Chapter 12
You clutch tightly the little paper with the address Heloise gave you, before shoving it inside your purse. You grab the strap hung on your shoulder, counting down the floors numbers as the elevator descends to the garage.
A goddamn support group.
Life truly is a little box of surprises, you realize for the millionth time lately. If you’re going to be honest, you’ve never taken these groups as something you would willingly join, or even take seriously. But then again, you’ve never seen yourself as a single mother. Or a mother at all. Yet, here you are.
You’re still deep in thought about your unexpected fate when the elevator dings and the door opens. You begin to step outside, but before you can go any further you bump into a broad structure.
“Whoa,” Steve grabs your shoulders, steading you, “Hey there, stranger,” He grins down at you.
Your nose scrunches up. When the hell has Steve started wearing cologne? Oh, yeah, since forever. But you weren’t so damn pregnant to be bothered by it before, “Hey, Steve.” You gulp down the nausea, pressing your lips tightly at him.
He steps to the side and smoothly blocks your passage when you tried to walk past him. “Where’ve you been, it feels like forever since we last talked?” He asks, fumbling with the keys of his bike.
“Ahm, I’ve been… around.” You hold your breath so that Steve’s cologne doesn’t keep messing with your stomach too much.
“Hm,” he narrows his eyes.
You shift on your feet. The heavy weight of Steve’s suspicious stare lodges on your shoulders, “I’ve been working on myself, Steve. Just like we’ve both agreed.” His eyes soften when you speak, “Besides you’re the one who has just gotten back from a long mission. How was that, by the way?” You divert the subject, but you know you have to get out of there as soon as you can. If that woody scent hits your nostrils one more time, Steve’s white shirt would be ruined. And you’ll have a lot to explain.
“It was a nightmare,” he grunts and shakes his head, “If you were there things would’ve been very different.” He smirks.
“I guess you’ll have to wait a little while,” you chuckle, wondering for a second when will you be able to be on a mission again, giving your interesting condition. The woody scent twists your stomach once again and you grimace, “ Ugh… ahm, good to see you, Steve, see ya around,” You move to walk past him again, still working on not throwing up on him and hoping he thinks nothing of your hurry.
“Are you feeling ok, Y/N?” Steve cocks his head and steps to the side again, blocking your passage “Where are you going? It’s almost dinner time…” He studies you carefully,
“I am… ahm,” Fuck why the hell is it so hard to lie to Steve? “I’m good.” One lie. “I-I’m going to this group thing my therapist recommended.” Not a lie.
“Oh…ok…” He seems lost for a while, “Oh, hey, do you want me to give you a ride?” He wiggles his eyebrows, “We can catch up on the way.”
Now you’re the one frowning at him. Why the hell is he being so insistent on hanging out with you?
“I’m ok, Steve, thanks. We’ll catch up later. I have to go now.” You talk fast and swiftly dodge him when he once again tries to keep you in place.
“Alright then, but, hey,” he talks from behind you as you rush to your car, gladly freeing yourself from the cloying scent and Steve’s interrogation, “My birthday is coming.” The reminder makes you stop on your tracks, “You know how Tony is… I’ll see you there, right?”
Oh, yes. Steve’s birthday… You had forgotten all about that. Giving it’s 4th of July, Tony always makes sure to throw a huge party, with fireworks and everything. Steve hated it. That prompted the whole team to always make sure to be there for him.
“I don’t know, Steve…” You look back at him and shrug, ready to turn down the invitation.
His face falls at your answer, “Ah, come on. You have to.”
You have absolutely no doubt Bucky will be there, too. No matter how many rules he invents about staying away, Steve needing him will always be a priority. He will be there. But, to be real, you don’t need the smell of Steve’s cologne to make yourself sick now. You could say no and just leave, but then again, you really don’t wanna hurt Steve and it would mean more questions…
“Yeah, sure. I’ll be there.” You briskly answer with two thumbs up before sprinting to your car.
As you speed up and the garage doors open for you to come out to the streets, Steve stays in his place. Watching you. He grabs his phone from his pocket…
“Hey, Buck.” He greets after his friend answers the call in a heartbeat, “Yeah… Something is definitely up.”
~~~
When you become aware of your bouncing leg, you place a hand over your thigh to stop it. People are still settling down and accommodating themselves on the chairs forming a circle in the ample, illuminated room. They are chatting and talking friendly to one another as they sit down, seemingly unbothered by the presence of a new participant. Amara, the facilitator, and one of the nicest women you’ve ever met, has welcomed you already and told you be comfortable.
You decide to sit and wait, instead of socializing. She seemed to know who you were already and it’s something you hadn’t realized earlier. You’re an Avenger. Whether you like it or not, the Avengers are quite a famous group nowadays and it wouldn’t be a surprise that people would know who you were. Amara seemed to notice the concern seeping into your face and explained the group had a strict ethical code, including a secrecy policy. It eased down your worries momentarily, but if you wanted this pregnancy to be a secret for now, maybe joining the group hasn’t been the smartest choice.
“Ok, everyone,” Amara firm, but sweet voice resounds around the room and the chattering noise ceases down, “Let’s get started. Tonight, as you all can see, we have a new member on our group. Do you wanna introduce yourself, dear?”
