Chapter 14
“You’re one strong little bean, aren’t you?” You smile to your belly, caressing it lazily with your good hand while having the other wrapped in an orthosis, “You must’ve taken it from your daddy.”
A shuddering breath takes the place of your smile and your head falls back to the inclined hospital bed as reality sinks in. You’ve been regaining your senses in the last few minutes, and you’re starting to fully understand what has happened. They said you were in a car accident and hit your head, making you unconscious. Luckily the passenger from the other car was ok and so were you and your baby, despite some scratches and an injured wrist. Through your stupor you’ve managed to say you were pregnant and the hit might’ve gotten you confused, since you now remember they said something about a fiancée at some point.
“I’m sorry little one,” you whisper as a single teardrop slips from your eye. What a great mother you already are. You’ve promised to protect your baby, you’ve felt strong enough for it, inclusive to make yourself safe enough to take care of them and the first time you feel a little unbalanced you manage to let all of that behind and put your baby at risk. The thought of what could’ve happened makes your chest tight.
You still have a lot to work on yourself. It’s more than clear now.
A series of knocks on the door grabs your attention. “Yes?” you say, after wiping your cheek with the back of your hand.
“Hey,” Wanda’s head pops in from behind the door, “Can we come in?”
You can’t help but let out a small chuckle when three other heads find space in the doorframe to peek at you. Nat, Sam and Steve.
“Of course.” You wave them in.
Wanda and Nat take the lead in propping the door wide open and rushing to your sides, “How are you feeling?” Nat looks down at you, carefully sitting on a small space beside you on the bed, the crinkle between her eyebrows an expression of her concern.
“I’m ok, thanks.” You nod at her and then at a just as apprehensive Wanda, who places her hand over your right one, which hasn’t been affected by the accident.
“You scared the hell out of us, darling.” Wanda squeezes your hand gently.
“I scared myself, to be honest,” You admit, giving her a knowing look, before turning your face ahead to see your two other visitors standing by the end of the bed.
Your eyes narrow at the sight. Steve is using one hand to support his elbow as the other he uses to cover his mouth. His brows are furrowed as he looks at you, seemingly on the verge of tears. At his side, Sam has his arms crossed in front of his chest and he’s barely holding back a smile on his face.
“Ahm… hello, guys?” You tilt your head at them as your eyes narrow further.
“I fucking knew it,” Steve blurts out, as he swings his arm to the side with the palm turned up, uncovering his mouth and revealing a watery smile.
You almost jump in the bed when Sam lets out a full laugh, clapping his hands. Raising your both eyebrows, you turn to Nat for help.
“Oh yeah,” she says nonchalantly, “The doctor totally spilled the beans and the word about our little peanut is out.” Nat smiles, tapping fondly your belly.
“What?” You yelp, snapping your face back at Steve and Sam and catching the smiles still unyielding on their faces.
“To be honest, for me it was just a confirmation,” Steve fills his lungs with pride, “No one seems that sick around my cologne and you had never not drunk whiskey in a party before.”
You gulp down, entirely unprepared to deal with more people knowing about your pregnancy. Despite the feeling of not having to keep a secret all the time being liberating and the happiness plastered on Steve and Sam’s reactions being nothing other than heartwarming, there’s still so much to think about, to consider…
In a second, both of them take Wanda’s and Nat’s places, positioning themselves on each side of you, “Are you and the peanut ok? How far are we?” Sam asks and the endearment on his words is enough for you to let any worries aside.
You allow a huge grin on your face, “We’re just fine and on our 14th week.” You turn to a clearly emotional Steve as your lips curl down, before continuing, “I’m sorry I didn’t get to tell you guys. I was just… waiting, I guess.” You avoid getting into more details at that moment.
“Don’t worry,” Steve shakes his head, “We’re just glad the two of you are ok.”
He places his hand on your shoulder and you lean your cheek over it, accepting the comfort of his words and gentle touch.
“Hey,” Sam catches your attention, “How did it happen?” He nods towards your few injuries.
“It seems like I overran a red light.” You shrug.
“They told us that, but…Y/n, you’re the best driver I know, something must’ve happened to make you take a slip like that.” He crosses his arms again, tilting his head.
