hold me up
“What are you waiting for?” Peter asked, his voice loud. Out of habit, Tony shushed him and Peter rolled his eyes. “It’s not like she can hear me.”
“I-- you were there. You heard us argue. I was an asshole.” He ran a hand through his hair. “She probably even doesn’t want to see me.”
“You were drunk,” Peter said, his voice softening. “She knows you didn’t mean it. She knows you’re going through a hard time.”
“She told Rhodey I was crazy-- and he believed her.” Tony had wanted to just sleep in Peter’s room, but the kid refused to let Tony avoid this. “You’re here and I’m not going to let her think I’m crazy too.”
“We both know you’re not. I am here. But, just...apologize. When you figure this out, she’ll see that you were right and then it’ll all work out. But, if you push her away now, it’ll just be a huge mess.”
Tony knew Peter was right. He had to patch things up with Pepper. She was his fiance, the love of his life. She had been there for him from the very start and he didn’t blame her for getting frustrated. He had put her through so much shit.
So, he took a deep breath and knocked on the door softly before opening the door. He saw Pepper sitting up in bed, reading through a magazine. He tapped on the door softly to let Peter know she was decent enough to follow inside. Peter offered to just sit outside the door, but Tony refused to let that happen. He didn’t care if Peter insisted he didn’t need sleep, he was going to at least be comfortable for the hours when Tony was asleep.
“And here I thought you forgot that room outside of your lab didn’t exist,” she said after glancing up at him briefly before turning back to her magazine.
Tony winced. “I came up here to apologize. I acted like an idiot while you were only trying to help me.”
Pepper set the magazine on the table next to her. “Rhodey talked to you.”
Tony nodded his head, walking over to the bed. “He did. Suggested a therapist. Made me an appointment.”
“Are you going?” Pepper asked, hesitantly.
“Yes. Peter said he wanted me to go. Said I needed to talk to someone about what happened.”
“Peter told you to go,” Pepper said, pursing her lips.
“Please don’t give me the speech on how crazy I am for being able to see him. I just got that from Rhodey and it’s exhausting. Just understand that I can see him. I’m not imagining him and he’s actually there. I’m gonna figure it all out. Maybe call Bruce-- I don’t know. But I’ll figure it out. I promise.”
Pepper bit her lip, looking like she wanted to argue with him. But she didn’t. Whether she was tired of arguing or she felt bad for Tony getting all of this shit (when he wasn’t even crazy), she didn’t argue the point. “You can see him now?”
Tony nodded his head, getting hopeful that just maybe she believed him. “He’s been here the whole time, but I just didn’t know. He didn’t appear until the night we argued. I was upset when you left and I think maybe he fed off of my emotions and was able to make himself visible to me.”
She looked around the room. “Is he here now?”
Tony could see Peter walking closer to their bed through the corner of his eyes. “Yeah. he’s here. He is somehow chained to me and if I go too far from him, he disappears back into the dark.”
Pepper didn’t ask any questions and that was how Tony knew she didn’t believe him. She would have been asking so many more questions, trying to understand it all. But she wasn’t. She was trying to play into it all until the therapist made him realize he was wrong. Tony tried not to feel angry.
“Talk about something else,” Peter said, pulling on his suit. Tony knew he was probably missing actual sleeves to anxiously tug on, but his gloves made it impossible to really fidget with his clothes. “I don’t want to make things awkward. I’ll just lay down on the floor, I won’t even see you guys.”
As he was speaking, Pepper started speaking as well and Peter looked even more anxious. “Why don’t you lay down and get some sleep for tomorrow? You need a good rest.”
Tony nodded at her before grabbing his pillow off the bed and grabbing a throw blanket off the bottom of the bed. He laid them both on the couch across the room. “Lay here, buddy. It’s comfier than the floor.”
“I can’t feel the pillow or even lift the blanket above me,” Peter pointed out as he walked over, taking a seat.
“I know, but I can’t let you just sleep here without anything.”
“I don’t want to bother you two,” he said, glancing behind Tony to stare at Pepper. She was probably looking at them like Tony was insane.
“You’re not bothering us. Please try to get some sleep.”
