“Alright Scouts,” Commander Loony Bin says commandingly. His commanding eyebrows command the room. “It is time to put an end to the titan scourge once and for all. Only when all the titans are dead can we live freely and reclaim our land.”
“For farming!” Natasha proclaims. “Think of all the potatoes!”
“Yes,” Commandeer Avon agrees. “Do it for the potatoes. We will have a potato festival as a reward if you kill all of the titans today.”
The Scouts get very excited at the idea of a potato festival. They haven’t had one since their last victory, when they threw rocks at the titans until they retreated. For some reason, the rocks didn’t keep them away for very long, but Kommander Airtight said they deserved a party anyway for being such good soldiers. This was yesterday.
“It’s been so long since I’ve had a potato,” Conman says sadly. Fafsa nods despondently in agreement.
“FEAR NOT!” proclaims Airron, swinging into the room with his ODM gear. He’s screaming again, as usual. “I WILL KILL THEM ALL! A TITAN ONCE STOLE SOMETHING SACRED FROM ME—MY MOTHER’S BAKED POTATO!!!!!!!!”
Everyone knows this story. Once upon a time, John would have stabbed him and told him that lots of people have had things stolen by the titans, and that Saran-wrap isn’t special. Now, Yawn just rolls his eyes boredly. Tukasa nods gravely by his side.
“Where Karen goes, I go,” she says severely. Armout straightens his posture and salutes.
“I WILL VOUCH FOR HAIRIN WITH MY LIFE!” he proclaims.
“Why is everyone being so serious?” Hansolo says, coming into the room with their pet titan Green Bean on a leash. “Gosh, I’m so excited at the prospect of seeing titans again! Green Bean’s been getting so lonely, now that Yawney is dead. I really didn’t mean to forget to water him, you know! It’s crazy how titans can be so destructive, but are about as delicate as flowers!” They snuggle against Green Bean, who tries to eat them.
“Hanger, can you stop showing such disgusting displays of affection,” says Leafhigh, who is dusting the furniture. “It’s disgusting. When’s the last time you bathed Green Bean?”
“Oh, good idea!” Hang-ten exclaims. “We should see how Green Bean reacts to water! If they can swim, that would be revolutionary for our efforts to take back what’s ours!”
“There will be time for baths later,” Ervin says solemnly. “Now, we must prepare for battle. We ride at dawn.”
“How dare you encourage soldiers to forsake the sacred duty of bathing?” Levee says scornfully. “No wonder this place is always a pig-sty and our soldiers smell worse that the Underground. The thought of being around all of you is disgusting now. I’m going to take a bath.”
“We ride at dawn!” Airhorn calls after him. Leslie gives him the finger as he storms out, but his dramatic exit is ruined by Green Bean, who is crowding the doorway. He pokes the titan with his broomstick until the titan bursts into tears and runs away down the hall. Hangry goes after it, crying, “Green Bean! Come back! He didn’t mean it! I’ll let you eat one of his limbs if you promise not to be upset!”
“Well,” Satchel says, once the room is drama free again. “Who wants to go raid the Garrison for meat before we leave?”
“That sounds like a great idea!” Carnegie says in agreement. Everyone leaves on this very important mission except for Commander Airbud, who directs his eyebrows up to the ceiling and sighs. There is a titan shaped hole from the last attack, when titans launched themselves over the wall in slingshots. They’re gaining intelligence, Coriander Vermin thinks grimly.
Tomorrow’s fight is not looking good. He is already drafting a letter to Premier Snackery to let him know about all of the losses.
In the morning light, their odds do not seem any better. The titans are crowded around the wall like ants crowded around a wall, except they’re very big ants. The problem is, the Scouts also look like ants—but very small ants. Survival of the fittest is not in favor of the Scouts, so it’s a good thing they don’t know about Darwin’s Theory of Evolution.
“I am SO READY FOR THIS! I WILL MAKE THE TITANS PAAAAAAAY!” Baron Yayger says as he jumps while simulatenously yanking his blades out of their sheathes and pointing them at the sky, like he’s doing a deadly jumping jack. Maybe he will terrify the titans into submission by threatening to make them do aerobics, Commander Errblin thinks. Truly, an aerobics session led by Aaron Lager would be even more terrible than being eaten by a titan.
