Chapter 11
Steve woke up hearing someone talking. It's still dark out, the sun isn't even up yet. A look at his alarm clock reveals it isn't even 5 am yet.
"Captain." JARVIS says. That must have been what woke him up.
"Yes, JARVIS?" Steve says, rubbing his eyes.
"Sergeant Barnes is in the lobby."
Steve is up and running as soon as he hears Bucky's name.
The elevator ride down is the worst part. It feels like every second is a minute and the elevator seems to be inching along way slower than normal.
It feels like hours later when it finally lands on the first floor, and Steve is running out as soon as the doors open.
"Bucky!"
Bucky runs into Steve's arms as soon as he sees him. "Steve!"
Steve hugs Bucky tight. He can't believe he's back. He had been so terrified when he'd woken up and seen he was gone, thinking HYDRA had taken him back. He can't lose Bucky again!
"God, Bucky! where were you!?" Steve asks through tears.
"Steve." Is the only answer he gets.
"Bucky I was so scared. I thought I'd lost you again, I thought you were taken from me again." Steve says.
Bucky clings to Steve, crying and just repeating Steve's name again and again.
Steve holds Bucky close and lets him cry for several minutes. It gives him some time to get all his tears out, too. But when he starts to pull away to walk with Bucky back to the elevator, Bucky latches on harder and starts sobbing.
"Steve. Steve." Bucky cries.
"I'm right here, Buck. It's alright. Let's get you upstairs now, okay pal?"
Steve tries again to pull out of Bucky's grip but to no avail.
So Steve simply lifts Bucky up, and carries him to the elevator while he still clings on and cries.
During the elevator ride Steve wonders what happened to Bucky these last 3 days he's been missing. How did he get back? Clearly someone must have been taking care of him, he's clean and dry and wearing new clothes. If Bucky could speak enough to answer, Steve would ask him.
The elevator arrives back on Steve's floor, and he walks out with Bucky still in his arms. It's so early still, even though Steve is usually up early anyway, but this is too early. He's been having trouble sleeping the past few days anyway, too busy being worried about Bucky. So he's still tired.
"It's really early, Bucky." Steve says. "Do you want to go back to sleep?"
Bucky's at least stopped crying by now, seeming to be comforted by Steve holding him. He nods, but shows no signs of letting go when Steve tries to put him down again.
"You gotta let me put you down, Buck. Just for a second? I wanna get you changed." Steve says.
Bucky shakes his head.
Steve sneaks a feel of Bucky's diaper through his pants. It's dry, but also very thin and cheap feeling, and probably won't last.
"Are you sure I can't get you into something better before we go to sleep?" Steve asks.
Bucky shakes his head. "Steve." He says.
"Yes, I'm here. I've got you." Says Steve. "You don't need anything to eat or drink at least?"
Bucky seems to consider that, because he pauses, but still ends up shaking his head no again.
So Steve carries Bucky to bed, and they lay facing each other with Bucky still clinging to Steve. They both fall asleep.
☆
Steve wakes up cold and soaked. He hums groggily as he rubs his eyes and turns to look at the clock. It's just past 10 am. The bed under him is soaked, and so are his clothes. Bucky's still asleep next to him, and he's soaked even worse, obviously being the source of the wetness.
"Bucky." Steve says, stroking Bucky's cheek.
Bucky whines as he starts to wake up.
"Come on, Buck. Let's get cleaned up and have some breakfast."
Bucky rolls over and starts to cry when he feels he's all wet. Steve starts to get up, but Bucky grabs his shirt.
"Steve!" Bucky cries.
"I'm not going anywhere, Buck. We need to both shower. It's okay!" Steve says.
Bucky lets go of Steve's shirt for a moment just to sign for diaper change, before immediately grabbing Steve again.
"Of course, I'm gonna get you cleaned up and changed." Steve reassures Bucky.
Bucky gets up, grabbing Steve's hand and following him to the bathroom.
He lets Steve undress him, and watches as Steve undresses too.
"Steve." Bucky says. He wishes he could tell Steve how much he loves him and how he never wants to be away from him again. But all he can say is his name.
"Buck." Steve responds. He starts the shower.
Bucky still holds Steve's hand and steps into the shower with him. Steve washes them both.
After they're both clean, Steve dries Bucky off before drying himself. And they go back to the bedroom to get dressed.
Steve gets Bucky a diaper, and he grabs the new tracker that Tony made. It's a tiny little device, about the size of a dime, and it's designed to look like Steve's shield. It's supposed to attach to the waistband of Bucky's diapers, and will track his location in case he goes missing again. It also will send notifications to the phone of the nearest Avenger when Bucky's diaper is wet or dirty, and when it's near to the point of leaking. And Tony is already trying to come up with updates for it to make it do even more stuff.
He gets Bucky and himself both dressed, and heads to the kitchen to make some breakfast. Bucky follows holding Steve's hand tight.
Its not easy trying to cook with one hand, but Bucky won't let go of the other one. It takes some convincing but finally Steve gets Bucky to hold onto his shirt instead, and he finishes cooking.
