always fucking fine
Tony Stark had always been well-acquainted with the idea of the end. It had haunted him for years, ever since he put a nuke on his shoulders and flew off into the expanse of space. The only thing is, he had hoped, prayed, that it wasn’t so soon. Another thing he had learned was that just because you hope for something doesn’t necessarily mean that it will come true.
He thought he had been prepared. Yes, the Avengers were gone, but he was there. Rhodey was there. T’Challa was there. All the Avengers who hadn’t gone rogue were surely enough, especially with the Vibranium upgrade and additional genius Shuri and the other Wakandans were able to provide. Tony had built suit after suit, invention after invention; how could it not be enough?
As Nebula set up her hands for yet another round of paper football, he tried to stop thinking about it. Pretend that the very air he was breathing had a very looming expiration date. He flicked the little football right on track for a shot, but Nebula literally growled, hopping into fighting position.
“You don’t need to do that, because, uh,” he started; is this what having kids was like?
Kids. Peter. Dust.
He shook the thought away before continuing on. “You’re just holding position.”
(Don’t get distracted. Don’t get distracted. There’s no expiration date on the air. Peter’s just at school. Thanos was just a bad dream. Believing anything else will only hurt. You’re going to die anyway. You’re going to die anyway.)
He held up his goal, and Nebula stuck her tongue between her lips as she flicked the paper football right through. She seemed to be jittery with anticipation; it was as if she had never won a single round of anything in her entire life. Honestly, this was probably true. She had told him about her relationship with Thanos and Gamora on the 16th day, before they made the paper football. She mentioned countless losses, the torture of being turned into a machine. He told her the story of his arc reactor and how he had wanted to be a father, too, one much better than the likes of Howard or Thanos.
(“The Spider-Boy was not of Stark blood?” She had asked, and Tony had stiffened, his heart constricting in his chest.)
He had only talked about Peter on the 8th day, before Tony remembered that Stark men were made of iron and after he and Nebula had decided that neither were interested in simple campfire stories.
“That’s a goal,” he said, the glint in her eyes bringing a feeling of something, maybe pride, to his heart.. “You’re now one apiece.”
“I would like to try again,”
She flicked the paper football again, looking somehow more excited as it whizzed right through the goal.
“We tied up. Feel the tension? It’s fun.”
Tony flicked the paper football. It was frankly an awful shot, but the expression growing on Nebula’s face made him feel as if he had done something right. “That was terrible. Now you have a chance to win.”
Nebula focused hard before flicking the football. Once again, it sailed right through the goal. There was a nervous sort of excitement on her face.
“And… you’ve won. Congratulations.” Tony reached out a hand for her to shake, doing his best not to let the corners of his lips quirk up at how taken aback she seemed to be by the victory. She shook his hand quickly. Tony was sorry, so fucking sorry, that she had Thanos as a father. “Fair game. Good sport. Have fun?”
Nebula sat back in her seat, an almost undetectable smile on her face. “It was fun.”
---
There was only one serving of food left. Tony didn’t even think before tilting the bag towards Nebula.
She gave him a meaningful look before pushing it back towards him.
Tony understood, kind of, but the action sent a knife through his heart.
He ate slowly, hoping to savor it enough for the both of them.
---
“He didn’t have Stark blood, or whatever the Hell you said, but I cared about him. So much,” He admitted sometime on day 8. He didn’t remember most of that day; it had been one of the bad days.
“Would you enjoy talking about him? Does that… help?”
(According to the people back on Earth, Tony Stark didn’t cry. However, Tony Stark wasn’t on Earth.)
“It doesn’t make sense. It just doesn’t… God, he was so young. Remember how I told you I wanted to be a father? It was because of him. I don’t… I have to get him back. I have to.”
“Then we will.”
It was a nice sentiment, but neither of them believed it.
---
“Hey, Miss Potts. Pep.”
It was day 22. He had always been well-acquainted with the idea of the end, but now that it was here, there was an indescribable ache in his chest, or maybe that was grief. Either way, it felt grim.
“If you find this recording, don’t post it on social media.”
