find my way back
“What the fuck ?” Tony shouted, falling backward off of his chair. His heart was racing and dammit, the height from the stool to the hard ground hurt.
“Mr. Stark!” Peter shouted, running through the bar from the other side. “Are you okay?”
Tony’s stared at him with wide eyes, speechless. Not only was he seeing the kid, but he just saw him phase through a piece of furniture. He squeezed his eyes shut and reopened them. Peter was still there. “Oh, man. ‘M so fuckin’ drunk,” he mumbled.
Peter paused. “Wait-- can you... see me?”
Tony looked over the kid again. Besides for looking a bit holographic and even glowing, he looked like his Peter. Like he had never left. “Uh-- yeah. I can see you... Peter?”
Peter smiled widely and immediately surged forward with open arms to pull Tony into a hug. But he went right through him. Tony turned his head to see where Peter was kneeling just behind him, staring down at his hands. “No, no, no.”
Tony’s mind was still reeling, desperately trying to keep up with everything. This was just another drunken hallucination...right? He reached a shaky arm towards the kid. His eyes were wide. “Peter...are you-- is that you?”
Peter turned around, his eyes were watery from unshed tears. “I can’t-- why can’t I touch you? I was able to touch you before. I don’t understand what happened.” His chest was rising and falling rapidly.
Tony was feeling the exact same panic because what the hell? “Peter-- you’re the same Peter that was talking to me with the crayon?”
Peter looked up at him and that comment seemed to calm him down slightly. “Mr. Stark, if you’re talking to multiple Peters, I think you have a problem.”
“What color was the crayon?” Tony asks, even though if he were imagining this Peter, he’d know the answer.
“This again? It was red. And the Mets. Nachos,” Peter answered easily. His breathing seemed to even out with something else to focus on.
And if Peter remembered their conversation...then that meant… “Peter!” He shouted and he stumbled closer to him, crawling on his hands and knees to stay level with the kid. He was afraid to take his eyes off of him even for a moment. “Peter, Peter, Peter ,” was all his mouth can say.
Peter smiled softly. “Yeah, it’s Peter.”
“But, how? Are you de...?” Tony swallowed thickly, unable to finish that sentence.
Peter held out his hands and studied them as he turned them over. Tony was still in awe how they glowed. “I don’t think so. I mean...I don’t feel dead, but how am I supposed to know?” Tony continued to stare at Peter with wide eyes and Peter falter slightly. “Why are you looking at me like that-- is it ‘cus you’re drunk? Because when you’re sober again, we’re going to have a long talk about drinking and the dangers--.”
“It’s been three years.”
“What? Oh…”
“I haven’t seen you in three years. I thought I was never going to see you again. And now...you’re back.” Tony felt his eyes burn from the tears collecting, but Tony refused to let them fall. No.
“I tried to come back quicker-- I was in and out, but I couldn’t hold on. I-I was somewhere d-dark and I felt...you somewhere. Sometimes it was easier to latch on...like when you would talk about me. But I could never stay at first.”
Tony shook his head. Although this was definitely sobering him up, his head was still a little too foggy to really think all of this through. “Dark-- what was dark?”
Peter fidgeted. “I don’t know...after Thanos...you know...I went to...somewhere dark. It was just black-- I couldn’t even see myself. I tried leaving because I didn’t like it there, but it was so hard to find my way out.”
Talking about the dark made Peter anxious Tony noted. “How’d you get out?”
“I just...sensed it?” Peter said, his voice sounding confused like he knew how stupid it sounded out loud. “Like when you first came back from Titan and you told May and you were both crying and holding each other-- I was there. The funeral. When everyone made all of those speeches. Ned, May... you . I was there. And, and I was screaming for you all to just turn around and see me! But...no one could and I realized that I was alone.”
Tony’s heart broke just imagining Peter running around, watching them all at his funeral-- where they didn’t even have a freaking body to bury-- and crying for someone to notice him. And just like then, Tony couldn’t pull him into a hug.
“I was in and out-- I came back and forth. I tried staying, but it was working at first. Then one day I got here and I just...it had been so long in the dark so I held on really tight and I stayed.”
“How long ago was that?” Tony asked softly. How long did you stay in the dark?
“Almost three years-- maybe two and a half years.”
Tony let the words sink in. “You’ve been here for two and a half years? Just roaming?”
