Chapter 15
With his back against the headboard of his bed, Bucky twirls the soft tiny piece of clothing in his fingers. He hasn’t stopped looking at the little jumpsuit he scrounged from your room ever since he bolted his way out of there.
When he told you he didn’t know if he could do it, he wasn’t lying. He’s been so damn scared ever since he heard the doctor saying the words that…changed his life, he might say. He’s never felt like this before and he has already faced too much damn scary shit in his long life. It was all a blur to him as his legs moved on his own and he spent the whole night wandering around the city.
Sighing, he realizes what a fucking coward he is and his eyes shut. It took him days to finally gather the courage to go talk to you. Steve offered his support, like he always does… Nat grabbed him by the collar and threatened his manhood, of course… Sam tried to reason with him, how Bucky had expected him to do. Wanda was the one to surprise him, calling him stupid when he expected gentle words from her. Can he blame her, though? Isn’t stupid exactly what he is?
Despite the effort of his friends, it was only time, the passing of the days that managed to get him out of his mind and finally go talk to you. Time he spent thinking solely of you, of the baby you are expecting… Replaying in his mind how he spent every single day which the baby already existed inside you, a little piece of you and him, getting stronger by the minute without him having a clue about it.
He never, not for one single second, thought that this would happen to him. Having a kid…a little helpless creature that would depend completely on him, on both of you together…There’s no way he wouldn’t fuck this up…
How in the world a fucked up freak like him could be a father. A good one? He doesn’t even know how to deal with his emotions towards you…towards Anna… or himself, to be honest. How, in the middle of that mess, one that he took a great part on creating, would he learn how to be a father?
He knocked on your door and you’ve never looked as beautiful as when he laid his eyes on you. He saw the tiny shoe in your hand and his mind went dizzy. The coward in him took over as he insulted you and the history of you and him by asking if the baby was his… What a dumbass…
Taking you over, he noticed how comfortable you seemed with the idea of the baby. How could you not be freaking out? You acted so elegantly, so composedly, so…maturely. His love for you, the one he keeps trying to wipe away from his chest, swelled even more and made him be unable to find his breath.
And when he heard you saying the exact same words he had told you once, that the love of yours wasn’t good for neither of you, he truly understood what dying would feel like…What right does he have to feel that way, like he wasn’t the one to force you to think like that in the first place… like he didn’t agree with you? There it is. The mess…it’s all his fault.
The kid has been lucky enough to have you as a mother, would he want to taint that with all his dark shit? Deep down, he knows the right thing to do would be to spare this child of the burden of having him in their life. It would be better for everyone, but especially for the kid… he knows that.
But why the hell does his heart feels like it’s going to combust ever since he gets a glimpse of this tiny little piece of cloth.
For a second, he wonders if his old self, the one Steve keeps gushing about, would’ve been a good father… Ever since the hospital he’s been searching through his knotty memories and an image keeps flashing in his mind… a little baby, all in white, one he held so close to his chest when he, himself, was nothing more than a boy. If he tries hard he still can feel the relishing fluffiness of their blanket against him. His sister… Rebecca. He doesn’t remember being scared then, all he remembers is feeling so drawn to that little creature in his arms…
Perhaps…
Gazing down at the onesie, he sprawls the soft fabric all over his metal hand. It fits almost perfectly. When he smiles, he doesn’t even notice.
Is he really so scared of something that could fit in that tiny little thing?
The doorbell rings and his easy smile drops.
Anna…
He gulps down and carefully folds the jumpsuit, placing it beneath one of his pillows before getting up to open the door. They haven’t really talked ever since the hospital. While he bolted, he heard his name being called by her, but he didn’t let her catch up to him. He needed to be alone. And then he avoided talking to her like the plague.
He’s almost certain she’s been doing the same, since she didn’t try to reach out for him again, not once, not even to talk about their cancelled trip. It’s an odd feeling to him, the need to avoid her. Anna has always meant comfort and guidance whenever he felt lost, not knowing what to do, what to feel… However, this time, all he wanted was to be alone… to think things through for himself.
But he knows they have to sort things out. He has to understand how she’s been feeling about all this and he owes her an explanation, a position of some sort… that’s why he’s called her to come and talk.
