Chapter 10
Two lines.
It only takes two little straight red lines to turn your world upside down.
You’re sitting on the side of the bathtub of the bathroom as your surroundings turn into a blurry fog and your attention is completely focused on the little white stick in your hands, the one Natasha stealthily bought for you after you puked your guts out all over the kitchen sink.
Two lines…
“Y/N? Are you ok? Can we come in?”
It takes a few more seconds, but Wanda’s voice behind the closed door shakes you out from your little stupor. You blink a few quick times and take a deep intake of air before you get up and plod towards the door. When you open it, two pairs of expectant green eyes meet yours.
“You guys were right,” you murmur as you show them the two little lines attesting the positive result, “I am… pregnant.” It’s weird when your own words reach your ears. You’re pregnant. Taking a shuddering breath, you walk past them to slump into the armchair by your bed. The stick still firmly secured in your hand.
It’s a split instant before Nat and Wanda follow you. Nat sits at the arm beside you, placing a hand on your shoulder as Wanda kneels in front of you, concern etched on both their faces.
“I can’t believe it,” the voice coming out of your lips is low, as you stare at nothing, shaking your head, “It was only one time…”
“That’s all it takes, honey,” Natasha snorts, but shuts ups after Wanda shoots a glare at her.
“I wasn’t taking any precautions,” you keep talking as if Nat never said a word, “There hasn’t been anyone since I left and it was the last thing on my mind when I returned and… and then… that night on the roof, I- I didn’t… we didn’t…” you trail off, looking pleadingly at Wanda and then at Nat, desperately begging them for something, anything, even if you have no idea what. As your confidants and best friends, you don’t have to tell them again which night you’re referring to.
“Shhh,” Wanda sooths, taking your empty hand in hers, “It’s ok, honey. Don’t think of that now.”
“Yeah, babe.” Nat squeezes your shoulder, “We’re here for you. We’ve got your back, no matter what.”
The three of you stay like that for a while, with no more words spoken. Even so, you feel the warmth of their combined presence, their silent and strong support. You feel grateful for having them, because you know you’ll need them. Being pregnant, having a child… you’ve never really thought about any of that before. Even in your best times with Bucky, all you wanted was to experience what you were feeling for him. The idea of a child never crossed your mind, even less so now, when everything is so messed up and complicated.
However…
“Have you thought about what you’re going to do?” Nat breaks the silence in a soft, careful voice, as if she’s read your mind. “It’s still early. You have options and…”
“I know.” You look up at her and nod. “I know you’ll both support me in whatever decision I make…”
“We absolutely will,” Wanda assures you, “Tell us what’s on your mind, dear,” Her thumb draws soft circles on the back of your hand.
“I-I,” You gulp down and lick your lips, “I think I need to be alone right now,” You give them a tight smile, “I need to think about this by myself, just for now.”
“Are you sure?” Wanda asks as a crease appears between her eyebrows, looking up at you.
“I am.” You bite your lip briefly before continuing, “I’ll sleep on it and I’ll talk to you guys tomorrow. I’ll be ok, I promise. Is that alright?”
“Of course it is, honey.” Nat nods and gets up, being followed by Wanda, “But don’t hesitate on calling us for anything. I mean anything.” She tilts her head, raising a warning brow at you.
“Ok.” You nod, before whispering, “Thank you, guys. I mean it.”
They both give you a bone crushing hug before walking out the door.
As soon as they’re out of your room you let your body fall to the backrest and the tears you’ve been holding back run down your face freely. As a small smile slowly curls up your lips you know you lied to them and even to yourself. You don’t have to think about options. Not at all. Despite the shock, you had your mind made up as soon as you saw those two lines. As much as you’ve never thought about it before, now it’s a reality and all you think about is how you can’t wait to see your baby’s face. Your baby. Your child.
Your smile changes into a blissful, watery laugh and you bring the hand holding the stick to your chest, the other let sprawl over your belly, still seemingly unchanged. The cacophony of sobs and giggles turn into one single sigh of contentment, of cheer and unexpected happiness with a hint of anticipation and even fear, you dare say. A brand new kind of fear, one you’re excited in feeling. A whole new emotion surfaces inside you. The first of many, you’re sure of it.
Bucky.
Your head snaps up at the thought of him. You want to tell him. You need to tell him. He’s the only one you want to talk to right now. You need to call him, tell him to come over, you need to see his face when you tell him.
Leaving the little stick behind, you rush up from your seat to the nightstand where your cellphone is. After you throw yourself on your bed you unlock the screen and search his number on the contacts list. You’re about to press the call button when you freeze.