A warmth creeps up your neck as all eyes turn to you and a few smiles pop up. You’ve never minded attention, but tonight, for some reason, it makes you wanna shrink down to the point of invisibility.
“Hi,” you say, waving quickly, before trapping your hands between your crossed thighs. “My name is Y/N Y/L/N…” You choke and can’t say much else and you don’t even have to reach out for Amara before she saves you.
“Welcome, Y/N. We’re really glad to have you here. Now, Meg, you asked before we started to share something with the group…”
The attention changes from you to this woman Meg, who tells the group she has done her third insemination procedure, which would be the fourth child she would have solo. It is a mixed up group. There are women of different ages, some of them pregnant and there were guys there, too. As you hear the different stories, troubles, achievements, and see how the members of the group truly support one another, you feel more confident and willing to share.
“Anyone else?” Amara asks, when George finished telling about the first week he spent alone with his little girl after he and his ex-wife decided to share custody.
“Ahm, yeah,” you raise your hand timidly and all attention is yours again.
Amara nods for you to continue.
You join your fingers over your thighs, “I’m twelve weeks into my first pregnancy.” You smile when you hear words of felicitations. “I’m not gonna lie. I didn’t plan this… But as unexpected as it was, and as new as it is for me, I simply can’t imagine myself without my baby anymore.” You take a look around and watch the nods and smiles, agreeing and encouraging you to go on.
“The father, well, he’s not around. He doesn’t know yet, it’s… it’s complicated.”
“That’s ok, dear.” Amara says, signalizing you don’t need to explain it further, “I told Y/N about our secrecy policy.” She addresses to the rest of the group.
“Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with us.” One of the guys adds.
“Thank you.” You say, “My therapist recommended this group after I attacked her with a rush of doubts and worries… I mean, as happy as I am, this is so new to me. I have so many fears and I’m not sure I’d be able to handle this alone. I hope and, I guess, now I know you guys will be able help me with that. I mean, Meg, you’re my idol. You have four now? How can you do it? It’s amazing.” You point out. “So yeah, that’s it. I’m happy I’m here.”
A loud thud coming from the doors grabs yours and everyone’s attention as startled faces turn towards the sound. There you see an alarmed guy making his way inside the room, but stopping on his way as he meets the wide eyed eyes stares from the group.
“Oh, shit,” He mumbles to himself before looking up at the group again, “Hi, everyone,” he waves shortly, as he cautiously walks towards the circle. His disheveled short hair and ragged breath showing he’s been in a hurry, “I’m really sorry.” The blush on his cheeks becomes evident when he’s closer and takes a seat, “My sitter was late again…” he explains, “That teenage little devil”. He mutters through his teeth, before cringing at Amara.
“Hello, Harry,” Amara greets him, “We’re glad you could make it anyway. We were just listening to Y/N, our new participant.” She raises a brow and nods towards you. The way she doesn’t chastise him for being late is an example of the comforting vibe you’ve been getting from the group. No judgments, just understanding and acceptance. After all, if it’s a support group for single parents, everyone supposedly knows the struggle.
When Harry spots you he cringes again and mouths an apology to you. His clumsy disconcertion makes you chuckle.
“It’s ok.” You shake your head dismissively to Amara, “I guess I’m good for tonight.”
She then passes the word to Harry, who seems relieved to be able to talk. He engages into a nonstop rambling about the “teenage devil” and her propensity for shows like Riverdale, if only she put as much effort into school and responsibilities as she did knowing the backstory of each and every character…Maybe he wouldn’t be also coaching her through her algebra homework. A perpetual shade of red darkens his neck, as an evidence of how much he needs to talk, but the attention seems nothing but unsettling for him. As he does talk, you learn he’s a father of a couple of three year old twins, a girl named Luna and a boy named Jon, who’ve been watching Peppa Pig in a loop and refusing to eat vegetables without a dessert bargain.
He talks fast and uses his hands a lot. He’s wearing a Darth Vader white t-shirt over some black, washed jeans. You’re sure you can see what it seems like a chocolate stamp on his t-shirt –probably in result of one of those dessert bargains. He’s not particularly built, but by his physique you assume he finds time to go to the gym or something. You can’t say the same about shaving, giving the light, messy scruff growing on his jaw. He is unkempt, his brown hair is short and fluffy, like a puppy who, after a whirlwind day of excitement couldn’t be bothered with something as inane as grooming.
You can’t stop the small smile on your face.
When he’s finally done, Amara calls for a coffee break, which is more than welcome since you realize you’re actually starving. Unashamedly, and relying on the pregnancy excuse, you bolt to the table and help yourself with the most appealing cinnamon buns you’ve ever seen. You grab two for good measure and walk away from the table.
“Hey.”
Chewing, you lick the sugar from your lips and turn around to see Harry, with the same apologetic expression he held when he got in late, holding a cup of coffee.
“Hi,” you answer after swallowing down.
“I’m really sorry I interrupted you when I busted in.” He says, scratching the back of his neck, “I didn’t mean to make so much noise and take the attention out of your moment to share. I’m really sorry.”
“Oh, no.” You wave your hand in dismissal. “It’s ok. I was done talking, anyway. Don’t worry.”
He lets out a relieved sigh, “Can we start over?”
“Of course, my name is Y/N Y/L/N.” You extend a hand and offer him a smile.