When he opens the door, he halts and the sight makes his heart ache. She has her hair high in a messy ponytail and not in the usual stylish waves. There’s none of the habitual makeup on her face and the dark circles matches his as her eyes cast downwards. The corner of her lips curl in the same direction… Clearly, it hasn’t been easy for her either and it breaks his heart that he has neglected her so much these days, acting so selfishly and distant.
“Hi,” his voice is soft and low, “Come in,” He steps back to give her room.
When she passes by him to get into his living room, she doesn’t spare a glance at him. He can’t really tell why, but this time, he doesn’t try to greet her with a kiss like he’s used to. Maybe it’s guilt.
“How’ve you been doing?” She quietly mummers, finally looking at him as she stands a few feet away from where he has just closed the door.
Bucky just nods and pulls up a tight smile, noticing as she doesn’t take off her coat and keeps standing up, fumbling with her fingers, not moving to take a seat anywhere in his living room.
“What about you? Are you ok?” He timidly asks, placing his hands on his back pockets.
“Have you talked to her?” She quickly ignores his question.
The air grows thick between them, something so unfamiliar for him and Anna. Once again, he just nods.
“Is she… is she and the baby alright after… after the accident?” Her question is tentative and shaky.
“Yeah… yeah. They’re fine. Guess they got lucky.” He tucks his shoulders.
“Did she tell you how it happened?”
His eyebrows pull together as his head tilts to the side, this is not a question he expects to hear from Anna, especially as she asks it in such a small voice, her lips becoming white as she press them in between her teeth. At least he didn’t expect her to ask about it right now, after he spent days without looking for her and they have so much more to talk about. Why is she focusing so much on your accident? Is she running away from the main subject? Is she afraid of something he might tell her?
“Ahm… yeah.” He keeps frowning, “She said she got distracted and nothing more. I think it’s weird, but we didn’t really get to talk much about it.” He steps closer to her, aiming to reach out and touch her, “Anna…, listen, I’m sorry, I-”
“It was me.” She bursts out and Bucky stops on his tracks, “It happened because of me, Bucky. It was my fault she got in an accident. ” Anna chest heaves as her fists clench tight on her sides.
Bucky steps back as the air is knocked out of his lungs and his forehead scrunches up in confusion. Her words a puzzle in his mind as he watches how her face contorts into something… desperate, “What?” He puffs out.
Anna’s head hangs low while her eyes close and she takes a deep sigh, as if to control her frantic breathing caused by the words she has just let out, “I-I, before the airport, I went to the tower and-.’
“What? Wait…” Bucky interrupts her, “You said you had some work stuff to do. Did you lie to me?” What the hell is she telling him? “What did you go there for?” He can’t avoid the biting tone to sweep into his voice.
She turns her head sideways, avoiding looking straight at him, before replying, quietly. “At Steve’s party… I-I listened Natasha talking to Y/N, about-” She breathes in, before directing her gaze to his, “about her being pregnant…”
Bucky’s eyebrows shoot high on his forehead.
“It wasn’t hard to figure out who the father was.” She shrugs weakly, tears glistening her eyes.
“You knew?” He utters through his tightened teeth. He can feel the shock leaving his expression as a scowl twists it and a dangerous rush of anger burns on his chest.
“I-I“, She stutters, looking lost. Finding no words, she only nods.
A scoff slips from Bucky’s lips before he runs his hands down his mouth, “Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”
His harsh tone makes her flinch but he doesn’t find in himself to take it back, to tone down his demeanor. Not now. Not when a somber sense of betrayal, of deceive sting on his heart.
“I- I was so scared of losing you, Bucky. I didn’t know what to do. And… and…fuck…” She curses under her ragged breath, as she looks the other way.
“And then you invented that fucking trip…” Bucky fumes, shaking his head in disbelief. He inhales deeply. He needs to calm down. He needs to understand. “What did you tell her? When you went to the Tower… What did you talk about, huh? Tell me, Anna.” He demanded.
“I asked her to give us time…’ She answers without hesitation, moving her pained stare to him again, “I told her how fucked up you got when she left and how I helped you get better, that… that if you knew about the baby you wouldn’t focus on yourself, on us… I… I said that she shouldn’t have come back.”
Exposed… Betrayed…Manipulated…. These are some of the words that cross his mind as a dull ache grasps his thundering heart and his whole body is stiff as a rock. He stares at Anna, but he doesn’t really see her…he trusted her… he thought he could trust her… and now he feels like someone has dragged the floor from under him. The floor that has been keeping him supported this whole time… He’s lost.