“Not really-- well, yes. I’ve been here, but I’ve been attached to you. If I try to go anywhere too far away, I fizzle to the black and I have to find my way back.”
Peter had been with him this whole time...which meant he’d seen him at his lowest points. God, Peter had seen him almost kill himself with alcohol poisoning. Several times. “I’m sorry you had to see me these past few months, kid. God, if I knew--.” He cut himself off, running his hand over his face.
“I’m sorry for making you feel that way,” he responded in a low voice. Tony looked over at him and saw the guilt in his eyes. It was true: Tony had drunk himself into a stupor almost every night because he missed Peter, but he wouldn’t blame Peter.
“It’s not your fault.” Except it was his fault. It was his fault for being him. When he recruited Spider-Man, he never expected for Peter Parker to crawl his way into his heart and yet...his entire world was flipped upside down when he was taken from it.
“I’m sorry it took so long to show up-- I kept trying, but even staying is a lot. And then touching stuff...I guess I gave that up when I showed myself. Maybe I can only choose one?” He tries to touch his chest, but his hand goes through himself.
“I think I prefer the ‘seeing you’ option,” Tony said with a laugh trying to get the kid to crack a smile, but the kid didn’t look up.
“I wish I could give you a hug,” he admitted in a low voice.
“Oh, kid,” Tony said, looking at him sadly. Almost three years without a hug. That fucking sucked. But for Peter Parker? That was absolute torture. “We’re gonna figure this out. I promise you.”
“It makes me feel a little better now that you can see me,” Peter admitted. “I feel more real-- less crazy.” He laughed nervously.
“ You crazy? I was talking to a crayon, Peter,” he deadpanned.
“Technically, you were talking to, but yeah-- I see how that could look to someone else,” Peter said with a laugh.
The tears actually did start to stream down his face this time because fuck, he missed that sound. “I really missed you, buddy.”
Peter’s smile softened. “I missed you too. Well-- I missed you noticing me. I was always here with you, but you just couldn’t hear me. You know how many times I talked your ear off and you didn’t tell me to shut up once?”
“Talking my ear off is fine-- but I swear you better not have followed me into the bathroom.” Tony raised a finger at him warningly.
“It was either that or disappear into the black. You’re not easy on the eyes, Mr. Stark, but the black is scarier than you.” He shrugged his shoulders, his lip twitching.
“Peter, you better--.”
He couldn’t hold his laughter back any longer. “I’m joking! Bathrooms aren’t that big, so it’s easy for me to just sit outside the door until you’re finished.”
Tony stared at him. “You’re a weirdo. You just sit there?”
“What did you want me to do? Juggle? Balance on my head? Recite the elements backward and then forwards?”
Tony narrowed his eyes. “When did you get so sarcastic?”
“Well, I’ve had nobody but you as company for the past three years.”
“Sorry about that, kid,” Tony said and meant it as a self-deprecating joke, but Peter took it too seriously.
“I didn’t mind it. I like to spend time with you, but…” Peter shook his head. “Nevermind.”
“No, kid, tell me.” This was where he would bump his shoulder against Peter’s, but it went right through him.
“There were just times that...I didn’t like what I saw.” Peter refused to meet Tony’s eyes.
Tony knew he was a fuck-up, so he wasn’t surprised by this. But he never wanted to hear it from the kid’s mouth. So he did what he always did; he joked. “What, you get a show of me and Pepper?”
Peter’s cheeks flushed.
Tony froze. “Peter.”
“I waited outside again!” He said, his cheeks still red as his voice cracked. “Most times time I just went to the black.” Tony felt bad at that admission since he knew how much the kid hated the black. But really, it hadn’t had been many times. Losing Peter had definitely taken a toll on his and Pepper’s relationship. “But that’s not what I was talking about!”
“What could be worse than seeing me and Pepper--.”
“Do not finish that sentence.”
Tony sighed heavily. “Fine. Then what was so horrible about following me around?”
“Seeing you drink bottle after bottle.” The humor was gone from his voice. Tony winced. “Do you know what that’s like to watch? To know you’re the one causing it and to not be able to stop it? I begged you so many times to just put the glass down.” Peter’s voice cracked. “But you never listened.”
“Kid, I wish-- if I knew…”
“I know. I don’t mean to make you feel bad, but...just...no more. You’re done. Tonight was your last night.” He sniffled, trying to make his voice sound stronger. “I mean it. No more drinking.”
