Blue balls, bets, and somewhere fate is high on crack
Thanos had the time stone in exchange for Tony’s life. Tony had tried his hardest to win and only managed a single cut. With the time stone Thanos would go to earth and destroy their forces. With knowing that the first thought in his head shouldn’t be a bet he had with Rhodey, it shouldn’t have even crossed his mind. It was so ridiculous and the fate of earth was hanging in the balance, but then again he’d tried fighting and failed. What harm could it do when he could do nothing else?
“Thanos.” He called out to the titan knowing his armor was trashed beyond use now so he allowed what was left of it to return to where he kept it.
The giant purple alien turned to look at him seeming unconcerned with his victory practically guaranteed at this point. Tony knew it, Thanos knew it, hell Jon Snow probably knew and he knew nothing.
“Are you going to attempt to bargain for your world?”
Tony smirked causing Thanos to look slightly confused.
“Nope, I mean let’s face it. You’ve won, can’t do shit about it. I’m sure you’re victory can wait an hour or so. Want to be a good sport and maybe help me with keeping my end of a deal with my brother? I mean a being like you having lived as long as you have probably still have family, maybe some children or something. You know how important family is. Don’t make me go back on my end of my deal with my brother.”
The guy survived the destruction of his world after having enough time to see it’s end coming and try to prevent it. The guy was probably older than Thor and Loki combined and those guys were gods. The guy was probably old as shit and seeing as he seemed to have an obsession with collecting the infinity stones and giving his so called mercy to the universe, he might just win this bet. Oh how he’d love to see the look on Rhodey’s face when he won.
“What would such a task require of me?”
“Not much actually. Basically what’s needed is me stripping for you. You’ve already shown you can make things with that fancy gauntlet of yours so all I ask is for a stripper pole, some music, and you make yourself comfortable and enjoy.” He winked at Thanos looking as flirty as he possibly could.
Thanos was taken aback by this and the guardians were staring at him like he was a mad man. Peter was hiding behind Strange not needing to see whatever the hell his mentor and father figure was doing. Clearly Thanos had no idea what was going on but he summoned both the things asked of him as well as a large comfortable looking chair that could be mistaken for a throne.
The guardians just watched speechless as Tony grabbed the pole and expertly began moving along to the beat. His clothing was taken off slowly and expertly so it looked flawless and kept his audition’s attention. The moment he’d made this bet with Rhodey he’d hired someone to give him lessons and he enjoyed every second of them. As he span around on the pole he noticed Thanos was enjoying the end result of his lessons to. The titan was probably just now realizing just how long his dry spell had been going on with his obsession with ‘saving’ the universe. Oh Rhodey would regret the day he’d bet Tony couldn’t save the day with stripping. It wasn’t Tony’s fault he’d rescued himself with only a gauntlet and a boot of his armor after being tied to a bed. Rhodey was just super jealous and should just accept Tony would always be way more awesome than him. He’d already spent weeks calling bullshit on how he’d gotten into the Mandrian’s base. For whatever reason Rhodey just didn’t believe Tony could do the same sneaky ninja shit Natasha did. Seeing as Natasha was a criminal right now Tony would like to point out she’s not the greatest example of ninja shit. If she was she wouldn’t have been found out so suck on that Rhodey. Well Rhodey likely wasn’t going to get the chance because Thanos looked about ready to lock Tony up and never let anyone else within hearing distance of him much less touching. He could work with that if it meant he didn’t lose this bet. He’d sucked dick for lesser rewards and he really hated losing bets to Rhodey.
“I wish to keep you.” Thanos breathed out a visible tent in his pants when Tony finished.
“Well I’m willing to be kept by you handsome but I have some conditions.” He said with a flirty smirk at the mad titan.
“Name them.”
“First of all, I want you return those you killed. So you know that Gamora chick and Thor’s people. Hell return Asgard into existence and I’ll add the bonus of all the sexual favors you could ever want.”
Thanos opened his mouth to argue but Tony closed the short distance between the throne and pole.
“No arguing Thanos baby. Look, you want to show the universe mercy fine but let’s do it my way so everyone’s happy, no one wants to try and murder you, and you can get you giant purple dick inside me like yesterday.”
Somewhere Quill was throwing up, Drax had passed out with a bloody nose, and Peter was crying about how his father figure had been ruined by a giant evil shriveled grape.
“How would you show mercy?”
Tony smirked and leaned close to whisper in Thanos’s ear. The titan agreed as he grabbed the almost completely naked Tony Stark and went to earth. Once they were gone Strange sighed.
“This was the only future we won in, who knew it all rested on the shoulders of a man who made ridiculous bets with his best friend.”
No one said anything. Drax was still unconscious; Mantis’s virgin eyes had seen too much, Peter wished he’d stayed on the bus, Nebula didn’t care because not long after Gamora was returned to her side, and Thor was crying loudly over the return of his brother. Loki was busy stabbing him but Thor was used to it and ignored Loki as he told him to leave him alone and go focus on their people that had been returned and were waiting for their king on the newly restored Asgard. The avengers were just confused and Steve was trying to find some brain bleach to erase the image of a nearly naked Tony Stark from his mind while also trying to remove the words ‘I want to suck your giant purple dick’ from his mind forever. Bucky would have comforted his friend but he was busy hunting down a talking raccoon that stole his arm and was attempting to sell it back to Wakanda.