(I don’t want to see this on your MySpace page-)
“It’s gonna be a real tear-jerker. I don’t know if you’re ever going to see these.” Tony considered for a moment that he probably should have gathered his thoughts prior to making the recording. Who knows? What if Pepper was- “I don’t even know if you’re… If you’re still… Oh God, I hope so.”
If Thanos had taken both Pepper and Peter, it was safe to say that Doctor Strange’s sacrifice would have most certainly been in vain.
“Today is day 21- no, uh, 22.” He hated the way the blue light covered everything. He toyed around with the idea that when he died, he would die with it covering him, too, just like in all of his nightmares. “You know, if it wasn’t for the existential terror of staring into the void of space, I’d say I’m feeling better today.”
Tony told Pepper everything, or, everything that he could remember within the span of three minutes or so. Didn’t want to waste too much of her time. He told her about Nebula, how he had grown to care about her over the past three weeks. He told her that he had tried, God, how he had tried to salvage the ship and come home to her.
“When I drift off,” he said. It wasn’t an ‘if’ situation anymore. “I will dream about you.”
He sighed.
“It’s always you.”
---
Oxygen was almost out. He knew it. For a moment, though, as he fell asleep, he elected to forget, and instead, he chose to focus on the warmth he was going to feel when he was finally wrapped up in Pepper’s arms again. When he finally could run his fingers through Peter’s curls. When he could finally pull Rhodey into the tightest hug ever. He was thinking about this when his thinking ceased altogether.
---
Nebula had never been afraid of death. In the past, the idea that Thanos would just finally kill her and end all of her suffering seemed to be a relief. She was ashamed to look back on those days now, now that Gamora was really her sister, and there were true friends by her side, and…
She had never really worried about others dying, either. Before, she hadn’t been close to anyone. Gamora was the closest thing she had to a friend, and their relationship was rocky at best. If someone were to die, Nebula would probably continue on as if nothing had ever happened. Anything less would have warranted her to further punishment from Thanos.
She was thinking something else entirely as she lifted Tony’s unconscious body. He had no reason to care about her, to offer her the last of their food, to play games with her, to talk to her, but he had. He had cared about her. For the first time in her entire life, someone had cared about her without being tied to her by familial obligations or she’s-Gamora’s-sister reasons. It would hurt to see him go. He shouldn’t have to go, not after he fought so hard for the universe to stay.
She sat him in the Captain’s seat, letting her hand linger on his shoulder.
If he had to die, she would put it upon herself to make it noble.
---
Carol Danvers had heard of Tony Stark. Of course she had. The entire universe had heard about Tony Stark- well, technically, the Avengers, but basically just Tony Stark- back in 2012 when he had the guts to throw an entire nuke at Thanos’ fleet of spaceships.
Now, picking up Stark in the middle of space was not what she had expected when she got the notification from Fury’s pager. She had actually been on her way to Earth before she had gotten his alert, since the Snap had affected planets all across the galaxy, but seeing it still made her breath catch in her throat. If anything had happened to Fury or Maria or Monica… There would be Hell to pay.
Before she had flown off into space to catch Stark, she had given the Rambeaus a call. Maria answered, immediately assuring Carol that both her and Monica were fine, and yes, Carol could go off and save the world so long as she promised to come by and visit when she was done. She had agreed with a sad smile. Anyway, space!
She found the spaceship quickly (traffic had been light for obvious reasons) and was able to get it back to Avengers Compound even quicker.
---
As Tony staggered off the Milano, he was still suffering the effects of lack of oxygen. Nebula had helped him stand, assisting him as he wobbled off the ship. He wanted to hug her, to thank her, but he looked at her and it was clear she already knew what he wanted to say. He turned his attention to people on the ground.
Steve Rogers was the first to greet him. That was a surprise. Tony felt very cold, suddenly, his fingers and toes going numb at the memory of Siberian snow and a shattered reactor in his chest. There wasn’t any anger left right now, though, to Steve’s benefit. All that was left was-
“I couldn’t stop him.”
“Neither could I.”
“I lost the kid,” Tony said; it was almost like a whine, a desperate cry for help. He wanted to make Steve understand, make him understand that the kid was gone, so everything was gone.
