Chapter 1
It's a shock when Bucky shows up to the tower one morning out of the blue. It's only been about 2 weeks since the fight on the helicarrier where Steve stopped project insight, and Steve was sure he would have to chase his old friend down. But here he is, standing right in front of him. The sight of him breaks Steve's heart.
Bucky is filthy. Actually, that's probably an understatement. He is still covered in dirt and dried blood from their fight and subsequent river bank rescue, in addition to regular grime from apparently not having showered in the past 2 weeks. He is thin, way thinner than the last time Steve saw him, as if he hasn't eaten this whole time either. And the smell, oh God the smell. Not just the musky, sour smell of B.O., although he has that smell too. But it is vastly overshadowed by the sharp stink of stale piss.
"Bucky." Steve says, sadly. "What happened to you?"
JARVIS had alerted Steve first, when Bucky just nonchalantly walked in the tower's front doors into the lobby. Steve had immediately rushed down to make sure he didn't leave, or be kicked out, or detained.
JARVIS has also apparently alerted Tony, if not the others. Tony bursts out of the elevator in his Ironman suit, hands up and repulsors aimed straight for Bucky.
"Stand back, Cap." Tony says.
"Tony no! He's not a threat! He needs help! Just look at him!" Steve yells, trying to pull Tony back.
"He literally tried to kill you two weeks ago." Tony deadpans. "Seems pretty threatening to me."
"But he didn't! He saved me! He pulled me out of the water. He's scared, you're scaring him! Just let me handle it, Tony!"
Tony slightly lowers his hands, but doesn't turn off the repulsors. Bucky just stands there, staring at him wide eyed and frightened.
"Start talking, terminator. What are you here for?" Tony asks him.
"Ready to comply." Bucky replies. His voice is quiet and hoarse from disuse, and more than likely dehydration.
"I've got him, Tony. You can go back to whatever you were doing, I'm sure you were busy." Steve says, then, turning to Bucky, "It's gonna be okay, Buck. I'll take care of you."
Bucky doesn't say anything, just stands there with that blank, wide eyed look. Then Steve watches as wetness suddenly starts spreading across his pants from the crotch, and the liquid splatters loudly on the tile floor under him. His piss is dark, like, way too dark to be healthy. Definitely dehydrated, then.
"Ew." Says Tony. "Is that why you smell like a dirty gas station bathroom urinal?"
"Tony! I doubt he did it on purpose! You're scaring him! Just go, I've got him, I'll get him cleaned up."
"Fine. But if JARVIS alerts me to any threatening or dangerous behavior, he's outta here. I'll be in the lab." Tony says, turning to leave.
"Bucky. Come on, let's go get you cleaned up. I bet you're hungry, I have lots of food. I'll take care of you." Steve says once Tony has gone. He leads Bucky to the elevator and presses the button for his floor.
Bucky startles a little as the elevator starts moving and he backs into the corner.
"It's okay, Buck. It's just an elevator." Steve says gently. Bucky doesn't answer back, only looks up at him with wide eyes, lower lip trembling. "We're almost to my floor, it's okay."
They step off on Steve's floor and he leads Bucky to the bathroom first. "The shower's right here, you can use my soap and shampoo. I'll get you some clothes." He says. Bucky only stands there.
"Bucky? You alright?" Steve asks.
"Ready to comply." Is the only answer he gets.
"The shower," says Steve, pointing to the shower. "You should shower."
Bucky stares blankly at him for a second, before turning and stepping into the shower fully clothed.
"Bucky no. Do you... do you remember how to shower? How to clean yourself?"
Bucky only stares.
"Okay, that's okay. I'll help you." Says Steve. "Take your clothes off."
Bucky goes wide eyed again at the request, but slowly reaches for the buckles on his Winter Soldier vest with trembling fingers. Tears fill his eyes and run silently down his cheeks, leaving a trail through the dirt and grime as he opens the buckles and removes the vest.
"Why are you crying, Buck?" Steve asks.
Bucky doesn't answer as he slowly undoes his belt and the zip on his tactical pants and lowers them to the floor. He crouches and unties his boots to take them off before he steps out of the pants, and Steve notes he's not wearing underwear. His genitals and inner thighs are angry-red and bumpy, like a rash.
"Does it hurt?" Steve asks.
Bucky doesn't say anything but flinches slightly when Steve reaches towards him.
"It's okay, Bucky. I won't hurt you." Steve says. "Let me get the water running."
