Chapter 7
14, August, 2014
Emerson walked toward the living room with a bottle of beer and a plate of yorkshire puddings, a gift from one of his neighbours, in hands. It has been a long time since he came back here. His hometown was just as he remembered it. The years after Summer's suicide had been a blur. He does remember his dad walking out on them though. He left one night and never came back. You can't just forget these things. The day he left for college he promised himself that he wouldn't come back. And he almost managed. So he came for a visit every Christmas because Erica asked him and his mother had actually started to change, be more accepting, more gentle and it reminded him of those few happy toddler years of his. Recently he even called her sometimes. But he had never been here in Summer's house which was technically his. The only people who knew were Erica and his mom. Dari who died seven years after her daughter from liver failure, had left the house for him. But he never went there. He never even thought of going back. He hated ghosts, and this house was full of them. So he left the key with his mom and told her to do with it as she pleased and never asked what became of it.
But few weeks ago when he came back home and asked her to help him find a place, she handed him the keys. That was when he told her everything. For the first time since he was eight he layed his head on her lap and she gently held him as he cried and told her all the things he had been keeping to himself. About Summer, Joe, his father's beatings when his mom wasn't home. He even told her about the striping and sat through an hour long session of her scolding him for keeping that from her all this time. It was his mother, to his suprise, who asked his opinion about seeing a therapist. She gave him the contact information for the one she was seeing herself. Told him how much it had helped her and how good it has been working for her. So he accepted it and after four sessions he was glad he had made that decision.
He had applied for a teaching position in their local school, his childhood school. Teaching music in highschool seemed like the closest he could get to his dreams of becoming a musician as a kid. He loved police work, but this was another passion that he hadn't tried in a long time. They had accepted him and now he was just waiting for the school year to begin, glad that he had enough money to pay for himself till then comfortably.
Going back to the house had been difficult. He was truly thankful that his mom had made sure the place was well kept all these years. What hit him even with more force was visiting Summer after fourteen years. By the end of that night he had been absolutely worn both mentally and physically. Past few weeks a lot had happened in Emerson's life. He and Erica face timed few times. But aside from that he hadn't made any contact with his old life. He turned on his laptop, putting some music on before starting his meal. He had barely made it to the second bite when the ringing of the doorbell stopped him. Looking out the window he realized it had started raining again, quite heavily and it was somewhat late for social calls. People who knew he lived here wouldn't really make a visit in this time unless it was something important so he got up quickly and went for the door. "Coming" he shouted.
Kent wasn't sure how to describe the feeling he got the moment he saw the figure on the other side. "You're.... Here." He almost mumbled with his mouth gaping.
"Hi." Said no one but his former boss, DI Chandler. Kent felt blood rushing to his face as the older man smiled at his surprised expression softly.
"How are you here?" He asked not moving away from the doorway. Erica had promised and he had hoped that his team respected him enough to not to trace his credit card or something. Joe looked at him in a way that he hadn't done before. There was fondness there and understanding and Kent suddenly didn't know what to do with it. He had shown his hand as cowardly as he may have, he thought and he didn't know what to think of this.
Joe looked at the sky slightly, blinking rapidly as some drops of water found his eyes. " I was hoping we could have this conversation inside." He looked back at Kent. " If the time is right of course... I didn't mean to assume..." He trailed off looking at Emerson hopefully. That was what snapped Kent out of his thoughts. "Of course... Where are my manners. Come in , before you get soaked completely." He stepped aside. Now that he looked carefully as Joe walked in his house he realized how tired the older man looked. He was a bit paler than usual, his eyes a bit dimmed. He was wearing a simple gray suit , a pale blue shirt no tie. Very underdressed by Chandler's standards he thought. "Here, let me." He said as he took Joe's coat and hanged it carefully by the door beside his. And no! That sight did not shake the jar of butterflies he kept perfectly out of reach in his stomach. He refused to acknowledge that. "Can I get you anything? He asked. "I was about to have dinner. There is enough for two." He said pointing to the table.
" No you go ahead. Although I wouldn't mind a glass of water." He said.
"Make yourself at home please." Said Emerson as he left to get the water.
Joe looked around carefully. It was an spacious place. Well kept but a bit vintage. He took of his jacket and folded it, placing it beside himself as he sat on the the armchair beside the sofa were Kent had laid out his meal. The younger man had put some lo-fi music on. That combined with the sound of rain and the cozy pallette of browns, blues and yellows in the house made him feel relaxed. He could see why Kent chose this place to start fresh. He felt himself smiling as the younger man walked back to living room, a glass of water in hand, dressing casually in jeans and a dark olive green cardigan. " Thank you." He said as he took it. Kent too went to sit down on the sofa. He picked his fork and took a bite.