“Tony, we lost-”
Tony barely heard him. Everything was gone, except-
“Is, um..” He trailed off. Couldn’t say it. He was weak until the very-
There she was! She raced up to him, and though it was clear she had been crying, Tony would swear that she was as beautiful as she’d ever been, if not more.
“Oh my God!” She said, her eyes brimming with even more tears.
Tony’s brain was still mush. All he knew was that he didn’t want her to cry anymore. He pulled her into a hug, closing his eyes as he allowed himself to feel it for a minute. Feel everything. Feel Peter’s vanishing, Steve’s abandonment, that blade through his stomach, gratefulness for Nebula, overwhelming relief for Pepper…
He just felt.
“Is…” he began. “Is Rhodey..?”
Suddenly, Rhodey’s hand was on his shoulder and Tony was being traded into a different set of arms. “I knew you weren’t dead. They were all saying you might have been, but nah.”
Tony just wrapped his arms tighter around his friend’s back.
“How many times do I have to tell you to ride with me?” Rhodey said, quieter. It was almost a whisper.
“You know I’m no good with following directions.”
Rhodey was the first to pull away, clapping Tony on the shoulder. “Come on, man. We’ve gotta get you to MedBay.”
---
“It’s been 23 days since Thanos came to Earth.” Natasha stated. This made sense. Natasha had always liked facts, analyzing the situation as logically as she could. “World governments are in pieces-”
“Did anyone…” Tony paused. He still felt a bit dizzy. “Did anyone send out my… my suits? My… relief services? I had them all ready for something like this. I knew something like this was going to happen. I knew it. Did anyone send them? The suits?”
“No,” Steve answered. “Honestly, we didn’t even think-”
“Didn’t think,” Tony huffed. It was shaky. “Sounds about right. Someone get on that when we’re done here. Sorry, Rushman. Continue.”
Nat raised an eyebrow at the use of the old alias, but continued on anyway. “As I was saying, the governments that are still working are trying to take a census. And it looks like he did… exactly what he said he was going to do. Thanos wiped out fifty percent of all living creatures.”
“Where is he now? Where?” Tony asked. He couldn’t help growing impatient. The awful feeling of seeing Peter’s face flicker across the projection as one of the ones dead certainly did not help him contain his frustration with them. They lost. This was the one battle, the one battle, they had to win. The battle he had been warning them about for years. The reason he had signed the accords, and they had lost.
“We don’t know,” Steve said. Tony wanted to punch him in the face, but that wouldn’t hurt enough. Maybe a repulsor strike to the teeth. “He just opened a portal and walked through.”
Tony turned to look at Thor. He needed some good news, needed to know that the others were able to do one good thing-
“What’s wrong with him?”
“Yeah, he’s pissed,” the raccoon (??????) in the corner of the room chimed in. “He thinks he failed, which, of course he did, but there’s a lot of that goin’ around, ain’t there?”
While a raccoon talking was weird, it was not the weirdest thing Tony had been subjected to in the past month. “Honestly, until this exact second, I thought you were a Build-A-Bear.”
Rocket shrugged. “Maybe I am.”
Before Tony could think of a snarky response to that one, Steve was speaking again. “We’ve been hunting Thanos for three weeks now. Deep Space scans, satellites, and we got nothing.”
Every single word coming from his mouth without even acknowledging everything that had gone wrong sounded like nails on a chalkboard. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation or the food deprivation or the air deprivation or even the grief talking, but Tony really needed to say ‘I told you so,’ needed it more than anything.
“Tony, you fought him-”
Tony nearly laughed. “Who told you that? I didn’t fight him. No, he wiped my face with a planet while the Bleecker Street Magician gave him the stone. That’s what happened. There was no fight.”
They hadn’t even asked him what happened. Hadn’t even asked if he was okay. They just whipped him to MedBay and expected him to be the answer to everything, to solve all of their problems. They didn’t ask him who he lost because, to them, Tony Stark didn’t have a heart, so why should he care about anyone? Why?