“Okay, Mr. Stark,” Peter said quietly before laying down and curling on his side, his back to their bed.
Tony wanted to badly to lift the blanket over him and ruffle his curls before climbing into his bed, but he knew it would do nothing. Not until they figured out how to get Peter back. Until then, he was left with no comfort.
He slipped into bed without saying another word to Pepper about Peter. He heard her sigh as he pulled the blanket around himself. “Goodnight,” she whispered, pressing a kiss to his cheek.
“Goodnight,” he said back, despite knowing it was not going to be a good night. Not when his family thought he was losing his mind and he got himself roped into a therapy appointment tomorrow and he still had no idea what he needed to do to bring back Peter.
---
“I'm glad you could join me today, Mr. Stark.”
Tony winced. “Tony. Call me Tony, please.”
“Alright, Tony,” the therapist agreed and it almost made Tony want to laugh thinking about how Peter never called him Tony despite spending months insisting he did. “You can call me Karen then.”
“Hey,” Peter said, turning around to face them from the wall he was staring at. “I have a Karen too!”
Tony smiled at the comment. He wondered if he had the mask on if he would be able to talk to Karen. Probably not. He'd have to ask if Peter tried to use the suit since he got stuck like this. But the question would have to wait until after the appointment; they both decided it would be a better idea to not mention the fact that Tony could see and talk to Peter.
“I'm glad we're smiling. I was told you weren't too happy to come today.” She said, pulling a pen out from the binding of her notebook.
The smile disappeared off his face as he focused on her again. “What? You expect me to be happy with my best friend going behind my back to make me a therapy appointment?”
“I'd be happy to have a friend like that.”
Tony scoffed and crossed his arms over his chest. He turned his head to stare at Peter as he inspected all of the doctor's framed PhDs on the wall.
“There is no shame in going to therapy. You know, 86% of the world sought out professional help after everything happened.”
7.4 billion people snapped in half to 3.7 billion. 86% of that was 3.18. There was supposed to be more people. “Good for them.”
“You were one of the few that opted out. Not even one session. And it's not like you were spared from loss like some people.”
Could they be considered lucky enough to not lose anyone in the snap if they didn't have anyone to lose in the first place?
“Why do you care?” Tony huffed, hating this already.
Peter peered over his shoulder, his eyes full of concern for Tony. “If you don't talk to her, she can't help.” Tony bit his tongue to refrain from commenting back to him.
“I care because you need help,” she said carefully. “Colonel Rhodes expressed to me that he was worried about how poorly you are still handling the snap.”
Tony narrowed his eyes at her. “Did he tell you how crazy I am?”
“He did not call you crazy and I don't believe he thinks that. He wants you to have peace again. He wants you to be healthy.”
“I stopped drinking. I'm gonna start sleeping again. I'm fine.” Tony insisted, squeezing his hand into a fist.
“Yeah,” Peter scoffed as he came walking over. “Only because I made you.”
Karen spoke over Peter, unaware. “And that is a good start, but I think we should start focusing on the root of what is really bothering you.” She paused. “Who did you lose?”
Right as she said this, Peter plopped on the floor, crossing his legs. Tony stared at him. The hero that gave his life while fighting a fucking Titan. And no one knew. No one knew Peter Parker. They couldn't understand just what Thanos ripped away from this world.
Karen sighed. “You can't keep this bottled in. If you don't face it, it holds you back. It hurts you. How do you expect to move on when--.”
Tony snapped his head back to her and repeated, “Move on? Just forget about him? Act like he never existed?”
“That's not what moving on is. Moving on is continuing to live. For him. He wouldn't want you to do this. If he could see you now, do you think he'd like what you're doing to yourself? Because of him?”
“No, he wouldn't,” Pete grumbled, looking down at his lap, tugging on his suit again. “He wouldn't want you to suffer because of him.”
“It's not his fault,” Tony snapped at her, so he could try and calm Peter without giving themselves away.
“But would he want you to be hurting yourself like this?” She asked again.
“No. Okay? No, he wouldn't.” But it wasn't that easy.
“So, why are you doing this? Why are you stopping yourself from getting help?” She probed, pen raised and ready for notes.