"How did you find me?" He asked casually but Joe saw the tense line of his shoulders. He heard his careful voice.
"You said you'll go where it all started. Took us a while to find out where you lived before London, but we'll figured eventually." Joe said, " and the address, well it's a small town. I asked the first person I saw and they directed me here." He finished smiling. Joe if he was being honest didn't expect to find Kent in a small town, an hour long drive from London. He was still surprised how easy it went finding the exact address but apparently that was how it was in small towns. Although the man in the restaurant did keep looking at him oddly till he left, but at least he got an address.
Emerson felt himself relax a bit. He knew finding one's hometown was not difficult at all when you had access to the resources they had as detectives. If it had took Joe this long, it meant they had respected his privacy and looked for him the old-fashioned way. Aside from Erica there was only one person who could have said something. An old friend who listened to his story after he had a drunken breakdown when they had just wrapped up a domestic abuse case. Although he couldn't believe Joe had went this far back to reach out to the people he knew. " Sanders?" He asked conversationally.
Joe hummed smiling. "Miles mentioned you were close."
They sat in silence for a while. Both men thinking of how to go forward from there. Kent pushed his plate away not really in the mood anymore and took out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. He lit one and took a long drag before looking at Joe. He couldn't help but smile at the look of distaste. "Sorry?" He said not really feeling it.
"It's your house." Joe said.
"Look," Emerson leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. " If it's about the letter." He paused and looked down," you don't need to worry about it. I'm doing better. And..." He took another long drag, "the rest of it, I don't expect anything Joe. I never had. " He couldn't help the humourless chuckle that left his mouth." And that's okay. You can't help how you feel and that's... Okay." Emerson hated how his voice shook at the end." You don't have to..."
"And what if I wanted to?"
He looked up sharply. Joe was looking at him softly. His voice as nervous as it sounded was calm and sure. Kent had never felt more speechless in his life."but why wou.."
"Please don't finish that." Joe said gently but also frustrated. He stood up and came to sit down beside Kent, leaving a respectable distance between them but still closer than they had ever been. "Emerson." Joe started and the breath was caught in Kent's throat. He dropped his cigarette in the small ceramic plate he used for this and settled on worrying his fingers instead as he looked at Joe through his lashes briefly before he looked down again. He was so confused that he didn't know how to talk even if he wanted to. Joe hesitated slightly before reaching out and putting one of his hands on his, stilling them. His touch was careful, cautious and ready to draw back if needed but Emerson looked up smiling slightly and his hold on the younger man's smaller hands turned sure and firm, yet gentle. "I'm not really good at this. "He started. " So bear with me okay?" He waited a bit gathering his thoughts.
"Emerson, you were my first actual friend in Whitechapel." He started and smiled at the younger man's disbelieving look. But he continued, "you were bright and kind. You trusted me, when I needed it most. You always had"
"You seemed like a good DI. You are." Kent couldn't help but make that clear.
"Well I certainly didn't feel it and it meant so much to me." Joe said kindly.
Emerson pulled himself back a little." You don't owe me anything Joe."
"I know that. Just let me finish okay?" Joe said not letting go of Emerson's hand. "And later I just realized how brave you are when we were against the Brooks."
They both looked away not fond of those memories. "It was the first time I realized it was an actual possibility to lose you." Joe admitted. He had a lots of time to think recently. He had prepared this words for days not wanting to risk messing this up. "I was afraid. So afraid that I tried to keep my distance from you."
"But why?" Emerson asked with a shaky voice and he looked so hurt that Joe felt his heart clenching. But instead of turning away the younger man just turned his hands, now holding Joe's instead. Like he was afraid he would leave again. Now that he was given hope he didn't want to let go of it.
"Because I wanted to be closer to you. Much closer and it scared me. " It was his turn to look down. "I have never felt like this about a man, about anyone" he said bitterly. " And knowing there was a chance you could be ripped away from my side like that, so brutally, and that I couldn't do anything about that frightened me more than anything." By the time Joe finished his voice was small and guilty, "so I pushed you away. And I'm truly sorry for that. "He looked up again, eyes a bit shiny. "I never meant to hurt you." Joe finished, his eyes dropping down to their hands again.
