Chapter 13
She loves it… The silky touch of his shirt caressing her skin…His smell sweetly mingling with hers. She feels delightfully safe, like it’s actually his arms holding her close, his skin on hers… She loves it and lets her lips curl in a smile as she lazily combs her hair. Sitting on the edge of his bed, Anna hears the shower running in the bathroom.
He invited her to stay once again.
The small curl of her lips drops when she reminds herself that he only does that when he feels insecure…about you. She knows you still have that effect on him. She knows that, despite trying to hide it, Bucky is still in love with you.
And she accepts it. To be fair, she has no choice. The love she feels for him is bigger than anything. Bigger than pride, than the judgment of her colleagues for dating an ex-patient, bigger than her career, bigger than herself…She knows she’s in a messy situation, but it doesn’t matter. She finally gets the chance to live the love she’s been harboring all this time and nothing can beat it.
That ice cold feeling resurges in the pit of her stomach… Fear…
She sighs and gets up, walking around the bed to leave the brush on the nightstand before propping herself on the mattress once again, leaning her back on the headboard and covering her legs with the sheets.
She didn’t mean to eavesdrop. After seeing the way you looked at her and Bucky together she felt like she needed to talk to you. Have a definite and honest conversation to at least stand her ground. That’s why she went after you. But when she got to the bathroom’s door she heard Nat talking about a baby in your belly and she froze.
You’re pregnant.
She takes in a cold, shuddering breath. Does Bucky know? No… She’s sure he would’ve told her something like that by now. He tells her everything… like he told her how he still felt about you and about the encounter you two had on the roof. When was it? Two, three months ago? Fuck… She lets her head fall back to the headboard.
What is she going to do now? What does a baby mean to her relationship with Bucky? If he doesn’t know, she should tell him, right? Is that the right thing to do? And if it is, right for whom? If just seeing you makes him falter, she can’t even imagine what knowing about your pregnancy right now would do to him.
She could lose him… that’s what she’s terrified of. That’s the thought she can’t stand. Not now, when she got a taste of how loving him - really loving him- feels. That’s why her throat and chest are tight enough to make her breaths come out short. That’s why she brings a finger to her mouth and starts chewing on her nail. A habit she’s used to help patients with…
If you didn’t tell him, should she? There’s a chance the baby isn’t his, isn’t there? That guy at the party…Harry… maybe… What if it’s not even Bucky’s and she only creates a problem? And what if it’s his…
The consuming doubts cloud her senses and only when the mattress moves does she notice Bucky is finally out of the shower. While he pulls up the sheets and places himself on the bed, he smiles at her, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. Her heart shatters and she knows the reason for his long shower… Seeing you tonight… It wasn’t easy for him.
“Ready to sleep?” He asks, resting his back on the headboard like her.
“Sure. Thanks for inviting me to stay.”
He tightens his lips before leaning over and placing a small kiss on her forehead. Her eyes flutter shut at the touch.
She cups his cheeks when he moves away, “Are you feeling better now?” Her thumbs draw patterns over his soft beard as he frowns at her, “I know tonight wasn’t easy for you,” she clarifies softly.
His eyebrows rise while his lips part and close a couple of times before he sighs, and his gaze cast down, “I’m sorry,” He whispers.
Her heart sinks, no bearing the sight of his sad, ashamed eyes in front of her. God, the things she could do to never see him like that again… “Don’t be.” She shakes her head when he looks up at her again, “You know I got into this knowing exactly how you feel, Bucky. You don’t have to be sorry for your feelings… not with me.”
The corners of his mouth are curled down when, with his finger, he places a lock of her hair behind her ear, “I wish it was different.” He mutters, turning his face to place a kiss on her palm, before taking her hands into his, holding them between the both of them.
“I know…” She nods. “But you told me you didn’t want to love her anymore. Not after you realized that you two weren’t good for each other.” While she keeps his eyes on him, his gaze is fastened on their joined hands, “Do you still feel that way?”
She watches his bare chest rising as he breaths in a long intake of air. The silence that comes after twists her stomach.