Tony twitched, breathing heavy. He just wanted to get out of here. “Because I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to live on this earth happy and carefree when that kid lost everything.”
“Mr. Stark…” Peter whispered, looking up at him. Tony avoided his gaze at all costs.
“He was a child,” she clarified, her voice softening.
Tony squeezed his eyes shut. “Yes. He was a child. He had so much life left and it's-- three years. Gone.” Because Peter wasn't going to miss out on anymore. They were bringing him back.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” she said genuinely.
Tony huffed. Like that made any difference. Everyone was always sorry. It did nothing. “So am I.”
“You are a very strong man,” she said. “To go through that and keep living. It requires the toughest of souls.”
Tony leaned back in his chair, groaning. “Listen, Doc, I gotta call bullshit on that one. Look at me. I'm a fucking mess. I probably would have fucking offed myself if I was strong enough. But, I didn't.”
“I'm glad you didn't.”
The lights flickered and Tony's eyes shot to where Peter was staring up at him with wide eyes. He looked away immediately. “This is a waste of time.”
“What else do you have to do right now, Mr. Stark?” She asked, scribbling something on her notepad. “Your fiance is running your company now, so I don't think you have any important work matters. Not in the last three years.”
Tony narrowed his eyes, refusing to rise to the bait. Peter spoke up softly, sniffling, voicing Tony's thoughts. “She's trying to get you to crack. Angry enough to snap. They did it to me after Ben. I think you should talk-- it helps. And she won't stop until you do. I mean, you could sit there for the rest of the session, but it's better to talk. Trust me.”
All while Peter was speaking to him, Karen continued on trying to get him pissed. He had two people speaking to him at once and it was making his headache a thousand times worse. He just wanted peace and quiet. “Shut up!” He snapped, covering his ears.
Karen silenced but didn't look offended by his harsh words. Peter hunched his shoulders, looking guilty.
Tony took a steadying breath. “You all act like I'm crazy. Like I've lost it. But, you're surprised that I broke or that I'm weak. I know I’m pathetic. But what the fuck did everyone expect?” He lowered his voice and said, “My kid died in my arms.”
Karen didn't say anything.
“Sure, other parents lost their kids. But not like I did.” He felt his voice breaking as he said, “Nobody knows what I went through.”
“So tell me.”
Tony paused, debating if he actually wanted to. “He's not my actual kid, but just imagine this-- imagine this person coming into your life and you don't ever expect anything from it.” He closed his eyes, thinking back to first meeting the kid and wishing he could rewind. “And he holds on so tightly. He holds on tighter than anyone ever has before and you don't even care. In fact, you start to enjoy it. Like this new leech is the best thing that's ever happened and when he's not there, you wish he was.”
“You love him,” she said softly.
Tony's eyes snapped open. “What? No.”
Karen rolled her eyes. “Don't play this game. It's only us here. It's okay to admit you love him.” She paused. “You know what love is. There are many different kinds of love. Romantic, platonic, familial.”
Tony always knew he loved Peter. He tried to ignore it. But he always knew it was there.
“It hurts so much because you love him,” she said in a whisper. “And you never got to tell him.”
“Yeah, well…” Tony trailed off with a shrug of his shoulders, unsure of what else to say.
“So tell him.”
“What?” Tony said in a slight panic. Did see know Peter was sitting there with them?
“Turn and face the other side of the couch. Pretend like he's sitting next to you, listening. Tell him what you never got the chance to say.”
Peter stood up, a small smile on his face as he hurried over and took a seat where Karen was gesturing to. “Yeah, Mr. Stark. Tell me.”
Tony was grateful that at least he was joking around. He seemed close to breaking down in tears only moments ago. He rolled his eyes, turning to face Peter. “I’m proud of you,” he said in a low voice.
Peter faltered like he wasn’t expecting Tony to take this seriously. “Mr. Stark--.”
“I’m proud of you,” Tony said again so Peter would just listen for once. “And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for dragging you into this shit. I’m sorry for ignoring you at first before I got to know you. I’m sorry.”
Peter shook his head. “No. Don’t apologize, Mr. Stark. You don’t need to--.”