“Very nice to meet you, Y/N, I’m Harrison Graham-Ford.” He accepts your handshake, “But you can call me Harry,” he swiftly adds, letting go of your hand.
“Wait…“ You squint and dip your chin, "As in… Harrison Ford?” You bite your lip, holding back a laugh.
“Yeah, I know,” he grimaces, “My mom thinks she’s funny, but she’s just a Star Wars nerd.” He shakes his head.
You lift an eyebrow at the same time your eyes drop to his Darth Vader t-shirt, already feeling the laugh bubbling up your chest and curling up your lips.
His eyes follow yours, before sighing and looking up at you, “Guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” He shrugs and it makes you laugh, which he follows with a shy smile.
“It’s cute,” you say, before taking another bite of the pastry in your hand.
A shade of red flushes up from his neck to his face at your comment as the shy smile is stuck on his lips. You can’t help but find it adorable. You feel your chest lighten with the small exchange with him so far, lighter than it has been for a while.
“How many do you have?” He asks, after taking a sip from his coffee.
It takes you a moment to understand what he’s referring to, “Oh, just one. Right here, actually.” You point to your belly.
His eyes light up, “Yay, congratulations!” Harry raises a hand and you grin, corresponding to the high-five, “Welcome to hell.”
“What?” you yelp.
“I’m kidding, I’m kidding,” He giggles, “Well, sort of. It is hell, but a hell I wouldn’t trade for nothing in this world.”
You chuckle, bringing the last piece of your cinnamon bun to your lips. There’s a deep fondness in the way he speaks that you’re only beginning to understand. You wonder what circumstances could have turned him into a single father of twins, but you decide to keep it to yourself, not wanting to be invasive.
“So, what do you do for a living, Harrison Ford, besides chasing after ancient relics, of course?” you smirk.
He grunts playfully at you, before answering, “I’m a computer engineer. Yeah, I know, don’t hold back your excitement,” he jokes, “What about you?”
You bite your cheek, taking your time to think of an answer, what’s the right thing to say here? Should you straight up say you’re an Avenger? “I, ahm, work at a security organization. But I’m on a break now.”
“Oh, security, really? National?”
“Ahm, universal would be a more appropriate term.” You answer, matter-of-factly.
“Ha, you’re an Avenger, then.” He laughs, obviously thinking you’re joking, but when he catches your tighten lips, he squints his eyes, which widen when realization downs. “Y/N Y/L/N! You are an Avenger.” His voice comes out in a squeaking tone.
“Yeah,” You sigh, “That I am.”
“Oh my God. I’m so stupid,” He smacks his own forehead, making a face, “I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you at first, but of course I didn’t, when would I imagine to find an avenger here. An avenger…” His arms rise in disbelief and he almost spills his coffee in you, “Wait.” He goes quiet for a moment, as if there are dots connecting inside his brain, before his jaw goes slack, “You know Captain America.” He whispers, pointing a finger at you.
“I do.” You respond, watching his reaction with amusement.
“Jesus Christ,” He covers his mouth with his hand, “I’m talking to someone who knows Captain America.” All the color from his face is gone and he continues rambling, gesticulating like he did before at the circle, “I’m actually speaking with someone who speaks with Captain America. You exchange words with him, actual words. Look,” He grabs his phone from his pocket. Taking a step closer, he unlocks screen, turning it to you.
You see a picture of him, and two little kids, a girl and a boy, who can only be his children, dressed in full Captain America’s suit pajamas. They’re gathered in an embrace, sporting huge grins on their faces. The sight causes one of your own to form on your face.
“I take it you’re a fan?” You note, as he puts his phone back.
“What?” He squeezes his eyes and shakes his head quickly, “Who isn’t?” Harry exasperates, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “God, I have so many questions, I mean, what does he have for breakfast? No, wait. Don’t answer that. It’s weird, I’m not a weirdo, I promise. Please don’t tell him I’m a weirdo.” He pleads.
“I bet he’s seen worse.” You let out a chuckle, “Hey, you know what. His birthday is in a few days.” You point out.
Harry snorts a laugh. Of course he already knows that.
“There’ll be a party at the Tower.” you continue. It isn’t uncommon for Tony to invite a few of Steve’s fans to celebrate his birthday, the ones who are not bat crap crazy at least and Harry seems to be pretty sane compared to a few others you’ve met, “Why don’t you come by? I surely can add your name on the list and you can ask him in person what he eats for breakfast.”
“Are you serious?” He gasps and you’re pretty sure he’s about to faint.
“Sure. That’s not a party for kids, though. I’m sure Steve will be more than pleased to arrange something another day…”
“Pfff, they don’t care about him. I force them to use the pajamas. They’re Iron Man kind of kids.” He rolls his eyes before continuing, “I’d really love to, Y/N. But, are you sure? I don’t want to be a bother.”
“Yeah. Just, ahm, this,” you wave your hand around your belly, “I still haven’t told about this to everyone there yet, I have to ask you to be discreet.”
“Of course.” With his hand, he mimics a zipping move on his mouth.
“Ok, then.” You smile, “Give me your number and I’ll let you know about the details.”
Look at you. Exchanging phone numbers with a guy on your first day at the support group. Heloise will be proud.