“Then the accident happened right after…” Anna spoke again and her voice is so small he barely registers the sound. “She could’ve hurt herself, her baby…” She blinks and her face contorts in sheer horror, “I’ve never hoped for something like that to happen, never… I promise.” She cries out, her eyes begging him to believe her. “But I know it’s my fault. It’s my goddamn fault. I couldn’t stop thinking about it all these days. I kept thinking how…” She purses her lips, eyes shifting around as she looks for the right word, “Wrecked I left her there, she wasn’t in a condition to drive… I didn’t want this to happen, but it did, and because of me, because of my actions.” Anna chokes on her words, hitting on her own chest with her hand.
There are tears roaming down freely on her face now. Bucky can see the honest regret into her words and something in the back of his skull tells him he shouldn’t blame her and that, rationally, it’s not her fault, not entirely at least. But there’s something feral surging inside him. Something he’s never felt before… a primal emotion… a consuming and agonizing need to… to protect. To keep the object of this powerful feeling, safe, guarded, shielded, unharmed.
“Please, say something.” She implores, reaching out for him.
“Do you have any idea of what could’ve happened?” He shouts, the tormenting feelings inside him escape in an outburst as he jerks his arm away from her touch, making her recoil, “I don’t care about how you were feeling or what you felt it was better for me, they could’ve been hurt or… or worse… because of you…” He points an accusing finger at her.
She shivers under his hard glare, but doesn’t say anything, shutting her eyes closed.
“And you lied? You- you knew it…” He starts pacing from one side to the other on his living room, betrayal lacing his voice, “You knew it, Anna, and instead of telling me, you came up with that fucking trip-“ He halts, to stare at her, “You- you fucking manipulated the whole situation. You manipulated me.” He shouts even louder, “You didn’t have the right.” He bites his lower lip, shaking his head at her, “You didn’t…I trusted you.”
“Bucky, I-I didn’t mean, I thought…I-“. She fumbles with her words and moves towards him, but pauses when he steps back.
“I can’t do this, I can’t talk to you right now.” He turns around, dipping his fingers in his locks. He’s too angry, too defensive. That protective urge ruling his thoughts and actions. He’s afraid of what he might say… might do. He could tear the world apart right now…
He takes a deep breath as his arms drops and he turns to her again, noticing how she’s shrinking into herself, pleading eyes on him.
Her breaths are short and fast before she licks her lips to try to speak again, “Bucky-“
“I think you should leave now and we shouldn’t see each other… at least not for a while.” He pulls on a steadier, calmer voice, averting his eyes and folding his arms in front of his chest, biting on the inside of his cheeks.
The room is quiet when he hears the shuddering breath she takes, but he doesn’t look back at her. He simply can’t.
“I get it.” She mutters, “You ́re angry and don’t blame you. I just want you to know I never meant to hurt you… That’s the last thing I’ve ever wanted.” She reaches for his elbow, and this time he doesn’t pull away. His eyes meet her sad ones, taking in the sorrow resting on her face.
He feels his chest tightening, making it hard to breathe. It’s not just anger… He’s sorry, too. Sorry for the emotions he feels slipping through his fingers, the feelings he had when he looked at Anna… The admiration, the safety, the love- yes love. It’s not like the love he feels for you, not at all, but it was a love after all. Something else pricks at the pit of his stomach… an emergent sense of guilt… his old pal. Somehow, this, all this mess, it’s his fault. He’s damn sure of that.
Swallowing down the turmoil, his jaw tenses. He finds nothing to say to her.
Anna nods slowly, aiming her gaze down as she withdraws her hand from him and swiftly moves towards the door.
With his back turned to her, Bucky hears it when she opens the lock.
“You know…” Her small, but now steadier voice resounds from behind him, “I once said there was no deal breaker for me when it came to you and me…” He can sense the sad smile through her words, “I…I just couldn’t guess that, in the end, I would be the one to break us.”
When she leaves, Bucky lets out a deep breath. Without thinking twice, his feet take him to his room. Sitting down on his bed, he reaches for the little jumpsuit beneath his pillow. A calming rush sweeps into his tormented chest and, through it all, a stubborn little smile makes its way to his lips.
He finally realizes…
He already is a father…No one can take that away from him. Not even himself.
All he hopes is to not fuck this up even more.