Chapter 11
The symphony of knocks on your door would be more than enough to wake you up, if you had been able to get some sleep at all at night. Lying on your bed, you move your forearm to uncover your eyes and see the sun peeking through the curtains. You haven’t even realize it’s morning already. The knocks grow louder, taking a low grunt out of you.
“I’m coming,” you half yell, forcing yourself up. You have to stand still for a moment, waiting for the small but annoying dizziness to go away until you manage to lumber to the door.
“Good Morning,” Wanda greets you while Nat is right beside her, holding a long glass filled with something looking like a smoothie.
“Here,” she says, handing the glass to you, “Drink it up.”
“Good morning to you, too, Ms. Black Widow,” you say, accepting the drink and bringing it next to your nose. Your eyebrows rise with surprise when the smell isn’t awful, but instead feels quite decent.
“She made it herself,” Wanda’s grin is bright, “Said it would be good for morning sickness.”
Your head snaps to your friend, stunned.You’ve never seen Nat doing anything in the kitchen that didn’t contain vodka before. She shuffled her feet, looking at the floor before looking up at you.
Nat huffs and rolls her eyes, “There’s a thing called Google these days, you know? Now will you let us in or not?”
“Oh, yes, by all means, please get in,” you jest, giving room to both of them to pass. You take a sip from the ice cold smoothie before shutting the door and guiding them to your bedroom. You hum in satisfaction and lick your lips, it truly tastes good and the coldness seems it’s really going to help with your new buddy, morning sickness.
“Wow, thank you, Nat. It’s delicious,” You exclaim, taking a seat on the middle of your bed, resting your back against the headboard.
“Of course it is,” she deadpans, positioning herself next to you, while Wanda sits on the chair in front of the bed.
“How did you sleep?” Wanda asks.
“Didn’t,” you mumble, taking another small sip from the smoothie.
It’s quiet in the room as you gulp down the cold drink. Licking your lips, you can see Wanda’s bouncing leg and Nat’s clenched fists. Their uneasiness and expectation are palpable, the need to ask but not daring to…
You let out a long sigh and ends with the silence, “I’m keeping it.” You can’t stop the small smile curling up your lips when you hear yourself saying it, “I’m keeping the baby.”
Your gaze shifts from one to the other and the previous expectation is replaced by what it seems like… surprise? Confusion? You really can’t blame them when. Actually, you were the first one to be surprised by your resolution and the feelings it’s been making surface inside you.
“You know, I’ve always heard I should be strong,” you say, resting the glass on your lap, “And I learned love, boyfriends, family… all of that wasn’t important. It was a distraction, a weakness,” you chuckle without humor, looking at your friends.
Wanda has her lips pressed tightly together, while Nat rests her head back on the headboard, her face turned and focused on you. She nods for you to continue.
“The thing is, ever since I saw that positive result and I realized I’m going to have a child, a little person to take care of, I’ve been feeling stronger and stronger. More than I’ve ever have.” You take in some air and let the smile come back to your face, tightening the grip on the glass in your hands. “I feel empowered; I feel like I could fight a thousand HYDRA agents singlehanded. I want to fight and make this place a safer and better place for this baby.”
You bring one hand to your belly as you stare down at it, “There’s a bunch of new feelings rising inside me, and I’m stronger because of it.” You nod to yourself as a single tear trails down your cheek, “I want this. I want this baby.”
When you look up, you see Wanda sporting a huge, watery smile on her face. Turning to the side, you catch the soft look on Nat, a rare and beautiful vision. Before you could do or say anything else Wanda swiftly climbs on the bed to sit facing your side and promptly puts her arms around your shoulders, pulling you into a tight hug. It almost makes you spill the smoothie in your hands all over the sheets, as she nuzzles into your neck. Giggling, you reach behind her to place the glass safely on the nightstand.
“I’m gonna be an auntie.” She cries out. “You’re gonna be an auntie, Nat.” She adds, pulling back to look at her.
At your other side, Nat smiles and nods to both of you, “I guess that’s what’s going to happen, huh?” She takes your hand into hers, squeezing it tightly as she adjusts her body and turn it to you, prepping a kiss to your temple.
“Oh My God,” Wanda covers her mouth for a small second before speaking again, with widened eyes, “Bucky is going to be a father. When are you going to tell him?