Tony nodded immediately. He’d do anything to keep the kid by his side. “You got it, kiddo. No more drinking.”
Peter quirked an eyebrow like he didn’t expect Tony to agree so easily. But the only reason he tried to drink himself into unconscious every night was that he didn’t have Peter. But now Peter was back, so there was no need. “And you need to sleep.”
“Got it. Sleep.”
“Really?” Peter paused. “Just like that and you’re agreeing?”
“I’d do anything for you, kid,” Tony replied without hesitation. Damn this alcohol.
Peter blushed at his words. “Good. At least someone can make sure you don’t kill yourself from lack of self-preservation. After a long and good night’s rest, you’re coming down here and cleaning up all these bottles.” His shoulders deflated slightly. “I’d help you out, but the only thing I can touch here is myself.”
Tony tried to hold back his laughter. He really did. Peter glared at him. “I’m sorry-- I’m sorry. I’m mature. I promise.”
Peter rolled his eyes, but he was having a hard time containing his smile. “Sure you are, Mr. Stark. Now come on, bedtime.” Peter lifted himself off of the ground and started to extend a hand to Tony, but then he pulled it back.
Tony stood up, eyeing his glowing form carefully. “So, you can touch the ground and your own body, but nothing else?”
“Yeah-- I mean...I think I could touch other things if I focused enough, but I’m afraid to lose the connection I’ve gotten from you seeing me,” he admitted. “I’d rather not touch anything than go back to being alone.”
Alone. Three years with no one to talk to. No one to acknowledge you. The thought was terrifying. “Well, you’ve got me now, kiddo.”
Peter smiled brightly at him and Tony could practically feel the relief in his voice. “Good.”
“I wish--.” Tony wanted so badly to pull this kid into a hug.
“I know.” Peter wrapped his arms around himself and then dropped them only a second later. “But let’s just focus on what we have. I’m here and you can see me. So, I think it’s good to know neither of us is crazy.”
“Oh, definitely. But I knew I wasn’t crazy before. Happy felt you too,” Tony pointed out as they started to walk out of the lab. Tony was only stumbling slightly, but it wasn’t his fault that the room was spinning.
“I have to apologize to him...I felt bad I can’t see his mom and sister.” Peter followed behind him.
“It’s not your fault. You can’t see anyone, right?”
Peter shook his head. “I don’t know where they are.”
Tony pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers. “We can figure this out...we’re both very smart and intelligent people, but right now...right now I need to sleep this headache off.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t drink so much.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t be such a wise-ass.”
Peter looked like he wanted to say more on the topic, but he didn’t bother. He just shrugged his shoulders and kept walking down the hallway. When they walked past Tony’s room, Peter hesitated. “You said you were going to bed.”
“Now that I know you’re following me around, I think you’re tired of sleeping in the lab or in the same room as Pepper and I.” He didn’t feel comfortable trying to sleep next to his fiance with the kid right there. And he didn’t feel like getting a lecture about his drinking tonight from her.
“I don’t need sleep,” Peter said.
Tony paused to look at the kid. “You don’t sleep?”
He fidgeted as he shrugged his shoulders. “I mean...not really no. I don’t sleep and I don’t eat.”
“Huh…” Tony studied him for the umpteenth time that night. “This is really weird, you know that right, kid?”
“I’ve been dealing with it for three years. I know, Mr. Stark.” Peter rolled his eyes as he continued to his door but stopped outside it. It took Tony a moment to realize he couldn’t open it.
“I got that,” he said, rushing forward and pushed it open for him. “Maybe sleeping somewhere familiar will help you out. You may not need to sleep, but you should try.” The minute Tony said this, the lights in Peter’s room and the hallway flickered. Tony frowned. “What the hell-- FRIDAY, is there something wrong with the lights?”
“No, sir.”
“Then what…” He trailed off, looking at Peter, who looked a little frightened. “Pete, you okay?”
“Y-yeah. I’m fine...I just...when I sleep, I go back to the dark, I don’t like the dark-- I don’t want to go back.” Peter started to play with his hands and the lights flickered again.
Tony paused, watching the obvious anxiety festering in Peter's eyes at the mention of sleeping and The Dark. “Is that you?”
Peter stopped wringing his hands to look at Tony with a frown; the lights went back on. “The lights-- you’re messing with the lights.”