Steve reaches over and turns the knobs until the water is nice and warm. Then he has Bucky step into the shower. He grabs the removable shower head and sprays him all over, watching the dirt fall off as the water runs dirty and brown towards the drain. He grabs his softest washcloth and his bodywash, lathering up the cloth and turning to Bucky.
"I'm gonna wash you, I won't hurt you. I'll be gentle."
He starts with Bucky's face, gently scrubbing the dirt from his skin and avoiding his eyes and mouth. He works his way down, scrubbing Bucky's chest and stomach, arms and legs, hands and feet, his back. When he goes to wash between Bucky's legs he flinches and whimpers.
"It's okay, Bucky. I'm not gonna hurt you, remember? I'm just making sure you're clean."
"Ready to comply." Bucky sobs, and starts muttering something in Russian that Steve can't understand. He washes Bucky's genitals and butt quickly, trying to be as gentle as possible and not cause him too much distress.
"There, all done. It's alright. I'm gonna wash your hair now, okay?"
Steve sets the now dirty washcloth to the side and grabs his shampoo. He has to wash and rinse Bucky's hair 3 times to get the caked dirt and blood fully out.
He helps Bucky step out of the shower and dries him off quickly.
"Come on, let's get you dressed. You can borrow some of my clothes."
He leads Bucky to his bedroom, rifling through his drawers for some suitable clothing. Bucky is too skinny right now, most of his clothes will be too big. He picks out a soft black tee shirt and a pair of dark blue sweats with a drawstring he can tie so they won't fall off, black boxer briefs and a pair of socks. He helps Bucky dress. The clothes are huge on him.
"Let's go to the kitchen, what do you want to eat?" Steve asks.
Bucky doesn't answer but follows him to the kitchen, at least. Steve has him sit down at the table as he looks through the fridge and pantry. He decides to make some pb&j's, and soon sets down a plate of several sandwiches in front of Bucky, along with both a glass of milk and a glass of water. Bucky practically inhales all the sandwiches and drains both glasses. Steve fills his water glass again and it disappears almost as quickly as the first. Then Bucky pushes the plate and glasses away from him.
"You're done?" Steve asks.
Bucky doesn't answer, but he nods, which is the closest thing to an answer Steve has been able to get from him so far.
"Okay, let's go sit on the couch. We don't have to talk right now if you don't want to, we can just watch TV."
He leads Bucky to the living room and sits on the couch. Bucky kneels on the floor in front of him.
"No, Bucky. You can sit on the couch. Come on." Steve says, patting the cushion next to him.
Bucky gets up and stares between Steve and the space next to him on the couch for a moment before sitting down.
"Good, Buck. You can sit here anytime you want. And you can eat any of the food and use anything you want here. What's mine is yours."
When Bucky doesn't answer again, Steve decides to just turn on the TV. He flips channels until he finds some documentary about frogs on animal planet, but he's not really paying attention to it. He's thinking about how grateful he is Bucky came back to him and what he can do to help him.
After maybe 20 minutes, out of the corner of his eye Steve sees wetness start creeping across the front of Bucky's sweats, pooling under him on the couch before being slowly soaked up into the cushion. Some runs down his legs to the floor too. Bucky looks down, but doesn't say anything and just goes back to staring blankly at the TV.
Steve waits to see if Bucky will do anything, but he doesn't. Steve doesn't understand what's going through Bucky's head, but he's embarrassed for him. Bucky must feel him staring, because he timidly looks up.
"Bucky," Steve says calmly. "Let's go get you cleaned up."
Bucky looks confused as he stares at Steve.
"You peed your pants." Steve reminds him.
Bucky looks back down at his wet pants, then stares blankly at Steve. He doesn't move.
"I'm not mad, but when you do things like that you need to clean yourself afterwards. You can't just walk around in pee pants all day." Steve says, getting up. "Let's go."
Bucky follows Steve into the bathroom, and he's looking nervous and scared when Steve turns to him.
"I won't hurt you, I won't ever hurt you. I'm just going to wash you up. You can keep your shirt on, even."
Steve grabs a clean washcloth and wets it in the sink with warm water and just a little soap. He helps Bucky take off his pants and underwear and sadly listens to his scared, quiet crying while he washes his lower half.
"There, I'm done. Doesn't that feel better, Bucky? It's okay. Lets go get new pants."
He leads Bucky to the bedroom again and finds another pair of boxer briefs as well as some grey joggers for him. He helps him put them on.
"You know, you can go use the bathroom any time you need to, Buck. You don't have to be scared, or ask for permission or anything. You can just go if you need to." Steve says as he ties the pants drawstring around Bucky's waist. He's once again met by that blank stare from before.