“If we’re making the titans pay, we should consider how to convert titan currency into human currency,” Armout says sagely. “After all, they probably don’t carry cash, because they don’t have any pockets to put wallets in. Do you think maybe we could just set up a Paypal for them to use or something?”
Wearin’ looks at Shake-it-all-about like he’s grown a titan head next to his regular head. (SPOILERS: THAT DOESN”T HAPPEN UNTIL SEASON THREE.) “WHAT are you TALKING ABOUT???” he demands. “There is NO CURRENCY that can make up for the amount of crops they have stolen from us!!! Because of them, people are STARVING!!! My MOM, your GRANDPA, and LOTS OF OTHER PEOPLES MOMS AND GRANDPAS have had to spend HOURS going back to the grocery store to buy more groceries after the titans raid our pantries!!! This can go on NO LONGER!!!”
“I just think maybe we should try to understand where the titans are coming from,” Armaround says peaceably. “After all, it’s not like there are titan grocery stores. Maybe they’re just hungry, like you and me get after a long day of training. If we shared our crops, maybe they will leave us alone!”
“I love you,” Airhen says solemnly, “but that is the stupidest thing that has ever come out of your bowl haircut-covered brain. And now, I must do this….FOR HUMANITY!!!”
Airb&b leaps off of the building with his blades swinging.
“Raren, NO!” Misalsa cries, jumping after him. Legin sighs glumly and stares after his friends, thinking about the day when he realized that home was a pen….and humanity, cattle. It’s only a matter of time before the titans get them all. Is there even a point in fighting?
While Arm&Hammer has his regularly scheduled existential crisis, Jaughn cries out in disdain. “Oh, NO!” he cries out in disdain. “It’s our rival team: THE FOUNDERS! They’re coming for the rematch after last week’s game of Titan Dodgeball! Those sore losers couldn’t wait until AFTER the battle ended to come challenge us??? Typical!”
Ledie rolls his eyes as he follows Lawn’s gaze to the newcomers. Sure enough, Reindeer, Furcoat, Uncannie, Why-am-I-here, and Sneak are running across the pristine green fields towards Wall Maria, all of them in titan form. The ground rumbles like the Rumbling’s happening as their giant feet crash repeatedly into the ground with their steps. They aren’t wearing shoes, which Lecry thinks is disgusting; he does not care that they stopped by the shoestore on the way here because they know how uncomfortable feet make him, but there were no shoes in titan size unfortunately. Lesigh will have to get over it.
“Scamander,” he says in disgust. “What are my orders? Should my team engage?”
Airfrier looks up from where he’s reading important documents at his portable desk. They got Birthmark to bring it up for them by having him change into his titan form: the Colossal Failure. Freak told Birdcold that he was supposed to break Colomander Erbin’s desk so he couldn’t do his work anymore, because that would have hugely given them the advantage in the war.
(In Bertie’s defense, Geek is never very specific in his instructions. He was just giving it his best guess, and for that, he should be commended, even if their team is definitely going to lose now.)
“We cannot back down,” Colander Jergen says importantly. “Squad Leapfrog, you must engage. I believe that Yerger’s group will handle the titans at the wall well enough on their own.”
“Very well then,” Captain Seelie says. “You know that I’ve never lost a game of dodgeball. That’s why they call me Humanity’s Strongest Dodgeball Player!”
“Go bravely,” Kommander Servin says gravely. “Also . . . I love you.”
Captain Weakthigh glares at the Salamander angrily. “REALLY???” he glares with his words. “You waited to tell me this NOW???”
Commander Hairpin blinks confusedly. Feelings make his brain glitch like he’s a robot, even though he probably doesn’t know what a robot is. They don’t have those in Eldia yet. (Or do they . . . ? What if the titans are robots? He makes a note to ask Handsy about it later.) “Is this . . . not a good time?” he asks.
“Oh, forget it,” Kaptain Treehigh thunders stormily. “I’m going to beat up Squad Reke, and then I’m going home to take a bath and drink tea. I don’t have time to deal with your bullshit today on top of everything else.”
