It CAN Get Weirder!

“This is CRAZY. It looks like it was wired by a team of dedicated puppies,” Peni said. She and SP//dr rummaged through the wires with matching grimaces, as their bright rubber casings wriggled around them. Exposed copper shone with a menacing light to Peni’s right, and she beckoned SP//dr over so that they could cover it.

“Agreed! Now do you know how to hack it? Please tell me you can hack it in five seconds. Try saying ‘I’m in.’ That usually works.” Peter said. Peni rolled her eyes and continued tapping at the screen, grumbling about ancient tech.

“Our worlds aren’t governed by the same laws, Peter-chan. We’re gonna have to follow this things’ itinerary and get to the Hub.” she said. Wade snickered in the background, struggling to take off his waiter shirt, and PB poked him in the gut to shut him up.

“Right. Fine. Great!” Peter snapped, pacing the pod. Noir gave him a disapproving look and replaced his questionable white hat with his classic gray one.

“I can’t believe we haven’t gotten to fight, like, at all. Even anime over here got to beat the shit out of a scientist and hand them over to the cops.” Wade said.

“Don’t use that sort of language in fronta the kid, Wade.” Noir admonished. The scar above his lip twitched. Peter Porker remembered what those lips had done to get them away from the press and decided to concentrate on Being Angry about Being Human for the time being.

“Trust me, you’ll get to fight. Every one of the… things guarding the Hub is a bad chikushou, and our cloaking tech won’t get us past all of them unseen.” Peni warned. Wade pumped his fist in the background, having mentally checked out after hearing the word “fight.”

“I feel like that word’s one of the things you shouldn’t be using,” Noir warned. He put up his hands as Peni glared at him.

“The pod’s material is called Latverium, and it’s protecting us from glitching.” Peni said. “It’s basically rewriting our DNA to fit whichever universe we visit.” Peni pulled out a dead moth from the carapace of the MurderCoffin and studied it with a scientist’s intrigue.

“Then why am I the only one who got a total overhaul? The works, if you will?” Peter said. PB put a hand on his shoulder.

“It was programmed in to just work once. Whatever--who was it? Doctor Octopussy-Cat wanted to do, he only had the tech to do a total DNA rewrite once. Cute name for a villain, by the way.” Peni held out a hand, and PB placed a piece of candy in it. It was gone in a moment.

“Not cute! Don’t give him the satisfaction of being considered cute!” Peter could feel steam preparing to come out of his ears. PB massaged his temples.

“I’m helping you, Ham!” Peni said, crossing her arms. Cartoon vein-lines appeared on her forehead. Noir’s eyes widened, and he almost reached out to poke one before thinking better of it and crossing his arms behind his back. Peter winced and pressed his lips together as Peni calmed herself, breathing in and out a few times.

“Sorry I can’t change you back right now,” Peni said, “and I know this is pretty… ahh… unusual. But we can get through this. This pod’s punching its way through universes one at a time, and we’ll be at the Hub quickly if we just move fast. We’ll have the tech there to get back to normal.”

“Okay,” Peter said, “okay. Sounds good. Sorry about that. It’s been a strange few days.”

“Yeah, what the Hell happened?” PB finally asked, hands in the air. “We got the tech from the scientist, I know that. But there was a fight, and that scientist was a supervillain, and apparently you guys got a table at this place?”

“Yeah. Apparently, our body doubles in this universe are… frieeennds.” Peter looked to Noir, who resolutely did not make eye contact.

“Friends? They’re married.” Peni said. She slammed the control panel door. “I did fiddle with it. The ride to Gwen’s and Miles’ universes should be smoother.”

“Thanks, and--wait. Wait. Slow down.” PB said, blinking as though he were encountering a difficult calculus problem. “You and Noir are married in Peni’s universe?”

Peni gave Peter and Noir a guilty smile and shrugged as Noir did his best to melt into the shadows and Ham’s sound effects played a record scratch. Thanks, sound effects. How generous of you to call even more attention to a mortifying situation.