~~~
Oh, Steve’s gonna hate this party. It’s everything he loathes: crowded, loud, extravagant and expensive. You don’t personally know almost anyone there, but from the seat on your table, you see a lot of famous faces. Actors, actresses, singers, politics, business people… Drinks and food are offered in exorbitant amounts and variety. A fancy DJ takes over the music on the dance floor while dancers and other entertainers put on their shows around the room. Classic Tony Stark. It will always be this way. Tony thinks Steve needs this kind of excitement and Steve doesn’t wanna hurt Tony’s feelings by turning it down. Two fools who adore each other but refuse to express themselves…
Except from Steve, who you spot across the room, as red as a tomato, surrounded by a number of beautiful girls, you end up being the first one of the team to get to the party. Not that surprising if you consider the anxiety ruling your feelings the whole day and the lack of disposition to put an effort on getting ready. You’re probably gonna see Bucky here. It’s been three months now, and you have no idea what to expect if you actually see him. With Anna. Will she be there, too? You scoff at yourself. Of course she will. She’s his girlfriend, after all…
Will he even talk to you? Will you want to talk to him? Given your last interaction you seriously doubt that would happen. But if it does… would you be able to keep your secret? Is that something you really want? Keeping your baby as a secret?
“Hey, beautiful,” Wanda finally arrives to the table you’ve been occupying alone, sipping from your non-alcoholic cocktail.
“Hi, there yourself,” you greet back as she sits by your side, “Where’s Vision?”
“Ugh, he’s working on his human form, I just couldn’t wait anymore.” She rolls her eyes, “You look amazing,” she compliments you, after leaning back on her chair to give you a once over.
You chose some old black dress from the depths of your drawer. The fabric is loose from your chest line down to your knees. Your body hasn’t changed that much yet, but observant eyes could notice some details here and there, making you opt to something which would somehow disguise the little changes. You smile back at Wanda, not really believing her compliment. Without noticing, you bring your thumb to your lips, biting your nail.
“Why are you nervous?” Wanda asks.
“You know why.” You keep biting on your nail, only stopping when Wanda gently pulls your arm down, making you look at her.
“Have you seen him, yet?”
You shake your head no, “Have you?” you mutter.
She also gives you a negative answers and a small silence settles between you two, before she breaks it, “How was the group thing Heloise recommended?”
“It was pretty nice, actually.” You acknowledge, swinging the straw on your drink, “I made a friend there.”
“Really?” Wanda beams, “What’s her name?”
You laugh at her assumption, “His name is Harry. I invited him to come tonight.” You take the straw to your lips to take a sip from your drink.
“What?” The small smirk on her lips is nothing but malicious, “You have a date?”
You cough, choking on your drink and putting it back on the table before furrowing your eyebrows at her, “A date? It’s not a date, he’s a fan of Steve, he was nice, I didn’t see any reason to not invite him.” Not even for a second you had seen it that way.
“Ok…” Wanda nods, but the annoying little smirk doesn’t leave her face as she props her elbows on the table and lean her head on her hand, staring at you.
“Stop, Wanda,” you admonish, “It’s not like that, besides, he’s not even my type.”
“And what’s your type exactly?”
Semi-stable 100-year-old super soldiers would be the answer, but you decide to just shrug instead.
“Alright…” She gets up, seemingly giving up on the teasing, “I’m gonna go grab something to drink, do you want anything?”
“Yeah, would you bring me some of this pineapple thing? It’s on the non-alcoholic session.”
‘Sure, be right back.”
You watch her walk towards the huge bar next to the dance floor before your eyes search for Steve again, just to check if he needs saving or something.
That’s when your heart jumps. The girls have vanished from around Steve and, instead, he is there. Bucky. He’s dressed in a well cut navy blue suit. The lack of a tie and the choice of wearing a black tshirt under it makes it more casual. And sexy. God, how can a man be so handsome? You take in a shaky breath.
He has a hand on Steve’s shoulder as he laughs at something that has been said. That beautiful and rare smile which makes your hands cold and sweaty. The one that, when you saw it for the first time at that party, all those years ago, you didn’t stand a single chance. And just like then, you fall in love with him. All over again. Yeah… right, like you had stopped at all…
As you watch how longer his hair is after these three months, allowing him to tie the locks in one of those sinful low buns of him, you realize that, yes, lately Bucky hasn’t inhabit all your thoughts like before, but he’s been always there…A dormant sweet pain hidden in the depths of your chest. Ready to burst out at any given moment. You love him and you know that’s how it will always be. No matter what happens. No matter how much time you spend away from each other he will always be the one who takes your breath away.
Your eyes descend the length of his arm and only then her presence reaches your senses. There’s a small, delicate hand wrapped around Bucky’s elbow. A sour taste sweeps into your mouth as you take in Anna by his side. She’s wearing a long grey blue dress which embraces her slim figure flawlessly. You can see she’s chosen it carefully. The color matches Bucky’s outfit. Her dark hair is loose and falls on her back in big, silky waves. Does he wrap his hands around it? Does he snuggle on her to smell the scent of her shampoo? She’s laughing with them and rests her head on Bucky’s shoulder. Does she know he’s ticklish on that little spot between his neck and his jaw? Does she kiss him there and makes him squirm and giggle the way you did? Did he let his beard grow again because she asked him to? Does he like the taste of her? You feel dizzy and glimpse the thin strap of her dress casually falling down her arm. It’s sexy. Does he think she’s sexy?