You don’t know how to answer. You were certainly emotionally distressed and not thinking clearly. You know that under normal circumstances you would never let that happen. But telling them that would mean you would have to tell all about the conversation you had a few minutes before the accident, and God knows how much you don’t want any more drama…
“Come on… It’s not the time right now. We can talk about this later.” Wanda says, cutting through the silence your lack of response caused.
While everyone’s attention is on you, your eyes meet Wanda’s and you see it in the way she’s looking intently at you, keeping her jaw tight if to hold back what’s on her mind. She knows… if she’s seen it by accident or not, you wouldn’t know, but you aim a thankful look at her.
“How did you guys find out I was here?” You asked, breaking the silence, hopefully turning the subject towards a different direction.
It doesn’t slip from your attention when Steve and Sam shift on their feet, while Wanda and Nat exchange glances.
“Do you know who your emergency contact is?” Steve bites his lips and places his hand into his pockets.
Your eyes narrow, trying to remember when was the last time you even thought about that…
Oh shit.
You freeze, staring at the girls with wide eyes.
“The hospital called Bucky.” Nat purses her lips. “And Anna called Steve while they drove here from the airport. Apparently they were going on a trip.”
“He’s here?” You whisper, already feeling your body shrinking into yourself.
“He was.” Steve answered, “He said he was your fiancé to get info on you.” He adds with a smirk.
Oh…you don’t ignore the jump of your heart at the information, but you have to focus on breathing…does that mean he-
“That’s how the doctor spilled the beans.” Wanda says, nodding as she shares a knowing look with you. “He told Bucky you and your baby were fine.”
The ice cold rush hits your spine like a bomb before waving down your whole body. “Oh, God,” you let out a whisper as your hand grips on the sheets beside you.
He knows. He knows. He knows…
The thought repeats inside your mind at the same rhythm of your thundering heart, as you avoid looking at anyone, trying to not give away how helpless Bucky knowing makes you feel. That’s not how you wanted for him to find out about your baby. Not in the slightest.
You listen to Sam saying Bucky got static staring at the doctor like he was from mars or something like it and then he just left… Anna on his toes. Steve tried to call him, but he didn’t answer.
"Y/N…” Steve speaks more sternly and you look up at him, seeing his equally stern eyes, which could, even like this, express a deep sympathy the way only Steve could, “He’s the father, isn’t he?”
You breathe in harshly and blink a few times, letting the inevitable question sink in. Before you have time to answer in anyway, a soft knock comes from the door, which catches everyone’s attention, but Steve’s, whose gaze remains stuck on you. Trying to ignore it, you watch as Nat walks to the door and opens it. As the door is opened towards you, all you see is her devilish little smirk at the one behind it.
“H-hi, can I come in?”
You smile at the familiar voice.
Natasha nods and step aside to give room to Harry, who, as soon as he steps in with his Harry Potter t-shirt and spots you,he makes a beeline towards you. But when he glimpses Steve and Sam at your sides he halts at the end of the bed, almost tripping on his feet right beside Wanda. She holds back a chuckle and so do you.
“Hey, how are you?
Your grin goes bigger, “I’m fine, Harry. Thanks for coming all the way here. How did you find out?” Your forehead creases.
“Oh, ahm, Blac-, uh, your friend Natasha,” He points his thumb back at her, “She called me through your phone and told me what happened.” He clears his throat, adjusting his glasses on his nose, before timidly waving, “Hey, everyone,” He looks at Steve, “Cap-Captain.” He nods.
Steve nods back with a small smile, while everyone waves their hellos.
“Oh yeah,” Natasha moves her shoulder away from the door, before sashaying her hips towards you, “I got your phone and there were zillions of calls from this one,” She winked at Harry, whose ears are about to explode in red, as she takes your phone from her pocket and hands it to you, “So I called him back.”
You are not about to ask how she got your phone, but you are thankful she called Harry. You realize just now how, without you even noticing, he’s become a very important support system to you.
“Ok, we should go now,” Wanda claps her hands, sauntering past Sam to give you a kiss on the top of your head, “We’re already working on your transfer to the Tower’s med bay,” She smiles down at you, “But they said it’s another day of observation, tops, and you’re good.”
“Oh, thank God,” you breathe, “Thanks, Wands.”
“We’re coming to get you in a few,” Sam adds, winking at you.
After winking back at him, you turn to Steve, “We’ll talk another time, I promise.” You press your lips together.