Tony took a deep breath. “I love you, kid. I love you so much and-- I’m sorry that I never told you.” He didn’t realize he was holding back tears until he noticed the two matching tracks of tears on Peter’s cheeks. The kid wiped his face, sniffling softly.
Karen spoke again as Peter was whispering his, “I love you,” back. Tony could just barely hear it over her. “See...don't you feel better? Even just a bit?”
Tony didn't look away from Peter as he answered, “Yeah...it kinda does.”
---
The room was quiet. They hadn't spoken since they got out of Karen’s office and went back to the lab. Tony was trying to ignore everything as he tinkered with something random on his desk. He knew Peter was sitting on the floor by the corner as DUM-E rolled around him. He was staring down at the monkey Tony had kept on the couch for him. Tony knew he was thinking; he wanted to say something.
After a few minutes, Tony heard him clear his throat. “I'm proud of you too.”
Tony paused his work but didn't turn around. “You're proud of me?”
“Yes. For going to the appointment and talking with her. I know how hard it can be.” He sounded anxious and Tony remembered Peter mentioning seeing a therapist after Ben’s death.
“It's easier to deal with now that I know you’re okay,” he admitted. “No need to drink myself into a stupor anymore.”
He laughed, but Peter didn't find his joke funny. “Stop it,” he practically snapped.
“Stop what?” Tony frowned, still staring down at his workbench.
“Joking about the drinking and, and nearly killing yourself. It's not funny. I don't find it funny.”
“Sorry, kiddo, I won’t--.”
“Turn around.”
Tony refused to.
Peter walked over and stood in front of him. “Look up at me. Please.”
Tony couldn't ignore him. Not after not being able to see him for so long, how could he not look at him now that he was finally back? He lifted his head and wasn't surprised to see the kid’s eyes welling with tears. Ghost Peter was much more emotional than Real Peter.
“I know it's all a joke to you-- that's how you cope, but for once...try to deal with it in a more healthy way. In a way that doesn't make light of how you mourned and what you did.”
“Kid,” Tony sighed, “I'm fine now. You don't have to worry about me going back to drinking. I promised you, didn't I?” He knew it was easier said than done and his body still craved the alcohol to numb it all, but he thought of Peter and that helped him stay clean. Just barely.
“But what about me? What if I'm not fine?” He asked, his voice cracking. “I had to watch Ben die. He bled out in my arms. I was there. I was there for his last words, his last breath, his last everything. And I could do nothing to save him. I could only watch.”
Tony straightened up and listened intently. He'd heard the story from May and he learned about it from news reports of that day. But he never heard about it from Peter. Whenever he spoke of Ben, it was only the good memories.
“And when you started drinking-- it was Ben all over again. I could only sit there and watch as you slowly killed yourself. It didn't matter how much I begged or cried or pleaded. You didn’t hear me and it was terrifying. Every time you passed out drunk, I had no idea if you were ever going to open your eyes again. Do you know how terrifying that is?” The tears were streaming down his cheeks again and Tony desperately wanted to wipe them away.
“Pete-- I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were there. I wish I could take it all back. I would. If I could, I would do it in a heartbeat.” He reached out a hand to Peter, even though he knew it could offer no comfort.
“I know you didn't. I know,” he said. “But...now you do. So, please, don't make jokes. Not about this. You went through a lot and I'm not blaming you for how you reacted-- I know how bad I was after I lost Ben. I'm just asking you to let yourself get better. You deserve it.”
“I'm trying,” Tony said honestly. “I’m trying, kiddo.”
“And that's why I'm proud of you,” he whispered. “You're really strong. That's something to be proud of.”
Tony hesitated, wondering if it was a good time to crack open the case of Ben. This was the first time Peter had mentioned him in reference to him mourning and a curious part of Tony wanted to know how Peter dealt with it. “You've got a lot to be proud of too. You dealt with Ben. I'm proud of you for that. It's not easy for a child to lose their parent.” Parents. God, Peter lost three parents.
Peter looked down, scrunching his face up in thought. “It wasn't easy. I only… I was only so upset at you because I know how it felt. I was angry. I was snapping at May and I didn't want to deal with it all. She sent me to therapy and I didn't speak.”