Emerson looked at him for a moment. Taking in all the lines of his face, the way he was breathing, the way he couldn't look him in the eye and he knew that Joe meant it. He knew this man and he knew how much Joe had given up to open himself up to him like that. Was Emerson angry at this man? Maybe a little at first which led him to be a lot more angrier at himself, which landed himself in so much mess afterwards. The truth was no matter how broken his heart was, he had forgiven Joe a long time ago. He reached up with his hand to title Joe's head up a little, cupping his neck. His thumb ran a soothing pattern along the older man's jaw. He smiled as Joe leaned into his touch a little. "You're already forgiven." He said and he meant it. "And I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere." He almost whispered and leaned forward a little but not all the way. He wanted to make sure Joe wanted this. Joe looked him in the eye and a soft real smile graced his face as he saw adoration and fondness in Emerson's eyes. His eyes dropped to younger man's lips before he leaned forward all the way, kissing him gently. Kent couldn't help but melt into the touch as they lips moved against one another. He felt the other man's hand resting on his waist and drawing him closer. There was no rush to it, it was gentle and loving. Both men savoring the feeling of being kissed by the other. When they finally parted to breathe, their eyes locked again and their faces broke to a happy smiles. "Was that?" Joe asked sounding as breathless as Emerson felt.
"Perfect." Emerson answered without hesitation. "You ?"
"Better than I've ever imagined." Joe said gently and used the hand that was still resting on Emerson's waist to draw him closer and wrapping him in a tight embrace. They held eachother for a while before drawing back. Emerson didn't remember the last time he felt this relaxed. "Are you still sure about dinner?" He asked.
"Actually wouldn't turn it down now. " He said smiling." Do you mind showing me the bathroom first though?" He asked a bit nervously. It was okay Emerson thought. He knew Joe needed his time. "Of course. Second door to the right beside the entrance. Should I get you a beer? I also have wine." He said as they both stood up.
"Beer's fine. Thanks." Joe said, still smiling before heading to the bathroom. Emerson went to get him a plate and a drink so they could eat. They kept the conversation casual, he told Joe about his time here, about Summer and the house, not everything but enough so Joe knew why he left and why he was here And Joe updated him on whitechapel and the team. He told him, they all helped Joe with finding him and sent Emerson their best. Kent moved the last piece of his meal around in his plate slowly as he listened. "I'm not sure if I could come back." He whispered. "I mean, this..." He motioned between themselves, " How is this even gonna work?" The thought haven't crossed his mind till they talked about past weeks but of course something would burst their happy bubble. He ate the last bite quite forcefully.
"Hey. " Joe started, resting his palm on Emerson's knee. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to." Emerson looked at him skeptically. Joe sighed." Look, you are one of the best detectives I've ever worked with.you know I mean that." He insisted as he saw a protesting look on Kent's face. "I would be elated if you came back both to work and whitechapel, we all will be. But if living here is what makes you happy, then we'll figure something out. Because I want you to be happy. It's just an hour drive from London, and you don't have to make any decisions now. Think about it. Then decide." He said reassuringly. Emerson took a deep relieved breath before leaning forward and kissing the man again. " Thank you." He breathed the words against the older man's lips, leaving another kiss there. "Always." Joe said when they pulled back. "Let's put this away."
Emerson couldn't help but smile like an idiot as they put away the plates and cleaned up together. There was an strange familiarity in being so at ease around Joe. He didn't mind getting used to it at all. He poured them both a glass of wine as they finished and moved to stand by the window. "You leaving then?" He asked nervously. "I'd have said I should," Joe said suddenly looking unsure of his words. So Emerson waited for him to continue. "But I don't think I'd be driving anywhere in this weather. " He paused at the wide-eyed look on Emerson's face. "Not that I... I'm sure there is hotel somewhere here. I mean I have few days off, not that I assumed... I mean If you have an spare roo.." he stopped as he saw the amused smile on Kent's face before the younger man started laughing. As if it was contagious he felt himself laughing slightly along as well. " What?" He asked.
"You're adorable when you're flustered." Kent said trying to stop himself. " And no, of course I'm not letting you drive in this weather or stay in a hotel while you're here." He smiled." and yes I do have a spare room." It was his turn to look a bit unsure,"I mean if that's what you want."
Joe's eyes suddenly looked at him with more intensity, he looked amused and fond."or?"
"We could share... I mean not like... I don't mean we'll... not yet but you know just sleeping?" Emerson said almost in one breath turning a shade redder and it was Joe's turn to laugh a little. He reached forward drawing the man in a playful embrace, kissing the top of his nose and making him laugh. "Now who's the adorable one?"
