I Don't Need Blankies or Stuffies

He watched silently from his chair as Steve spread butter on three waffles.

"That's too much food for me." He said as Steve began to cut the waffles into little square pieces for him. Thank fuck his voice was back to normal.

"No it isn't, you're a super soldier, too, Buck."

"So?" He said, trying to act oblivious.

"Don't even try to play that. Eat." Steve handed him the fork with a stern look on his face. Bucky's face turned from defiant and stubborn to something soft and free of resistance.

They ate in silence for a few minutes, cringing everytime their forks would accidentally clink against the plate. Bucky felt himself just getting more anxious while "there's plenty to talk about" went through his head over and over. He was just waiting for Steve to say something.

"Why are you moving so much - sit still."

"Sorry," he muttered, cheeks going warm.

"I'm not mad at you, not for last night or anything that you told me."

"You're not?" He asked, looking up from his halfway finished waffles.

"No but we still gotta talk about it."

"Why?"

" 'Cause it's not healthy." He looked real concerned.

"What do you mean not h -"

"You aren't sleeping."

"Well of course not, we are eating breakfast."

"Bucky."

"Sorry," Bucky shrugged.

"You aren't sleeping enough," Steve corrected so Bucky couldn't be a smart mouth this time.

"I am."

"When can you honestly tell me the last time you got at least six hours of sleep."

Bucky stared at his food, suddenly interested in eating it.

"Five?"

"Sure," he said around a bit of food.

"Less that five?"

He stared hard at the table as if not look at Steve would make the question go away. "Yeah," his voice came out as an embarrassing squeak, looking a lot like a little kid getting in trouble.

"Hey," Steve reached across the table, tipping Bucky's chin up to look at him. "You aren't in trouble or anything, we'll work on this stuff, okay? That is if you want my help."

No his brain immediately told him no. Bucky's head was tipping down again and he took another bite of waffles. He knew if he said no Steve would be disappointed and worried but he couldn't say yes, he didn't deserve help. But... if he got more cuddles like last night and -

"No. No it's okay, I'm fine."

"You're fine?" Steve raised his eyebrows.

"Uh, yeah," Bucky said as if it was obvious that he was.

Steve's eyes narrowed into little blue slits as he stared at Bucky, trying to analyze him. "I -" Bucky started to say but Steve was speaking too.

"When was the last time you let yourself cry?"

"What?"

"When was the last time you cried?" He repeated, eyes still squinted.

Bucky really tried to play it off that he was confused at the weird question but he knows he hasn't willingly let himself cry. There were times where tears had escaped while he was still asleep or overflowed out if his eyes but he always tried to stop them.

"I saw the bruise on your wrist," Steve said when Bucky didn't answer, "Don't think I don't remember, you use to do that all the time when we were kids."

"I don't know wha -"

"Don't bullshit me."

"I'm sorry," he said, eyes feeling wet. No, he couldn't cry in front of Steve again. He muttered another sorry as he dropped his head in between his elbows and hooked his fingers behind his neck, one cold and one warm.

He heard Steve get up and felt his stomach twist with disappointment and relief at the same time. He didn't want to be left alone, but he didn't want Steve to see him like this ever again or have to deal with his issues.

He almost jumped when he heard the plate that had been in front of him being picked up. More footsteps. Then the were hands in his hair, gently running through it and brushing tangles from sleep out. His shoulders drooped and it was like a chain reaction of all his muscles relaxing just from Steve's hands running through his hair, brushing all the tension away. His arms fell from where they had been behind his neck to lay folded on his table, he shifted so his face was buried in the crook of his elbow.

He heard a soft laugh above him, "You got syrup in your hair," Steve grabbed a sticky strand of hair near the front of his head, "guess you need to go shower, huh?"

He could only nod, happy to get out of the conversation about him that was starting.

"We're gonna finish this conversation when you are done."

Bucky really wanted to say no, get up and go lock himself in his room for the rest of the... day? Night? He could remember what time it was. He couldn't find it in himself to get up, not with Steve's fingers carding through his hair.

"Okay, Buddy, you gotta go shower." Steve said, brushing his fingers though Bucky's hair one more time before letting it drop around his shoulders again.

"I already showered today." Bucky said into his arms, his head pushing at that little kid version of himself but fighting to stay normal at the same time.

"When, you've been sleeping all day?"