He nods with a small smile, before leaning over to give a kiss on the cheek, “Don’t worry. I’m just so happy for you,” he whispers before moving away.
Natasha is already by the door when she blows you a kiss. They all say their goodbyes to Harry and you wonder if he’ll ever lose the dumbstruck expression at their presence.
With your friends out of the room you turn your gaze to Harry, who moves closer to you, standing by your side.
“Ugh, I keep forgetting you’re an Avenger,” He puffs, crossing his arms and nodding towards the door.
You laugh softly, before casting your eyes down and biting your cheek.
“Are you really ok?” He takes a step closer, his head angling to the side as he looks down at you.
You suck in a breath, “It depends,” you look up at him, feeling your eyes as tired as the rest of you, “Physically, yeah.” You shrug.
“What happened?” He asks, pulling a chair to sit next to your bed. The genuine concern on his tone warming your restless heart at least at bit.
“He knows I’m pregnant…Bucky.” The words burst out of you, “The doctor told him.” You pant.
“Oh… wait? Is he here?”
“Was… picture that,” you snort, “he’s still my emergency contact.”
“Shit,” he grimaces, “But hey, at least it’s out there… You’ve been saying you couldn’t handle the secrecy anymore.” He tilts his chin to the side as he offers an attempt of consolation.
“Yeah… I have been saying that, haven’t I?” You mumble, staring ahead.
“What are you gonna do?” Harry tentative asked, breaking through the small moment of silence.
“I don’t know…” You answer with a shrug before turning to him again, “He just ran away when he found out.” You feel your jaw tensing, “You know… He… Bucky deserves to be happy. I want him to be happy.” You state matter-of-factly, “Me and the baby? I’m not sure we’re the best for him right now…” You place your hand over your belly, turning your gaze away as your conversation with Anna replays in your head. It kills you that you’ve caused him so much pain… He seems better now. Everyone says she’s helped him a lot…It crushes you there’s a possibility that you may get in the way of his happiness again…
When you look back at Harry his lips are a thin line, the corner of his mouth is twitching a bit and his eyes a little wider than normal. You sigh, that’s an expression you’re starting to be familiar with… when he really wants to say something but doesn’t know how.
“Say it.” You nod and indulge him with a small curl of your lips.
“Alright…” He moves on his seat, closer to you, as he rests his elbows on his thighs, “I can’t really speak for you and him, but… God, I think about when I found out about my kids. Me and Lisa were in our honeymoon.”
Your eyebrows pull a bit closer as you tip your head, offering him his full attention. You didn’t know that. Despite spending a lot of time with him the last few days he hadn’t spoken about his wife that much.
“We were just starting our life as a married couple, she had just gotten the job she’s been fighting so hard for so long and the last thing on our minds were kids.” His jaw tightens, “We cried in bed together the whole night. And no, it wasn’t happy tears.” He chuckles softly and shakes his head, “She was a very religious woman and not for a second did she consider an abortion. As for me, I respected her decision even if I was terrified… God knows how damn scared I was…the closer I got to take care of something until then was a tamagotchi.”
In spite of his serious tone, you can’t help let out a small laugh and shake your head, which he follows.
“To be honest, I didn’t want to be a father at that moment. I wasn’t ready and I didn’t want it.” He admits.
“What happened then?” You ask.
“We went to the first ultrasound. At first I was unimpressed by the smudge on the screen,” He makes a face, “I couldn’t see the appeal…” Before he continues, you catch the glint softening his eyes, as the memory flashes in his mind, “But then, their little heartbeats resounded through the room… fast …furiously.” A wide grin spread across his face, “That was the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard and I caught my own heart in my throat.”
You can’t help but smile at the sincere love he pours out with his words as you remember your own first time with the heartbeat of your little one.
“They came in two and they took my breath and my heart away.” Harry sighs “They still do… Most times literally. Try to go to the mall with two 3 year old little devils under a sugar rush…” His eyes widen comically.
Laughing, you reach out and squeezes his hand, “I get it.” You say tenderly, “It’s been the same for me.”
“What I mean is, becoming a parent was life changing for me, even if I wasn’t ready, or even wanted that when it happened… And you say it’s been the same for you… You know Bucky way better than I do. Maybe better than anyone…Do you think he would want to be kept out of it?” Despite the challenging words, his tone is nothing but fond and caring. “Do you want to keep him out of it?”