Just like that, the bubbling joy inside your chest freezes and you can feel the smile leaving your face as your stomach swirls.
“Well,” you breathe, “about that…”
“Y/N?” Nat frowns, as if she’s the one who can read your mind instead of Wanda, “You have to tell him,” She adds, her voice firm.
“I’ve tried to…” You let go of her hand and shift on the mattress under the questioning eyes of your friends, “I called him last night, right after you two left.” You explain, chewing your cheek before continuing, “I told him I had something important to tell him and asked if he could come over. He was a fucking dick.” You scoff and shake your head replaying the phone call in your head.
“What happened?” Wanda asks as her eyes squint. .
The wounding memory assaults you like a gunshot made of pain and anger. You want nothing except to never talk about that, but you tell them all about your last conversation with Bucky instead. “… and I told him it was important but he said he had absolutely no interest in what I had to say. He wouldn’t meet me, and there was I nothing I could say to change that. So I said nothing.” You fold your legs up and brace your arms around your knees, as one of your legs keeps bouncing.
“Oh…” That’s all that slips from Wanda.
“Bucky’s a fucking asshole and I wanna punch his fucking guts,” Nat says, making you tilt your face to her, “However… and I know you don’t wanna hear this right now, but I have to say it,” her expression is soft, like her voice, when she talks next, “Maybe you should’ve told him over the phone anyway. This is huge, I don’t think it’s something you should be petty about.”
“Nat…” Wanda calls in a reproving tone.
You feel your features and your muscles stiffen defensively, “He said he didn’t want to know what I had to say-”
“Come on, Y/N, we all know Bucky. I’m sure if you had told him what it was about he would’ve changed his attitude and would listen, you can’t be selfish right now-“
“Nat,” you raise your hand and interrupt her, “Tell me something, if I had told you I’d rather not go forward with this pregnancy, what would you say to me?”
Natasha sighs, looking to the other way briefly, seemingly understanding your point before you even make it. She faces you again and nods, resigned, “I would have said it’s your decision to make and no one else’s, because it’s your body. You make the rules.” She purses her lips.
“Exactly,” the fight doesn’t leave your tone yet as you unconsciously move farther from her and closer to Wanda, “I’m far from perfect, but I’m not a monster. I know he has to know about the child, it’s his as much as it is mine. But this pregnancy,” You place a hand over your belly and Nat’s gaze follows the move, “this pregnancy is mine. As far as I’m concerned I owe him absolutely nothing right now.” You spit as your breathing grows erratic.
“Calm down, Y/N, it’s ok,” Wanda tries to soothe you, resting her hand on your shoulder.
“Picture that:” despite Wanda’s efforts, you keep on with your rant without taking a breath, eyes bored into Nat’s as she doesn’t make a single move to interrupt you, “Despite my fears, because, yes, I was damn scared of his reaction when he knew, I called him. The guy is fucking annoyed by my mere voice even if it’s the first fucking time I’m calling after two months of complete radio silence and says he wants nothing to do with me or what I have to say…” you blink rapidly, replaying the words in your head.
Nat’s eyes downcast and she folds her arms in front of her.
“What did you expect me to say after that? Hey, guess what?” You change your voice into one filled of fake cheerfulness, “You want nothing to do with me? Ha ha, not happening because I’m fucking pregnant?” You let out a huff, “I know it seems petty and selfish, and maybe it is, but I don’t care. He crushed me last night, I felt like shit. I don’t need this right now.”
“We get it, dear. Please, just try to breathe.”
Wanda finally gets your attention as you turn your watery eyes at her and do what she said, taking in and out deliberately long and slow breaths. You’re not sure what’s stronger inside you, the anger of being confronted, the sadness from the memory of being rejected when you were so excited about the news, or the shame for being called out on something you know you could’ve handled better…
“I know he’ll find out eventually,” you speak again, this time calmer and steadier, “And that’s ok,” You turn to Nat again, “That’s really ok.” You nod at her, wanting her to believe what you’re affirming, “It’s not even about him, it’s about this kid who will deserve their father to at least know about them, no matter if he decides to take part of this or not.” You lazily caress your belly, looking down at it, before addressing to Wanda, in a small voice, “He didn’t seem like he would be happy about it last night and I wouldn’t bear that at that moment, when I was so excited on finding out.”
