Chapter 18
Bucky takes a long sip from the coffee. The drink sliding hot and thick down his throat. It’s never been this way. The air has never felt so heavy when he was around Anna. But now, sitting on the couch of her living room while he drinks from the coffee she politely offered him, he feels nothing but on edge. Unspoken words and unshared feelings weighing between them as he spots her fidgety fingers beside him on the other end of the couch.
He clears his throat after placing his cup back on the coffee table, “Thanks for agreeing to meet me.”
Her eyes lift from her hands to him, almost as she’s startled by his voice cutting through the uncomfortable silence, “Of course, I have actually been meaning to call you before, but…” She licks her lips and shrugs, “I didn’t know if it was ok.”
Bucky nods before he presses his upper lip between his teeth, suddenly finding the cup of coffee in front of him very interesting. God, why is this so hard? He’s been thinking about a lot of things to say to her but now the words don’t seem to reach his senses. He sucks in a courage breath, “Listen, Anna, I-”
“Can I talk first?” She swiftly interrupts him, “Please?” She says steadily, but by the way her lips twitch as if she’s holding them from trembling and how she keeps rubbing and fidgeting with her hands it’s obvious that steadiness is far away from her true emotions.
“Ok,” he mumbled, actually relieved for not having to be the first one to talk.
Her chest heaves as she breathes deeply and turns her body towards him, tucking a leg under the other. She takes a moment looking down before speaking, saying each word carefully, “This past month I didn’t see you… I had plenty of time to think. I started seeing my therapist again, and I was able to understand things from a different perspective.” Her jaw is tense when her eyes flick to him.
Bucky recognizes what he sees in her eyes. He has plenty of it. Regret. He has seen it there before, when he last talked to her, but then there were too many feelings boiling inside him, - not all of them pretty - for him to really care about it. Now…he does. Steve was right. Anna is important to him and he needs to set things right with her.
“No one has ever made me feel like you did, Bucky.” She continues. “I fell for you hard.” A sad smile twists her lips, as Bucky keeps his eyes trained on her in silence. “I tried to fight it, because I knew you loved someone else.” Her throat visibly moves as she swallows and blinks, eyes flicking momentarily to side.
Bucky shifts in his seat, spotting the single tear running down her cheek which she quickly wipes with a finger.
“But I’ve never really pondered the implications of the fact that, before everything, I was your therapist and you had trusted me with your mind.” She whispers, letting her gaze fall.
“Anna…” Bucky tries when she pauses.
“The only thing on my mind, Bucky,” She resumes, looking up at him and he let her talk, because he can see it in her voice, her whole demeanor - tense and restless- how much she needs to. “Was that I knew exactly what you needed and that I could provide it to you.” She lets out a scoff, shaking her head bitterly, “But the thing is, at some point, what I thought it was good for you started to convert into what I thought was good for me. With what I wanted for myself.”
Shame crosses through her face as she puckers her mouth and her eyes drop. He becomes aware of how tightly his grip is on his thighs through his jeans. His chest is heavy with something that feels like… sorrow.
“When I saw an opportunity to live that overwhelming, wonderful feeling with you, I didn’t think twice.” She doesn’t look up at him to talk, “I didn’t consider the possible consequences, not for you, and not for me. And then I caught myself doing things I never thought I would, like… lying to you… creating situations I thought would favor us as a couple, I… I lost myself into loving you and it was my fault.” Her watery gaze finds his again before she whispers, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Bucky.”
Bucky sighs. Letting a deep intake of air fill his lungs before he shifts his position to face her, moving slowly to sit closer to her on the sofa. “Anna, I’ve been thinking a lot too,” He confesses, “And I owe you apologies, as well.” The corner of his mouth curls downwards and she frowns at him. “You told me that when you signed me up to another professional you had just realized you’d started developing feelings for me and all the time we’ve remained close after that, not once you tried to act on them. I had no clue about how you felt until Y/N blurted it out to me.” He scoots closer and take her hand between his, feeling how cold her skin is.
Her eyes follow his gesture, stopping at their joined hands.
“You only confessed them when I ran to you after that mission and I was the one to make a move on you, Anna. I did so knowing I was still too caught up on Y/N, there was still a lot to figure out with her, and I jumped into a relationship with you to run away from it.” The regret sweeps into his voice and cut through his guts as their eyes meet, “You said you didn’t ponder the consequences, but I’m the one who started this without pondering them myself. When I talked to Y/N about us the day after we decided to get together, she said I would hurt you and I did. I did hurt you.”
“I knew what I was getting into, Bucky.” She squeezes his hand. The drops of tears running down her cheeks expressing how his words are painful to her.
He smiles. Sadly. “You were only being guided by the way you felt for me and I feel like I took advantage of that. Of you.” His teeth clench to the point it becomes painful, “I’m really sorry.” He finally says the words which he’s taken this past month to realize he owed her.
She looks down at their hands and gently places her other one on top of his. “I’m sorry, too” Her voice is teary and croaky.
An instant of stillness takes place between them, as they both take in their apologies and then just nod at each other, expressing with the simple gesture the mutual forgiveness.