“Yeeeah, well, um. Okay, you know what? I’m going to sprint through the wall of this pod,” Peter said. Wade threw an arm around him and held on, grinning like a fool.

“Detaaails. I thirst for the details.” Wade said.

“They’re hologram stars.” Peni said, her smile shifting from apologetic to mischievous.

“Picture show stuff,” muttered Noir, “now can we--”

“No, for once, I agree with Wade. This is crazy.” PB said. “So you impersonated movie stars to get a table? God, I wish I could get tables for being famous.”

“But you’re Spider-Man!” Peni said. PB gave her a look that said almost everything.

“What happened? Did you hold haaands? Aww, Noir, don’t blush, it’s adorable!” Wade said. Peter looked over to find that Noir was, indeed, blushing a warm shade of gray and trying to bury his face in his collar. Noir fumbled for his mask and shoved it on, further incriminating himself.

“Come on, guys, lay off! It’s not a big deal. All we did was hold hands over the table while our waitress was there, and Noir also kissed me so that the papparazzi would get off our back and oh no.” Peter slapped a hand over his mouth with a cymbal-crash sound. “Oh, no, I got ahead of myself. Way ahead. Please pay no heed to anything I said.”

Wade, paying very close heed, was the least open-mouthed and shocked of the other three. His chest began to shake silently, with laughter, as he released his hold on Porker’s shoulders to lean back against the wall. Noir gave Wade a glare--if looks could kill, this one would’ve taken Wade weeks to regenerate from.

“You didn’t have to say that, trotter,” warned Noir. PB blinked a few times and tried to shrug it off, failing, as he opened and closed his mouth a few times.

“That’s kawaii!” Peni gasped. Her eyes grew in size and sparkled, starling Noir. Wade finally lost it and slumped against the wall completely, cackling.

“Okay, fine, laugh it up! He did what he had to do,” Peter said. He and Noir began speaking over each other, explaining:

“Well, y’see, it’s like this, a few flash-bulb hawkers--”

“--and it was the only way to get them off our backs--”

“--it was a mob house, lemme tell ya, a real toe-kicking--”

“--on the cheek! What’s wrong with an on-the-cheek kiss?”

Wade jumped up from the floor with the agility of a trained mercenary--which made a lot of sense, considering he was one--and composed himself as PB continued to almost ask a question and then think better of it. Peni smiled like a tiny, adorable, and all-too-proud of herself cat and pretended to fiddle with the screen as the pod moved into motion, much less rockily. Peter wished she’d made it more rocky. That would be a wonderful distraction.

“Just so you know, I’m never not going to hold this over your heads.” Wade said.

“Pool,” PB warned.

“Accept me for who I am, Peanut Butter: a petty asshole.” Wade mock-bowed and then, mercifully, shut his mouth.

“Just hold it over our heads quietly.” Peter begged. Wade shrugged. Noir sighed.

“So, where are we going next?” the detective asked, coughing to hide his embarrassment.

“Our friendly neighborhood Spider-Woman.” PB said, lip quirking.

“Ooh! Montage time! Please say montage time. It’s been ten chapters.” Wade begged.

“What do you mean, ten chap--” PB was cut off as the universe decided to cut Wade a break, and the pod sped up.

---

“Okay. Please explain. Again.” Gwen said, hanging upside down in the middle of her room with the look of a mother who has found her children elbows-deep in a cookie jar.

Peter held up a hand and pointed to his fingers. “One. Two. Three. Four. Fi--”

“But how?” She dropped to the floor of her room and threw her hands in the air, her hair flopping to the wrong side before settling into her half-shave.

Gwen’s room was messy--surprisingly so. For someone with that much grace on the battlefield, she lacked the tidiness Peter would have expected. Her room was a mix of hoodies draped over chairs, little doodles on scattered papers, homework, dust that she kept calling “dance rosin” and explosive neon posters tacked to the wall with pins. Heck, even his room was a LOT cleaner than this.