“I’m sorry--,” Peter said, looking around him curiously. “I didn’t realize.”
“Don’t apologize. It’s okay.” Tony guess Peter’s emotions must have somehow messed with the electricity. Tony couldn’t wait to be sober enough to actually process everything happening. “How about we just...lay down and hopefully wake up with a sudden understanding of our situation and exactly how to fix it.”
Peter smiled slightly and that was really all Tony needed-- the kid to calm down just slightly. “You really think we’ll figure it out?” He asked.
“‘Course I do. Or else I better get used to living with Casper the Friendly Ghost for the rest of my life.”
----
The next morning, Tony groaned as he woke up. His head was only hurting slightly and with a few aspirins, he should be fine. Except, he didn’t want to get up and face the day; he still had to apologize to Pepper and clean up his lab and...live another day without Peter. He groaned and dug his face deeper into the pillow.
Life sucked without Peter and he just wasn’t interested in dealing with it today. He wasn’t interested in dealing with it ever.
“Mr. Stark, are you gonna sleep all day?”
Tony shot up, any lingering drowsiness was gone. That voice… His wide eyes looked over to see him sitting on the bed, with his legs folded underneath him. The previous night came rushing back. “It wasn’t a dream?”
Peter smiled a little and shook his head. His curls-- the curls Tony thought he would never see again bounced. “Nope. I’m here.”
“Oh, my God. Kid,” he breathed, already shoving the blanket off of him and diving across the bed to pull Peter in a crushing hug. He remembered a little too late that Peter wasn’t able to touch right now. He groaned as he fell to the floor hard.
Peter was giggling above him. “Mr. Stark, don’t you remember?”
“Yeah, yeah,” Tony said, his face flushing slightly. “I remember, brat.”
“Was that supposed to be a hug? Are we finally there? Or were you just getting the door for me?” He grinned down at him as Tony pushed himself up.
“Just for that when you get back to this realm, I’m starving you from all hugs. Not one will be from me.”
It was meant as a joke, but the grin faded from Peter’s face and his arms wrapped around himself. “I…” He trailed off, unsure of what else to say. “Please don’t take away the hugs.”
Tony frowned. “I was just joking, kid. You just saw me just faceplant into the floor for you, right? Hell, I won’t be surprised if I get rug rash.”
Peter let his shoulders sag in relief. “Okay-- good. Because I deserve all the hugs in the world. With the crap you’ve put me through.”
Tony pushed himself up. “Oh, really? The shit I put you through? Please, Parker, elaborate.”
“The drinking," he reminded him.
It was quick and to the point. “I’m sorry. If I knew--.” He swallowed thickly, already knowing that his apology wouldn’t be enough. “If I knew you were there with me, I sure as hell wouldn’t have picked up the bottle.”
“I don’t want to be annoying because I already told you last night...and step out of place since I’m just a kid, but...watching you spiral like that? It was one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen.” Peter’s eyes are wide. “So, you better not have lied to me when you promised to stop drinking.”
“Of course not, Pete,” Tony said, taking a seat on the bed next to him. “I’m done with the drinking. We’ll go down there right now and throw it all out. Everything. I promise.”
Peter smiled, straightening up. “I want to watch that more than I want to watch Star Wars .”
Tony chuckled. “Seriously? You still a big nerd?”
Peter tilted his head like a puppy. “Course I am. Didn’t change, Mr. Stark.”
And it sunk in then that it had been over three years and the world had three years added to their lives, Tony had more wrinkles, May had more gray hairs, all of his friends had two years in college under their belts. But Peter? He still was the kid that disappeared all those years ago. He was still wearing the same Iron Spider suit he was on Titan. He still had that baby face. Those curls. “I’m glad,” he said and Tony wasn’t sure if he meant it or not.
“Seriously though-- you could have watched The Empire Strikes Back at least once. I’m going through withdrawals.”
Tony shut his eyes. Maybe Peter was there when he snapped every Star Wars DVD in the tower-- unless it was in Peter’s private collection already. “Yeah, kid... Star Wars was a little too hard to sit through.”
