt like he was back to being small, for a moment a could pretend like nothing had changed and they were still in their shitty, little apartment in Brooklyn where the walls were too thin and the heating never really worked.
»Can you stay? «, Steve muttered against Bucky’s neck, afraid that if he let go, he would fall back into the nightmare.
»Of course. «
They shifted, Buck never really letting go of Steve and Steve was grateful for that. He didn’t fall back asleep and neither did Bucky but that was okay because lying in each other’s arms made them both feel safe in a way they hadn’t felt in a long time.
The next morning, Steve got out of bed at his usual time to go for his run and came back to the smell of fresh coffee. Bucky stood on the balcony with his mug in one hand a cigarette in the other and Steve froze for a second because it looked so familiar, seeing the man with tousled hair, only dressed in a t – shirt and sweatpants, drinking coffee and smoking.
»Is that my shirt? «, he asked when he joined Bucky outside and the brunette just smiled into his mug and shrugged before his face suddenly grew serious.
»I lied to you, Steve. «, he suddenly announced.
»About what? «
»I – I remember quite a bit…from before the war, I think…It’s a bit blurry and things are mixed up but…I think I want to do another session today. «
Steve wanted to ask, why didn’t you say anything? He wanted to say, what exactly do you remember? He wanted to make sure if Bucky was alright. But he didn’t. Instead he smiled and replied, »Of course, Buck, Let’s have breakfast and then go and find Tony. «