Memories
Stephen guided them into a room. Before he closed the door, Clint could see in the corner of his eye that the wizard squeezed Loki’s shoulder and they locked gazes for a second with an earnest impression. But then the moment was over, and Loki kindly asked the two of them to take a seat on the tatami mat floor.
They had agreed this morning that Clint would join the procedure – for keeping Bucky grounded as far as this was even possible in this situation and generally for safety reasons. No one knew how Bucky would react when he saw some specific memories again.
“Firstly, I'd like to thank you Bucky for agreeing to this and most importantly for trusting me with this. I know it’s hard so share memories like these with someone you barely know and probably don’t think the highest of.”
Loki slightly nodded into Clint’s direction. The one addressed blinked for a second and nodded too, non-verbally signalling back, that it was okay. Loki’s voice was calm and reassuring and suddenly Clint asked himself what they were hiding behind this façade of the intelligent, mischievous god they were. He hadn’t missed out how Loki had belittled themselves in their introduction.
Then Loki explained how the procedure would take place. The plan was that they would build a magical connection between their and Bucky’s brain and that Bucky would be able to lead Loki through the flashbacks he had seen during the night at home in Bedford–Stuyvesant. Afterwards Bucky would show him further triggering or just generally unwelcomed memories and then as the last step Loki themselves would skip through some reminiscences. Bucky and Clint too would be able to stop the process at any time and Loki would immediately slip out of his mind.
Furthermore, the god promised not to look into any kind of private moments that weren’t part of the triggering or any other memories Bucky wanted to keep to himself.
“Would you like us to start?” Loki asked.
Bucky took a deep breath and bandied looks with Clint.
“Yeah. Okay, I am ready.” He interlaced his fingers with Clint’s and closed his eyes.
Clint watched Loki gently laying the fingertips of their index and middle finger on Bucky’s temple and closing their eyes to concentrate. For a few seconds he thought nothing was happening, but then Loki’s wrist began to glow green and the shimmer coiled itself around their hand, their long pale fingers and entered Bucky’s head. His boyfriend inhaled in surprise on the completely new experience.
Clint could see at Bucky’s entire body language as they entered the first memories. His eyes were darting under his lids and he was tensed like he was about to go into a fight.
It didn’t take a minute until Bucky was insanely panting and shivering and the grip around Clint’s hand was tightening.
“No, no, no, no, no” he murmured under his breath and then he cried out in pain.
The heart-piercing cry went right through Clint and he sat there frozen in shock. Tears were now running down Bucky’s face but he kept his eyes shut.
Then suddenly the tone in Bucky’s voice had changed. I was shaped by a brutal coldness that it sent chills down Clint’s spine.
“Я готов отвечать.“ (I am ready to comply)
This didn’t sound like his boyfriend anymore, neither like a human being at all. This was the voice of a machine. A machine that was capable of everything.
The sound of metal on metal filled the room and Clint saw that Bucky was clenching his left fist dangerously as if he was about to beat someone. He didn't even want to imagine what Bucky and Loki were watching now.
“Alright stop!”
Loki did so immediately.
Bucky pressed his palms against his temples, heavily breathing. His eyes were open, but his stare was still lost somewhere in the past. Clint reached out his arms to pull him into a hug but Bucky stopped him with a gesture.
“No. No. Just give me a minute!” He panted.
“I- it’s just…” he murmured, eyes still darting across a scenery that was invisible to anyone else.
“…the trigger words. We went straight into it.”
Then he turned to Clint and to his surprise Bucky began to sign.
Clint, you once said you wish you could grasp what I’ve gone through... well, now is your chance...
Clint didn’t know what to say nor what to think. These grey eyes which he had admired so often, suddenly overwhelmed him with such a brutal honesty that it took him a few seconds to understand what Bucky was ready to share with him. The longer Clint thought about what it meant the more scared he became. For sure he had seen his boyfriend being desperate and crying and losing his mind, but this was different. He looked so vulnerable but yet so determined.
It will hurt. This wasn’t a question but a statement.
Yes. Bucky signed back.
Okay.
Even though Loki hadn’t understood was going on they sensed that it was some kind of serious communication between them and as Clint looked up to them, they knew what the two had discussed.
“Are you sure?”
Clint's voice was firm. “I am.”
Loki nodded. Now they put their fingertips on Bucky’s and Clint’s temple and closed their eyes. Before the green shimmer touched his skin, Clint felt Bucky grabbing his hand.