“Oh,” Peter said, sounding like he regretted bringing it up. He tried to break the awkward tension, “Well-- we’ve got all the time in the world now. I’ve also gotta catch up with the reboots. Have they gotten any less appalling since I’ve been gone?” He considered his question. “I doubt it, but I’m hoping at least they’ve pulled their heads out of their asses long enough to make StormPilot happen. I know they threw in Rose, but that was just bullcrap-- and Leia, is she still in there? They should have given her an honorable death in The Last Jedi . Feels disrespectful to Carrie Fischer to keep her character alive. You know since Han died, they could have done a ‘died from a broken heart’ kinda thing-- like Johnny Cash. That would be poetic cinema.”
Tony waited for him to continue in case he was going to finish that thought with anymore, but he finally seemed done. “You know, kid, I think you just beat your own record of rambling.”
Peter’s cheeks blushed a deep red. “I’m sorry-- I’m not used to having someone to respond or listen.”
Despite the weight that sentence carried, Tony tried to smile so Peter didn’t think Tony minded. “It’s all good, squirt. I missed your rambling.”
“I didn’t miss your nicknames.” Peter scrunched his face in distaste.
“Oh, you’re such a liar. You love each and every one of them. Buddy, squirt, little man, Underoos, Spider-Baby--.”
The small smile disappeared off his face. “Not that one.”
“Okay, Spider-Baby.”
“I’m not a baby . I’m 17-years-old!”
But your friends are 20.
“Of course not. Nope. And you’re definitely not pouting right now, right? Because that’s something only babies do.”
Peter huffed, standing up from the bed. “Shut up. You have a lab to clean, don’t you?”
“Oh, just wait, kiddo. Just wait.” Tony said, following him to the door. “You’re gonna get it.”
“You’re gonna get it,” Peter mocked him as they walked out the door.
Oh, yeah. He was definitely going to get it.
----
They-- well, Tony was in the middle of dumping a full bottle of Jack Daniels down the drain when the elevators opened behind him. Peter looked over his shoulder from his spot where he was sitting on the counter, kicking his feet.
“Hey, Boss,” Happy said. He paused when he realized what Tony was doing. “Uhh...what’s going on?”
“Mr. Stark is actually listening for once,” Peter said, but Happy didn’t turn to him. He didn’t show any sign of hearing Peter. They already talked about this being a possibility-- only Tony being able to see him. Peter still looked disappointed.
“The kid wants me to stop drinking. You know I’m a sucker for those puppy eyes,” Tony said, shrugging his shoulders.
Peter laughed and mumbled under his breath, “I knew it.”
At the same time, Happy said, “Wait...the kid? He told you to stop? His puppy eyes--.” Happy started looking around the room, searching for him. “He’s back? How did you get him back? Is everyone back?”
“No...I didn’t get them back yet. But, Pete-- I can see him, Happy,” Tony said, walking over to where Peter was sitting. He let his hand hover over his shoulder. “He’s right here-- he’s here. I just have to figure out how to get him back here .”
“He’s...wait, you can see him ?” Happy hurried over to his side, looking around where Peter was perched.
“Hey, Happy,” Peter said, waving.
Tony chuckled. “He says hi. He’s waving.”
Happy turned from Peter to Tony. His eyes are wide. “Can he-- is it just him?”
Wincing, Tony answered, “Yeah. We haven’t really figured out the how or why. Just that he’s here and I’m the only one that can see him. He’s been here since the snap about.”
Happy turned his head, his eyes landing on Peter’s chest. “You were here all this time, kid?”
“Tell him it’s okay. It sucked, but I kept myself entertained and now at least someone can hear me.” Peter shrugged his shoulders. “Tell him I’m sorry I couldn’t find his mom and sister. I’m sure they’re safe with the others.”
“He’s okay...and he’s sorry about not seeing your mom and sister. He thinks they’re with the others and safe. I agree with him,” Tony said softly.
Happy smiled. “Well, you found Peter, right? The others have to be out there too.”
Tony clapped him on the shoulder. “I’m sure they are.”
Happy looked around the room where it was already looking much cleaner. The bottles were in a recyclable bin and Tony was slowly working through his collection of alcohols, pouring it all down the drain. Tony didn’t even miss it. Not when the kid was smiling by his side. “Do you need help?”
Tony raised his eyebrows. “You don’t have to help me.”
“No, but I want to. Besides, I’ve got some demons to destroy with these bottles too. I don’t think my mom would be too proud to see how much I turned to a drink.” Happy bent over, picking up the nearest bottle.
“You can say that again. I got an earful from Pepper Jr. over here.” Tony rolled his eyes with a smile so Peter would know he was teasing. But Peter wasn’t even paying attention; he was zoned out, staring at a wall.