She is. She’s perfect. Just like he said she was. And she’s not you, which makes her even more perfect for him.
You look up and your heart stops when your eyes cross with hers. Her beautiful smile falters a bit as she brings her other hand to Bucky’s elbow, who keeps talking animatedly with Steve. You make no mistake of that. It’s a protective grip the one she sets on Bucky’s arms. You watch her lively expression fall. You hold your gaze locked with hers and the images flooding into your mind are sickening. Excruciating. You see her moaning under him, their legs untangled under his bed sheets. Her soothing hand on his bare chest guiding him out of his nightmares, the smile that was yours being directed at her.
You can’t breathe. It’s too much. You force yourself out of your own mental torture and hastily get up before you practically bolt to you’re not sure where, leaving the offending sight behind.
~~~
“And then Dot made this huge cake, but you couldn’t eat it,” Bucky animatedly continues to describe one of the memories he had of Steve’s previous birthdays, “Because it was so fucking terrible, you sneaked the whole three pieces she served you to her cat.” He and Steve burst out in laughs. It isn’t always the good memories come to him, but when it does, oh man, it feels good.
“You should’ve seen it, Anna,” Bucky turns to the girl on his arm, but her attention is not on him. Her gaze stares ahead, but he finds nothing but strangers when he follows it, “Hey, are you ok?”
The question seems to take her out of her mind as she turns back to him smiling, “Yeah, of course. I think I need to go to the bathroom, though. Will you guys excuse me?” She looks at Steve, who gives her a small nod.
“Sure. Do you want me to walk you there?” Bucky asks.
“No, honey. It’s ok. I know the way.” She answers softly and places a kiss on his cheek, “Be right back.” She adds, before making her path towards the bathroom.
When she seems far enough away, Bucky addresses Steve, “So…ahm, the whole team is coming?”
Steve’s eyes roll, “Yeah, Y/N is coming, pal.”
Bucky’s attempt to defend himself and deny Steve’s assumption is confronted by a raised brow from his buddy. He then contents himself by letting out a huff, mumbling a “jerk” under his breath before shoving his hands inside his pockets, “Have you talked to her again?” He asks, looking at Steve, after a quick survey around the room.
“No, I haven’t. But, hey, do you know who should?” Steve fakes a cheerful insightful voice before glaring at Bucky, “You.”
Bucky faces wrinkle in displeasure at Steve’s jeering, before he gets serious again, “You said you think something is wrong?” He brings up Steve’s call a few days ago.
“And I meant it, Buck. She was all weird, like she wanted to get rid of me as soon as she could saying she had a group thing… besides she looked a bit sick…” Steve narrows his eyes, “I don’t know, man, just talk to her. If she called you, she had something important to say.”
Bucky drops his head, shaking it. He knows Steve has a point. All he needs is to gather the courage to face you again.
~~~
After you splash some water on the nape of your neck as an attempt to ease down your nerves, you take in your appearance on the huge mirror by the equally huge bathroom sink.
You wish you could’ve spent a little more time on getting ready for tonight. Nothing but a plain black dress, the same old red lipstick and hair in your usual style. Nothing fancy. Nothing sexy. Nothing special. You didn’t even put a pair of heels, preferring the comfort of flats.
Shit, is it the hormones making a number on your self-esteem, or is the sight of the perfect couple out there? Yeah, probably both, but more the latter than the first.
“Hey,” Nat bursts into the bathroom, looking like a fucking bombshell, of course, “Didn’t you hear me calling your name?” she asks with her arms thrown to the air, strutting to stand beside you, “Why did you run here? Are you ok? Do you feel sick?” She puts a hand on your forehead.
“I’m ok, I’m ok.” You turn away to the mirror again, talking to her through your reflections, “Came here to refresh a bit. That’s all.” You shrug, pulling down a couple of towel papers to clean the water from your neck.
She hums, tilting her head to side eye you, before placing her hand on your belly, “And how’s my niece?”
“Niece?” You chuckle at her certainty, “How do you even know for sure it’s a girl?”
“I don’t,” she admits before leaning down to level your belly, “But if you decide to put a number on me like Nathaniel did, we’re gonna have a little talk when you come out of your mommy’s belly, sweetie.”
You laugh as you throw away the paper towel, but a flushing sound coming from one of the many cabinets shuts you up. Natasha straightens up and you two look at each other with widen eyes. You freeze when the little door opens and a girl you’ve never seen before gets out of there, tripping on her hills. She stumbles right past you, not even minding to stop and wash her hands before going back to the party.
You breathe again. Apart from you not knowing who the girl is, she seemed too drunk or high to recognize any of you or make sense out of your conversation with Nat.
“Come on,” Nat pats your shoulder and turns to the door, “Wanda is searching for you, she’s got some disgusting pineapple thing she says it’s yours.”
“It is mine and it’s delicious.” You point out, following her. “Your nephew loves it, by the way.” You laugh at the deadly glare she shoots you as she holds the door for you to come out.
You both walk back to the party, completely unaware that while you worried about the girl coming out of the cabinet, you missed someone else rushing away from the spot they had been. Right at the other side of the bathroom door.