"Just sit here on the bed for a sec, alright? I'll be right back."
Steve leaves the room before he pulls his phone out and googles what to do about the couch. Per the internet instructions, he soaks up as much pee as he can with paper towels then sprinkles baking soda over the stain.
"Bucky." He calls across the room. Bucky comes out of the bedroom and Steve sits him down on the opposite end of the couch from the wet spot. He turns the TV back on and goes to the kitchen to get Bucky some water.
"Here." Steve says, handing him the glass. "I still think you're a little dehydrated. You should drink 8 glasses a day, you know. It's nearly dinner time, but if you're hungry now I can get you a snack. Do you need something?"
Bucky shakes his head, but takes the glass of water and drinks it quickly before handing it back. Steve just sets it on the coffee table and sits next to him.
After about an hour of watching Bucky stare blankly at the TV, Steve decides to order pizza for dinner. The food arrives fairly quickly, and he takes Bucky to the kitchen table to eat. Bucky eats his share fast, scarfing down several slices like a starving man, which Steve assumes he is.
He soon hears trickling and dripping under the table, and looks only to see Bucky's wet himself, again. Bucky only looks down and then back up at Steve, waiting for his reaction.
"Let's go, Bucky." Steve says. "I'll help you."
He leads Bucky to the bathroom again and holds back a sigh as he helps Bucky out of his wet pants and underwear, wiping him up quickly while he cries. He wonders what's wrong with Bucky, if perhaps this is a medical issue or a mental one.
"Come here, Bucky." Steve says, stepping up to the toilet and waiting for Bucky to come up beside him.
"You remember how to use the toilet, don't you? Watch me." Steve says, pulling himself out and aiming down at the water before releasing his bladder.
Bucky watches, but says nothing. Steve finishes up and tucks himself back into his pants and flushes.
"Let's go get new pants." He says.
He takes Bucky to his bedroom and dresses him in another pair of boxer briefs and some black joggers. Then he sits down on the edge of the bed.
"Come here, Buck. Sit with me." Steve says, patting the bed beside him.
Bucky sits and Steve considers his words before speaking.
"Do you know? When you need to pee I mean. Can you feel the urge? Do you know when it's gonna happen?" He asks.
Bucky shrugs and shakes his head.
"So you can't feel it when you need to pee, it just happens?"
Bucky shrugs his shoulders and nods.
"Okay, Bucky. That's okay. It's not your fault, I'm not mad. I'll help you. Stay here for a minute, I'll be back." Steve says before getting up to leave the room.
Out in the living room, he takes out his phone and dials Sam.
"Steve," Sam says when he picks up. "What's up?"
"Hey Sam," Steve says. "So, I have this... friend. Who showed up today. And he's been through a lot. He doesn't talk much, and seems scared. He was dirty, and malnourished, and dehydrated, but I'm taking care of him. He keeps having accidents. Like, peeing himself. I think something is wrong with him, either physically or mentally. I don't think he realizes when he needs to go and he can't seem to control it. How can I help him?"
"Hmmm..." says Sam. "Would this "friend" just so happen to be the metal armed super assassin that destroyed my car and ripped off my wing 2 weeks ago?"
Steve sighs. "Yes... he didn't mean it, Sam. He wasn't in control. Please don't be angry with him."
"I'm not angry. I know he was brainwashed. But you have those files," Sam says. "About the Winter Soldier and how they conditioned him, how they broke him. He was repeatedly frozen and thawed, they used electroshock, and I doubt they were kind to him in between. So, this could be a symptom of stress, or fear, or maybe some kinda disconnect in the brain, either from the shocks or the cryofreeze. Dude was tortured for 70 years, man. You don't just snap back from that."
"I know," says Steve. "I don't expect him to just be healed overnight and back to his old self again. But I also wasn't prepared for... this. I'm going to take care of him, of course I will. But I want to help him any way I can. I've already cleaned him up from accidents 3 times today, and he gets scared and cries every time. I need to figure something out."
"I'll be there in half an hour." Sam says after a pause. "I'm sure you're doing great with him, Steve. You don't have to go it alone. See you soon." Sam says before hanging up.
Steve slips his phone back into his pocket and goes to the bedroom, sitting next to Bucky on the bed.
"Bucky," he says. "My friend Sam is coming over. He's the Falcon, you know, the guy with the wings? He's not angry at you for the fight, and he won't hurt you. He's going to help me help you. We'll figure something out."
Bucky glances up with wide eyes, and bites his lip, but says nothing.