Do you? The question echoes in your mind as you gulp down. Is leaving Bucky out of the picture the right thing to do?
The questions keep hunting your thoughts on the next day, and then the next one and the day after that…
~~~
After you’re released from the hospital you remain in observation at the tower’s med bay for another day and then you’re completely released with a physiotherapy schedule for your wrist.
The very first thing you do is to set up a session with Heloise. You feel like a complete an utter failure for letting the accident happen. You’d been doing good, in control of your emotions and not being reckless in any way until that day and you just feel like you’ve made no progress at all, which Heloise quickly disagrees. She makes you see you had a breakdown episode triggered by a very emotional moment, yes, and it’s ok considering how good you’d been doing. All you have to do is to accept it and, in her words, to stop being such a “whining preggo” and carry on.
The team couldn’t have taken the news of your pregnancy better. It seems like the Avengers are truly a bunch of uncles and aunts just waiting for a kid to spoil. Tony is the most thrilled, you dare say, going as far as starting to reform an entire floor for you and your baby.
Your protests and attempts to tell him you’re not even sure if you’re staying at the tower fall on death ears.
Nobody mentions the fatherhood of the baby again, but you know the subject lingers in the air. You’re grateful they keep it that way. You really want to talk to Bucky first… eventually.
The next days you spend without a single word from Bucky. You don’t try to reach out either. You’re too scared to do so. You know he’s in town, cause Steve subtly gives you the information during dinner. But that’s all.
While the avoidance game you’ve grown so used to play right now doesn’t blow up in your face, like you know it will without a doubt in the world, you follow Heloise’s advice by heart and try to move on with your life.
That’s why you’re now full of bags in one hand, being followed by a just as packed Wanda to your room, after a tour through a series of maternity shops. You couldn’t help yourself and visited a few baby shops, too. With the secrecy gone, it’s the first time you buy something for your baby and it’s been more fun than you ever imagined.
“I can’t believe how tiny this is,” Wanda gushes, sprawling one of the jumpsuits you’ve bought on your bed, where she’s sitting, after you get into your room and leave the many bags around the floor.
Sitting right next to it, you admire the small piece of fabric. It’s white, with little green hearts all over it. Beaming, you imagine your baby in it, wondering how they would look like…
“And these, oh my God, I can’t deal with these,” Wanda squeaks, pulling a micro pair of sneakers out of one of the bags.
Chuckling, you reach out and she hands them to you, “I can’t believe you convinced me to buy these… I doubt the baby will wear it more than once or even at all.” You shake your head, not resisting to bringing the tiny shoes to your nose and relishing at the adorable baby smell.
“Oh, you’re gonna need good shoes alright, it’s a super soldier’s kid after all, this baby will run marathons before we even know it-“ She pauses when she spots your smile falling, “Oh, honey…” She places a hand on your cheek.
Your head drops and you shrug, “He didn’t even call me…” You stare at the pair of sneakers on your lap. You hate you’re feeling like this. In the end, you were hoping he would want to talk to you, even if it were to yell at you, blame you for not telling him or saying he wanted nothing at all with you or your baby… it would kill you, but you would prefer that at the complete silence.
“Hey,’ Wanda lifts your chin with her finger, “Everything will be alright.” She gives you a sweet smile and despite you doubt it very much, she says it with so much conviction you smile back at her, letting her comforting words reach your heart.
At your request, Wanda hasn’t told anyone about what she saw in your mind of your conversation with Anna and hasn’t even touched the subject with you again. She did seem displeased about the subject, but she’s one of your sisters, of course she’s biased.
“I love you. You know that, right?” You say in a low,soft voice.
Her lips grow even wider, “Of course I do. And I know you’ll love me even more when head to the kitchen to grab us some sandwiches…. Nutella and peanut butter, how about that?” She wiggles her eyebrows.
Your mouth waters. The smartass little witch. “If I didn’t know better, I would say you’re reading my mind.” You eye her.
“I would never,” She gasped exaggeratedly and places her hand in her heart while getting up, “The things I have to endure in this tower… the accusations…so unfair…” She keeps her chant of faked outraged exclamations while swaggering to leave your room. Not without winking at you before closing the door.