“I'm glad you decided to talk and to let it out.”
Peter shrugged his shoulders. “You have Ned to thank for that. I was being such an ass, but he never gave up on me. In fact, while you're at it, thank him for keeping me alive too. Because if it weren't for him and May, I wouldn't be here today.”
Tony took a moment to let the weight of that confession sink in. “I don't think I've ever been more thankful for anyone in the world.”
Peter nodded like he understood, but Tony knew he couldn’t understand just how thankful he was for those two. Life without Peter Parker was unimaginable-- he’d tried for three years and look where it left him. “I’m here,” he said quietly. “Just like they were for me, I’m here for you. You don’t have to do this alone. Even if right now, it feels that way since I can’t even be seen by anyone other than you.”
Tony chuckled. “Yeah, that’s a slight bump in the road, but we’re gonna figure it out. You’re still here, so there’s a way to get you back. I know it.” He hesitated. “Maybe the others would be able to help.” He hadn’t spoken to the remaining Avengers in years, even before the battle against Thanos. They’d tried to get in touch with him when they continued their crusade, but Tony wanted nothing to do with it.
“Maybe they can help,” Peter agreed. “I know it’s been a while and last time you even talked to Steve, you screamed at him and told him to never see you again, but it’ll be okay. He still wants to help. And they’re still trying to undo the snap, right? Maybe I could help since you can communicate with me.”
Tony blinked. “Wait-- when did I scream at Cap?”
Peter winced. “Oh, you were drunk-- it wasn’t a good time. I try to forget it honestly. You can be pretty terrifying when you want to be.”
“I don’t even remember,” he murmured.
“He didn’t seem angry. He knew you didn’t mean any of it. You were just upset. Everything was still fresh,” Peter said.
“You think I could really help them?” Tony asked, picking at a loose hangnail. “I mean, even after I abandoned them.”
“I know you guys had this big falling out and the Avengers all split up, but you’re still a family. Don’t let a fight ruin your relationship with them before it’s too late to make amends. Take it from someone that would give anything to apologize but never got the chance to tell the person they fought with how sorry they are. For everything,” Peter said softly.
Tony closed his eyes and let out a long sigh. “Okay. You win. I’ll give him a call. But I think I’ve dealt with enough emotional draining for today, so how about we just relax and watch a movie? Star Tours?”
Peter rolled his eyes, not even bothering to correct him. “It’s been three years since I’ve seen Han Solo, get ready to binge them all. Starting with the sequels. And we stop before the reboots.”
Tony laughed. “Sounds good, kiddo. Just remember I can see you now, so don’t get too excited when you see him for the first time.”
Peter’s face turned bright red. “God, I can’t wait to smack you again.”
“I await the day,” Tony said with a smile.
---
Tony made it through almost the entire third movie before he passed out. He didn’t even know he was asleep until he was being shaken awake. He jolted awake, his heart racing. He could barely hear a voice over his heavy breathing. Someone was holding his wrist, but Tony couldn’t focus.
He closed his eyes and he saw Rhodey...he saw Rhodey abandoning at him, calling him crazy, refusing to help him and letting. He knew it was only because of the fight, but the thought of losing Rhodey, his best friend of years made him unable to control his breathing.
There was a hand splayed across his chest. “Breathe, you need to calm your breathing. It’s okay.”
Tony shook his head. “Can’t.”
“Yes, you can,” the voice insisted. “You just need to relax. You’re safe.”
Tony swallowed, desperately trying to contain his panic. “Don’t go. Please don’t go,” he begged to the unknown person trying to comfort him. He couldn’t be abandoned. He couldn’t be left alone.
There was a hand cupping his cheek and it’s warm and it feels different from any touch he’s ever felt before. It almost buzzed-- maybe because his senses were in overdrive. “I’m not going anywhere. It’s okay, Mr. Stark.”
Mr. Stark.
Peter was the only person that called him that, which meant he was the one that was comforting him. So the person touching him was...He snapped his eyes open and saw Peter leaning over him with worry filling his eyes. But his hand was over his chest still and Tony could feel it.