Her hand is tight and comforting warm on your shoulder. You wonder if the gradual serenity growing inside is her doing…
You give her a tight lip smile, before continuing, staring ahead and avoiding both of their looks, “This pregnancy is something entirely unexpected and new for me. I need peace to live through this, to learn how to be a… a mother.” You pause when the word comes out of you. The tension in your throat from holding back tears becomes too much and you let them free, feeling the heat of them running down your face before hastily wiping your cheeks with the back of your hand.
Wanda and Nat settle in silence, letting you take the moment to yourself and articulate your thoughts again.
“He doesn’t want the drama of loving me into his relationship and I don’t want it while I’m pregnant, either.” You sigh and nod to yourself, “Right now, the only people who know about this are in this room and I wanna keep it that way, at least for a while.” You look at one and them at the other, receiving reassuring nods in response, “I’m dealing with this alone. It’s just me and my baby.”
“You’re not alone.” Nat finally breaks her silence.
You turn to her and exchange a wordless conversation. One of the many you two have had during your friendship. Full of understanding… Despite your rant, you’re glad for having her, the friend who won’t accept your bullshit and will always bring you to reality. But you’re also glad you were able to make her see you side of things too. Her eyes are tearing up as she shrugs and twists her mouth. Definitely another “non- Black-Widow” look.
“I’m sorry.” She mouths to you.
You extend a hand to her, which she accepts promptly.
“Of course you’re not alone.” Wanda covers the hand over your belly with hers, resting her head on your shoulder.
You sigh, feeling more at ease with their support, “Sooner or later he’ll know, and then I’ll deal with whatever comes from it,” you whisper.
“We’ll be here for you,” Nat reassures.
“You have to tell Heloise, though.” Wanda raises her head from your shoulder and you look at her, “She needs to check on your meds and, oh,” Her eyes round as she’s remembering something, “We need to schedule an appointment with an obstetrician or will you prefer a midwife? We have to think about this.”
“Yes.” You nod, smiling, loving how she uses ‘we’, “All of that. And Nat will have to make me one of those every morning.” You point at the up till now forgotten smoothie on the nightstand.
Nat only grunts her response.
~~~
A couple of days passed until you managed to set up an appointment with an obstetrician you three agreed was qualified enough. You didn’t want to see any of the doctors from the tower yet, due the risk of being exposed, but considering the super soldier status of the father, you pondered that soon a doctor with more know-how on the matter would be safer to your baby.
If, even for a second, you thought you would go through this alone, you were so very mistaken. Wanda and Nat went with you to the appointment and acted like a couple of helicopter moms, asking questions, exposing your bad habits and taking notes on all the recommendations and prescriptions.
They were there during the first ultrasound as well. You’re 9 weeks into the pregnancy and the moment when you see the tiny, almost imperceptible smudge on the screen and hear its accelerated heartbeat was the moment you remembered you had a heart too. You felt alive and strong. More than ever. There were tears and laughter while Wanda and Nat held your hands. The doctor offered pictures of your little bean and they wanted one copy each.
You took two home…
As the days pass, keeping the secret has become one of the most difficult things to do. All you want is to scream to the World and especially to your friends about your baby. But you decided it was to best to keep it to yourself so you stick to your plan, avoiding meeting anyone on the mornings, while the sickness was worst, avoiding get togethers to drink and also going to the gym with everyone else, since you’re not allowed to do heavy exercises, and explaining why would be a handful.
At least you have Wanda and Nat to talk about everything. Oh, and Heloise. You told her on your very next session and you were relieved when she told you the medication she had prescript before were safe to use during pregnancy.
Now, obviously, the main subject in your sessions has been your pregnancy.
“Have you talked to Bucky again?” She asks, studying you from above her glasses.
“No, and I don’t wanna talk about it.” You straighten your posture on the chair, “I haven’t even been thinking about him, to be honest.” To your own surprise, you’re saying the truth. Bucky hasn’t been in your mind lately, even though you know it won’t be for long.
“No? And what have you been thinking about?”