“Did he give you any clues?” Steve asked. Maybe he was desperate, but Tony didn’t care. “Any coordinates? Anything?”
Tony scoffed. He had given them everything they needed years ago! He told them Thanos was coming! He said they had to be together! He had given them what they needed, and they had ignored it!
“I saw this coming a few years back. I had a vision, didn’t want to believe it. Thought I was dreaming.”
Maybe he was dreaming. Maybe this was a dream. Maybe he would get lucky and wake up tomorrow and talk to Peter about his trip to the MOMA-
“Tony, I’m gonna need you to focus-”
That was it-
“And I needed you. Past tense. That trumps what you need. It’s too late, buddy. Sorry. You know what I need?” Tony stood up as dramatically as he could, considered the stupid meal Rhodey had prepared in five seconds so they could have this dumbass meeting for a moment before swiping it off the table. He had just wanted five goddamn minutes to feel something- “I need to shave. And I remember telling you, Cap…”
Tony ripped his IV out of his arm before standing up and stalking over to Steve, ignoring Rhodey’s pleas for him to sit down. “What we needed was a suit of armor around the world! Remember that? Whether it impacted our precious freedom or not- that’s what we needed!”
It’s what Peter needed. Maybe if they had that armor, then Peter wouldn’t be dead and Tony wouldn’t have to be stuck with this awful weight in his chest and constant feeling of emptiness in his stomach-
“Well, that didn’t work out, did it?”
“I said, ‘we’ll lose.’ You said, ‘we’ll do that together too.’ And guess what, Cap? We lost. You weren’t there. But that’s what we do, right?” Tony was half out of his mind with anger. Steve, Mr. I’m-Always-Right had fucked this up, and Tony was not about to let it go unpunished. “Our best work after the fact?” After Coulson’s death, after Ultron, after Thanos- “We’re the Avengers. We’re the A-vengers, not the Pre-vengers, right?”
“Okay, you made your point, just sit down, okay?” Tony could tell by the look in Rhodey’s eyes that he understood, but he wasn’t sleep deprived or food deprived or Pepper deprived or air deprived or fucking blood deprived or mourning a pseudo-son, so fuck that.
“Nah, nah, nah, here’s my point.”
“Sit down!” Rhodey said.
Tony gazed around the room, relishing in the expressions all the Avengers bore on their faces. They were surprised, surprised he was finally letting them have it. Surprised he had the guts, maybe. Only one looked like she was listening intently, maybe like she agreed- He made an offhand motion towards Carol before continuing.
“She’s great, by the way.” He turned to face her, wanted her to look in his eyes and know that even though he was angry, he meant it, genuinely. “We need you. You’re new blood.”
“Tony!” Rhodey was trying to shut him up, but Tony chose to take it to mean he was getting off topic and should turn his tangent back to Cap.
“Bunch of tired old mills!” He declared, stepping forwards until he was right up in Cap’s face. “I got nothing for you, Cap! I got no coordinates, no clues, no plan, no options. Zero. Zip. Nada. No trust. Liar.”
Steve looked upset, and Tony felt it again: the cold feeling in his fingers, the chill down his spine. It was Siberian snow, the ice collecting in his hair. It was a broken arc reactor in his chest. A broken heart. Cap didn’t even know that it was unnecessary, that it wasn’t the only thing powering his heart… He would’ve left him there, dead. Dead, dead, dead, like Peter’s dust on his palms, like Bucky had left Tony’s mother…
Tony pulled his arc reactor out of his chest and slammed it into Steve’s hand. He was growing dizzy, now, too dizzy, but he could put up with dizzy, he was fine, he could put up with it, because he told them he was dizzy, and they had made him come to this stupid fucking meeting where he learned that they hadn’t done shit to stop Thanos and expected him to solve all of his problems so it was fine.
“Here, take this. You find him, and you put that on. You hide.” His words were slurring, maybe, or maybe it was just his head. His ears. His sleep/food/air/Peter/blood deprivation. Pesky thing. He was going to have to work on that.
Suddenly, he was on his knees. It hurt, it hurt so bad…
“Tony!”
“I’m fine, I-”
I’m always fucking fine.