You giggle quietly and shake your head at her antics. You let your back fall down to the mattress and sigh, beholding the little shoe in your hand. It truly is the cutest thing you’ve ever seen…
A few minutes later, a knock on the door makes you hold back a laugh and roll your eyes, ‘You better be knocking because you have my sandwiches in your glowing hands, Scarlet Witch.” You shout before you get up and run to the door, opening it at once.
You halt completely at the sight. It’s not Wanda.
Bucky is the one who stands before you, instead.
You suck in a breath as your heart runs up to your throat. If it’s a second, a minute or several of them you wouldn’t know. But you two spend a moment like this… frozen in time, staring at each other.
It doesn’t slip from your attention the knots on his hair as the locks falls around his face, the deep circles in his eyes, his even thicker and disheveled beard, the crumpled t-shirt…
Your heart shatters.
When your eyes look for his again, you notice they’re not focused on your face anymore. They’re dropped to your hand and you realize you’re still holding the baby sneakers. You instinctively tighten the grip on them.
His blue gaze meets yours one more time before you hear his husky voice, “Is it mine?”
The sting in your chest makes your whole body stiffened as your eyes shut down.
It’s not a surprise he would ask that, you ́ve been imagining scenarios for this conversation in your mind the last few days and in every single one of them that specific question was said, and it is a fair question, you know it is. But in spite of you it hurts… a deafening and profound pain. Deep down this is not how you really wanted to first hear from him, unrealistic as the other option would be, this is not how you wanted it to go… You’re tired, you realize, so damn tired, and you can ́t help the frustration, the anger bubbling in your chest as you snap your eyes open.
“Fuck you, Bucky.” You burst out through clenched teeth, pushing the door to close it.
“No, wait …” He stops you from shutting the door with his hand. “Please…I need… I need to talk.”
You study him and regard the plea plastered not only on his words but into his whole demeanour as he worries his bottom lip between his teeth and his darting eyes roam around your face.
Breathing in a long and hopefully calming intake of air, you step back, opening the door fully as you do so. He’s right. You two need to talk. No more delaying this.
He follows you to inside your room after taking in a deep breath for himself. As you take your seat on the end of your bed, you gesture to the armchair in front of you.
While he tentatively sits down, shoulders pulled together, you watch him glancing at the many bags on the floor, before his gaze turns to the little jumpsuit outspread over the sheets. As much as you try, you can’t read the expression on his face… You keep holding the little sneakers in your hand, as if they’re a shield to protect you from however this conversation goes.
“Yes,” you finally break the silence before he looks up at you with a frown, “It’s yours.” You nod and can’t help the defensive tone to sweep into your voice.
His eyes shut and he hangs his head low, ‘I know, I know…” he mutters, sounding frustrated. You know him too well to understand the frustration is at himself when he raises his gaze back to you, “I knew it from the very first moment I found out… I don’t know why I asked that…” He looks apologetic.
You nod and the tenseness in your jaw is almost painful as the silence settles between you two and his hands clutch his thighs. Your throat hurts with unsaid words, but you hold yourself back, more for selfish reasons than to favor him. You’re not sure what to say just yet, what he wants to hear…
It’s almost a whisper when he speaks again, eyes bored into yours, “That night… when you called me,” he gulps down, “You said you had something important to tell me…” he falters, but he doesn’t really need to finish.
“Yes,” you purse your lips, swallowing back the emotions swelling in your throat, “I had just found out.”
The hurt twisting his features it’s like you’ve just stabbed him, “God,” his head falls down and he dips his fingers into his hair, supporting himself with his elbows on his legs, “I was such a fucking jerk.” He hisses.
The guilt burning your chest on how miserable he looks is stronger than any other of the many feelings inside you right now and you have to refrain from running to him and holding him tightly in your arms, “Bucky, I-“
“You should’ve said it anyway,” He snaps his head to you, eyes red with unshed tears and voice harsh with…anger, resentment. “You should’ve told me over the fucking phone anyway, instead of insisting we should meet in person-”
“You said you had no interest in hearing what I had to say.” The way you shout shuts him up, all your muscles stiff as a rock, “Not if it had anything to do with us,” your voice grows lower, almost weak. The warmth of a tear runs down unbidden over your cheek.
He keeps his mouth shut. Staring at you as his chest heaves.
