Chapter 4
20, July , 2014
Everyone was celebrating in the incident room. It was this small tradition they had ever since the Abrahamian case and at the moment Joe couldn't help but smile at some of Mansell's inappropriate jokes even if he wanted to. He looked around the room. His team and some of the uniforms were laughing or chatting, well almost. He looked around once more just to be certain but Kent was nowhere to be found. He frowned slightly. The younger man had been quite, for the lack of better word, absent for couple of days now. Joe usually didn't notice these things but Kent was always so quick to respond and get everything that was asked of him done that his quiet answers or his lack of enthusiasm didn't go unnoticed by Joe. He did tried to brighten up once when Miles asked him if something was wrong but then he went back to staring blankly at his screen again so no one actually believed it.
"What had that beer done to do ?" Asked Miles conversationally as he came and stood beside Joe.
"Where is Kent?"he asked rolling his eyes at the older man's question.
"Don't know. Said something about getting some air. Why you need something from him?" He asked with a tone that Joe did not want to look into too closely. It's not like he reached out to Kent whenever he needed something because he had other motives. The younger man was just so good at doing everything done perfectly that it had become more of a second nature to ask him.
"No." He tried to sound casual but lowered his voice anyway, "Is everything okay with him? He seemed a bit off for the past few days."
"Uh... Yeah, That." Miles sipped his beer. " Mansell reckons it's over some break up or something. Said he was like this when they were over his place with Erica. Knowin the lad, he's just got something personal goin on. He'll be fine." He reassured.
"Yeah you're probably right." Joe said. But the frown on his face didn't softened. He was pretty sure he hadn't seen Kent with anyone. But then again Kent was probably the most private member of his team. Even now with his sister in their circle, all they knew about him outside of work was little stuff Erica shared.
""Look," Miles started, "If you're really worried just go talk to him. He'll probably tell you anything if you ask him." He added the last bit teasingly. Joe didn't know how to respond to that so with a little nod he left his barely touched beer on the nearest desk and left the incident room. Did he know the reason behind Miles words or other people teasing Kent when they thought Joe didn't hear? Yes. Had he ever brought it up to clear the air between them? No. Because that would have been all kinds of inappropriate. Had he entertained the idea sometime in the quiet of his home? He really wished the answer was no. But it was so hard sometimes to look into Kent's eyes, his hopeful smiles and his faithful actions and not wanting to know what would it have felt like to have it all to himself. They used to be close, Joe thought and yes, Kent used to come to him with his concerns but a lot had happened and they both have said things. Joe had done things, things he wasn't proud of, and along the way something had been broken. Regardless, he wanted to try. Kent, even in the worst time they had, seemed to be able to bring a little light to their dark office. For few days now it was like everytime the man was in his sight there was a shadow pushing on his shoulders and making him look both incredibly tired and sad. At first he wanted to go downstairs, look around the car park but then he thought that if Kent wanted to take a breath he wouldn't go somewhere people would find him. So he went to the only remaining direction, the one he usually found himself taking when he was having a crisis, up.
Joe opened the metal door and stepped out into the cold night. It annoyed him sometimes how seasons lost their meanings here. It took him a while to locate the younger man. Kent's body covered in his dark clothes was nothing but a silhouette surrounded by smoke and... Sitting over the edge crosslegged, dangerously close. Chandler felt something drop in the bottom of his stomach but he pushed it aside. Kent was just sat there, as reckless as it was, it didn't have to mean anything. Despite how he tried to convince himself his next steps were much more careful. The man was so close to the edge that Joe didn't dare to startle him. Kent though didn't have that kind of worry on his mind.
"No need to tip toe your way to here Sir. I'm not gonna jump from here." He said it so casually, not even looking at Joe, that the older man took an actual startled step forward before he took a grip of himself and walked over to the younger man, Standing an arm away. He put his elbows over the edge of the roof staring into the night just like his companion. "It seems like a dangerous place to smoke." He said casually. ' from here' Kent had said and the detective in Joe was too much part of him to ignore it. The younger man didn't say anything. He just took a long drag from the cigarette between his lips, just humming in response. Joe already felt fidgety. He wasn't good at conversations like this. " I didn't know you smoke." He tried anyway.
