Chapter 16
“Will you want to know?”
“Know what?” Your brows knit at Nat, who stands by the examination bed with Wanda at her side.
“The sex of the baby, of course.” She rolls her eyes as Wanda giggles.
“Oh, I’m not sure, to be honest…”
“I’m dying to know.” Wanda smiles, “But it’s your call, of course.”
You smile back at her and wonder if Bucky would want to know… Your conversation with him happened the day before and you didn’t feel right to let him know then about the ultrasound scheduled for today. You didn’t want to overwhelm him when he seemed so lost… so unsure…
“Do you know this medical team Tony hired?” Wanda asks, taking you out of your trail of thoughts.
“Ahm, yeah, I went through a first appointment with one of the doctors already to tell my and the baby’s medical history. They’re experts, the best of the best, Tony said,” You add fondly. With the secret gone, you feel more comfortable with doing the prenatal care and everything else at the Tower’s med bay, the most advanced medical place you could ask for. Tony jumped with happiness when you asked him about doctors. He hired a whole new team with expertise in both obstetrics and genetics, considering the fatherhood of the baby.
You still don’t know if you’re raising the kid at the Tower, but you’re damn sure if you don’t watch it, this child would be spoiled to rotten by those uncles and aunts.
“Did you call Bucky?” Nat asks, trying to act with nonchalance about the question.
You’re about to answer, when you see Wanda’s face lighting up. “She didn’t have to.” She beams.
Squinting your eyes at her, you don’t have time to ask for an explanation when you hear a soft knock on the door, catching the attention of the three of you. Your heart races when you see his face peeking through the door, which is a tad open.
Bucky.
“Hey… May I come in?” The timid ask is directed at you as his head is tilted slightly down and his eyes are looking up at you through his lashes.
“Yes, of course.” It slips from under your breath easily as you try to keep the smile on your face from getting too big. He’s there, which makes your chest melt, but you don’t know on what terms yet.
Placing his hands on his back pockets, he approaches you as his shoulders pull together and his lips tighten in a thin line. You notice he’s trying to make himself small, looking almost apologetic, as if he didn’t really feel like he has the right to being there. All you want is to scream how much you want him there with you, but you hold yourself back, to first understand what his presence means.
“Barnes,” Natasha calls as he gets to the other side of your bed, facing your friends.
It’s only then Bucky seems to notice there’s more people in the room, lifting his gaze, up till now fixed on you, to Nat and Wanda both stare at him with little smirks on their lips.
“Oh, hey…” He blinks, seeming lost for a moment.
“Hey… Well, now that you’re not alone,” Wanda claps her hands, “We can wait outside, right, Nat?” She aims a pointed look at your other friend.
“What? Come on, Y/N said we may be able to see the sex today. I wanna check whether this baby is a traitor or not.”
“Ok, bye. We’ll talk to you guys later.” Wanda ignores her protests completely while she pulls a very unhappy Nat by the hand.
You can’t help but chuckle and when you look at Bucky you catch him doing the same. For a moment, you two stay like this, gazing at each other, with silent smiles curling the lips of the two of you. You’re the one to let the smile drop first, being shortly followed by him, the unresolved questions rushing into your mind and lingering between you two.
“Hey-”
You two start talking in unison but, once again, someone at the door catches your attention.
“Hello, hello.” Doctor Nadine, the one you had talked previously barges in, eyes focused down on her tablet while she walks inside the examination room, “I see momma is already here, very good, “ When she lifts her gaze to your direction, her eyes lay on Bucky, “Oh, and the baby daddy?” She raises her eyebrow. The medical team is aware of the fatherhood of the baby, but her surprised expression shows she wasn’t expecting to find him there, an assumption she made because you told her yourself the baby’s father wasn’t around.
You turn a questioning look at Bucky, only to find expectancy through his gaze on you.
“Yes,” The answer comes from the lips of both of you together.
He lets out a breathy smile as your heart leaps in your chest. He’s there. He’s really there.
He stands beside you, straightening his posture and giving Doctor Nadine his full attention as she professionally resumes the procedures for the ultrasound, giving some explanations as she does so. She reaches for the ultrasound transducer to spread the gel on your stomach and you watch his eyes navigating to the spot. The first time he sees your growing belly. The instant and new interest coloring his gaze makes you swallow down the intense feelings bubbling in your chest.