“So...the kid...you can really see him?” Happy asked hesitantly.
“I can either see him or I’m officially insane. But this...this seems too real to be a dream.” Tony looked at the kid, knowing it also felt too good to be real.
“Does...this is stupid. How do you see him? What does he look like?” Happy asked, rinsing out a bottle in the sink.
“Like Peter on the day he left. He looks the same, not older by even a day. He’s still wearing his Iron Spider suit. He glows...like a light blue-ish glow.” Tony realized how it sounded and he stopped himself. “It sounds crazy, I know--.”
“Tony,” Happy said, stopping him. “We’ve been through crazier shit. A purple alien used a giant glove to snap and stuck half of the universe somewhere. You seeing Peter? Seems pretty normal compared to all that.”
Tony smiled. “Thanks, Hap.”
Happy nodded his head and glanced over where Peter was still staring at the wall. “What’s he doing?”
“Staring at the wall-- he looks creepy.” Tony clapped his hands to get Peter’s attention. He didn’t react. Tony started feeling worried; what if something was wrong? Why was he just staring and not responding? He hurried in front of Peter and said, “Kid! Kid, what’s wrong?”
Peter finally blinked a few times, pulling away. “What?”
“What? You’ve been staring at nothing for the past 10 minutes.” Tony grabbed his chest as he willed his heart to calm down. Peter was okay.
“I was? Oh. Sorry. Guess I just zoned out.” He shrugged his shoulders and went back to kicking his feet like there wasn’t anything wrong.
Tony swatted him with a towel even though it went right through him. “You’re a pain.”
“What’s wrong?” Happy asked, looking worried on Peter’s behalf.
“He was just zoned out. But it was creepy. It was like he wasn’t even there. His eyes were just staring.”
“You’re creepy,” Peter mocked and Tony rolled his eyes.
“Well, think about it, Tony. This is the first day the kid is actually...involved in conversations in years. If you had to live your life with no one able to hear you, wouldn’t you start to just zone out?”
Tony considered his words. “I never really thought about it like that. Is that why you’re staring off to nowhere, kiddo? You’re used to being left out?”
Peter shrugged his shoulders, his cheeks blushing slightly. “I guess? I dunno. You could never hear me and you’d have your conversations, so sometimes I’d get bored and just daydream.”
“Don’t do that anymore, okay? Just...You can talk to me now. I can hear you. And I don’t mind relaying to Happy when he’s here. You creep me out just zoning out by yourself.” Tony tried not to let any worry seep into his voice. “I don’t know how all of this ghost stuff works, but three years with just you..that can’t be too easy on your psyche.”
Peter raised his eyebrows. “You think I’m the crazy one? You’re the one talking to a ghost.”
“He just called me crazy for talking to a ghost,” Tony said to Happy.
Happy laughed and held his hand up by Peter. “High five, kid!”
At this, Peter’s entire face lit up as he smacked Happy’s palm, his hand going through Happy’s hand just a bit. Tony rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. He high fived you.”
Happy grinned. “Knew I missed you for a reason, kid.”
----
Unfortunately, not everyone could be as open-minded as Happy.
Rhodey came down into the lab later that day when Tony was in the middle of a conversation with Peter. Tony didn’t know he was there until he cleared his throat. Tony turned from the side of the couch Peter was sitting on.
“Hey, you can tell Colonel Rhodes! Or maybe let’s mess with him at first-- wait I can’t touch anything so my plan wouldn’t work. But it would be really funny if I could just, like, poke him and see him jump. Do you think he’d jump? How high? As high as he could probably.”
Tony was starting to get used to these rambles from Peter. The kid was trying to be more careful with the habits he picked up from being alone. He knew it wasn’t his fault-- he was used to being his only company for years. “Rhodes! Hey! Was just arguing over what was a good choice for dinner,” he said, pointedly excluding the pronoun indicating who was arguing about dinner.
“Hey, Tones,” Rhodey said, walking over to him slowly. He turned to face the part of his lab that had been a bar for months. “You cleaned up?”
Tony nodded his head. “Yeah...Happy helped out.”
“That’s good.”
Tony nodded his head again, sitting in awkward silence. They were best friends; they never ad awkward silence.
Rhodey broke it first. “Tony, look, you know I love you and this is exactly why I’m down here. Pepper came to me saying she was worried about you.”