"There is a lot you don't know about me Sir." Kent said after a bit. His voice was calm and yet packed with feelings. He sounded almost disappointed. He didn't say more. Joe took it as an opportunity to look at the younger man. His jacket was dropped on the floor near Joe's feet. His shoulders were tense. There was something between the fingers of his left hand. Joe had seen it before. In past few days sometimes when Kent was alone in the incident room at night or when he was immersed in work so deeply that he didn't notice people, Joe had seen him reach to the hem of the collar of his shirt, pulling it out gently and run his fingers over it. It was a small leather bag, the size of a pointer finger, the opening was tightly wrapped with a brown string, a small charm hanging from it. Joe wasn't sure but it looked like an oak leaf. The remaining of a string was long, long enough for it to be used as a necklace. Kent now had it wrapped around his wrist so it wouldn't fall. They just stood there long enough that Joe was sure the younger man had no interest in continuing the conversation. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay." He said as the younger man lit another cigarette. "I let you be then." He turned to leave.
"Joe?"
The voice made him stop in his tracks. Kent had never ever called him by his name before and the way it sounded in his voice made something shimmer in Joe's guts. He turned and looked at the younger man who was still staring ahead. "Yes?" He answered and came back to take his former spot. Kent didn't say anything for another minute or two. Both men just standing there staring at the stars, not that Joe minded, he didn't know why but he felt like whatever made Kent stop him from leaving must have been important. It took a while before the younger man talked again. "Have you ever felt like you've been living half of your life for someone else, instead of them?" He asked voice barely above a whisper. Joe considered that for a moment. Yes, he had lived most of his life to please his father but living for someone else, instead of someone else seemed different. Was Kent guilty about something? Or was it just dissatisfaction with his life?
"Not really, but it sounds difficult." He tried. He hated how he sounded like a textbook. But if Kent noticed he didn't comment on it. Joe wasn't even sure if Kent was completely there talking to him in that moment and it scared him. Maybe he should have called Miles the moment he saw the younger man.
"If you were, and you could have find a way out, would you have done it?" Kent asked. The last of his cigarette fell from his fingers towards the parking area underneath before being swapped away by the night breeze. The reasonable answer would have been 'yes.' but the way Kent said it made Joe feel like there was more to this. That this was important.
' from here.' he said.
"I think that depends on the way." He started. Kent was smoking a fresh cigarette. His hand had tightened around the leather necklace in his palm. "I had a friend " he started. "We had a deal. And it got me stuck here you know." He said chuckling. The voice was sad and bitter and fond all at once. "She cheated you know? Fourteen years. She cheated." He mumbled more to himself that Joe. Chandler didn't know what to say to that. So he just listened. "What deal?" He asked then carefully. Was Kent in some sorta trouble? Had he caught himself up in something?
"Doesn't matter. it's due tomorrow anyway. I think I managed to wrap everything up you know." He paused glancing at Joe, " Well, almost. I just don't know if it's worth it after that."
He was being very vague and it was getting on Joe's nerves. He was going to ask what did he mean because he was getting really worried about the younger man but Kent didn't give him a chance. " It's late." Kent looked at him then, for the first time since they were talking. His eyes were shiny and calm and yet his face was full of feelings that Joe felt like wouldn't be able to read even if he tried. "I shouldn't keep you here ." He said not looking away. Joe didn't like the way his eyes looked at him like he was trying to memorize Joe. There was a finality there that scared him.
" It's not a problem at all. " Joe said when the younger man finally looked away. How much he wished he had better words or at least they were still close. Maybe he could have taken Kent for a drive again and use his words to soothe his worries. But that wasn't a luxury he had anymore. " Kent?" He could try though, couldn't he?
"Is there anything I can do?" He asked.
Kent looked at him again, softly this time before speaking. " Do you mind keeping this between us?"
"Of course." Joe said immediately. But that wasn't what he meant and it seemed like it was all he was likely to get. So he turned around reluctantly. "Don't stay here for long." He said. " Good night."
" Good night, Joe." Kent whispered as he walked away. As Joe walked down the steps to the incident room once more, something heavy settled in his guts. Something was very wrong but as Kent's boss or dare he say friend,he didn't have the rights to interfere. It wasn't the first time in a while that he wished desperately that he was more.