There’s A Story In Your Eyes
It had been a rash decision. He had known that they would never catch Bucky if they kept following him so he had gone ahead and decided to wait for him. Stealing the Quinjet had been easy but once he had arrived in Siberia, he had realized that he had had no idea where to go from there.
Should I talk to him? What if he doesn’t recognize me?
As it had turned out, Bucky had already been waiting for him. It was a little piece of hope that Steve now clung to like a lifeline.
You’ve always been a stubborn idiot.
Bucky was kept in the Hulk Chamber for now even though Steve found that a little bit exaggerated since the brunette had made no attempts whatsoever to break out. He just sat there, staring into nothingness.
»I’m sorry but I don’t think it’s a good idea, «, Bruce had told him after Steve had demanded to speak to Bucky, »Not until we know more about his conditioning. You can watch of course but you can’t talk to him in person. «
So here he was, staring at the screen in front of him with the rest of the team, while Bruce had gone in to talk to Bucky.
»Hello, I’m Doctor Bruce Banner. «, he introduced himself, keeping a safe distance from the assassin.
»You’re a friend of Steve. «, it wasn’t a question but Bruce nodded nonetheless.
»I am, «, he answered, »James. Is it okay if I call you James? « Bucky shrugged. »Do you know where you are? «
»Stark Tower. New York City. «
»And do you know what year it is? «
»2015. «
»Good. Now…I need you to tell me what you remember. Anything at all, no matter how small or insignificant it might seem. «
Bucky moved his head and looked at Bruce for the first time since he had entered the room, a frown on his face, »I remember - «, he hesitated, »There was a war. I remember being scared. «
»Why were you scared, James? «
»I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to leave but I had to. I also remember being angry. Really angry. But I don’t know why. «
»That’s okay. Just, try to concentrate on what’s there. «, Bruce encouraged him.
»I remember Steve. He was my friend. He always did stupid things. «Oh god, at this rate, Steve was going to start crying in front of his team. Bucky looked so…lost. It broke his heart.
»Very good. James, I want you to write down your memories, okay? Anything that comes to mind. Images, feelings, dreams. I want you to write it down, can you do that? «
Bucky nodded slowly, like he wasn’t sure about his answer but he stayed quiet and Bruce handed him a notebook and a pen which Bucky accepted without a word. When Bruce rejoined the team, he looked slightly more relaxed than he had before going in and Steve let out a breath which he hadn’t even noticed he’d been holding.
»I think he’ll be alright. «, the doctor announced, »Of course it’s hard to say how much of his memory will recover but this is already better than I had expected. It’s been a bit over six months since he has escaped HYDRA and he already shows signs of healing. We should run a few tests, also I think we should make sure that the metal arm doesn’t have some kind of failsafe or trackers although if that was the case, they would have activated them by now. «
»When can I talk to him? «, Steve asked almost desperately.
»Give him time, Steve. He is extremely confused and he’s hurting. He said he remembers you but we should see how much he actually remembers before we draw any conclusions. «, there was a finality to Bruce’s words that told Steve it was useless to argue so he just gave a sharp nod and turned back to the screen where Bucky was now scribbling into the notebook, long hair falling into his face. He was still beautiful.
Tony knew he was being inappropriate but come on that arm is some really sweet piece of tech. He was dying to get his fingers on it, have a good close look because say what you will, but HYDRA definitely knew what they were doing. It made Tony feel itchy and a bit disappointed that he hadn’t come up with something like this first but whatever…you couldn’t have everything.
For days they all watched Barnes in his room (Steve had forbidden them to call it a cell), writing down his memories, barely sleeping and forcing down the occasional meal. The first time they had watched him throw up a perfectly fine burger, it had taken three people to keep Steve from storming in there, while Bruce checked on his patient. As it turned out, nourishment wasn’t exactly on the list of things the Soldier had needed. Neither was sleep. Whenever he did fall asleep it usually only took a few hours until he woke up again, screaming and sobbing, wild eyes scanning his surroundings for any kind of threat. Tony hated to admit it but watching Barnes like this, it hurt. Although, he guessed, that it didn’t hurt him nearly as much as it hurt Steve. The Captain hadn’t left the records room once, day and night he stayed exactly where he was, sitting in a very hard, very uncomfortable chair, eyes fixed on the monitor. It was more than unhealthy if Tony could say so himself. It was miserable to watch and Tony was just about done.
It was watching the daily drama that was Captain America pining after his metal friend and a combination of good whisky and no sleep, that Tony eventually came up with B.A.R.F. It was a prototype, sure, but then again so had his suit been once upon a time so he wasn’t really worried, he just hoped that it would also work on brainwashed, enhanced, HYDRA ex – assassins with more issues than China had citizens. It was worth a try.
»You are not trying that thing on Bucky! «, Steve called out after Tony had introduced his newest invention. Sam couldn’t really blame him; even though he had only just met the billionaire, he could already tell that Tony Stark wasn’t one for health and safety and a pair of glasses that could rewrite your memories? That sounded exactly like something that was very far from healthy or safe.
»Come on, Cap, you haven’t even seen what it can do! «
»I don’t need to see what it can do! You are not giving that to Bucky. Don’t you think he’s had enough tempering with his mind? «, there was that too, of course. Sam could see how this B.A.R.F. thing might become an issue
.»Ah but see, there’s the difference! «, Tony pointed out, »What HYDRA did was memory suppression. B.A.R.F. only does what you want it to do and if you don’t want to do anything that’s fine too. You chose the memory you revisit and you chose the things you want to change and it’s not like you actually change your memory…you just experience it in a new way that is less traumatic. Besides, seeing some of his memories might trigger new ones. «.