Bucky pulls his chair up right next to Steve's at the table, and sits on it with his legs on Steve's lap next to him. They both eat and then Steve has to convince Bucky again to hold his shirt instead of his hand so he can wash the dishes.
They go out to the living room then, with Bucky still holding onto Steve. Steve sits on the couch and Bucky sits on his lap, hanging on tight to his shirt and cuddling close. It's only been a few hours but Steve has noticed how clingy Bucky has been, like he's afraid Steve will leave. Steve puts his arms around Bucky and kisses his cheek.
"Do you know how much I love you, Buck?" Steve asks.
Bucky stares.
"I love you so much, more than anything in the world. I was worried sick when you were gone, and I'm so grateful for you coming back. I wish I knew what happened to you out there. You came back clean and dry and it was obvious someone had taken care of you. At least you weren't alone, starving and suffering. I wish you were able to tell me what happened out there." Steve says. "I love you so much, Bucky. And I'll never, ever leave you. You know that right?"
Bucky stares.
"Everyone is taking precautions now to make sure you don't go missing again. I don't know why you left that night, I wish you could tell me. You know I'd never intentionally hurt you in any way. You're completely safe here."
Bucky stares.
His phone pings then, telling him Bucky is wet. He takes Bucky to the bedroom to get changed. It also makes him remember that he still hadn't pissed yet this morning, and he really needs to.
After changing Bucky, he heads to the bathroom. But Bucky runs after him, grabbing his shirt.
"I'm just going to the bathroom, Bucky. I'm not leaving, I'll be right back." Steve says.
Bucky stares and doesn't let go.
"Bucky, I'll be right back. Just stay right here." Says Steve.
Bucky still doesn't let go, and he starts crying when Steve tries to pry his shirt out of Bucky's grip.
So Steve just takes Bucky into the bathroom with him.
Steve does what he needs to do while Bucky stands behind him, still clinging anxiously to his shirt.
Steve takes Bucky back out to the couch, and lets him sit on his lap again. He holds Bucky and runs his fingers through his hair, hoping to comfort him and calm him since he seems so anxious and scared. He doesn't fully understand what has Bucky so clingy and anxious, but he's sure it has to do with his little trip away. He knows Bucky doesn't understand and process things very well, so he's probably scared of being alone again. All Steve can do is comfort him and hope he can realize he's not going anywhere. Bucky falls asleep on Steve.
Steve sits with Bucky sleeping on his lap for maybe half an hour before Sam comes in.
"I guess this is for Bucky." Sam says, holding up a bag with a note taped to it that says "Bucky".
"Where'd that come from?" Steve asks.
"I don't know. Someone left it in the lobby. It's just full of chips and candy." Says Sam.
"Did anyone see who left it?" Steve asks.
"Nope. I asked around, too. No one knows." Sam says.
"JARVIS? Footage from the lobby when this was left, please." Steve says.
JARVIS plays the footage on Steve's TV. Steve and Sam watch in confusion as it shows the doors opening, but nobody comes in. The bag just appears on the desk before the doors open and shut again.
"Thats weird." Sam says. "Maybe it's someone invisible? It wouldn't be the strangest shit I've seen."
"JARVIS, now please show the footage from outside the front doors when Bucky arrived this morning." Steve says. "I bet whoever dropped that off had Bucky, too." He says to Sam. "He came back clean and fed and taken care of, wearing new clothes. Someone had him."
Sam and Steve watch on the TV now as Bucky seems to suddenly appear out of thin air, holding the hand of a blonde man, with a brunette woman holding the man's other hand. The woman conjures a pink light from her hands, putting it to Bucky's head for a second, and saying something to him. Then the man pats Bucky's back, also saying something, before they watch Bucky walk in the doors. Then they just disappear.
"Where did they go?" Steve says.
"Maybe they teleported, I don't know." Says Sam.
"JARVIS, save that footage, and send copies to the other Avengers please." Says Steve. "They had Bucky, and I need to know why." He says to Sam.
"At least they brought him back, right?" Sam says.
Steve's phone pings again. He looks at it and sighs.
"What?" Sam asks.
"Bucky's wet again. I just changed him." Steve says, swiping a few strands of hair out of Bucky's face. Bucky stirs just a bit on Steve's lap, but doesn't wake up.
"Let the man sleep. You bought good quality diapers. They'll hold more than one piss. That tracker thing will tell you when it's close to overflow, right? You don't have to change it every time he goes. Unless he's uncomfortable, you'll just waste money." Sam says.
"I know." Says Steve.
"So how's he been?" Sam asks.
"He seems really anxious. He's been clingy all morning, won't let me leave his side at all. He even had to come with me to the bathroom." Steve says.
"Separation anxiety." Sam says. "You know his mind can't process and rationalize things that well right now. He probably doesn't understand why he was away from you, just that he didn't like it. Remember he left on his own, for some reason. So even though those people brought him back, who knows how long he was alone, suffering and unable to care for himself before they found him. He was probably terrified, starving, and miserable. So now I think he thinks that being away from you at all will be bad like that. He's scared. And it's okay to let him be scared for a little while. But you will eventually need to help him get over it."