"When I -" he almost told Steve that he had an accident last night, then cursed at himself because Steve shouldn't need to know that. He was too open and trusting in this mind space. "before I left my room."

"Oh," Steve said, rubbing a hand up and down his back as his muscles started to tense up again. "Okay, but you have to go wash your hair again at least. You got syrup in it when you laid your head down."

Oh. He remembers Steve saying something about that but he hadn't seen it as that big of a deal, his hair couldn't have been that sticky if Steve was playing with it. Still, Steve told him to go shower, so he got up.

The sheets that he had left bunched up in the shower were still wet. He threw them in the corner of the bathroom and decided to deal with them later.

He washed his hair, just like Steve said, realizing that yes it was sticky. Not all of his hair, just the parts that hang in front of his eyes when he had his hair pulled back.

When he got out, he dried himself off fully before he slipped back into the same pajamas he was wearing before. He didn't leave himself damp and uncomfortable under the clothes and he didn't decide that his discomfort didn't matter. He only thought that Steve wouldn't want him to be uncomfortable right now and then told himself he would go back to not letting himself enjoy anything later.

He hesitated before he want back out to the living room. Maybe Steve telling him to go shower was his way of telling Bucky that he was done with helping him. He probably wanted to be by himself after spending over thirteen hours with Bucky and his problems.

"FRIDAY?" He said uncertainty, rubbing at the back of his neck and resisting the urge to look up at the ceiling as he talked to the AI.

"Yes, Mr. Barnes?"

"Is Steve still in the living room?"

"Yes."

"Is he busy?"

"He is reading a few articles on his phone and he has the movies that you two were playing on pause for you."

"He... can you ask him if I can - um..." he stopped realizing his stupid his question was. "I can - never mind, I'm gonna stay in here." He did really know what he could do. He couldn't sit on the bed without drying his sheets and that would mean seeing Steve on his way to they dryer. He did not need Steve knowing he wet the bed. He couldn't go train because then he would pass Steve and have to talk to him. He couldn't trouble Steve anymore today or tomorrow or the day after that or anymore.

"Captain Rogers said for you to come out to the living room when you are done with your shower."

"Are you sure?" Why he was taking orders from Steve so willingly, he wasn't sure. Even when his stomach twisted with the thought of going out and talking about all the things wrong with him, he still turned the door knob without hesitation.

"Very," he could hear the sarcasm in the AI's voice.

-

Steve smiled when he saw Bucky appear in the doorway. It was this affectionate smile that softly crinkled Steve's shining eyes that were filled with this happy puppy dog love. Bucky didn't think that look could be directed at him but he smiled softly back.

Steve pulled him close when he sat on the couch. It reminded him of being back in Brooklyn, sitting curled around Steve after a stressful day and just closing his eyes as his muscles relaxed. Now though, he was tense.

"Buck, relax, we're just gonna talk."

Bucky shook his head.

"Why not?"

Bucky shook his head again.

"Use your words."

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"About what?" Steve pushed, and held Bucky's shoulders tighten when he squirmed.

"About last night... or this morning or whatever time it was." He shrugged.

"Listen, I'm not gonna force you to talk, alright? You can go back to your room right now and not have to tell me anything." Bucky shifted in the hold Steve had around his shoulders. "Or you can stay here and tell me what's wrong so you don't have to feel like crap all the time anymore. I won't get mad, promise, 'kay? Then we can watch a movie after." He nodded his head toward were a movie was on pause as FRIDAY had told him.

"I don't wanna -" Bucky sighed, hiding his face. He had no idea what to do.

"Do you want to talk, 'cause you seem like you do."

"I don't know." He said into Steve's side where he was hiding his face. "Nothing's really the matter."

"Really?" Steve muttered disbelieving. "You said that earlier."

Bucky blushed and squirmed. There was a moment Steve almost lifted the hand off his shoulders, thinking he was trying to get up but he only buried his face deeper into Steve's side. "I just - it's..." Bucky just sighed.

"Hard?"

"Yeah."

Bucky's brain was screaming. No, no, no. He shifted in his seat, remembering how nice it had been this morning to have his head clear. It had been ruined pretty quickly cause nothing should stay nice for Bucky. He found himself wanting to feel soft and relaxed like that again. He ignores his head and listened to Steve. If Steve thought this would help.