“I know I could’ve handled it better.” You admit, looking down at the little shoe still in your hand, “But do you think it was easy for me? Hearing how you didn’t want anything to do with what I had to say when I had just found out about our- m-my baby?”
His up till now hardened expression softens and his gaze drops to the sneaker in your hand. Your heart pounds into your chest watching how he bites his trembling lips.
“I did try to tell you at Steve’s party, but-” You sigh, cutting yourself off as your shoulders falls. You don’t want this. You don’t wanna fight him. So you tell him exactly that, “I’m tired of this Bucky… This vicious cycle of us hurting each other, over and over… I really don’t wanna fight you.” You plead, succeeding on steadying your voice.
He reconnects his gaze to yours and you can see how hard he’s trying not to break down, making your chest even tighter. He nods once, “Me neither… I’m sorry.” His soft voice sounds crumbly.
You nod back, sweeping your tongue over your dry lips, “I’m sorry, too.”
“I- ahm- is everything ok with you? Both of you?” His voice is small but you can hear him as he looks down at your belly and fidget with his fingers, “You’re three months long, aren’t you?”
A small smile curls your lips, “Yes, we’re both fine.” You brush your belly with the hand wrapped into the orthosis, “Ahm… It’s counted in weeks nowadays, we’re getting into our 15th together.”
You love to see a small and brief smile twisting his lips as well. The heaviness from moments ago slowly leaving the air.
“The accident,” He frowns, “How did it happen? You’re the best driver I know.” He repeats Sam’s words.
“Oh,” the smile leaves your face, “I just… I got distracted,” You shrug, “Aparently; it happens a lot to pregnant women.” You purposely omit the part where you had an emotional break down after talking to his girlfriend. It’s really not the time, if there will ever be a time to talk about it.
He fixes his gaze on your face, studying you for a moment and you know he’s not really satisfied with your explanation, so you decide to move the subject to something you consider the most important thing at that moment.
“How are you feeling about all this, Bucky?” You ask with no hesitation, dying to know what’s really going through his mind.
His lips part at your question before he looks to the side. Breathing heavily, he uses the back of his hand to wipe a tear that finally escapes from his eye. “I-I don’t know Y/N… I don’t know if I can do this,” he murmurs without looking back at you.
Your stomach drops as you struggle to breathe properly. As much as you understand it can be hard on him, you can’t deny you hoped it would be for him as easy as it was for you to be happy about your pregnancy, despite all the doubts you do have. Instead, he’s a well of insecurities and uncertainties, looking miserable and ashamed to even look at you. God, you hate how vulnerable you feel right now.
A quiet “Oh,” is all that slips from your lips as you instinctively hold tightly the little sneaker, the one you kept secured in your hands this whole time, against your belly.
“It’s all so…I- I’ve never thought this would happen…” His voice is small as he keeps his face away from yours. “Especially not now… you and I, we-”
“Listen, Bucky.” You interrupt him, raising a hand.
His broken gaze meet yours once again and you bite your lip, almost faltering in what you have to say. But you have to, for him… for you, but mostly for your baby. You let the strength gather in your chest.
“I understand how new and unexpected this is…Trust me, it’s all the same for me. And yeah, I completely understand you need some time to think. I just need you to know that, if that’s what you want, I won’t keep you from being a father.”
He shifts in his seat at the word, and it doesn’t go unnoticed by you
“I couldn’t do that.” You continue, keeping your voice surprisingly firm, “Not to you and not to them.” You look down at your belly briefly, before fixing on him, “You have a choice, and whatever you decide you have my acceptance and support.”
You pause and he nods, casting his eyes down.
You sigh, getting to the point you’ve been pondering about all these days and finally decides it’s the right thing for him and all of you, “However, if you’re wondering if this baby will change anything between us, it will not. And I’m sure we’re on the same page here.”
He directs his full attention to you in close knit eyebrows.
You straighten up your posture, “If you want to be a part of this,” You nod down to your belly, “Our relationship will be restricted to this kid, and nothing else. Like you once said and now I agree: this love of ours. It ain’t good for us.” You shake your head, trying to ignore the lump growing in your throat as you say these words.