“Ok, let’s take a look at our little bear down here, ha, there it is,” The doc says, gently moving the transducer in circles as the image, that now seems more and more like a baby, appears on the screen, gaining your attention.
A wide grin spreads twists your lips. You’ve done this a number of times already, but you never cease to marvel at the feeling and the sight of having a life growing inside you. The sound of a sharp inhale makes you look at its direction. Bucky. Your smile gets even bigger as tears start to gather in the corner of your eyes. His gaze is transfixed on the screen and his lips part slightly.
That’s when the sound of accelerated heartbeat reverberates around the room.
“Oh,” the strangled noise slips from Bucky as his eyes widen.
You’ve been hearing the wonderful sound regularly, but this time, with Bucky there – completely astonished and in awe- it seems like it’s the first time all over again. You let out a watery laugh, aiming your gaze to the screen where your baby keeps moving around and changing position in your belly, like they’re putting on a show to you. You pity the fact you don’t get to feel them much, yet.
“It’s something isn’t it?” The doctor says.
“Yes, yes it is.” Bucky whispers and you glance and smile at each other for an immeasurable moment.
You’re not sure you can quite comprehend how you’re feeling right now. Seeing your baby so healthy on the screen, listening to their heartbeat and having Bucky, the father of your child, the love of your life right next to you. All the fear you’ve been feeling of doing this alone starts to shrink…
He’s there.
The doctor continues with the examination, she explains that everything seems alright and progressing as expected, despite the recent accident, which incites a sigh of relief to come out of your lungs.
“Ok…” The doctor concentrates, moving the transducer over your belly, “The little bear seems very excited in showing off to us… if they only stopped…” She narrows her eyes at the screen making you two follow the direction of her gaze, “Ha-ha, there it is.” She stops moving and focus at one spot, “Oh, I’ve never asked that, do you guys want to know the sex? Because I’ve just got the answer.”
“Oh, I guess I’d rather wait?” You turn to Bucky, “What about you?”
His glossy eyes widened for a moment, and as he looks down at you he seems taken aback, like he’s surprised to be included in the decision.
“I- ahm, I-I think I’d like to know, but, ahm I-I understand if this is something you don’t want…” He stammers, brushing the back of his neck and you feel your gut clenching at how lost he might still be feeling about the whole situation and his part on it.
“Would you keep a secret?” You lift an eyebrow at him.
“Of course.”
“Is it ok if you only tell him?’ You ask Doctor Nadine who seems somewhat amused by the scene.
“Of course,” She smiles, “We can go to the office next door and seize the opportunity to schedule a date for a screening of the Super daddy. There’s a lot we need to talk about.” She states, referring to the serum on his system, and proceeds to clean the gel up from your belly.
Bucky nods at her, but a crease appears on his forehead when he stares down at you, “Are you sure? I don’t wanna impose-”
“That’s not what you’re doing, Bucky.” You assure, “You’re the father, you’re not imposing. You have as many rights as I have when it comes to our baby.”
His whole face seems to light up when you say “our baby” and you can’t ignore how fuzzy and warm your chest become at hearing the same words.
“Ok, let’s go, dad”, Doctor Nadine claps her hands and walks towards the adjacent room, which Bucky quickly follows with a huge grin plastered on his lips.
You chuckle, pulling down your top. You step up from the bed to go to the bathroom, your bladder trying to murder you as usual. Despite you preferring to wait, you can’t help but to feel anxious at the thought that Bucky would right now be finding out whether the baby is a boy or a girl. As you think about it, you understand why he chose to know, why it seemed so important to him.
That’s the first thing he’s taking part about the baby. The one thing he would know ahead of you, after months of staying in the shadows. You understand it’s not about a competition, but it’s more of a way for him to form a bond with the baby that would be only his and now you feel kind of glad you didn’t want to know. You smile. You’re happy that he can have this.
After you wash your hands you open the bathroom door at the same time Bucky is coming out of the Doctor’s office and into the examination room. He has a picture of the ultrasound in one hand as he uses the other to wipe the tears falling from his red rimmed eyes.