“Basically, this thing rewires you when you use it so that you’re… formatted for the universe you’re going to.” Peni hopped down from her perch on SP//dr’s dome to gesture with her hands. “It just went overboard the first time. My guess is that Doc Octopussy-Cat--”

“Sorry, who?” Gwen said, putting a hand to her head. PB put a hand on her shoulder.

“Just roll with it.” He said.

“As I was saying…” Peni’s mouth became an irritated, unnaturally straight line. Boy, anime was weird. “My guess is that Porker’s Doc Ock wanted to become human, for his conquest.”

“So he targeted universes where the Doc Ock is out of commission, or in the slammer, or takng the big sleep,” Noir said, snapping his fingers. Peni beamed at him, nodding.

“Yup! Glad someone figured it out.” Peni said. “Only, Porker accidentally fell into the machine instead, and now…”

“Five fingers.” Peter finally finished, slumping.

Gwen’s hand shifted to her chin, and she stared at Peter long enough to make him fidget. She buried her face in the crook of her elbow and groaned, turning away.

“Alright. Fine. I’ll help. You came kinda inconveniently, y’know.” Gwen said, throwing her hands up.

“Sorry about this.” Noir said. “We’d just appreciate the help, for someone we could trust. He’s our friend.”

“Aww, adorable!” Wade said. He put up his hands as Noir gave him a look strong and sharp enough to crack steel. Peter felt that Noir was going to have to do that a lot, now. He went pink. Gwen lifted her head and looked between the two of them, and Peter began whistling, his go-to Acting Casual Activity that, honestly, didn’t work well.

“Is there… anything else I should know?” She asked, as she grabbed a few items and tossed them into a bag. She grabbed her suit and started to duck into her bathroom, in order to change.

“No.” Noir said.

“No!” Peter said.

“Yeah, just go ahead and change. We’re going to Miles’ place next.” PB said, in a blessed display of absolute apathy.

“Thanks,” Gwen said. It took her about a minute--Peter could change in ten seconds, thanks to Toon Laws--but she came out suited, mask in hand.

“Let’s go,” she said. “You said the pod was on 8th and 31st?”

---

“Ok. Please explain. Again.” Miles Morales lowered a web shooter and stared at his friends as they indicated the pod, and then Peter. Peni held up Peter’s hand and poked it. Peter didn’t know how to feel about that.

“Alright, so the first thing you need to know is that Doctor Octop--Doc Ock…” Peni began.

The explanation was faster this time, and no less confusing for Miles, who clearly hadn’t expected to be drafted for The Spider Gang’s Big Adventure while out web-swinging.

“So, can ya help?” Noir asked. Peter gave Miles his best puppy eyes. They were much less effective now that he wasn’t a cartoon pig, which was a lot more puppy-adjacent than a human. Miles hesitated, then gave a firm nod.

“You better be glad it’s winter break at Visions. I’m already supposed to spend the holidays with Gangke--”
“Oh?” Gwen prodded. Miles blushed.

“Hey, come on! It’s not like that.” Miles said. “Okay, it-well-I-anyway. I’ll tell him to cover for me. How long do you think this whole thing will last?”

“A few days, if this cloaking device works,” Peni said, with a shrug. “We should be fine.”

“Got it. Then I’m in.” Miles stood up straighter, looking as strong as he could. It made Peter uncomfortable that he was now almost taller than the kid. Stupid realistic human height.

“Great!” Peter said. “You need anything?”

“I got everything packed up at my dorm,” Miles said. “We can run by there. Come on.”

“Running by,” in this case, actually meant “swinging in as sneakily as possible,” as they alighted in Miles’ room so that he could snatch up his things. A call to Gangke, during which Miles stuttered three times, and then Miles had his stuff, a duffel bag with his own logo on it.

“You don’t think that’s suspicious? Just having that?” PB asked.