“I- I, I don’t know.” He stutters.
A sharp pain cuts through Anna’s chest and she holds her breath.
Bucky finally lets his gaze meet hers, “I mean, I know that Y/N and I… we don’t do any good to each other.” He licks his lips and gulps before continuing, “But I’m not sure if I- if I’ll ever get this love out of me…” He lets his head drop and shakes it in frustration before looking up at her and letting go of her hands to cup her cheeks, “And I’m scared I’m going to hurt you on the way. That’s the last thing I wanna see happening.”
Anna swiftly leans forward and wraps him in a tight hug, “I love you so, so much, Bucky.” He’s slipping through her fingers and she can terror making her heart race. She can’t let that happen, she would die if it did, “Remember when I said there was no deal breaker for me? I meant it. I can make you happy, I know I can…I-I know you like me, too.” She pants.
“I do. I do.” He soothes her, resting his chin on her shoulder, softly brushing his hand over her back, “You mean so much to me, you have no idea. That’s why the possibility of hurting you is terrifying to me.”
“Let’s go on a trip.” She blurts out as she moves away, keeping her arms around his neck, though.
“What?” His forehead creases.
“Yeah, of course.” She smiles, “I still have remaining stocks of leave not taken. You’re still away from work… We can get out of here. Go anywhere we want. Focus on us and leave everything else behind.”
Bucky ponders for a minute, letting his eyebrows furrow, “Are you sure this is a good idea?”
“Yes, I am, it will be good for us to just get away.” Anna eagerly answers. That’s exactly what they need. More time. More space. Their relationship needs to be stronger, he needs to be more certain of his feelings for her, before…before…
“Ok.” He nods, smiling at her, “I think you’re right.”
She lets out a breathy, relieved laugh and grabs him a tight hold again. They’re together and will remain together. That’s all that matters.
Everything and everyone else can wait.
~~~
Glancing at your phone you realize if you’re don’t hurry up you’ll be late to the group session. You rush to your closet and grab the first t-shirt you see, but before you put it on, your image reflected on the full body mirror catches your eye.
Your breasts. They’re noticeably bigger and you hiss in pain when you put a tentative hand on them. You turn to the side as you roam down your body and stop at your belly. You smile. It’s not exactly remarkably bigger, but you can see the small changes that getting into the 14th week brings to your abdomen. It’s rounder and a little bit higher, and you can feel your old jeans pressing against your skin. Your little bean is growing…It may be time to call Wanda and Nat to pay a visit to those maternity boutiques.
Sighing, you put on your t-shirt. The time passing and the inevitable changes in your body mean that you won’t be able to keep the secret for long. Getting into the bathroom to brush your teeth and pee for the millionth time that day you remember almost telling Bucky at Steve’s party a week ago. What would’ve been his reaction? Well, you guess you’ll find out soon enough. You ponder maybe it’s for the best if it meant Steve would get off your tail. The man suspects something and hasn’t been subtle about it at all. Asking questions, showing up in your room unannounced, insisting on knowing more about Harry…
You can’t help but smile at the thought of Harry. While you and Bucky went back to radio silence, you’ve been talking to Harry daily. Having someone with shared experiences outside the group to talk about what you’re going through has been everything you need. You were nothing but delighted when he said you two should grab a hot-dog from the trailer by the group after today’s session. You’ve been enamored with that trailer since day one but haven’t had the opportunity to try it yet.
With your mouth watering, you hang your bag on your shoulder and grab your car keys before rushing to the door. You’re pacing towards the elevator when pass by the common area. A call of your name makes you stop on your tracks. Through the large, opened glass door you see her.
Anna.
Your lips part slightly at the sight as every muscle in your body tightens up. She’s standing in the middle of the room where you first met her, when you watched Bucky swang her in a hug. You suppress the invasive memory with a sharp breath. She’s dressed much like you, in jeans and a loose t-shirt, sneakers on her feet, her full long hair styled in a messy high bun. She looks casual, simple, very different from the last time you’ve seen her. For a moment, you just stay where you are, fixing a narrowed gaze on her. You’re sure you heard her calling your name but you just can’t pinpoint why she would be there.