"It's okay Bucky. Like I said, he's not mad and he won't hurt you. I wouldn't let anyone hurt you. He's going to help." Steve says.
He sits with Bucky and rubs his back to help him calm down until he hears the elevator open. He leaves Bucky in the bedroom and goes out to the living room to meet Sam, who is holding a plastic grocery bag.
"What's that?" Steve asks.
"Baby wipes, and adult diapers." Sam replies.
"Oh," says Steve. "...I guess that makes sense. I don't know why I didn't think of that. I just thought you were going to help him not wet himself anymore."
"This will help him not wet himself anymore. At least not getting his pants and the area around him wet. I'm glad you have such high confidence in my skills as a therapist," Sam says, pulling out the pack of diapers. "But even the best therapist couldn't magically cure incontinence."
"Yeah, you're right. I don't know what I was thinking. So..." Steve says. "How do you use these? I mean, obviously I know what they're for. But how would he put them on, or more likely, how would I put them on him? They look a lot different than the cloth and pins my ma used to put on me."
"Well, I've changed my nephew's diapers when they were babies." Sam says. "But I'm sure he would be more comfortable with you doing it. So we can find a YouTube video, you can find out how to do basically anything on YouTube these days."
So they pull up YouTube on Sam's phone, and search "how to change a diaper." They watch a video of a woman putting a diaper on a baby doll. Steve watches carefully how she slides it under the doll and pulls it up, fastening the tapes to the front with a practiced ease.
"You got it?" Sam asks after they watch the video on repeat a few times.
"Yeah, I got it." Says Steve. "Let's go talk to Bucky, then."
Bucky is still sitting on the bed where Steve left him when they walk in. Steve sits next to Bucky, while Sam leans against the wall next to the doorway, trying not to crowd Bucky or block the exit in case he wants to leave.
"Bucky, this is my friend Sam." Steve says. "He brought you something that will help."
"Hey, Bucky." Sam says. "No hard feelings, if that's what you're worried about. We can put the situation in D.C. behind us, and start over."
Bucky stares blankly for a moment before nodding.
"Good." Sam says. "So, Steve tells me you've been having some problems. With your bladder. That's okay, many people experience incontinence and it's nothing to be ashamed about. Have you had problems like this before?"
Bucky only shrugs.
"When you were with Hydra, did you have this problem? Did you ever have to wear diapers?" Sam asks.
Bucky shudders at the mention of Hydra, and only shrugs to Sam's question.
"Okay." Sam says. "Well, I brought you some diapers, and I think it would be a good idea for you to wear them. Steve will help you. They're absorbent, so they'll soak up your pee when you have an accident, and your clothes won't get wet. It will be easier clean up for Steve and less stress for you. Do you want them?"
"Ultimately it's your choice, Bucky" Steve cuts in. "I won't force you to do anything you don't want to do. But I also think Sam's right, it would be a good idea to wear them. Then we won't have to change your pants so much, and it will be easier for both of us. What do you say, pal?"
After some quick consideration, Bucky nods. So Sam hands Steve the bag of diapers and wipes and leaves the room. Steve has Bucky lay on his back on the bed, and he helps remove his pants and underwear. Bucky looks like he might cry again at being exposed.
"It's okay, Bucky. It's okay. I'll be quick, I won't hurt you." Steve says.
He has Bucky lift his hips so he can slide the diaper under him and brings up the front and does up the tapes, like he saw in the video. He helps Bucky sit up and put his pants back on.
"There, all done." Steve says. "That wasn't so bad, huh? You can come to me anytime you need a change and I'll help you. It'll be okay."
He leads Bucky back out to the living room, where Sam is sitting on the couch, eyeing the space on the other end that's covered in baking soda. He looks up when they walk in, though, and smiles.
"Feeling better, Bucky? I promise this will help. I'm sure Steve will help you, he's a good guy." Sam says.
"Thank you, Sam." Steve says, with grateful look. "I don't know what I'd do without you. I've got it now, if you got somewhere to be. I can handle this."
"You sure? I don't mind sticking around." Sam says.
"Yeah, we'll be alright. Thanks again, for everything." Steve says.
"Alright, well, call me if you need anything at all." Sam says, before leaving.
"Let's get some water, Bucky. You need a lot of it to stay healthy. And you're protected, now, if it makes you pee. You don't have to worry. Drink or eat as much as you want, you don't have to ask or wait for meal times, you know." Steve says, retrieving a glass from the cupboard. He fills it at the sink and hands it to Bucky, who drinks it and hands it back. Steve fills it again, and watches Bucky drink again. Steve fills it a third time, but Bucky doesn't drink anymore, just sets it on the counter.