That little hint of fear morphs into an ice cold dread in your chest. The doubts bubble in your mind as you remember all about your last conversation. He said he needed distance from you. What if he doesn’t get as excited as you about the baby? He’s been away for two months, clearly things are working out between Anna and him, what if he takes the news as bad news? Another thing in the way of his happiness?
The doubts, the uncertainty…they’re terrifying. You definitely don’t want him to think you expect something from him because you’re pregnant. You love him, you desperately do, but you don’t want to get back together because of some sense of obligation or anything like that.
Nevertheless… he has the right to know, doesn’t he? The baby is as much his as it is yours… He is the father after all…
You take your lower lip between your teeth, and nod your decision. He can do whatever pleases him after he finds out , but you simply can’t not tell him something this life changing and you’re too excited to wait another minute. You gulp down the anxiety creeping up your throat and press the call button.
~~~
“Dinner was absolutely delicious,” Anna exclaims, hanging her coat on the hanger of Bucky’s living room, “Sam and Steve seemed to have liked it, too.”
“Of course they did.” Bucky chuckles, “All-you-can-eat pizza is always a win with them,” he adds, sitting on the sofa.
“And with you,” Anna mocks, taking a place beside him and holding his hand into hers, “But it’s not just that…” she adds, with a sigh, “They seem to be getting used to, I mean, us. Don’t you think?”
Bucky looks up at her and nods, bringing her hand to his lips, “Of course they are,” he says then resting their joined hands on his lap.
Her smile is soft and hopeful before she lets her head drop to his shoulder. It was the first time they had done something with other people. The news about Anna and him took most of the group by surprise and, since then, it has been… weird, to say the least. They were used to seeing her as a friend, not as Bucky’s girlfriend. But the fact that she was his former therapist is what he suspects that has been the most strange for the team…
Not to mention the fact that Bucky moving out and spending close to no time at the tower or with the whole group have also been an issue. Only Steve and probably also Nat and Wanda know about the latest events concerning you and him, and the rest of them don’t understand why Bucky felt the need to stay away.
But time has been playing its part and, slowly, his closest friends have shown their support. Like Steve and Sam, who had agreed on the dinner. But, in fact, he can’t blame them or the rest of the group for taking the news as odd and needing time to adjust when himself has been having some trouble with it… He thought the affection he felt for Anna would quickly turn into something more and hopefully rip the old feelings out of his heart.
The old feelings…
Anna has been wonderful. A lot more than he deserves. She’s been kind, attentive, patient, never pushing the boundaries not even he knew he had. She’s perfect, absolutely perfect, and he cares for her deeply, but… That’s the thing. He’s not sure what to do to erase the “but” of their relationship.
He has to change it. She deserves all of him. No “buts”. Yes, he’s been honest with her, telling her everything about how he still feels about you, everything that had happened with you before they had that talk after that mission and she accepted him, without question. Even that night at the rooftop didn’t seem to be a problem to her.
She deserves more. He has to let go of the ties that insist to hold him back from giving himself to her fully. He has to.
“Wanna watch a movie before I go?” Anna lifts her head from his shoulder, looking at him, expectation evident in her eyes.
“Why don’t you stay tonight?” The words slip out of his mouth as he looks down at her. He has to try…
Her eyes widen for a fraction of second, “Are you sure?”
“Of course I am.” It feels good when her smile brings one to his lips, too.
“But, I didn’t bring any clothes…”
He quirks a playful brow at her, “And that’s a problem because…” He laughs and grabs her hand when she shoves him on his chest. An adorable blush tinting her cheeks. “Don’t worry, you can borrow a t-shirt from me.” He kisses her on the cheeks.
“Ok, then.” She tilts his head with a hand on his jaw and pecks him on the lips, “I’ll stay.”
He smiles again. That’s it. He has to try harder and everything will be alright.
“What about that movie now?” Bucky asks.
The grin on Anna’s face is unyielding as she swiftly nods.
~ ~ ~
Halfway through the movie Anna has picked, they’re snuggled together on his sofa, sharing a chocolate bar in dim lights. It’s quiet, simple and calm. Everything Bucky wants and knows he can have with Anna. He’s made the right choice.
The light of an incoming call steals his attention from the movie to his cellphone on the center table. His eyes narrow. Considering he’s on a leave from missions, he wonders who it could be at that late hour…Detaching himself from Anna’s hold, he chuckles at her whine and leans over to grab the vibrating phone.
The name on the screen causes him to freeze as he stares at it.
Y/N?
“Who is it?” Anna asks behind him.