“Y/n?” She says again, taking a step forward and folding an arm in front of her to grab on her bicep. “Hi.”
“Hey, ahm… are you waiting for someone?” You tilt your head questioningly, walking through the opened door.
“Actually,” She clears her throat, “I wanted to talk to you…if that’s ok.” She points at the keys in your hand. “You seem to be on your way out?”
Oh… That’s the last thing you expected to hear. You think about turning her down, telling her you’re in a hurry, which would not be a lie, but something inside you longs to know what she could possibly have to say to you.
“That’s ok,” you say, “I still got some time.”
She seems pleased at your answer and points to the couches questioningly. You nod and take a seat on the closest chair to you, holding the car keys tightly over your lap. She positions herself on the couch in front of you.
You feel the air tense, but wait for her to speak first.
“I meant to talk to you at Steve’s party, but the opportunity never came. I think this is long overdue, to be honest.” She speaks calmly and steadily before looking at you, probably waiting for you to say something. When you don’t, she continues, “You know… when I met Bucky, I was his therapist.”
“I know that.” You quickly say, trying to not sound harsh. You’re not sure how to feel about this conversation, or even how to feel about Anna beyond the jealousy that stubbornly insists on taking over your chest every time you see her. But, to be fair, this is entirely on you, not on her. You never really had the chance to get to know her and you’re really not convinced if this is something you’re strong enough to handle.
She gives you a small smile, “You probably also know there’s something about him… something that makes it hard not to fall in love with and I was no exception. Therapist or not.”
You feel her eyes still lingering on you when you turn yours away.
“I think it was even harder for me to fight that feeling, because I got to really, really see him, all the vulnerability under that apparently strong and unbreakable man.” She keeps her calm tone, “You have no idea how he got…when you left.”
At the throbbing pain in your heart, you look back at her. The twitching bone on her jaw betrays the neutrality of the rest of her face. You don’t get why she would come there to tell you this. Maybe the fact you and Bucky had seen each other at the party? Is she insecure about it? You can see the vulnerability in her words, her posture… You recognize it and you can’t help the ounce of empathy to surface in you among all the painful feelings flooding your entire self. You share a love for the same man, after all.
“In all my work years, I’ve met all kinds of broken people, but I’ve never seen such sheer, raw agony in someone… over a lost love.” She pauses, biting her lips.
You have no words to say. Nothing that could express the good old guilt you’ve been feeling every day since the day you left. You really don’t wanna cry in front of her, leaving you with no choice but to hold back the swelling lump in your throat.
“You only got to see the best part of the love you’ve lived together. You didn’t stay to see him shatter.” She breathes and shakes her head, looking down minutely, “I know you love him, I know you want what’s best for him… if you had seen it, maybe you wouldn’t have come back.” Her tone grows a bit harsher than before.
Your eyes widen briefly as she stares at you. A slap on your face wouldn’t hurt as much. Clenching your teeth, you hold back what you’re certain that would be a floor of tears.That’s enough. “Listen, I already know all of this…” you force yourself to speak, still calmly, betraying the turmoil inside your, “And Bucky already asked me to stay away, which I’ve been doing. Us meeting at the party was an accident. I don’t see why you would come here to tell me all of this, but I really need to go.”
You get up, moving to walk away, turning your back to her.
“I know you’re pregnant.”
As an act of pure instinct your hand covers your belly as you freeze in place.
“How?” You tilt your head, not being able to really see her from your position.
“I heard you and Nat talking in the bathroom.”
You turn fully around. As you exchange gazes, you spot the same look you saw at the party, right before she left with Bucky. Fear… You sit back on the chair, placing your arms firmly on the armrests. “Did you tell him?” You ask, tentatively, afraid of the answer.
She swiftly shakes her head and you’re not sure how you feel about the information. “Why did you come here?” You ask, in a low, genuinely curious tone rather than accusing.
“He’s still… fragile when it comes to his feelings for you.” She says, taking her time before choosing the word fragile.