"You can bring it with you, to the couch, if you want. We can watch more TV until we go to bed." Steve says, and Bucky picks up the glass and follows Steve to the living room, where he sets the glass on the coffee table and sits next to Steve on the couch.
They watch animal planet again for a while, with Steve occasionally gently encouraging Bucky to sip from his glass of water. He doesn't want Bucky to stay dehydrated. Soon Steve glances at his watch and sees that time has passed quickly, and it's nearly 10 PM.
"Let's go to bed, Bucky. I'm sure you're tired. I know I am." Steve says. "I have a spare bedroom you can stay in, if you'd be more comfortable."
He takes Bucky to his own bedroom first.
"Are you... can I check your diaper? Are you wet?" Steve asks.
Bucky stares and doesn't answer, so Steve slowly reaches out, trying not to startle him, and pats his butt. He can feel the soggy squishiness under Bucky's pants, so he tells him to lay down and pulls his pants down to his ankles.
Bucky whimpers as Steve untapes and opens the diaper.
"It's okay, Bucky. I'll never hurt you. You don't have to be scared." Steve says, opening the package of baby wipes.
Bucky starts crying when Steve wipes his crotch and butt.
"It's okay." Steve soothes. "It's okay. It's gonna be okay. You're safe here, I won't let anything hurt you ever again. I'll take care of you, Bucky." He continues the quiet reassurances as he finishes cleaning up Bucky and puts him in a new diaper. He helps him get his pants back on and takes him to the bathroom, where he empties his own bladder in the toilet, and helps Bucky brush his teeth before brushing his own. He then takes Bucky to the spare bedroom and pulls the blanket over him when he lays down.
"I'll be in my bedroom if you need me," Steve says. "You can come to me for anything, absolutely anything. If you can't sleep, or if you're wet, or scared, anything. You can come to me and I'll take care of you. I'm so glad you came back to me, Bucky. Thank you for coming back to me."
He leans down to kiss the top of Bucky's head, turning the light off and leaving the door cracked before he goes to his own room. He gets under his blanket, suddenly realizing exactly how exhausted he is.
It's about an hour later when Steve startles awake to the sound of his door opening. He panics for a second before remembering, Bucky's here. He squints against the light as Bucky's silhouette fills the doorway.
"What's the matter, Bucky? You need something?" Steve asks.
Bucky doesn't answer but slowly enters the room, leaving the door open behind him.
"You need a fresh diaper? Have a nightmare? What's up?" Steve asks.
Bucky doesn't answer. He walks to the side of Steve's bed, and lays down next to the bed, on the floor.
"What are you doing, Buck?" Steve asks, peering over the side of the bed. Bucky has his eyes closed, just laying still on the floor.
"You don't have to sleep on the floor. You can sleep in the bed if you want to sleep with me. I promise I won't hurt you, in any way, at all. It's okay."
Bucky opens his eyes but doesn't speak, and stays on the floor.
"Really, Bucky, it's okay. I don't mind sharing. I know it's probably scary to sleep alone. You'll be sore tomorrow if you stay down there, there's plenty of space here on the bed. I won't hurt you."
Bucky considers, and gets up from the floor. He walks around to the other side of the bed, and slowly lowers himself down onto the mattress, staying right on the edge. Steve rolls over and pulls the blanket over Bucky.
"It's okay, Buck. I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm so glad you're here. I missed you so much. I'll never hurt you. I love you, Bucky. Thank you so much for letting me take care of you."
Bucky doesn't say anything, and eventually, Steve closes his eyes to go back to sleep. A bit later, he's only half asleep when he feels the bed shifting with movement, and he feels Bucky press up against him. He opens his eyes, and Bucky is staring back nervously, as if he can't decide if he's doing something right or wrong.
"Can I touch you, Bucky? Like, cuddle you? Hold you? I won't hurt you."
After a few moments, Bucky nods, so Steve gently brushes the hair out of Bucky's face with his fingers, and puts his arms around him, holding him close. Bucky is tense in his arms, but slowly relaxes as the minutes pass, and soon his breathing evens out as his body goes lax with sleep.
Steve smiles to himself, grateful beyond anything that he gets to have this moment. The road ahead will be long and difficult, and taking care of Bucky and aiding in his recovery will be hard work, he knows. But, it's worth it. He knows they'll get there, and he doesn't care how long it takes. He knows everything will be okay.