Just Have Courage
We have been avoiding the dumbest twins and their shadow of Sam Wilson for just under two weeks now. From the CCTV cameras placed around the castle and it’s grounds Shuri, Nat, and I have been simultaneously laughing and yelling at the videos of the Dumbbutt twins. They sulk around the castle as if someone kicked, ran over, killed, reanimated, stabbed, and shot their puppy. It’s really sad, to say the least.
One would have thought that they would have realized they need to properly apologize and come with flowers and chocolate and heartfelt words of repentance. It hasn’t happened. It’s not that we want them around us, as we have been avoiding dinners choosing instead to eat here (I cook, those two are not allowed near a stove ever again) so as to not have awkward silences as everyone would be walking on eggshells, but the fact that they run the opposite direction whenever they realize what hallway they are about to enter, the one leading to the Lab, is just sad. I thought these were supposed to be the “heroes of the world” not small boys running from cooties. Though, to be fair, I do cry myself to sleep at the thought that my soulmates can’t even speak to me. I know they each have a long berating paragraph somewhere on their bodies, and I have read my soul marks over and over again, but it isn’t the same as having them said. The knowledge that they are avoiding me or anything to do with me, hurts. I am avoiding them and Yes I know the hypocrisy of the statement, but I said what I said, and did what I did. They stole me from my home, the only place I had ever known, the only people I had known, and now they can’t even look at me or anything to do with me? It hurts more than I tell Shuri or Nat. I don’t want them to force the boy's hands.
Still, though, I lay awake at night wondering who says what mark and hoping for a future with them. How could I not? My soulmates stole me away and have yet to speak to me, is it too much to ask for a happily ever after?
I was just about to wallow in self-pity when I remembered something I had read about Sam Wilson. He is a therapist, thus due to the oath he swore could not tell anyone what I would say to him. Pulling up his contact info on my Kimono beads, I set about a video call.
“Hewo?” His raspy sleep filled voice comes from his face squeezed in pain against the sudden light from his beads.
“Mr. Wilson? It’s Kara the girl you all stole?” I say my voice questioning if he was awake enough for this conversation.
“Oh, right,” he pauses, “what can I do for you?”
“I heard you were a therapist and was hoping you could help me work through some of my overwhelming emotions. I am tired of crying myself to sleep over things I cannot control.” I say my voice belaying how terrible I feel.
“I’m willing to help, what do you need from me?”
“I need your assurance that whatever I tell you unless stated off the record is never going to go past your lips. I need someone to help me work through some childhood trauma, newer trauma, and the storm of emotions that are running through my mind. For once in my life I need help, and I am asking for it.”
“I can do that, when do you want to do this?”
“Tomorrow? With more sessions if needed?” I ask afraid he will say no.
“How’s two o’clock? I can meet you outside the lab and we can talk in the office T’Challa gave me to work out of.”
My system is flooded with relief and I know Wilson can see it, as a soft smile graces his face, “That will be wonderful, thank you, Mr. Wilson.”
“Call me Sam,” he smiles.
“Then I am Kara to you,” I reply, for once in the month that I have been here feeling as if I truly can overcome this.
“Thank you, Kara, I will see you tomorrow.”
“Good night Sam, I am sorry for having woken you.”
“It’s no problem, get some rest if you can too.” He says looking concerned. I know he is looking at the bags under my eyes and the tiredness that is ever-present in my body.
“I will try. May Frigga look upon your dreams and smile upon you, Sam.”
“May God grant you peaceful sleep tonight as well Kara.”
The call ends and I feel the sweat rising in my palms and a headache coming to me. I know I need rest and to not worry. Laying my head only pillow I think of anything I can to distract myself from the raging emotions inside of me, from counting sheep to reciting poems, nothing seems to be working. Eventually, I just lay here and think, hoping to succumb to the blessed sleep of Frigga.
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Lunch today is a somber affair. This morning I told Shuri and Nat what I did, and who was helping me with my mental health. I told them off my plan to sneak info to the Dumbbutt twins through certain off-the-record tea spilling in order to force them to come to apologize. I told them how I had been crying myself to sleep, how I had been completely emotionally overwhelmed and had yet to really get over being kidnapped. I told them how much I appreciate their friendship, and how I really do see them as family, but now I need someone outside of my circle to help explain my emotions and understand with confidentiality what I had been through in my own words rather than someone's conjecture. It was a tearful conversation and I know that both of them are proud and scared for me.
Nat is the first to break the heavy silence, “Do you want us to walk you to his office and pick you back up?”
“No,” I reply after thinking about it a moment, “I think I need to do this on my own. Plus who knows how long he and I will be talking.”
“Very well. If you need anything you call us, you understand?” Nat says, looking every bit the worried older sister she is.
“I will, thank you both for trusting me enough to let me do this”
“You’re welcome,” Shuri whispers out. I can see the wheels in her head turning, trying to find where she went wrong.
“Shuri,” I say grabbing her attention, “it isn’t anything you’ve done wrong. There is no magical formula that will appear out of thin air in order to solve my emotions. They aren’t a math problem or a science equation that is possible to be answered. This is simply me going to the person best equipped to deal with the situation without allowing personal attachments and relationships to skew the results. When I want to complain I come to you and Nat because you both will take my side no matter if I am wrong or not, and I will do the same for you. However, this, it isn’t something I need someone on my side for. This is something I need someone who will look at the situation and tell me that I am justified in feeling that way but also tell me to think of the emotions of other people in order to work through the trauma and events. This is me recognizing that I am not as okay as I thought I was and getting the help I need before the Dumbbutts get their heads out of the sands and come wanting me. This is me making sure that I am ready to do what you and Nat have been helping prepare me for. I am not replacing you as best friends, Sam and I have a work relationship and until I know that he is completely trustworthy then he will not even be seeing me outside of the sessions. I still will need you and Nat, if for nothing more than for the fact that you are my family. The first family I have ever had, but still my family. Family doesn’t back out on Family. Besides, who else am I going to make meme references and quote vines with?”
Shuri laughs and nods, apologizing she admitted that she needed the reassurance and was glad that she wasn’t losing me. We laughed together and all came together as friends in a group hug before they sent me on my way to see Sam.