He grabbed Peter’s wrist and it didn’t go through. After a moment of confusion, Peter’s eyes widened. “You can hold me! You can-- I can touch you and you can touch me. You can feel me?”
Tony nodded his head, his previous panic being replaced with relief. They were closer to figuring it out-- Tony could touch him which meant...he didn’t waste another second before wrapping his arms around Peter and pulling him in for a giant hug. He squeezed him tighter than he’d hugged anyone in decades.
Peter coughed a little at the pressure but wrapped his arms around him and clung just as tightly. He dug his face into Tony’s neck and Tony felt the tickle. It wasn’t like he was holding a human Peter, but it was still something.
He pulled back and Peter was smiling hugely at him, happy tears in his eyes. “That was the first hug I’ve had in three years-- since Titan.”
It hit Tony like a sack of bricks. Sure, Tony didn’t want it, but he’s been touched and hugged. People could comfort him, but Peter was stuck alone. He had no way of getting a hug. It was why he always hugged himself when anxious because up until now, that was the only comfort he received.
“Then get in here, kid, we’ve got a lot of hugs to make up,” he said pulling him tight against his chest. He ran a hand through his hair just like he used to and Peter let out an actual purr at the sensation. Tony laughed. “You like that, squirt?”
Peter nestled into his side, not daring to let go of him. Like he was afraid if he let go he would never feel him again.
“How’d you do it?” Tony asked after Peter settled between Tony and the back of the couch. There was no way he was leaving any time soon. “How did you get like-- corporeal?”
“I don’t know,” Peter admitted. “I just...you were panicking and you weren’t waking up or even acknowledging me until I touched you. I just knew I needed to help you.”
Tony winced and the thought of Peter seeing him suffer through a panic attack. “I’m sorry for interrupting your movie, but hey, at least you can touch again, right?”
“Mr. Stark,” Peter said. “What did I say about me being here? I want to help you. You’re upset and I want to help you feel better.” He paused. “What was your dream about?”
Images of Rhodey abandoning him and Pepper divorcing him haunted his mind. He kept carding his hands through Peter’s curls to try and ease his nerves. They didn’t feel as soft as they usually were, but they were still something. “Don’t worry about it, kiddo.”
Peter paused. “It was about Rhodey, wasn’t it? You called for him.”
Tony closed his eyes, debating whether or not he should tell Peter. In the end, he knew he couldn’t hide it from Peter. The kid wasn’t stupid; he knew exactly what it was. “Yeah, well, it turns out your best friend calling you crazy messes you up.”
“He’s not going to leave you. He’s just worried. Ned never left my side through everything I put him through…” Peter trailed off.
“Once we figure this out, we can both tell Colonel Doubter that we told him so,” Tony said, rubbing Peter’s back.
Peter laughed, but it didn’t sound like he was really feeling it. “Yeah. Sounds good.”
“You okay?” Tony asked softly.
“I was just thinking...when you call Steve and figure out if you’re going to go meet them, maybe can we stop by and see May? I know you’re nervous about telling more people, but even if you don’t mention me, I’d like to see her.”
Tony felt like an asshole for not thinking of it earlier. “Of course, kiddo. We’ll go see her tomorrow, okay? I need some fresh anyway and I’m sure you miss what the actual outside looks like.”
Peter’s laugh this time sounded much happier now that he knew he was able to see May. “Yeah. Having an in-house therapist is really neat for all of the Stark employees and stuff, but I thought you’d have to go outside to see her today.”
“Nah, after everything, Pepper hired her to be here for everyone when they needed it, free of charge,” Tony said. Just another thing Pepper had to take care of for Tony while he did nothing.
“You’re looking a little pale. It’s been months since you went outside.”
“I’ve outside a few times in the past weeks,” Tony said.
“Anytime shorter than an hour doesn’t count,” he replied.
“Fine. Tomorrow we’ll go see May and go find Cap and his merry band of buddies.”
Peter settled against his chest again with a content hum. “Thank you,” he whispered.
Before Tony let himself fall asleep, he pulled out his phone and made the call. When the ringing stopped he said, “Hey, Cap. You still need my help?”