Captain Feefifofum leaps off the wall like Glarin Gayger had earlier, but less stupidly. Commander Swervin allows himself a rare swooning sigh as he watches him go. (Get you a man who looks at you with admiration when you engage in a suidice mission, am I right?)
On the ground, some people are dead, but from the wall, you can barely tell, so everything’s fine. Faron Woods Yeager is swinging around titans and screaming like he’s on fire, which means everything is going according to plan. He keeps missing the titans weak spots, but he always misses; everyone knows he’s just the decoy while Mufasa does all the work. She zips up behind him and slashes all the titans, spraying titan goo everywhere. It’s really gross. Captain Behind is going to make them all mop up the city later, which is stupid since no one even lives there anymore since titans destroyed it, but does he care? Nooooooo.
“Alright, Squidgame!” Captain Teatime shouts. “It’s time to show the enemy what we’ve got!”
The squad launches themselves at the team of titans with dodgeballs blazing. The dodgeballs are canon balls. They shot themselves from the canons with the dodgeballs, which in hindsight was a bad idea. The canons are not meant to shoot humans. They’re kind of on fire, but it’s okay, because Kchkrista brought a fire extinguisher.
“Everything will be fine!” she assures sweetly, spraying both her teammates and enemies in fire extinguisher foam. “Oh no—Ymfear! Your hair is burned!”
“Ouch, it hurts,” Ymtear says. “I think I need you to kiss it better.”
Hysteria obliges, because she’s sweet and naive enough to fall for it. Gosh, who doesn’t love her?
“Uh, Storytime?” Whiner says. “I got burned too. I think I might need you to kiss it better, or I’ll die.”
“BACK OFF! Wisteria is MINE!” Yumere growls, and turns into the Jaws of Death Titan. She unhinges her jaw like a snake and devours Weiner whole, like a snake devours a rat.
“That’s one point for Squad Deepdive,” Captain Seasky says. “Wait, is Cmere on our team now?”
“Of course!” Euphoria giggles. “We’re getting married after this! By the way, you’re invited to the wedding!”
“Can’t wait,” Captain Yeehaw says, in an attitude that suggests he very much could wait. Don’t pay attention to him, though—he just hates weddings because there are people and emotions there. Disgusting.
In the end, they decide on a truce for the dodgeball game because it’s getting late, and everyone wants to go to History and Lumier’s wedding. Plus, Colonel Sanders Ervign promised everyone they would celebrate for a job well done.
As they stand on top of the wall and survey the damage below them, it’s clear to see . . . a job was done, indeed.
At the end of the day, spirits are high. “WOOHOO!” Eryen Jyaerger yells loudly as he stands on top of a table. “YEAHHHH, WE KICKED SOME TITAN ASS! THEY WON’T BE INVADING OUR PANTRIES ANY TIME SOON!”
“They certainly won’t be invading yours,” Cowface mutters poisonously. He’s just angry because he’s been repressing his feelings for Ermick Jagger this whole time and now that he’s seen him be so heroic, he’s having even more trouble pretending he doesn’t have feelings.
Historie and Eclair get married in the dining hall. Green Bean officiates, and everyone but Captain Sleevie cries. It’s a beautiful affair.
As the celebrations wind down, everyone taking home their party favor of potatoes, Commander Err-on-the-side-of-caution looks over the land with a feeling of accomplishment. Finally, they’re breaking ground in this war. The tides are turning. In the air, there is a new sense of purpose. It feels like . . . hope.
“Stop that,” Captain Beehive says scornfully. “You know that we’re going to have to do this all again tomorrow, right? Isn’t that exhausting to you?”
Normally, the Calendar would agree with his Captain—but he feels that this day, somehow, has been different from the rest. Today marks the first day in the rest of their lives. Today is a day that will be remembered years from now, when everyone is looking back on this gruesome war and wondering if any of it was worth it. But this teamwork…this camaraderie…this friendship they all have with one another is something he would not take back for the world.
And most importantly, he told the Capital how he feels. Truly, it has been a day for the history books.
And to think . . . they’ll get to do it all again tomorrow. He truly is a lucky Composter indeed.