Chapter 6
21, July, 2014
Joe walked inside the incident room quite early that morning, even by his own record. He had barely slept last night. His conversation with Kent had been playing in his head over and over again. Kent had been going through something, it was obvious that much. And Joe didn't dare to look deeper into the younger man's words. He was terrified for him. He had thought about calling Miles or Erica but he didn't know how to tell them what he was feeling when he had no idea himself. He didn't want to cause them unnecessary panic. And on top of it all he had made a promise last night; to keep their conversation between themselves.
He wished he could just go to Kent himself, let him know he was there for him, that he cared for him but he couldn't do that either. It wasn't his place. He had walked himself out of that position quite forcefully already. The worst part was that Joe wasn't sure if he was just reading too much into it or if Kent was actually in danger. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair desperate to be sat behind his desk. He could feel the headache crawling forward in his skull already. He entered the office and put his belongings away neatly. It wasn't until he was actually sat behind his desk that he noticed two envelopes on the top. The one on top was yellow the word 'Joe' written on the back. The one underneath looked more official, white envelope with places for sender's and receiver's addresses which both were blank aside from the word 'DI Chandler '. They were definitely delivered personally, placed exactly at the center of his desktop, edges perfectly parallel to all the paperwork he had placed there neatly last night. He would have been suspecious if it wasn't for the familiar handwriting. Neat and a bit wavy, leaning slightly to the right, it was Kent's handwriting. He felt something tightening in his stomach. Joe picked the one on top, the one that was meant for him, as a person not as DI. He was surprised to find it a bit heavier than expected. He pulled out the paper and started to read.
Dear Joe,
I hope you have time, because I have a lot to tell you.
It feels strange to me to address you like this. I have went through this conversation in my head so many times and yet when it came to it, I feel truly speechless. But then again you have always had that effect on me.
First thing first, because despite it not being my intention at all, I am aware that I might have scared you a bit last night. So let's make it clear; This is not a suicide note.
Long time ago I promised someone very dear to me that I'll spend a part of my life living the years they've lost. I know how it sounds, but we were just kids. Today I'm finally standing in this station and the decision to get on the train or turn my back on it is finally in my own hands, no deal, no promise. In this envelope there is a token of that promise and I would be honored if you accept it from me as a gift.
Because I owe you my life Joe and I don't know how to thank you. There is so much I wanted to tell you. Words that had always been on the tip of my tongue for years. Words that if were said, could have set me on fire and wash over me in a wave of calm all at once. There is a place in this world that I long for so deeply and yet I know it would never be mine. Words that you might already know yet I can't bring myself to voice; afraid that if they fall out of my lips, those hands I dreamed about for so long aren't not going to be there to catch them. So those words I am going to keep to myself.
Instead I need to tell you this; I am grateful for the chance to know you Joseph Chandler. After so many years in my life, it was for you that I found joy in what I do. It was for you that I felt like I have a place in this world and that I mattered. It was for you that I learned to become a better man. For that I am truly grateful and I owe you my life. It is for you and the hope you made me see in the world that I have made this decision today to step off the edge I've been standing on for ages.
You're an honorable man Joe, a good one and I hope you never forget that.
All that said I know that I have to finally find my own way in this world. I have been weighed down by these feelings for so long Joe, that it frightens me what would become of me if one day I'll choke on them. That is why I have to leave and take them with me somewhere I may one day be able to breathe. Perhaps going somewhere it all had started. I wish I could have seen you one last time but I can't. So I am taking the cowardly way out. I wish I was a brave man but I'm not. By the time you read this I'll be long out of your hair. I wish you an amazing life Joseph Chandler, because that's what you deserve. So don't let go of it when you find it.
Always yours
Emerson
Joe went through every word again and again letting the words sink in. He felt Kent's words taking the hold of all the wayward nerves in his body and pull them in one tight knot, setting heavily in his throat. He took the item inside the envelope with shaking hands. His eyes caught the sight of the familiar item. A small leather bag with and oak leaf charm hanging beside it. He untied the string and took out what was inside; A cigarette. It was old. Joe could say, probably not usable any longer. He placed the letter neatly in front of him and watched it, hoping for what he did not know. Joe closed his eyes and tried to keep his breathing under control. He reached for the second envelope and opened it. Joe didn't need to actually read it to know what it was. A resignation letter with Kent's warrant card.
Joe throw them on the table hastily not caring where they landed and reached for his tiger balm applying a heavy amount trying to chase away the pressure behind his eyes. He hadn't noticed the tears had already left his eyes till he was one land on Kent's letter, slightly smudging the word it touched. He watched over the words again. Kent's words, as timid as they were in their confession, were as clear as anything. Kent had showed his hand like a man who knew had already lost. The thought brought a new wave of tears to his eyes.
How long he wished to hear this? How hard had he tried to run from it? Too long. He ran his fingers gently over the last sentence imagining what it felt like it if it had been dark curls beneath his fingers instead of black ink. He tried to imagine what it felt like to have those words whispered in his ears by that velvet voice. To see that look in adoring big brown eyes and suddenly he was feeling another kind of pressure in his body, in his heart. Like he was a fragile glass jar filled with butterflies who were pushing against the the walls forcefully to be set free. It was a sort of feeling that chased away the heat from behind his eyes and pushed it down to the bottom of his spine. He took a deep breath and reached to wipe away the tears from his cheeks. He was tired of running. Putting the leather necklace around his neck he adjusted his tie and shirt so it was properly hidden from sight. Something for him to draw strength from whenever his own wavered. Imagining it was the hands that once held the leather in them that he was holding close to himself. He picked Kent's resignation letter and card and put them neatly in his desk drawer and folded the other letter, putting it in his wallet. Joe's eyes were drawn to the incident room when he heard a commotion.
He watched as his team walked in, nodding him their greetings as they saw him. It took some time but He finally noticed Miles looking around and stoping on Kent's desk frowning. It was expected since the younger man, aside from Joe himself, was always the first one in. He braced himself as his sergeant walked towards his office. The man knocked on the frame and came in before Joe said anything. "Good morning, Sir. "
"Miles." Joe said in a way of greeting. The DS paused as he looked at Joe closely, his frown deepening. "You alright sir? Had something came in? "He asked skeptically knowing if that was the case he would have been informed.
"No, nothing yet." Joe said with fake practiced calmness. He was about to have the most uncomfortable conversation in his life.
"Right." Said Miles still looking at him like he was an evidence bag. "I don't think you have any idea where Kent is do you?" He asked carefully, like a man testing waters.
"Actually I might." Joe said. "Would you please close the door." He said as Miles watched him with confusion. The older man did as he was told and sat in front of him.
"There is something we need to discuss. I need your help with something." Joe started his voice shaking slightly, not wanting to stall. Not anymore.
Something in Miles's face softened at this words. "Alright then. Go on. We don't have all day. " Said the older man. Joe took a deep breath and his fingers seeked the item around his neck over the crisp yet soft material of his shirt before he started. He had a man to find and he needed all the help he could get.