Stave was silent for a long moment, his eyes darting from Tony to the screen where they could currently see Bucky lying on his back and staring at the ceiling and eventually settling on Sam.
»Don’t look at me, «, he quickly said, »I’m still new to all of this although if you were asking me, purely hypothetically, I’d say, maybe let him decide? «, he pointed at the screen, while looking at Steve who turned back to Tony, »Are you sure it’s safe? «
»As safe it can be. «, Tony replied with a wide grin, obviously sensing victory. »You can try it if you want. «
Steve took a deep breath, his eyes closed, like he was trying to collect himself, »I’m gonna talk to him. «, he announced and then he was out of the door and in the elevator.
Steven Grand Rogers
Stevie
Bucky ?
Brooklyn
Sarah ?
Burgers and milkshakes
Bloody knuckles and bruises
Punk
Jerk
Commandos
War
Italy
A train
Cold
Falling
I’m with you till the end of the line.
James heard the elevator move long before the sound of the doors sliding open and frowned; it was outside of their schedule and Banner had always stuck to that so far. As soon as he heard the steps though he knew that it wasn’t the doctor.
»Hey Steve. «, he muttered without looking at the blonde.
»Hey. «, Steve’s voice sounded strangled. Filled with emotions that James couldn’t name. »How are you feeling? «
»Like some rare animal in the fucking zoo. «, James answered and Steve chuckled. It was a nice sound. »Sorry about that. «
»Not your fault. «, he might not remember everything but he was pretty sure that Steve was already doing more than he deserved.
»Listen…«, the blonde started, now sounding slightly nervous and James sat up to look at him. »Tony has an idea how to help you with your memories. It’s – uhm – it’s called B.A.R.F. and basically you can reexperience your memories with it and…change them…in a way…if you want. «, Steve stumbled over the words, »I know what it sounds like, «, he quickly added, »But I trust Tony and he would never intentionally create something that could harm you but…it’s your choice. «
James considered the other man for a moment, taking in his appearance. There were dark circles under his eyes and his skin was ashen. He looked like a man that hadn’t slept in days. James reached for the notebook Banner had given him, filled with fragments of memories, names and feelings and held it out to Steve who took it with a light frown, »Whatever it takes to get them back. «
It took Steve a moment to realize where he was.
Dark clouds were hanging low in a grey sky, dead leaves covered the hard ground and he was surrounded by gravestones.
Mum’s funeral.
He wasn’t sure when he had made the decision to go back to that particular memory but it also didn’t really matter because here he was and like every time he thought back to his ma, Steve could feel a lump building in his throat.
Sarah Rogers1900 – 1936
Loving daughter, wife and mother
Steve watched himself, his small self, as he stood in front of the freshly dug grave. It was a strange sight. Steve had nearly forgotten how he had looked like, how small he had actually been. He looked so fragile while he practically drowned in his clothes that were easily four sizes too big. Steve couldn’t see his face but he still remembered how he had felt; empty and alone.
»I’m sorry, mum. «, his past – self whispered. Back then he hadn’t had the words to express what he had wanted to say but now…now he did. »I’m sorry for always getting into trouble and making you worry. I’m sorry that I couldn’t help you, make you better. I love you, mum. And I miss you. I really do. «
A hand landed on his shoulder and Steve saw Bucky, his Bucky, dressed in a nice suit, hair slicked back neatly, standing behind scrawny little Stevie while he pulled him in for a tight hug and Steve let him. The scene faded with little Steve standing in Bucky’s arms, his head tucked under Bucky’s chin and he, Steve as he was now, could feel hot tears rolling down his cheeks. Even after all this time, his mother’s death was still something he wasn’t completely over.
Everyone knew that Steve Rogers used to be little but no one ever stopped to think how little he had been. Now that Tony had seen it with his own two eyes…well it was something else, alright. The whole team was there, watching Steve through the glass panel while the memory faded and Tony was pretty sure that those were tears on the Captain’s face but he sure wasn’t going to mention it.
»I remember that. «, Tony’s head whipped around towards Barnes who stared at Steve with wide eyes, »After we got home, the landlord told us we’d have to leave ‘cause we were late with the rent and the bills. Gave Steve an asthma attack. «.
There was something strange about hearing him talk about the past like it was yesterday, or maybe that was because Steve had never talked about it. Up until now, Tony hadn’t even known Steve had been so young when his mum had died. Now that he thought about it, he didn’t really know anything about Steve.
The Captain stepped out of the B.A.R.F. room, his face a perfect mask of neutrality, while Barnes went inside. Tony could see the nervousness in the brunette and he started to feel a bit sorry for the man.
»Alright now, you just try to find a memory, any memory, and if it’s just bits and pieces, and you concentrate on that. The headset’s going to project the image onto the room. If you wanna stop, just think of something else or take off the headset. «, he instructed the ex – assassin who nodded even though he eyed the piece of technology with a certain amount of mistrust.
»Buck, are you sure you wanna do this with us here? «, Steve quickly cut in before Barnes could do anything else and the brunette turned around, his face serious, »Something might happen. I don’t wanna hurt anyone else and…no offence but…we both know you wouldn’t really stop me if I did. «.
Tony frowned, not quite understanding what that meant but Steve seemed to understand perfectly, at least judging by the deep blush and weak nod he gave. Barnes sat down on the chair in the middle of the room, put on the head set, closed his eyes and then the room began to change…