“Hey, whoever heard of a spider who wore his own merch?” Miles smirked. PB looked at Miles like a proud uncle watching his nephew pull off a damn successful prank. Peter noticed the way Wade looked at PB when the Spider-Man looked away: softer, kinder, appreciative of the guy. Oh, crap. Was that how he looked at Noir?

What do you mean? You don’t look at Noir like that. He’s cute, that’s all. You don’t have a crush, like Wade--

Ooooh. That explained it. Wade was in love with PB, wasn’t he? Peter looked away, embarrassed, as though he’d lifted up a rock and found someone else’s treasure underneath. His eyes caught on the bunk bed, and he realized just how long he’d been awake. The bed. The glorious sleep-zone. Oh, it looked so nice--

Peni swatted his hand as he began to extend it to touch the covers. “What are you doing?” She snickered, then paused as she looked him over.”

“You look exhausted! How long have you been awake?” Peni said. Her voice alerted Gwen, who peeked over and winced.

“Yikes. Yeah, you look tired, Ham.” said Spider-Woman, biting her lip.

“I was up all night, too actually,” Miles admitted, earning a stern frown from PB. “Painting.”

“Seriously, kid? Get some rest!” PB admonished, ignorant to the fact that he looked like absolute garbage.

“Hey, you’re one to talk!” Miles protested. Peter looked to Noir, again, and noted the dark gray beneath his friend’s eyes. Hadn’t those always been there? And Peni, too, looked tired. She’d probably been up for a while in her lab before they even showed up. She’d mentioned tracking their pod. Regardless, they’d all been up for… a while, clearly. Except maybe Gwen. She was the only responsible one.

“We don’t have time to take a wink, everyone.” Noir said, crossing his arms.

“Have to disagree. Almost everyone has already left for the holidays. We can stay in here.” Miles waved his hands around his tiny dorm room. He looked as though he were trying to stretch it to a realistic size with his energy.

Wade stared, then shook his head. “Okay. No. Who here brought money? We need hotel rooms, at least. I can’t get beauty sleep in something that reminds me this much of college.”

“Did you even go to college?” Asked PB. Wade ignored him.

Gwen offered the $10 she’d had in her back pocket. Noir looked as though he were about to collapse, before Miles gently reminded him that money was worth a hell of a lot less, now. Peni mumbled something about future currency being telepathic, which made Noir look baffled in a cute--no, objectively charming and humorous way.

Stop thinking about Noir.

PB explained that he’d left his wallet in their universe. Wade had zip. Miles scrounged up about $20, and Wade looked over the combined money hopelessly before turning to Peter, hand outstretched.

Peter reached into his pocket and pulled out a penny.

“Seriously?!” Wade shouted. Miles shushed him and peeked into the hall, looking for a security guard who didn’t come, thankfully.

“The amount of money I have with me is directly proportional to the amount of humor it causes.” Peter said, gesturing to an invisible chalkboard. Wade pouted.

“Doesn’t seem very funny to me. Hope the reader’s happy. Hey, give me one sec. I’m going to take a peek into next chapter.” Wade griped.

He walked out into the hallway, and Miles yelped, about to chase after him. PB stopped him with a hand.

“So, guess we’ll take a pit stop here. Who wants to play Uno?” PB said. Gwen rolled her eyes, but nodded. Peni asked what Uno was. Peter prepared for the inevitable battle when someone drew a +4.

“Is this gamblin’?” Noir asked, looking to Peni.

“No, but it causes just as many fights,” PB said. Noir sat patiently as the play order was explained.

Wade came back into the room a second later, still grumbling.

“So I just looked at next chapter, and yeah, the readers will be happy,” he said. “But this still blows.”

“Play Uno with us.” Noir said. “It’s a future game.”

“Whaddya mean, readers?” Peter asked, shuffling the deck as PB handed it to him. He fumbled it with his extra finger and sheepily handed it to Noir.

“Ignore him. He says weird stuff all the time.” PB said, laying down the first card. Green +2. $%!#.