~~~
“Have you seen Bucky, yet?” Nat casually drops the ask, walking beside you through the crowded and animated room towards where Wanda and a few familiar faces from the team are.
“Yes, I have,” you mutter.
“Did you say hello or something?” Her curiosity sweeps into her voice.
“Of course not,” you snort, turning your face to her, “Hopefully, I won’t have to.”
“Ugh, what a timing,” She mumbles under her breath, looking ahead as your eyebrow pucker at her words.
“Nat, Y/N!”
You tilt your head to follow the very well-known voice and get the meaning of her words. A pair of super soldiers, walking right at your direction as the blond one is one step ahead of the other, waving at you and too damn close for you to succeed on a sneaky get away.
“Happy birthday, Mr. Captain!” Nat pulls Steve to a hug when he approaches the pair of you, “Where are we now? Two hundred?”
“Getting there,” he chuckles, turning to you when Nat lets him go.
“Happy birthday, Steve,” You surprise yourself when you manage the quiet greeting to even come out of you. You hug Steve. As your heart hammer against your chest, you turn your face to the side so you don’t have to exchange eye contact with Bucky, who keeps himself planted behind his friend.
“Thank you, Y/N.” Steve beams at you and braces his hands on your shoulders when you pull away from the hug, “I’m really glad you came.”
You smile weakly at him, feeling the burning of Bucky’s eyes into you from behind his friend’s shoulder, but you don’t dare to look back at him, wrapping your arms around yourself and taking a step back. Where the hell is his girlfriend, anyway?
“Hey, Barnes.” Nat deadpans.
“Hey.” From the corner of your eyes, you see he doesn’t move his gaze from you when he answers Nat with a small voice.
The most awkward silence you’ve ever experienced takes place.
“Hey, Nat.” Steve, clears his throat, “Guess who’s here with Clint?”
“Who?” She eyes him suspiciously.
“I give you one word: Budapest.”
“What?” She squeaks as her jaw goes slack, “Where?” She stands on her toes, her eyes roaming through the place.
“Come, I’ll show you.”
Unannounced, Steve drags Nat by the arm. Your eyes widen as you realize what just happened. Fuck, Steve. Swiftly, you move to try and walk past Bucky, who hasn’t budge from his spot, but a shot of electricity sparks through your skin as a gentle cold metal hand holds your arm, “Wait. Can I talk to you?” His mouth is close to your ear and his hot breath washes over your skin, creating a contrast to the cold- and longed- touch. Shivers rush down your spine unbidden.
Your eyes flicker from where he’s holding you to meet his blue ones, which convey an unreadable emotion. Gulping down the bubbling feelings inside, you pull your arm away and step back to face him, folding your arms protectively in front of your chest once again, “Listen,” you lick your lips and keep your posture high, “Yeah, I knew you would be here. I wasn’t gonna come, but Steve insisted, I won’t stay too long, though-”
“What…No…” He breathes as a line creases his forehead, “I mean, it’s ok.” He continues in a hunched posture, putting his hands back in his pockets, “Of course. Steve’s your friend as much as he’s mine. And… and this is your home.” His eyes darts to the side briefly, “I didn’t think you wouldn’t be here.”
Stillness lingers between you two as now your eyes simply can’t leave his. What does he want, then? Wasn’t he the one to demand distance? He seems a lot more at ease than he was on your last conversation through the phone. Submissive, even.
“How are you?” He’s the one to cut through the void, stepping closer.
Fuck, he smells good.
“I’m ok.” You nod.
“Good, great.” He lets out a breathy smile, before chewing on his lower lip, “You look good.” He says softly, eyes locked with yours.
You take in some air as you feel your mouth dry and your arms slowly unfold themselves. It feels like your Bucky all over again, no that one on the phone and,just like that, you’re melting inside. All the walls you’ve been building up to shield yourself from the pain, from the rejection, threatening to crumble down. Only one thought keeping them up: He’s here with his girlfriend, who isn’t you.
“Hey, ahm, I-I,” He stutters, shifting on his feet, “About the last time we talked. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have acted that way. I was a fucking jackass.” He looks down to the floor. You see the regret written on his eyes when he looks up again, “It felt like you had something important to say and I should’ve listened to you. I’m really sorry for that, I’m a stupid jerk.” He says the last line in a tiny voice, speaking more to himself than to you.
“Ok,” you barely whisper and stay still, only breathing through your mouth, unable to speak any other word as his blue eyes never leave yours.
He leans closer to you, “What was that you wanted to talk about?”
Oh… All the air escapes your lungs. Is that how is going to be? You’re gonna tell him now? Here? You want to. God knows you want to, but… You purse your lips, before taking in some much needed air, “I… I called you because… I have some news, I-”
“Bucky?”
Your heart plummets as you gulp down what you were about to say. Bucky’s gaze snaps from you to look over your shoulder and you watch his eyes following Anna as she passes right beside you, to place herself on his side, giving him a smile as she curls her arm around his waist.
“Oh, hey.” Bucky seems lost as he looks down at her.
“Hi,” She greets you, after turning to you with a small smile still on her lips.