"How do I do that?" Steve asks.
"Gradually leave him alone for a little bit longer each time. Like, when he's asleep like this, you can leave the room, and when he wakes up, wait a minute before going to him. Keep doing things like that but slowly increasing the time." Sam says. "You don't have to start today. Whenever you think he's ready. But also don't burn yourself out taking care of him. I'm here if you need a break, and so are the others. It can be draining."
"I just had a 3 day break. And it was miserable. I'm not leaving him anytime soon." Steve says.
"That's different. When he's with one of us you don't have to worry yourself to death over whether he's alive and okay. But I understand. Just take care of yourself, too." Says Sam.
"I know, Sam. But he needs me. I like taking care of him. Of course I do. I love Bucky and I'd do anything for him. He'll get better eventually, right? And when he does, at least he'll know I was here for him all the way. That I never abandoned him or let him down, even when it was hard. He'd do the same for me. He has done the same for me. Before the super soldier serum, I was small and so sickly. I had all sorts of things wrong with me. And he never abandoned me. He took care of me and never once complained. He kept me company when I was bedridden, reading to me, feeding me soup, making sure I didn't die. He even took me in after my Ma passed. I need to take care of him, Sam. I have to."
"I get it, Steve. I totally get it. You can take care of him, and you've been doing a great job. All I'm saying is, you need to take care of yourself too. There's nothing wrong with asking for help."
"Thank you, Sam. I know, it's just- it's just hard." Steve says.
Bucky starts to wake up then, yawning and rubbing his eyes. "Steve." Bucky says, looking up at Steve.
"Yeah, I'm here." Says Steve.
"Alright, well I'll leave you two alone now. Remember to take care of yourself, Steve. See ya, Bucky." Sam says before leaving.
"Steve." Bucky says again.
"Yeah, Buck. I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere." Steve says.
Steve notices Bucky looks anxious and uncomfortable. "What's the matter, Bucky?"
Bucky gets up from Steve's lap, and grabs his hand. Steve gets up and follows him.
Bucky walks into the corner, and Steve knows what he does in the corner.
Bucky looks at Steve nervously, still holding his hand but nudging him away. Steve looks the other way and that seems to be what Bucky wanted.
Steve waits for Bucky to finish, ignoring pings from his phone telling him Bucky's diaper is dirty because he already knows. Then he takes him to get changed
Once he's cleaned up and in a fresh diaper, Bucky takes Steve's hand and leads him to the bathroom. He points to the toilet, looking at Steve with pleading eyes.
"What about it Buck?" Steve asks.
Bucky points again to the toilet.
"Do you want to learn to use the toilet again?" Steve asks.
Bucky nods.
Steve considers for a minute. "Okay, Bucky." He says finally. "Since you seem to know when you need to go number 2, and you're able to get up and go to the corner, I think you could probably use the toilet for that. I think it's a good idea, and you'll do a good job and it will probably help you feel good about yourself, right?"
Bucky nods.
"But," Steve continues. "Since you can't control your bladder and don't know when you have to pee, you'll still need to wear the diapers. Although after a little while, if you've been doing good with using the toilet for number 2, we can see about switching to pull ups. And I promise I'll get you some good ones, not like the thin leaky one you came back in. Deal?"
Bucky nods. "Steve." He says. He hugs Steve.
"You're welcome." Steve says. "You've had a pretty regular schedule so far, so we can start trying tomorrow morning. Now how about some lunch? You hungry?"
Bucky nods. He follows Steve to the kitchen, still holding his hand tight, and then his shirt so Steve can make the food.
After lunch, Steve and Bucky watch TV. Bucky cuddles up to Steve close, practically on his lap.
He's not paying attention to whatever is on TV. There's afternoon light coming in from the window, hitting Steve's golden hair and glacier blue eyes just right. Bucky wants to tell Steve how beautiful he is, how much he loves him, how he makes his life brighter and makes him feel warm and nice whenever they're together. But he can't. He fucking can't and it makes him want to cry.
"Steve." He says instead.
Steve turns to look at him, and Bucky brings a hand to his face, caressing his cheek. "Steve." He says again.
"I'm here, Bucky. You're okay. What's the matter?" Steve says.
Bucky leans in to kiss Steve. Steve reciprocates at first, before pulling back.
"Are you sure you want this, Buck? You're not doing this just because you think you have to, or something?" He asks. "I don't want to hurt you. I don't know if last time was the reason you ran, but I don't want that again. I don't want to make it happen again."
"Steve." Bucky says. He doesn't know how to express his thoughts. He can't fucking talk and he doesn't know why. He doesn't remember why he ran but he can't let Steve think it was because of him.
"Steve." He says, grabbing Steve's hand and bringing it to his chest, over his heart. He puts his own hand over Steve's heart. "Steve."
"I love you too." Steve says with a smile. Bucky can't be grateful enough that Steve understood.
Bucky goes in for a kiss again. This time, Steve doesn't pull away.