He ignores his racing heart to tilt his head back and answer, “It’s Y/N.” His jaw clenches as the phone keeps vibrating in his hand.
“Oh,” Anna breathes, leaving the chocolate bar aside and shifting on the sofa.
“I’m not gonna take it.” Bucky answers simply, resting his back on the backrest again, and leaving the cellphone on the cushion beside him, right when it stops vibrating. He takes in a breath, and put his arm around Anna, pulling her close. He pretends to pay attention to the movie again.
Even if she cuddles back into him, he can feel the tenseness in Anna’s body. That’s exactly what he doesn’t want to happen. At the same time, he can’t help but wonder why you would call him, he told you the two of you needed to stay away. He knew he would need the distance, precisely to avoid situations like this, when his heart is jumping at the sight of your name on his screen, but having Anna in his arms instead.
His head snaps to his phone as a message alert comes in. It’s almost unconscious when his hand flies to grab the device and unlocks the screen to read your text.
“Hi, I need to talk to you. Could you come over?”
Another comes in almost at the same time.
“Alone?”
Bucky swallows back as an attempt to ease down the lump in his throat. Looking to the other side, Anna’s seems focused on the movie, but the twitch on her throat and her tight lips are evidences that the movie is the last thing on her mind.
He has to try. This is what he wants. This is what’s right for him. He puts the cellphone back on the cushion.
10 minutes pass that contain only the sounds coming from the TV. The tension makes the air hard to breathe. Ten minutes and his phone starts buzzing again.
“You should answer it, Bucky,” Anna says in a controlled voice, turning to look at him.
“No,” he shakes his head, “I’ve told her we needed space… We haven’t talked to each other in two months, I have no idea why she would call me now.”
He reaches for the buzzing phone and is about to turn down the call when Anna grabs his wrist, stopping him from doing so, prompting him to briskly turn his bewildered expression towards her.
“Just answer it and find out what she wants. It doesn’t seem like she’ll give up,” She forces a tight smile, but her tone reveals on her distress, “It’s ok, go ahead, I’ll grab some water in the kitchen.”
Bucky watches as Anna gets up and rushes to the kitchen, hating the sadness and insecurity gracing her features. Damn it, this is not how he wanted this night to be. Taking in a deep breath, he does what she told him to and swipes his finger to the right.
“Hello,” the growing frustration inside him seeps into his tone.
“Oh, ahm, Hi…Hi, Bucky-”
“Why are you calling, Y/N?” His tone remains harsh after your stammering greeting reaches his ears. The fact that the mere sound of your voice could cause his heart to skip a beat adds to his frustration.
He can hear your short gasp through the phone before you stay silent for a moment, “Ahm, is this a bad time?” you ask with a small voice.
“Yes, yes it is.” He runs his hand over his face, “I’m with my girlfriend right now. I told you we needed to stay away from each other, Y/n. I don’t understand why you’re calling.” The words blurt out of his lips as his chest grows tight and his jaw tenses.
“I-I know, but I need to talk to you. It’s really important.”
“What could you possibly wanna talk about?” Bucky barely holds back the volume of his voice. He knows he’s being a little too aggressive, a little too unfair, but he just can’t help it. He just loses control when it comes to you. Plus, his girlfriend is right there in the kitchen, probably feeling dejected and disappointed on a night when he tried to take the next step on their relationship, but now he’s there talking to you. The woman he still loves like crazy. The one he’s being trying so damn hard to forget. All of that is enough to do a number on his nerves.
He has to be firm. He has to stick to his resolve.
“Like I said it’s really important,” There’s a renewed and defensive steady tone in your voice, “I’d rather not talk about it on the phone. I thought maybe you could stop by the tower tomorrow. Or we could meet somewhere else…”
“I won’t do any of that.”
“What?” You scoff. Your heavy breathing is loud and clear through the phone, “Bucky, I know you don’t wanna see me or talk to me. I get it, but-”
“This important thing you wanna talk about, is it about one of our friends? Work? Or does it have anything to do with us?”
“Yes, in a way it’s about us.” Your voice threatens to falter.
“Then I have no interest in it whatsoever and I won’t meet you. Please, don’t push it, Y/N.”
An endless moment of silence goes by before you ask, firmly, “Are you sure?”
“Positive.” He forces himself to say.
“Is this your final word? There’s nothing I could say to change your mind?” You insist.
“Not a thing in the world.” Bucky gulps down after stating his resolution.
“So be it.” Unlike your first lines through the call, your voice is now hard and tied up in determination, “Don’t worry, I won’t ever bother you again.”
He doesn’t have time to say anything else before you hung up.