Tony huffed. Why were they acting like this was new? He’d been the same since they put Peter in the ground-- not even Peter, just his coffin. He was finally figuring things out. He was getting happy again. He had hope. “I know-- but that was before,” he said, bouncing his leg in excitement. Once they knew Peter was back, he could get some help in figuring all of this out. They’d have a better chance at getting Peter back. “That was before I could see him.”
Rhodey’s eyes widened slightly before going back to normal. “You could...what?”
“I could feel him before-- I just knew he was here, and the crayon always moved, but now somehow, he held on tight enough.” Tony stood up, smiling widely. Peter was standing on the couch, bouncing slightly. “But he’s here now-- he’s behind me jumping like a monkey and if he falls, I’m going to kill him.”
Peter laughed and let himself fall to the cushions. Tony jumped, afraid he was going to fall and smack his head. He couldn’t even catch him or break his fall. “I’m fine! Sheesh, you’re such a mother hen.”
“I worry because you’re an idiot that is going to get himself hurt with the hit you pull and I don’t feel--.”
“Tony, who are you talking to?”
“Sorry-- I forget not everyone has the privilege of seeing the brat like I do. I’m talking to Peter.” He jerked his head behind him so Rhodey would have an idea where Peter was.
Rhodey stared at him for a long moment before he asked, “Tony, you do know that he’s not here, right?”
Tony laughed. “I know it seems like that, but he’s here. I’d tell him to push something over, but we’re working on that. Somehow he can stand and sit on the furniture. We haven’t really figured out the science yet.”
“Maybe because I’m so focused on one thing I can’t do another,” Peter said and didn’t stop even as Rhodey talked right over him. Peter didn’t even look bothered. Right. He was used to that.
“No-- I don’t see him because he’s not there.”
Tony frowned. This wasn’t how Rhodey was supposed to react-- he was his best friend. Why didn’t he understand? “Rhodes…”
Rhodey fidgeted, looking unsure of how he should continue. “Tony, I love you, man. Honestly, I love you more than anyone else in the world. So, please understand that I’m trying to help you.”
“Uh, Mr. Stark, I don’t think he believes you.” Peter’s excitement was gone as he hid behind Tony as if that made any difference to Rhodey.
“I know it sounds impossible, but he’s here, Rhodey. He’s here and I’m trying to get him back, but I can’t do it alone.” He took a step closer, pleading, “Please just believe me.”
“Three years, Tony. I’ve been letting you isolate yourself and keep these thoughts buried inside of you until you explode. You almost drank yourself to death several times. I humored you long enough, but I just can’t anymore.”
Tony snorted humorlessly. “Humored me?”
“Yes. I should have burst this little bubble months ago. You need help. You need a doctor.”
Tony narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. “Just say it, Rhodes. Say I’m crazy.”
“I’m not saying that. I’m saying that it’s normal to get therapy after traumatic events. We all went to therapy after the snap,” Tony winced at that. “Everyone except you and I think you needed it the most.”
“Because I knew he wasn’t gone! I knew he had to come back. And he has, but you’re calling me crazy instead of helping me figure out how to get him back.” Tony couldn’t believe after everything they’d been through, he was just gonna abandon him now.
“Tony, they’re all gone! I know it hurts and I know you don’t want to face it after what happened, but you need to. It’s not safe for you to go on like this, talking to Peter when Peter’s been dead for three years.”
Tony flinches. No . He wasn’t dead. He was right here. He turned around to look at him and reassure himself. He was staring right back with wide eyes. He looked scared and guilty. “I’m sorry,” he whispered and it was Titan all over again.
“No, no, no,” Tony said. “You don’t need to apologize, kiddo. It’s not your fault.”
“Tony-- seriously?” Rhodey said behind him.
“Do you mind, Rhodes? You upset my kid and I’m trying to make him feel better,” Tony growled, wishing he could pull Peter in for a hug.
“You’re-- are you trying-- I don’t understand. You get mad at me for mentioning a therapist, but then you tell me you’re imagining Peter and you’re having a conversation with him.” Rhodey scoffed. “Maybe I’m the crazy one.”
Tony whirled around. “I’m not crazy!”
“You need help,” Rhodey said, keeping his voice calm. “You-- all of this isn’t normal. You haven't been the same since Titan. You haven't been the same since Peter died in your arms .”
