Peter is confusion

So you’ve got detention” Peter mumbled in awe of the in front of him. The man sat exactly like how he did in the PSAs, and Peter couldn’t help himself from quoting the living legend.

“Christ, how old are you?” The soldier asked, concerned.

He was concerned for Peter Parker. Peter Parker the Star Wars loving dumpster diver. What is life?

He realized that talking about the PSAs kind of gave away the whole ‘I’m actually a nerdy teenager who does normal teenagery teenage things with other teenagers’ thing.

He cleared his throat. “Yeah umm when I was in school I watched your-“ he put extreme emphasis on was. Nice work Parker. His lie was actually going well until he was interrupted by the living legend.

He was shushed. Captain America shushed him. He wasn’t really sure what he did to deserve this life but he was living for it. This was the best day ever. Of course, he was forgetting the whole ‘being kidnapped’ thing. Pfft details.

The Captain leaned in close. Peter didn’t flinch because 1, his spider sense didn’t say anything, and 2, because even if this incredible human drugged him and kidnapped him, he was still an icon. And Peter refused to believe that Mr America would hurt him.

“Please don’t mention the PSAs” He whispered, practically begging. Who is this man and where did Steve Rodgers go?

Peter sat back in his chair and thought about all the answers he could give to this very easy question.

The right thing to here would be to say yes. The right thing to do here was also to try and contact his aunt.

Peter crossed his arms over his chest and tried his best one of MJ’s ‘I’m chill but also examining every movement you make’ pose and said something that he had no doubt he’d regret in the future.

“Only if you do something for me” he whispered back hoping that his tough guy look was convincing.

That’s how he ended up holding the Captain America’s phone in his hand as realized that he forgot his Aunt’s number.

After getting shot, stabbed and just beaten up again and again, Ned made him promise that he’d call him if he needed help. Peter sighed. How he was supposed to keep a secret identity with Ned on the phone, he had no idea.

As part of the deal, he had to put the phone on speaker. He let the Captain know that he’d regret that decision.

As soon as the phone was answered, Peter frantically said “Guy in the chair, 1,4,5”

“Parker” Ned Leeds practically growled. “Oh shit, 5? Who? Spider-man definitely not Parker. I don’t even know anyone who’s name is Parker. Parker? What a weird name. I don’t even think that the name even exists let alo-“

“They already know my name is Parker.”

He heard Ned let out a sigh of relief through the speakers.

Sometimes Peter wondered how Ned hadn’t broadcasted his secret identity to the world yet.

After MJ told them that the government could listen to all of their calls, Ned and Peter made a series of code words to keep his identity a secret over the phone. It had nothing to do with it sounding really cool. Nope.

1= In trouble.
2= If May calls I’m at your house.
3= Can’t come over because of Spider-man duties.
4= Don’t say my name
5= Bad Guy is listening
6= In a car chase
7= Aliens are probing me
8= I am in Asgard
9= Zombie Apocalypse

The last few were never used. Peter and Ned still put them in. Let them dream.

“You won’t believe me” he said excitedly.

“You’re not going to leave me in suspense. I refuse to believe that you’d do that.”

Now, Peter didn’t want to let his inner fanboy come out in front of Steve Rodgers. He really didn’t. But this was beyond his control.

“Captain America!” He whispered in awe, almost not believing himself.

“If you ever end up in a parallel universe where I actually believe you, tell me that I’m an idiot.”

“Dude? He’s like right here and I think he might be giving you the face.”

“No he’s not. That’s not fair! You can’t do that over the phone! W-wait y-you’re Captain America! You can do whatever the fu- the frick you want. Huh, I can’t curse around you, sir, forgot. Please don’t give me the face. I can feel it through the phone.”

The face as he and Ned dubbed it, was the Captain America Disappointed face. Peter had gotten it numerous times without ever meeting the man. Technology was scary like that.

Not that he was proud of it, but he and Ned had a score sheet for how many times they’d gotten the face. Peter had gotten the most by far in detention because of all of his excursions as Spider-man but sometimes the Guy In The Chair had to get in trouble too.

Peter let out a laugh of victory. “He is definitely giving you the face right now.” He proceeds to announce the scores over the shouts of protest from his friend about how if he can’t see it, it isn’t real.

“Spider-man 23, Guy In The Chair 5” he practically sang in happiness before remembering who he was in front of. He cleared his throat. “Guy In The Chair, I want you to tell that I’m alive-“

“I thought as much” the unimpressed boy said.

“And I want you to tell someone else that I’m alive too” He continued hoping Ned would understand.

“Yeah of course! But what do I tell them? You know that I can’t lie.”

“Just say that I’m at your place.”

“For a week?!” He shrieks in disbelief. “There’s no way in hell that that’s gonna work.”

All of the ideas Peter came up with were quickly rejected.