Looking down to your lap, you watch yourself fiddling with your nails. You twist your mouth to the side before you bite your lower lip. The thing is that since finding out about the baby the excitement that came has lessened, and the little hint of fear has become a monster inside you, lodging in your thoughts.
“I’m gonna screw this up, I know I will.” You blurt it out in an exasperated voice, looking up at Heloise again, who quirks a questioning brow at you, “Do you know how many time I’ve hold a baby in my life? None. Zero fucking times. I have no idea how much a baby weighs, where would I even put my hands…what if I drop them?
“Y/n-” Heloise tries to get your attention.
“Their bodys are so fragile and tiny,” You watch your hands as you shape them to mimic a newborn’s size, “What if I hold them the wrong way and hurt them?” Their little neck seems so soft … What if I don’t have breast milk?” You bring your palm to your forehead, staring at nothing as you keep your frantic questions, “What if they choke up while I’m feeding them? Oh my God…” You pant and your hand drops to your mouth briefly, “I haven’t thought of that before…”
“Y/n-” Heloise tries a little louder.
“Besides, I’m fucked up,” You scoff and shake your head “The only logical thing is I fuck up with this baby’s head too, I know I will… And I’m doing this alone, the girls are amazing but at the end of the day, I’m the mother, the responsibility is mine, oh fuck-”
“Y/N!”
The yell coming from Heloise is enough to stop your monologue, as your wide eyes snap at her.
“My dear, Y/n,” She says, calmly this time. You stare as she scrunches up her face and rubs her temples while still holding her pen. “You’re gonna give me a headache.”
Your head tilts as you squint at her, watching as her hands drop from her head and she writes down something on a blank page of her little notebook.
“All valid concerns.” She keeps writing as she speaks, “But, as qualified and amazing as I am-”
You sigh.
“I can’t help with all of them. So, here’s something I think it’s going to be perfect for you.” She finishes writing and rips off the page, extending it to you.
With the page in your hands you read an address in it.
“It’s a support group for…” she ponders for a moment, “parents without a partner.” Heloise seems pleased with her choice of words.
Your eyes roll, “You can say single mother.”
“And hurt your pregnant feelings? Never!” She mocks outrage, placing a hand over her heart, “Besides, it’s not just for mothers, there are fathers there as well.” Her face light up as if an incredible idea has come to her mind, “Oh… this might be even more interesting than I thought…” She smirks and wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.
Catching her meaning, you huff, lying back on your chair, “Jesus, Heloise, I’m pregnant…”
“My point exactly. Just wait until the pregnancy hormones hit you hard and leave you horny as fuck. Then we’ll talk.” She states with a straight face, pointing at the walls behind her with her pen.
“Will this be helpful? For real?” You ignore her comment.
“It will.” She speaks more seriously, “A friend of mine is the mediator. She’s a specialist. Trust me.”
“Well,” You fold the little paper and reach behind you to tuck it in your back pocket, “I’ll give it a shot.”
~~~
“Dear God, Steve, can you just stop?” Bucky huffs, interrupting whatever his friend had been saying.
“Stop what?” Steve asks from across the table, gulping down his coffee as he rests the cup back on the wooden surface. He looks at the man across the table with his brows furrowed in confusion.
Bucky waves his hand around his friend, “Doing whatever it is you’re doing to make the staff and customers here all so damn fuzzy. Can’t you hear the whispers? The dirty mind in these people…” Bucky glances up to the ceiling of the small coffee shop and puffs, before taking a sip from his own coffee.
A rush of red creeps up Steve’s pale neck to his ears, but he still manages to give Bucky a small cheeky smile and shrug, “Can’t help you with that, pal. I’m doing absolutely nothing.”
“Show off.” Bucky scowls.
Steve chuckles, “I miss this, Buck. It’s been a while since we last went for a run and coffee together.”
Bucky flicks his eyes up to him, before dropping them to his hands playing with the cup of coffee, “You’ve seen me a week ago, at the pizza house.”
“Yeah, I know, but I miss this.” Steve shakes his hand back and forth, “You and me only.” The smile curling his lips has a touch of nostalgia, “And I miss you in the Tower. Everyone does.”
“I know,” Bucky agrees softly and glances at his friend, “It’s the same for me. But I need this time away, you know I do.”