You’re surprised the mask you’ve put on your face hasn’t crumbled down yet and only hope he doesn’t notice how hard it is for you to say that. It’s not a lie. You truly realized that, despite the tremendous and unyielding love you will always feel for him, you two as a couple hasn’t worked and will never work. You’re finally agreeing with him, but it doesn’t mean it’s easy, not at all.
“Oh, I get it.” His expression is back on being hard as he speaks. Shoulders high and chest puffed, “You’re with that guy from Steve’s party… Harry, right?”
“What?” Your eyes narrow as you’re genuinely confused, not trusting in your ears.
“That’s why you’re telling me all this, you’re with that guy, aren’t you?” He challenges, with his chin up and folding his arms in front of his chest.
Your mouth parts in sheer disbelief, “Oh my God, Bucky…” you get up, dropping the little sneaker on the bed as you bring a hand to your forehead. You turn away from him, trying to breathe and calm down before you would punch the guy in the face, “See?” you briskly turn to him, throwing your arms to the air in exasperation. “We keep ourselves in this lingering loop of hurt, of anger… I need Peace, I need to focus on my baby right now, I don’t need this…”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He raises his hands in a sign of peace, “I’m just… being dumb, I guess. I’m sorry. I’m a fucking mess. It’s… It’s all too much.” He runs his hand over his face, squeezing his eyes shut.
Staring down at him, you take another calming sigh. You really don’t want to fight him anymore. Stepping closer, you kneel down in front of him, placing each of your hands on the arms of the chair. As he holds your gaze, you catch the twitching bone on his jaw.
“Listen…” You say softly, “I’m not with him, or anyone else.” You shake your head…Despite everything, the idea of being with anyone else is still unthinkable to you, “I don’t want a relationship right now. I need to be on my own… me and my baby.”
He remains quiet, just listening to you. Your lighter tone doing little to make his expression lose the hardness.
“And you…” You continue, “You need time to think about all of this, if you want a part in this or not and you need…” You breathe out, “You need Anna.”
His eyes widened for a second before he blinks a number of times. Lips parted slightly, as the hardness on his face vanishes.
“I remember when I first saw you with her,” You force a sad smile to twist your lips, “You ran into the room and swept her into your arms. I’d been back for weeks and hadn’t seen you smile yet.” With a finger you wipe a stubborn tear. You don’t want to cry. You want to remain strong… for you and for him, “You looked so happy in seeing her. The most beautiful smile on your face.” As sadness takes over your features, his face is now stoic… unreadable. You hate when you can’t guess what he’s feeling, “I know how much I’ve hurt you, Bucky. This loop of ours I keep talking about… I know I’m the one who started it… If she made you happy after that… I truly think you need her.”
There. You said it. The sound of your beating heart hammers in your ears as your eyes keeps unyielding on his indecipherable ones. You know that’s exactly how he feels, though. You’re just finally agreeing with what he said to you that night in this same room, which seems like happened ages ago now. You can’t lie to yourself. You said then you would go down with this ship and that’s true, but it’s also true you’re tired of hurting him and yourself. You don’t belong together and if Anna is the one who makes him happy, so be it.
While the sad blue of his eyes fixed on yours, the silence lingers… and it starts to weigh on your shoulders. You need him to be ok, you know he agrees with you, but you get your pregnancy might be a lot for him to take in…Your hand tentatively reaches for his… When he pulls out, you flinch and a sting cuts through your chest.
You’re tired… so damn tired…
“It’s been an exhausting day, Bucky.” You say after a few seconds of heavy silence and swiftly get up, avoiding his gaze this time, “I think you should go home and whenever…” Your eyes flick to him for a split second. He’s not looking at you. “If you make up your mind and realize what you want… we can talk again.” You walk past him towards the way out of your apartment.
You open the door and turn back around. He’s right there with you already and rushes past you without saying a single word, vanishing into the hallway towards the elevator.
When Wanda knocks on the door with a trail of sandwiches you thank her and says you actually need to rest, leaving the sandwiches for later.
When you lumber to your bed, you reach beneath your pillow and grab the little blue velvet box, the one which hasn’t left your side every night since when it was handed to you. A symbol of what you lost… After you glance at the beautiful diamond one last time, you lock the little box inside your safe.
When you lay your weary body down on the mattress and shut your eyes close, trying to drag yourself to sleep, you don’t notice the little white jumpsuit with green little hearts all over it is no longer where you had left it.