When he spots you, he lets out a sob that is soon followed by a wide and watery smile.
“Don’t tell me.” You point a warning finger at him as your heart rushes inside you.
A breathy laugh escapes his lungs, “I promise.” He places the hand with the picture over his chest and raises the other one with two fingers up in a promising sign.
“Don’t tell anyone, by the way, not even Steve… Or Nat.” You tilt your head as you walk towards him.
“I won’t.” The sentiment he pours on his gaze as you approach him would be disconcerting if it wasn’t so damn craved, “Nat might use some kind of torture on me, though,” He mocks.
“She definitely will.” You wiggle your brows and you both laugh quietly.
A comfortable silence, one that you haven’t felt in years in his presence, settles. You could get used to that, to having that kind of peace around Bucky.
“Ahm,” He clears his throat as something seems to come up to him, “Doctor Nadine asked you to get in,” He points back towards the office’s door, “She has some exams to schedule with you.”
“Oh, yeah, right,” You reach for your bag on the hanger next to you and move to get into the office.
“Y/N?”
You turn back to him.
“Do you wanna go grab a cup of coffee or something after?” He asks shyly, before biting the corner of his lower lip.
“Yeah.” You nod right away and you see him taking in a deep breath, “Sure, just… wait for me.” You beam, before ushering yourself into the office.
~~~
As you both wait for your orders, sitting in front of each other at a table by one of the Pastry Shop’s windows- that cute one you’ve been avoiding for so long but decided that today would be the day to give in- you ramble about every little detail of what being pregnant has been so far. Bucky only interrupts you to ask for more details. He seems drawn to every little story about morning sickness and weird cravings you’ve had till this day.
You’re more than pleased to satisfy every curiosity he might have. In fact, it feels so damn good to finally being able to talk to him about your baby as the air seems lighter and lighter between you two; it feels like you’re finally getting that peace you’ve been longing for.
Only when the waitress approaches the table with your orders on a tray, you manage to stop talking as your lips curl in an anticipating grin.
“Here it is darlings, lemon pie and coffee for the gentleman,” She places Bucky’s order in front of him, “And, chocolate lava cake and cocoa for the lady, ugh, I’m jealous.” She winks at you and you laugh at her, “Enjoy,” she smiles, before sauntering away.
While you gawk at the world of chocolate in front of you, you’re unaware of how the blue of Bucky’s eyes hold a longing gaze and he’s unable to focus on anything else around him but you. You definitely don’t catch the sweetness of the longing on his eyes giving place to a sharp melancholy.
“Mmmm,” you moan, stare fastened on your cake. You lick your lips, grabbing your fork, ready to dig in.
“I’m sorry.”
The hushed words come unannounced as your hand stops midair.
You swallow down and slowly lay your fork by the plate again, your gaze following the move. You’re not sure if you’re ready to give up on the easiness you’ve been experiencing so far… but thinking there’s where the relationship of the two of you would go right away would be nothing but naïve of your part. You know there’s still much that needs to be said…to be thought of.
The air falls heavy on your shoulders.
“What for?” You whisper, finally lifting your gaze to him, meeting his pained and pleading eyes.
He bites his lips and lets out a humorless laugh while shaking his head, “Where to start?” His expression goes serious again, “Maybe for lashing out on you when you called me that night.” He adds in a low voice.
“No.” You frown, moving your head in a dismissive way, “No, Bucky… I could’ve handled it better.”
“You had just found out.” He states firmly, “I can only imagine how you were feeling and you called me right away… I was nothing but rude.” He looks down and you can see him running his tongue over the inside of his cheeks, “I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t know, Bucky.” You try to argue. The sorrow on his face being almost too much for you to take.
“Yeah, but it had been a while since we last talked and the first time you called me in the middle of the night I’m a sucker.” He scoffs at himself, “I’m sorry, please.”
The plea on his voice makes you understand how important it is for him that you accept his apology and, for him, you do, “Ok. But I’m sorry, too.” You nod.
“And then for waiting days until I get to you after I found out,” he swiftly adds.
“It’s ok, really. I know it wasn’t easy for you to find out that way.”