“Stop saying that! He’s not dead!” Tony roared and as he did so, the lights in the lab flickered slightly. Shit. Tony turned back to Peter to comfort him. “I’m sorry for yelling, Pete.”
“You have a meeting with a therapist tomorrow.”
“Fuck no.”
“You’re going. I don’t care if I have to come back here and drag you by your ear. You’re going.” Rhodey narrowed his eyes, daring Tony to argue with him.
“I don’t--.”
“You’ve needed this since day one. I’m sorry it took me so fucking long to get you help. Please,” Rhodey pleaded, his voice sounding desperate.
Tony almost felt guilty. He knew Rhodey was only making such a big deal about this because he was worried. Tony hadn’t been the same since Titan. He knew he was a mess. He knew he was fucked up. He knew he had been one drink away from six feet deep. “I’m not crazy,” he whispered.
“No,” Rhodey agreed, but Tony doubted he was being honest. “But you need help. Please. If not for yourself or even for me, for Peter. He wouldn’t want you to be keeping all of this inside.”
Tony sighed heavily as he glanced back to see Peter watching the two of them with wide eyes. He looked back at Rhodey and saw the bags under his eyes, the worry inside of them. “I’ll think about it.”
Rhodey let out a shaky breath. “Thank you.”
“I didn’t say I was going to do it. I’m only going to think about it.”
“I know.” Rhodey paused, studying Tony before he asked, “Do you mind if I join you for dinner? I’m starved.”
Rhodey stayed for dinner. Peter sat on the other side of the room and didn’t say a word.
---
“I’m sorry,” Peter apologized later that night after Rhodey finally left the lab (not without giving Tony the time and location of the therapy appointment he set up for him).
Tony winced because those words haunted his mind every day since Titan. “Pete, let’s...let’s avoid saying that, okay? You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“Your best friend thinks you’re crazy. So does your fiance.” He looked down at his feet, pausing for a moment. “I have a lot to be sorry for.”
Tony walked over to where Peter was sitting, his stuffed monkey still lying on the couch with all of the other things Tony brought from his room. Tony wondered how much the kid wanted to pick any of it up. “You have nothing to be sorry for. It was bound to happen sooner or later...they’ve been thinking I’m crazy since the day I came back from Titan.”
“I’m sorry for messing up your life.”
Tony blinked. “Messing up my life? What are you talking about, kid?” If anything, he was the one that messed up the kid’s life.
“You’re falling apart. You’re living in your lab, your relationship with Pepper is so strained, you don’t sleep, you drink so much-- all because of me. Because I was gone. I ruined your life. Three years of your life-- gone because of me. ” His wide eyes were welling up with tears and Tony could do nothing to wipe them away.
“No-- Peter, that’s not your fault. Everyone lost these years off of their life-- I think you the most. I’ve been at least in the real world, but you’re stuck there. So, please do not blame yourself for this. We’re going to get you back and then it’s going to be just like it was.”
Peter wiped his own eyes as he thought over Tony’s words. Tony hoped he believed at least some of what he was saying. “I think you should go,” he whispered.
“You think I should...go to therapy?” Tony frowned. “Hate to break it to ya, Pete. But you’re actually here. We both know I’m not crazy.”
“I know you’re not. I know I’m actually here...but, you still,” he paused to swallow thickly. “You still had to hold me as I died. In your arms.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “I remember it. I remember crying and clinging to you. I remember being terrified. And-- and you had to deal with it all after I was gone. I know you remember it too.”
Tony shook his head. He did not want to go there. He was not about to talk about this with Peter, of all people. “Peter…”
“I’ve been here. I’ve been here the whole time. I know about the nightmares. You wake up calling my name.” He looked up at the tears that he thought Peter wiped away were still there. “It’s okay to get help. Colonel Rhodes was right. We love you and we just want what’s best.”
Tony couldn’t argue with that. Losing Peter had haunted him since that moment and it would continue to even after he got him back. There was no erasing the memories from his mind. But, he’d been so torn about losing Peter, he didn’t want to try and get better. He didn’t want to be better without Peter. He knew it wasn’t possible. But, maybe now…”You really want me to go, kid?”
Peter nodded his head with a hopeful look in his eyes. “Please, just...try to talk to someone.”
Tony sighed and nodded. “Yeah...okay, kid. I’ll go. For you, I will.”
Peter smiled at him and Tony thought that maybe that was the start to getting better.