“Bucky,” She calls quietly, “Do you feel like we would’ve worked out if things were different? Did you feel something for me at some point? When you touched me,” Her finger caresses his skin softly, “When I kissed you, when we… when we slept together?” She directs her pained and pleading look at him.
“Anna…” Bucky breathes, “You’re so important to me.” He pours all his sincerity in his voice. It’s essential to him that she knows this, “When I looked for you that night, when we opened up about our feelings, I really thought I could love you the way I…” His breath caught in his throat, “I care so much about you. But not in the way you expected me to. Not in the way you deserve.” He knows he didn’t really answer her question, but how could he tell her that when he kissed her, when he had her between his arms, when he had her on his bed, he always ended up with you on his mind? He’s such a fucking jerk. He knows this. But he doesn’t have to make the pain he sees on her face even harder.
Her forehead creases as she moves her gaze downwards and lets out the air that was trapped in her lungs, “Not in the way you love Y/N.” She affirms, as if reading his mind.
He doesn’t say anything to that, because there’s nothing more that has to be said. He would only lie or hurt her further with the truth. He wants none.
“Have you two talked?” She mumbles out her question.
“Yeah.” He answers, “We, um, we decided to put everything behind us, for the sake of the baby, learning how to be parents to them is all we’re gonna focus on.”
She quirks an eyebrow at him, “And do you think this is going to work out?”
“It has to”
“Bucky” She pulls away her hands from his touch before she wipes her eyes and straightens up her posture, as he lets his hands rest again on his thighs, waiting for her to speak, ”Listen, I won’t pretend this is easy for me to say. It’s not.” She shakes her head and sighs deeply before she swiftly licks her lips, “But haven’t the two of you tried to ignore your feelings for each other for long enough? I think you should talk to her about it.”
Bucky studies her. There it is. The Anna he treasured and has been so central in his life the past couple of years. The one who always said what he needed to hear, hitting right into where would make him see things how they really were… Also, he has heard something familiar before… He chuckles, filling the gesture with fondness.
“What?” She frowns.
“She said almost the same thing. About you. That I should talk to you.” He clarifies with an amused soft tone in his voice.
“Oh,” Her brows wiggle as she’s surprised by the information, after her expression becomes sullen, “I still need to apologize to her. Maybe someday I could talk to her, but not right now.” She shakes her head swiftly.
Bucky doesn’t argue with that. He’s happy he’s finding his own peace with Anna, but he doesn’t know how a whole new encounter between her and you could affect you and he wants nothing but to keep you safe and sound from any kind of distress.
“She doesn’t blame you about the accident, and I don’t either.” Bucky props an elbow on the backrest of the sofa, leaning forward, “Not anymore. I shouldn’t have acted that way, but…” He looks to the side and sighs. He knows he shouldn’t have blamed her, but at the time all he thought was about his baby and what could’ve happened.
“But you’re a dad now. And it was your baby safety at stake.” She states, making him turn to her and see an understanding look aimed at him, “Are you happy with the baby, I mean?”
The smile that curls up his lips comes out easily, just like every time his baby is mentioned, “So much.”
Anna smiles back, “I’m happy for you, really. You’ll be the best dad in the world. No doubt about it.” She reaches out and takes his hand into hers again.
Bucky gazes at the touch, his chest feeling lighter, just like his mind. He feels like he’s finding his way back to Anna again. To the Anna he cherished the friendship and company, before he ruined everything by trying to change it.
“Anna…” He says her name softly, “We have made mistakes, I know I’ve made tons of them, but like I said, you ́re so important to me… I would really like having you in my life.”
“You want me in your life as what, Bucky?” She doesn’t say this in a scolding way, instead there ́s gentleness and a hint of sadness in her voice as she tightens the hold on his hand. “A friend? A lover? A therapist? It doesn’t matter because I can’t be any of that. I still love you, Bucky.” A new tear falls down her face when she makes the confession with a pained smile on her lips as Bucky keeps his eyes on her, gulping down the lump of emotions on his throat, “So much. And not in the way you say you care about me. I really love you. Being around you without you loving me back…” She takes in a shuddering breath as her eyes close for a second, “It’s too painful.”
Bucky uses a finger to gently and slowly wipe a tear from her face as his other hand keeps enlaced with hers. He can sense how she holds back to not lean into his touch.
“I’ve neglected my feelings before, when my love was still a secret, but I can’t do this anymore.” She bites her inner cheek, “I need to work on myself. To understand my emotions and, hopefully, learn how to move on, how to live past my feelings for you. I need space and time to do that, at least for now. I hope you understand.” She holds his gaze with expectant eyes.
“I do.” He nods once and truthfully, “You´re right.” He agrees, “I just need you to know I do care about you and whatever you need of me for you to be ok, I’m in.”
A relieved breath slips out her lips, “Thank you, Bucky.”
They keep talking for another thirty minutes, tops; before he decides it’s time to leave, to what she shows no resistance.
“Bucky,” She pulls his hand before he walks out the door.
She smiles tightly at him when their gazes meet.
“Please,” She says, “Try to be happy. I need you to.”
He locks his eyes on hers when he brings her knuckles to his lips and place a kiss on them, “You, too, Anna… You, too.”
~~~
Ch. 19 coming soon (ish)