“The fact I’m pregnant doesn’t mean anything… It won’t change our relationship. Not romantically, at least.” You say, letting determination sweep into your words.
“Like I said, he still falters when it comes to you…” Her voice shakes, “If he finds out about the baby now, he won’t be able to free himself from the feelings he has for you like he wants. I know I can make him happy and I’ll always be by his side unless he kicks me.” Insecurity seeps from her words, her pores. “But he and I need time… to solidify what we’re building together. That’s what he wants, you know that.”
“But….” Your eyebrows draw closer, trying to steady your own voice, “He has to know at some point.”
“You didn’t tell him yet, either… why?” She tilts her head.
“That’s really my business.” You draw your bottom lip between your teeth, shifting on the chair.
“Deep down, you know the two of you are bad for each other. Don’t you?”
You let her words roam into your mind and tears finally prick your eyes as the tight control you’ve been keeping so far weakens. You don’t really allow yourself to answer the question. Not to her. Not to you.
“I came here to beg you, Y/N,” the shaky desperation on her voice catches your attention, “Let him set himself free from the strings that keep him tied up to you. Let me take care of him and mend his pieces back together, I know I can do that.”
The way she speaks makes you not sure if she’s saying this more to convince you or her. But it hurts. Deeply. You swallow thickly as you watch her taking in a deep breath.
“We’re going on a trip.” She stands up, clutching on the stripe of her beg, “Overseas. A month or so. We’re meeting at the airport. I told him I had some work related thing to do before boarding.”
She walks closer to you as you look up to meet her eyes clouded with sadness and desperation, “What I’m here to ask you is to give him this time. Allow him to give himself fully to me and be happy, Y/N. Really happy. He, above anyone else, deserves that.”
Instead of giving her an answer, you look to the side, feeling the tight tension in your jaw oozing to your shoulders.
She sighs and walks past you, “I know you’re not a bad person,” Her voice comes from behind you as she stops at the door, “And I know you love him…” She pauses for a second, before whispering, “But he was fine before your return…”
A painful breath fills your lungs before you turn to see her back walking away. You know what she really means. If you truly loved him, you wouldn’t have come back. If you truly love him, you would vanish from his life again.
Is that what you should do? But what about… what about your baby? The abundance of tears cloud your vision as you try hard to fill up your lungs.
You need to get out of there. You need to breathe.
You swiftly get up and when you’re aware of yourself again, you’re already inside of your car, driving out of the garage and allowing the sobs to come out of your throat. Hot tears spilling down your cheeks.
So much damage. You’ve caused him so much damage The enormous guilt and regret you’ve been feeling all this time hits you like a freight car once again. It all comes back to your mind as your hands shake on the wheel, driving yourself to you have no idea where. It really doesn’t matter. It comes back to you: the panic you felt when you saw the ring, the words you told him when he flew to London to get you back, the calls for your name during nightmares, the night on the rooftop, he telling he didn’t want your love anymore…
Your baby… your innocent baby who doesn’t deserve to have a mother like you, who never really learned how to deal with love in a way that wouldn’t destroy the person you love…
It’s all a blur around when your body jerks violently. The high pitched sound of wheels braking mixed with the thudding sound of metal against metal reaches your senses.
A sharp pain in your forehead and everything is darkness.
~~~
“Did you manage to handle everything you needed?” Bucky asks, moving on his seat and wrapping his arm around Anna’s shoulder.
“Hopefully I did,” She simply nods before nestling her head on his shoulder, “I can’t believe the flight is late. I’m so excited for this trip.”
“Yeah…” Bucky looks up to the screens showing the warning of one hour delay for their flight.
A goddamn tour through the Caribbean. The Winter Soldier goes to the beach. Sounds like a terrible name for a terrible tv show. Only Anna to convince him to go and spend a month in a place like that. What is he supposed to do all this time? Sunbathe? Eat shrimps all day?
But she’s right. This time away would be good for them. All it took was one night seeing you to all his resolve start to crumble. You’re so addicting… All he wanted was to touch you, really touch you, hold you in his arms and make sure you’re ok. And he craved to punch that fucking punk beside you.