Emerson slapped his arm away playfully before looking at him gently. "You sure you're okay with that?"
Joe didn't let go of him, kissing the top of his head gently instead."More than. I don't want to rush into this either." And smiled as the younger man relaxed.
"C'mon then." Emerson said, grabbing his hand and leading him toward the stairs. "Let's go to bed."
They cleaned up one by one and got ready to go to sleep. Despite the amazing night, they both had very tiring days. By the time Joe stepped out of the bathroom in sweatpants and a t-shirt that fit him appropriately Emerson was already in bed dressed in his t-shirt and pants, a fluffy blanket covering him. "You have a way too much oversized clothes." Joe said amused as he got under the blanket .
"In my defense," Emerson said seriously, as he wrapped his arms around Joe, resting his head on the other's chest. " They're very comfy!" He said and snuggled up to him as if to make a point. Joe chuckled at that. "I'm not complaining." He dropped a kiss to the top of Kent's soft slightly damp curls. "Goodnight Emerson."
"Sweet dreams." Said the younger man. They stayed like that till Emerson's breathing evened out. Joe looked at him gently taking in all the details of his face. He looked calm and happy in his sleep and his arms felt strong as he held Joe. For the first time in a long time Joe felt safe and happy and oh so very calm. Holding Emerson a little tighter he realized he didn't mind getting used to it at all.
*****
When he woke up alone at nine in the morning, for a moment he felt a bottom of his stomach drop before he heard voices from downstairs. And then he heard the kettle bip, a sign that the water had reached the right temperature. And there was a duffle bag beside the bed that wasn't there last night. There was a hanger on the back of his closet door with a blue tie and a coal black suit jacket hanging on it that didn't belong to him. So he dropped back against the pillows smiling to himself. Now very certain last night wasn't a dream after all. He went for a quick wash and changed into loose jeans and a hoodie before going downstairs. It wasn't raining anymore but it was still cloudy. As Emerson went downstairs his breath was taken away by the sight in front of him. Joe was moving around his kitchen, making tea wearing a white shirt and black trousers that hugged his body in all the right places, and he could swear the temperature had risen a couple degrees.
"Mornin." He said, clearing his throat, as he entered the kitchen. He packed the other man on the lips smiling at the satisfied smiled he got in return.
"Good Morning." Said Joe. "I hope you don't mind. I was woken up by the doorbell, thought I might as well make some tea."
"Not at all..." Emerson started but then noticed what Joe had said." Doorbell?" he asked. Joe pointed at the kitchen island. "Your mother brought that." He said smiling sheepishly as he handed Emerson a mug of tea. He looked over and saw fresh apple pie on the counter top. "Of course." He mumbled. "She does that on Saturdays" he explained and sipped his tea pleased to realize the Joe knew how he liked it. When they sat down he started to cut a piece for both of them. That was when he noticed Joe's nervous fidgeting. Perfect, he's definitely going to have a conversation with his mom. "what's that look?" He asked smiling as he handed Joe a plate. "What did she say?"
Joe looked up and Emerson realized there was more confusion and amusement there than worry and relaxed a bit. "nothing actually." Joe started. "she just kept staring at me the entire time after she heard my name." He said eating the first bite, and barely holding in the very inappropriate sound that was about to leave his mouth. "This is good." He said eventually making Kent chuckle.
Kent hummed in agreement before adding "That sounds like my mom, you shouldn't worry about her."
"Actually she was very nice. Comparing to your sister." He said conversationally making Emerson almost choke on his tea.
"What did she do?" He asked already dreading the answer.
"Nothing," Joe continued quite casually, clearly enjoying his dreadful expression. "Just when I went to ask her if she knew where you are, she told me I'm an idiot and she'll end me if I hurt you in a way that I end up worse than our worst case and then slammed the door to my face." He looked both amused an scared at the end. Emerson didn't know whether to laugh or slam his head on the counter top. "I'm going to kill her and don't worry she's all talk." He finished smiling as Joe visibly relaxed. An Idea crossed his mind, something he felt like he truly wanted to share with Joe before they started this officially. "But I know who you should be worried about. Her approval means the world to me." He said seriously.
"Who's that?" Joe asked just as serious.
"My best friend." Emerson said his voice breaking a little, "would you like joining me to visit Summer today?" Finding himself a bit emotional. He could see the moment the meaning of his words registered in Joe's mind. Joe reached forward gently holding his hand. "I'd be honoured." He said leaning forward to kiss him gently.