They talked for a long time. Steve started by asking simple yes or no questions so Bucky wouldn't have to talk. Bucky didn't move his face from where it was hiding in Steve's side and Steve didn't move his arm from around Bucky. The questions were easy at first. Did he enjoy breakfast? Did he like the movies? Did he remember cuddling like this before? Did he sleep good on the couch? Easy things like that. Then they got a bit harder. Steve asked about nightmares first. How many times he woke up with them. How well did he remember what happened when he woke up. Steve assured Bucky that if he had a nightmare again, he was always happy to cuddle or listen or whatever Bucky needed.

"So - uh..." Steve's voice was so soft and different than the confident way it had been just a moment ago. Bucky looked up at him, he had a light blush over his nose. "Why... how come... sorry I really don't know how to ask this."

Bucky looked confused, even if he had a feeling he knew what was coming. He could feel the tension sitting thick around them and could only wait for Steve to find a way to call him weird and messed up for the way he had talked and acted yesterday. Bucky found himself getting anxious and squirmy and ready to get up and leave. Steve's arm tightened around him.

"I know you noticed how you were acting last night and when you woke up... like, uh - like a little kid."

There it was. Bucky blushed again and really tried not to hide his face in Steve's side. "Yeah." His voice was barely over a small squeak. He opened his mouth again to apologize for everything but Steve just started talking again.

"Has it ever happened before?" Bucky didn't know. He's felt floaty like that before but he didn't let himself get lost in it until last night. He kept asking and asking why he let himself do that. His whole body felt hot and he wanted to get up. He wanted to get up and run and never have to face Steve again.

"Hey, no, don't be embarrassed. It's alright."

"No it isn't," Bucky stressed, "It's so weird and... and freaky and I'm -"

"Shut up, Bucky. I didn't ask what it was, I asked you if it's happened before."

"Kinda."

"Kinda?"

"It... I think it has." Bucky looked up at Steve for approval. He got another one of those smiles filled with admiration and wonder.

"What did it feel like, yesterday and last night? Were you like... feeling like that the whole time?"

"It uh, wavered, I guess. Last night was more fighting against feeling like that, I didn't want to bother you, but my brain was pushing to have that fuzzy safe feeling. This morning that feeling was easily interrupted."

Steve smiled and ran finger though Bucky's hair, his shoulder immediately relaxing. "You like having your hair played with?" Bucky's face was too red already to turn any darker. He shrugged. "You're allowed to like things."

"But I don't need to be treated like this."

"What do you mean?"

"So nicely, I don't deserve it." He was saying before he could think any better of it. Then he was squirming out if Steve's grasp. Why did he have to say that?

"I think you do." Was all Steve said before Bucky got up.

"Can we not talk about it?" He muttered, but was already sitting back down.

"I'm not just going to forget about it but we can wait a while. We don't have to talk about everything in one day."

"Thanks."

"Can I ask a few more questions?"

Bucky wanted to say no. He was tired of talking. He wanted to watch a movie though. Steve had said they had to talk before they watched a movie. "Yeah." He trusted Steve not to mention what they just talked about for today.

"So um, I asked FRIDAY a bit about the way you were acting." Bucky glared up at the ceiling. "She said that you're not the only person that... regresses in age, so to speak."

"You mean acts like they're an incapable baby?"

"Harsh way to put it." Steve said, tipping his head back and obviously trying not to blush. It made Bucky want to giggle a bit.

"I don't like it, it's weird. I shouldn't -"

"She said that some people go into this headspace when they don't have to be responsible and can just let someone else take care of them. Is that what's going on, or something you want?"

He wanted to say yes. Wanted this whole thing to feel normal and safe but it was so strange and embarrassing he wonders how it could ever feel normal or safe. He worried about Steve judging him or deciding that he didn't want to be a part of it.

"I want an honest answer, Buck. I'm serious."

Bucky made a small anxious noise in the back of his throat. He wanted to shake his head and run. He wanted to tell Steve no. But Steve want honesty.

"I'm not sure." Was as honest as he could get.

"You want me to explain it a bit more? FRIDAY gave me a few articles. I read them while you were in the shower, I can send them to you or we can read them together."

Bucky glanced at Steve's phone that he had set down on the coffee table. He leaned forward out of Steve's cuddle and grabbed it. He handed it to Steve and leaned his head on the blond's shoulder as he turned his phone on.