“It’s just…” He fidgets with his finger over the table, “I-I got so scared… All I thought about was the many ways I could fuck this up.” He looks up at you.
Your lips close in a taut line as your heart clenches. You know how hard it can be for him… with his past, the self-doubts and self-loathing. You recognize them damn well. You wish you would’ve been a better support for him, but all you managed was to reinforce that darkness in him. You still know that.
A faint and cold touch finds your hand over the table and your eyes drop to see his metal hand covering yours, “I’m sorry for running away from you. From us.”
You skip a breath at the words and at the sentiment in his voice. When your gaze finds his face again, he’s staring closely at your joined hands, the tenseness of his jaw evident.
“Bucky…” you breathe; pulling your hand to your lap, as his shuts in a fist and remains there where you left it.
“Anna told me,” he says, without looking at you.
Your eyes round up for a second, “Told you what?”
“That she knew,” he worries his upper lip between his teeth, before looking up at you, “That she went to talk to you before, what she said to you…” He gulps down, “Before your accident.”
Your lips part as you hold his gaze. You didn’t expect her to tell him. You’re not even sure if you wanted him to know about that. You know it would lead to some kind of drama, that people might relate the accident with what happened before and… The look on Bucky’s face. His eyes gleam with regret, his jaw is tight with restrained anger. That’s exactly what you were trying to avoid.
“Bucky, I don’t know what you’re thinking, but it’s not her fault.” You rest your forearms on the table, leaning closer to him, “I don’t blame her, not at all. I should’ve known better than to drive when I-” You sigh, letting your head drop for a moment, before focusing on him again, “I don’t think it’s wise to keep searching for people to blame. What happened, happened and that’s it. We need to move forward.”
“She didn’t have the right, and she knew about your pregnancy since Steve’s birthday party. She invented this trip…” His face scrunches up as he looks to the other side.
You see he’s angry, but it’s not just it. The curve on his lips, the threat of tears in his eyes… he’s also sad, hurt. The regret comes out of his pores as his fist clenches over the table. God, how you wanted to hold him and tell him everything’s fine, but… would it be the truth?
“Are you two, ahm…” You falter, you’re not sure how to ask the question or even if you should ask it all.
He looks down, before grabbing his cup of coffee to take a sip of it, “I’m not sure. I don’t know where we stand anymore,” He puts the cup down and glances at you, understanding the nature of your half made question, “I can’t see her or talk to her right now… I don’t know if it will ever change.”
“Bucky…” You say softly, “I think you should talk to her… really listen to her, if not right now, soon. I know it’s not my place to say this and…” You sigh, “But she’s been there for you for so long and she… she really loves you, I can see that.”
The frown on his forehead grows deeper at you.
“I think you should see things from her point of view for a minute. That’s what I did.” You continue, trying to explain where you’re coming from, “She caught herself in the middle of a pretty messy situation… Maybe she acted, well…” You twist your lips, using a second to think of the right thing to say, “I mean, she may have made some mistakes, but I don’t think she’s the only one to blame here, you know that, right?” Your voice is soft, hoping he doesn’t take it as you’re chastising him, which you’re not, you just wish him to see the bigger picture.
The line between his eyebrows is deep as he his eyelids droop and he absentmindedly starts playing with the cup of coffee in front of him. You see he’s processing… absorbing your words, before he speaks again, not looking back at you right away, “Yeah… I know what you mean, I dragged her into the mess.” He keeps circling his finger around the ceramic of his cup of coffee “I made her believe I could love her like-” He swallows down the word and glances up at you.
“It’s not your fault either, Bucky. Not entirely, at least.” You’re quick to say and shrug, “We’re all grown up here. We all may be a little fucked up.” A small frown tugs at the corner of your lips, “But we’re adults and responsible for our decisions, Anna inclusive. It doesn’t mean we have to be punished by our mistakes for the rest of our lives.”
He nods slowly, “You’re right, but…” He presses his lips together, “I don’t know… I know I have to talk to her eventually, but not right now…” He shakes his head, nibbling at his lower lip.
“Ok… alright,” You sooth, “Whatever you feel like it’s the right thing for you.”