“I joined the circus?” “No.” “I joined a gang?” “Nope.” “I am dead.” “NO!”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say” Peter whined as he placed his head on the table and banged it. Twice.

“Just come over to my place and we can figure it out from there.” Ned soothed unaware that he wasn’t allowed to leave.

“I-I can’t leave, N- Guy In The Chair,” his head was so muddled up with thoughts, he almost gave his friend’s name away. Almost.

This confused Ned a lot. Why is everyone so confused all the time? Why can’t everyone just know everything. Oh wait, secret identity and that. Scratch that, keep being confused, world.

“Captain America is in the room with you. He’s rescuing you, don’t worry about it.”

Peter shook his head and looked to said man. He looked guilty. Like really guilty. He was squirming in his seat uncomfortably and he had a permanent frown stuck on his face. Peter didn’t want to make him feel more guilty. Sometimes we can’t get what we want.

“Captain America is the bad guy” he hissed through the phone but there was no doubt that the Captain heard him. “So are the other Avengers.”

He could hear Ned’s disbelief through the phone before he started talking.

“Dude, they are like known globally for being the opposite.”

“Yeah, well tell that to the restraints on my hands and the interrogation room” Peter scoffed.

“Interrogation? They’re interrogating you? Two can play that game. Hey Mr Captain America sir? Welcome to your interrogation.”

Peter groaned and passed the phone over to the Captain. He banged his head against the table a few more times before sitting back and listening to his friend mess with the actual icon.

This would be the time where the Captain regrets letting him have the phone on speaker.

To say that Peter was shocked was an understatement. Ned wasn’t showing the slightest bit of nervousness during his ‘interrogation’ as Peter thought he would have. He either forgot who this man was or the adrenaline was kicking in. Either way, this was going to be one funny story to torment him with for the rest of his life.

“So Mr Captain America sir-“ Peter was glad that Ned still remembered to be polite during his rant. “-would you call yourself a good man?”

The soldier was clearly startled by the question, but quickly switched back to the controlled manner he came in with. “I believe that I fight for what is right, which is a good quality to have.”

“Huh” Ned pretended to be pondering that sentence. “So you and Spider-man are the same?”

If possible, Steve looked even more uncomfortable than before.“Yes I believe that he is a good man.”

Peter stared at him incredulously. Was he being interrogated for being too good? Did they think he was going to replace him? No that didn’t sound right. Peter suspected that he was stronger than Captain America but he wasn’t able to give or take commands. He was more of a wing it and stay alive kind of guy.

“So if Spider-man somehow I don’t know, let me freak the fu- frick, actually, you Captain America sir, get a fuck. Now as I was saying, if he let me freak the FUCK out for an entire week of school and I find out that someone-“

Peter decided that he loved the man across from him when the man decided to interrupt Ned’s angry speech. As good as the blackmail was, he was getting into making Peter feel very guilty.

Until the man decided he was Shane Dawson and started up his own conspiracy.

“You’re still in high school. And you’re a friend of Spider-man?”

Too bad that Ned wasn’t as good at making angry speeches as he was at lying.

“No. He’s my dad!” The voice blurred out.

Peter couldn’t help himself from bursting out laughing. It’s not like it mattered though, the Captain’s disbelieving face proved that Peter hadn’t given away the lie.

“I’m not Darth Vader, little bro” Peter commented once he composed himself. “But hey, nice try.” He hoped that his lie sounded casual.

“Thanks.” He said dripping in sarcasm.

“You’re brothers” the Captain stated instead of questioned.

“Yep” The voice said popping the ‘p’. Peter could hear his annoyance at being demoted from being his friend to his little brother. Still, it was better than being his son.

“Well it’s been great talking to you, bro. Remember those Spanish notes you kept doing wrong? Remember to show them to me to make sure that you did them right once I get out of here.”

Peter hoped that Ned could see the hidden message. ‘Can I have your Spanish notes?’

Clearly he did. “Sure, big bro.”

Peter could almost hear the pain in Ned’s voice after saying that. Yeah, Peter would never let him live this down.

“Oh and one more thing. He gave you the face again.”

The voice gasped. “No, no he didn’t.”

“23 - 6” Peter announced before hanging up the phone. He sighed out in relief. He was incredibly glad that Ned always used his surname when he was mad. He didn’t need the Avengers knowing that he was only 15.

Steve shook his head and sighed but a small smile was visable on his face. “Shall we continue?”

—————————————————————————

If it were possible, the team were even more lost as to who this guy was. He was so damn mysterious.

One thing they did enjoy however, was Tony’s ego delfating ever so slightly every hour.

Looking at the scene before them, they couldn’t help but smile. However funny it may be, Steve wasn’t getting anywhere. They decided to let the two people in the room who had yet to meet the man go into the room.

Shuri made popcorn and they settled down on their beanbags. This was going to be fun.