He’s fully aware he has no right to be jealous, after all he was the one to build a wall between you two and start a relationship with someone else… but he just can’t help it. THe thought of you with someone else cuts him to the bones…
Yeah. He can use this time away. He needs Anna. He said the truth. He’s terrified of hurting her and that possibility seems more and more real… she means so much to him, he really doesn’t know what he’d do without her. He wants to be the boyfriend she deserves and he’ll be.
A buzz on his pocket gets him out of his thoughts. As Anna leans back from his shoulder as he grabs his phone and frowns at the unknown number on the screen.
“Who is it?” She asks.
He just shrugs and brings the cellphone to his ear.
“Yeah?”
“Hello, I need to speak to… ahm…”The person on the other end takes a pause, “Bucky?”
“That’s me, who is this?”
“I’m calling from the New York-Presbyterian Hospital. You’re Miss Y/N YLN emergency contact-”
All his air gets punched out of his stomach. He doesn’t get to hear the rest as he hastily get up, about to force his trembling legs to flee. He almost yanks away his arm from the touch around his elbow, but stops when he turns and sees Anna with a desperate questioning look.
“What’s happening?”
He swallows thickly, “It’s Y/N… she’s in an hospital. I-I don’t know what…” He licks his lips, not really wanting to waist any other second, “I’m sorry, Anna, but I gotta go.” He knows this probably means missing the flight, but it’s not up to discussion.
“I’m coming with you.” She swiftly grabs her handbag.
He nods and makes a beeline to the way out. Anna shortly after him. The loud thundering of his heart drawing out every sound, every thought from his mind, except the desperate need to get to you.
~~~
Bucky knows desperation. It’s like he’s meeting an old friend. Or better, an old enemy. He hates giving in to desperation. All his senses become blurred, he can’t think right. He just acts. He just follows the despair like a compliant servant. That’s why the driveway towards the hospital happened like a shadow. He doesn’t quite remember how he got there where he is now. At the waiting room, after running over a number of floors.
People, probably nurses, told him it was a car accident on a crossroads. You didn’t stop at the traffic light. Apparently it wasn’t that serious, but they told him he had to wait for the doctor, who would be right there, to know details.
And that’s what he’s been doing. Sitting on a tiny chair, lips pressed between his teeth, elbows over bouncing knees. He knows it hasn’t been too long since he got there but it feels like forever… fuck he needs to know you’re ok.
“Buck.”
He looks up to see the concerned faces of Steve, Nat, Wanda and Sam rushing into the room. Anna must’ve called them on the way. Anna… although he knows she’s been by his side the whole time he made the choice to not look or talk to her ever since he lied he was your fiancée so they would give him information.
“How is she?” Nat exasperates as he gets up.
“James Barnes?”
They all turn to see the doctor getting into the room. He’s young, probably an intern. Bucky doesn’t like it, but chooses to keep it to himself. For now.
“That’s me.” He steps forward.
“You’re miss Y/N Y/L/N fiancée, right?”
He ignores the turning faces at him to respond, “Yes, how’s she?”
“She’s fine. She’s resting. Your girl is very tough and lucky.” He smiles at Bucky, who finally breathes, indulging him with the warmth on his chest after hearing you being referred as his girl, “Just a couple of scratches and a broken wrist. She was taken to the ER because she was unconscious when she got here, due a hit on the head.” When Bucky’s eyes furrow, the doctor quickly adds, “Oh, but don’t worry, we ran some tests and it seems like it was just a minor injury. She’ll be ok.”
It’s like the whole world has been lifted from Bucky’s shoulders and his heart goes back to beating. You’re ok. You’re safe. Unable to contain a big smile to curl up his lips, Bucky looks at his friends and sees the relief seeping into their expressions as well.
“Oh, I almost forgot,” the young doctor excitedly says before Bucky turns his attention back to him.
Putting a hand over Bucky’s shoulder, the doctor grins widely at him, whose heart stops all over again when the next works reach his ears, “Everything is alright with the baby. Tough little bean, just like its mama.”