Once again he nods, and keeps silent, focusing on his hands on the table as he inattentively pick at his nails. You know it’s weird for him to talk about Anna with you, and, if you’re honest, it is definitely weird for you, too. But you’re so tired of unsaid words, untouched subjects. You want a new path for you, for the both of you.
You grab your up till now forgotten cocoa and bring it to your mouth, taking a deliberately long taste of the drink which is getting colder by the minute. Despite the air becoming thicker, it doesn’t feel uncomfortable. Considering you two haven’t really spoken without ending up in a fight or any other kind of distress for the two of you since you came back, now it feels like you two are truly beginning to find a pace to work things out or at least to share your feelings honestly. This is why you take courage to continue. There’s something you two still need to settle.
“Bucky,” you call and his gaze meets yours, “Listen.” You clear your throat, “I’m so happy you’re in this with me, with the baby.” You curl your lips in a smile, which he mirrors, before your expression falls serious and steady again, “But we’re inevitably gonna be in each other’s life if we wanna do it right.” You lick your lips, before asking the question that’s been pricking at the back of your skull, “Are you sure you can handle that? I mean… being around? You wanted distance before…” You can’t help the small quiver of your voice.
“I don’t think this is what I want anymore.” He sighs and, for the second time that day, he reaches for your hand over the table. “I don’t think this is what I ever really wanted.” His words are barely a whisper and he slowly raises his gaze from your linked hands to your face.
This time, you don’t let go and brings your other hand on top of his, trying to ignore your heart racing stubbornly inside your chest to say what you want and need to say, eyes bored into his, “You know…I’ve never felt anything as deep, as strong and so fantastically breathtaking as how I’m feeling about this baby.” You breathe, as tears tug at the corners of your eyes.
Softness shimmers on his eyes at your words, “I-I… it’s the same for me.” A beautiful smile spreads across his face.
“And it’s only getting started, Bucky.” You lean closer, drawing little slow circles on the back of his hand with your thumb as you tighten your hold, “I really think we should focus on understanding how we’re feeling about our baby, on preparing ourselves to love this child, to take care of them, and hopefully don’t screw them up too much.” You let out a breathy, watery smile, before focusing on what you want to say again, “That’s all we should think about right now, on getting stronger, individually and as parents. For our baby.”
His eyes shut for a moment and he breathes in, before his gaze fixed on your hands again.
“I wanna do it right.” You continue, leaning your head so your eyes would search for his. You need him to understand. “I don’t want us to hurt each other anymore, I wouldn’t bear this… that’s why I think we should leave what happened, what didn’t work out, behind. We didn’t work out as a couple, Bucky…” You gently say, with no trace of bitterness of accusation, “But maybe we still have a chance as… co-parents or whatever?” Sniffing, a watery small chuckle leaves your lungs.
Your breath sticks in your lungs as you wait for him to answer. You don’t let the hold on his hand loosen, as if he would slip through your fingers if you let him. You want him to stay. You need him to stay. You thought you could do it alone, but the taste of having him there with you proved you wrong. You need him.
His lips are slightly parted as his eyes roam over every little corner of your face, studying you, taking you in. When he seems satisfied with whatever he finds, his lips close and form a small smirk, “You’re changed.” He observes, “I’ve noticed it yesterday already. You’re so… self-possessed, serene.”
You chuckle, dropping your head for a moment, before looking up at him with a shy smile on your lips, “Don’t tell my therapist that, she’ll definitely want a raise.”
He laughs quietly, and when he lets go of your hands it’s not with hatred, nor regret, nor anything like that. “I agree with you. You’re right.” He nods, “ Everything for our little - ugh,” His metal hand flies to cover his mouth as his eyes round at the almost slip, “Baby. Our little baby,” He adds, cringing.
“James Buchanan Barnes.” You scoff, eyeing him warily.
“I’m sorry,” He raises his hands, “I’ll be careful, I promise.”
“You better.” You point a finger at him, “Or Nat torturing you would be the least of your concerns.”
As you share a laugh, you exchange a silent look laced with hope and…peace. You know it won’t be easy. Not at all. But you two can do this and that’s exactly what you say.
“We can do this, Bucky.”
“Yes. Yes, we can.”