“Yeah, yeah… but for how long?” Steve forehead creases, “How much time away will you need? Two years didn’t seem to be enough before…” he trails off.
The not so subtle hint dropped doesn’t slip from Bucky’s attention. His jaw clenches and he shots a warning glare at his friend, “Just don’t, Steve.”
“Okay, okay, sorry.” Steve raises his hands to the air in a sign of surrender, “I don’t wanna fight with you.” He leans his elbows on the table and takes a good look of his friend, who grabs his coffee for another sip, “How do you like the new apartment? How’s Brooklyn?”
“Not the same. Too crowded. Too loud.” Bucky answers grumpily.
“Yeah, nothing is the same these days.” Steve sighs, “Have you been sleeping well?” He nods towards the evident dark circles around Bucky’s eyes.
“They haven’t stopped,” Bucky breathes, knowing what Steve’s question really is about, considering he was the one – besides you, of course- who had been helping him through constant nightmares back in the tower, “Anna spent the night one of these days… I’m kind of glad I wasn’t able to get a wink of sleep that night, to be honest…”
“Oh yeah, and what kept you awake?” Steve asks, before bringing his cup to his lips.
“Y/N called.” Bucky clears his throat.
“Really?” Steve’s eyes well up “What for?” He leans over, giving Bucky his full attention.
Bucky focus on his fidgeting fingers over the table. “She… it seemed like she had something to tell me. But I- I didn’t let her speak.” He can’t help the shame fastened on his voice. He glances up at Steve, “Do you have an idea of what she wanted to tell me? Is she… is everything ok with her?”
“Now I’m allowed to talk about her?” Steve asks, tilting his head.
Bucky grimaces impatiently. “Come on, stop being a punk.”
Steve taps on his thighs and leans back, “I don’t know, but now that you mentioned, I haven’t really been seeing her much these days…Last time I bumped into her she was leaving the tower early in the morning with Nat and Wanda. They seemed to be in a hurry…”
“Would you… would you check on her?” Bucky’s shoulders slump and his voice is small, almost pleading, “I was kind of a jerk and didn’t listen to what she wanted to say. It could be important. Just… just see if she’s ok. But, please don’t tell her I asked.” Bucky swallows.
After you hung up the phone he had felt like throwing up. He was disgusted at himself. You called in the middle of the night, two months after no contact at all and he didn’t have the decency to at least try to listen. He treated you like shit, instead. You said you wanted to meet in person… But he is terrified to meet you…He’s afraid of himself in your presence. The thing is he made a commitment with Anna and he knows it’s what’s best for everybody if you two stay away from each other. But he simply can’t shake off the feeling that you might be needing him and it’s been killing him inside.
“Of course,” Steve’s voice brings him back to the present. “But I don’t see why you don’t do it yourself.” Steve shrugs, folding his arms in front of his chest, “And maybe you could apologize for being a jerk, too.”
“Steve…” Bucky groans and his head drops.
“No, Buck I mean it. Sorry but I can’t stand still and quiet while I see my best friend being such a thickhead dumbass. This little arrangement of you and Anna…” He points his finger at Bucky “It will only make things worse, can’t you see?”
“I thought you liked her.” Bucky snaps.
“And I do. We all like Anna.” Steve adds, “She’s always been sweet and all, but I don’t know.” He clicks his tongue and shakes his head lightly, “She used to be your therapist for fuck’s sake. Have you forgotten about that?” Steve opens his arms in a questioning sign, “Don’t you think this is at least a little messed up? I mean… I’m not saying she’s doing something deliberately… It just seems like she’s so in love with you she doesn’t even realize she’s getting into a dangerous territory. Besides, you don’t love her that way and you’ve been lying to yourself if-”
“I don’t get you, Steve. Whose side are you?” Bucky cuts him off, tilting his chin up and crossing his arms over his chest, staring at the other man.
Steve’s expression softens, but the concern still traces his face and voice, “You know damn well whose side I’ll always be on. I just think there’s no way someone won’t get out of this hurt…Odds are it’s going to be the three of you.”
“Listen,” Bucky breathes in before he gets up. He stops right beside Steve and puts a hand on his shoulder, “Just check on her, will ya? And then give me a call.”
He pats Steve’s shoulder and walks away, leaving his frustrated and worried best friend behind.