Only then Bucky seems to be brought back to reality as he looks back at you with something you could guess as guilt, or shame on his expression. Your gaze shifts from him to Anna, using all your strength to keep yourself together, “Hello,” you nod, forcing a smile back and joining your cold hands in front of you, “How is it going?”
“I’m ok, thanks. How about you?”
She laces her words with kindness and you give her a standard polite answer despite the evident and suffocating awkwardness of the situation. You want nothing but to bolt away of there, feeling small, ugly, pathetic and stupid around them. Stupid to think there was the place and time to tell Bucky about your baby. To, for a second, imagine things would be ok and you could go through this pregnancy in peace, without the weight of you and Bucky’s complicated state of affairs. You want to bolt away, to ignore her perfection and Bucky’s pained stare to you.
That’s when you see your way out. Lost among the crowds, carefully and humbly dodging away from bumping into people as he awkwardly walks through the room. A genuine smile curls up at the sight of your savior.
“Harry,” you shout, making Bucky and Anna turn to see where you’re looking at.
Harry spots you when you wave at him and an evidently relieved smile forms on his face.
“Excuse me,” you say, looking back at the couple but paying no attention to the confusion etched on Bucky’s face, “I gotta go. Have fun.” You add, before finally leaving the scene.
Bucky can’t take his eyes off of you as you greet the man you called Harry with a brief hug. His stomach churns when he sees you two laugh at something the guy said and he hates how evidently the man blushes at your presence. He has to physically stop himself to chase after you and punch the little punk in the guts when you pull him by the hand and drag him through the sea of bodies in direction to where a few members of the team are.
Who the hell is this guy? And more importantly, what does he have to do with you? His heart leaps violently against the bones of his chest when a thought floods into his mind. The news you said you had… the reason you called him…could it have anything to do with this new guy in your life?
“Bucky, are you listening to me?” Anna’s voice reaches his senses.
“Oh, sorry.” He blinks, shifting his focus to her, “What was that?”
“I asked if you know who that is?” She asks curiously, nodding to your direction.
“No, I don’t.” Bucky answers simply, smiling briefly to release the tense set of his jaw, and changes the subject, “Where’ve you been?”
“Oh, the bathroom down here was crowded, so I went to the one upstairs.”
Bucky nods, his gaze turning back to where you are on its own volition before Anna cups his cheeks, shifting his face back to her and brings her lips to his. Although being taken by surprise, Bucky lets himself relish on the intense kiss. It’s nothing like the kisses he and Anna are used to sharing. It’s demanding and full of want. Almost violent and he’s grateful for having the thoughts of you and your new friend away from his mind at least for a bit.
“I love you.” She whispers, pressing her forehead on his and like every time she’s said it before, he doesn’t say it back. He can’t. Instead, he just smiles and pecks her lips.
“Let’s go dance.” She tips her head back to look at him and takes his hands into hers.
“What?” His eyes well up, “You know I don’t-”
He wants to knock himself up when he sees her eyes casting down and the faint of a pout on her lips. He takes another brief glance at where you are laughing with Sam, Steve and your friend.
“Alright,” he gives in, “Let’s go.” He’s pleased to see her face lighting up again as she pulls him to the dance floor.
He doesn’t like to dance anymore. Not like he once did. But that’s not what really troubles him through automatic moves and smiles… it’s the thought of you pulling the guy with your hands. It’s thinking that what you wanted to tell him was that you found someone new. That you’ve moved on and would be with someone else, just like he had told you he had decided to be with Anna. Fuck… is that how he made you feel when he told you that?
Two or three songs later, the music stops and Tony grabs the mic, announcing it was time for singing happy birthday, inviting everyone to go outside and watch the fireworks by the pool.
Like everyone else, Bucky does as he says. The happy birthday song happens, some gig involving a showgirl in Captain America inspired costume and a huge star spangled cake takes place- to Steve’s dismay. Then the fireworks start.
With Anna standing right in front of him, Bucky doesn’t really pay attention to any of that. All he sees is you. There you are. A few feet away from him, adorably staring up in awe with the fireworks. The sight makes an inadvertent smile curl up on his face for a second. He loves the way your lips are an inch parted as you take in the show happening in the sky.
How can someone be so stunning?
You’re always so effortlessly beautiful. You take his breath away. You make him acquainted with his own heart. Always did and still do. He watches as you turn your head to the side to say something to the person beside you.
Oh, yeah. That guy is there, too. Right beside you.
His mind races at the same speed of the fireworks bursting right above him. Are you really with that man? Or is it just jealousy making him assume things? The little shit has nothing to do with you…What would you see in him? The punk is not even touching you…
But maybe it’s still a secret. Maybe you wanna tell him in person before opening it up to everyone. Just the way he did about Anna…Maybe that’s why Steve felt like you were hiding something from him the other day…
Does he touch you when nobody’s looking, then? Does he know about that tiny spot between your waist and your hips? The one which made you squirm when he kissed it? Do you let him sleep in your bed? Do you whisper you love him right before he falls asleep, too? Does he keep you up at night with nightmares? Does he cling on you too much? Will you feel like running away from him at some point?
Bucky hopes not. He takes in a long, shuddering breath.You deserve someone who doesn’t make you wanna leave. Like he once did.
Anna leans her back on his chest and pulls his arm to wrap it around her body. He looks down at her and places a kiss on the top of her head, wishing her touch keeps him grounded there.
~~~
Right after the fireworks ends, most of the party goes back inside, while you, Harry, Steve, Sam, Vision and Wanda form a circle by the pool to chat. Harry has marveled at everyone, but meeting Steve made him lost his shit. The funny thing is the Soldier blushed just as much as the fan at the interaction. Even after all these years, the Captain still isn’t used to the attention. But he did answer all the questions Harry made after you played the part of the mediator of the communication. You’re glad Harry has been discreet as he promised, answering vaguely the times people asked where and when you two had met.
“Steve.”
You look towards the sound to see Bucky approaching your little circle, arm in arm with Anna. You turn away while the rest focused on the couple.
“Hey, pal.”
“We’re going.” Bucky talks in a harsh voice directly with Steve, but the hard expression on his face is aimed to someone else. Harry on your side.
“Already?” Steve asks as the others protest.
Looking at Harry you see him still, gaping at Bucky. The now familiar awestruck expression plastered on his face. You’ll have to disappoint him this time. There’s no way you’re going to introduce him to Bucky. You had your share of interaction with him for tonight. You glance up at the soldier and his chest is puffed, chin slightly tucked, making his clenched jaw evident. You hold back an eye roll. Is he trying to seem intimidating? What is that for?
While Bucky explains they have to leave because Anna has a lecture early in the morning and they say their general goodbyes your gaze meets hers. She’s been staring at you and doesn’t bother on turning away when you spot her. There’s something about the way she’s looking at you… you study her closer. It’s not intimidation like Bucky. It’s not anger, or jealousy…It’s fear, evident fear in her eyes. It unsettles you and you finally turn your eyes from her, relaxing only when the couple leaves the place.
~~~
“This was, hands down, the most surreal night of my life.” Harry brings both his hands to his forehead, shaking his head in disbelief, “I’ve never felt safer and also ready to drop dead at any moment, it was insane.”
You let out an amused laugh. It was fun to see the fascination in Harry at each avenger he got to meet. You thought Steve would be the highlight of his night, but it was certainly hilarious to watch him lose his voice when Natasha showed up. Now, the party is almost over and, apart from you and Harry sitting on one of the huge couches right by the pool, only a few people still lingered there.
“I’m glad you had fun. Everyone really liked you.” You point out, slipping off of your flats and folding your legs to your side on the cushion, shifting your torso to face his profile.
“Pfff,” he shakes his head, but you can see the contentment on his face, “I can’t believe Tony Stark said he will drop by at Luna and Jon’s daycare. They’ll freak out.”
“Tony’s the most amazing person in the world.” You smile, leaning your elbow on the armrest to rest your chin on your hand, “And he loves kids.”
“Me too.” He nods, mimicking your position, “Especially mine.” He adds. The pride which he says the words with is adorable.
“Who are with them tonight?”
“My mom. Who still must be up waiting to hear about my Avengers escapade. I’m glad Thor wasn’t here, or else she would kill me for not bringing her.” He cringes.
The curiosity growing in you ever since you two met takes the best of you, “Ahm, can I ask you something?” He nods and you continue, softly, “What about the mother of your kids? Is she around?”
“She… she died when they were born.” He smiles tightly, fidgeting with his fingers.
“Oh my God,” You whisper, “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”
“It’s ok. The worst has passed. Not a good story to tell a pregnant woman, though.”
“How did you do it? All alone with two kids…” you can’t help but wonder out loud.
His head drops, “It was tough. I mean, really, really tough. When I caught myself alone with those two tiny loud creatures, totally depending on me… I thought I wouldn’t be able to handle it. But then my mom was there for me, and I went to therapy, the group happened, my friends….” He sighs, deeply, looking up at you, “And I love those little chipmunks so, so, so much. This love makes me stronger than I have ever been.”
You smile, recognizing the feeling.
“I would probably kick Cap’s ass for them. But don’t tell him I said that.” You both laugh after he goes serious again. “Don’t worry, it’s gonna be ok. The thing is we’re never really as alone as we think we are.”
“I guess you’re right.” You say, thinking about all the support you already have when just a few people know about your pregnancy.
“Can I ask you something, now?” His voice is quiet and gentle.
“Go ahead.”
“It’s him, isn’t it? Bucky Barnes? The father of your baby?”
The easy smile you had on your face drops at once and you turn away before you give him a single nod, “How did you know?”
“Well… I felt like he could kill me only by staring at me when he saw me by your side, which was pretty scary, to be honest.” His eyes go round when he says this, “Also, you got all quiet when he came by with that girl and he was the only one you didn’t introduce me to…” He shrugs.
You purse your lips, “It’s complicated.”
“He doesn’t know?”
You shake your head, “I’ve tried to tell him before. Tonight again, but…It didn’t happen.” You press your lips between your teeth, “I don’t know how I will do it, to be honest.” You let out a humourless chuckle.
He nods thoughtfully and stays quiet for a little while before speaking, “I know we’ve met just a few days ago, - and I can’t believe I’m saying this to an Avenger- but just know you can count on me…I bet that despite it all, everything will be alright.” He reaches for your hand on your lap and gives it a squeeze.
A ghost of a smile goes back to your lips, “I hope so, Harry.”