Preanesthetic evaluation
Clint, Bucky and Steve just finished breakfast and Clint emptied his fourth cup of coffee as Shuri came by.
“Good morning!” She smiled to everybody around. “I’ve got some news. The sorcerers told the rest of the team yesterday that they finished their trainings and get along really well – personally and magically. Therefore, all five of us subsequently had a meeting and we’re now ready to go through the preanesthetic evaluation with you, Bucky.”
Clint saw his boyfriend’s metal hand lightly clenching into the arm of his chair.
“…uhm ok. Right now?”
He seemed a little overwhelmed.
“Whenever you like but as sooner as we are done with is the sooner the surgery can take place.”
“Okay. Can Clint and Steve join?”
“Of course.”
Shuri asked them to follow her through the palace and into her lab, where Tony, Stephen, Loki and Wanda already awaited them.
When they all had taken a seat, Stephen began to speak.
“Firstly, I would like to thank you, Bucky, for your trust in us being your surgeons. If you don’t have any general questions, I’d suggest we go straight into it.”
Bucky shook his head and Stephen went on.
“The hardest yet the most important part is rooting out the extend of your memories that have the greatest amount of control over your physical actions – the ones that have been manipulated due to their deep emotional trauma.[1] The first option would be an awake brain surgery during which one of us would guide you through these memories so we can see which parts of your brain get triggered. But since you assured us that these memories also include the wiping and the saying of trigger words, we decided we cannot to take the risk of you may switching into the Winter Soldier during surgery.”
“Therefore” Wanda continued “Loki will guide you through these triggering memories before surgery. During our training it turned out that they are the best of us to deal with a person’s mind as well as locating what areas of someone’s brain respond to which outside influences."
Loki straightened up in their chair.
“Unfortunately, we have to go through the flashbacks you had in this particular night as well” they said. “Even though not everyone will be a memory that immediately triggers the Winter Soldier program in your head. But we can talk about this in more detail afterwards.”
Loki made an all-embracing gesture and let Stephen switch over to possible risks, side effects and sequelae. Clint guessed that the five surgeons had agreed on letting Stephen do most of the talk since it had been an actual part his job before he got his powers. And apart from Wanda and Shuri he was the only one in the room who wasn’t involved into any kind of complicated relationships like Bucky, Steve and Tony or Clint and Loki were.
“For clarification: With this surgery we will only try to erase the trigger words and the memories that activate the Winter Soldier program in your head. We won’t be able to get rid of the emotional trauma that came with it. If you wish for it, Loki, Wanda and I can try to erase some very painful memories that aren’t directly linked to the program and the trigger words themselves. But in some circumstances, this may lead to a certain amount of amnesia which we cannot overview beforehand. So, I ask you to think about this very deliberately and in detail. Furthermore, there is a minor risk of brain haemorrhage though this is seldomly life-threatening. Sequelae can be impaired mobility, language and vision disorders – but the latter appear only seldomly either. After surgery there is a high chance that we have to put you in artificial coma. This means nothing bad at first but serves the healing process for the time being to relieve your brain cells. You will be given strong painkillers and sleeping pills, just like an anaesthetic, which will reduce your brain's metabolism and oxygen requirements.”
Bucky gulped. His brain tried to process the flood of information that just had rained down on him. In light of the fact that he had to go through all this pain again on top of that with Loki, a person he barely knew, his stomach turned. But the high chance that he would be put into coma after everything was over was equally frightening. He didn’t know much about this condition.
“Can…can I have flashbacks during coma?”
He looked onto the ground as if he was ashamed for asking this question.
“I’m scared that it’ll somehow remind me of how cryostasis felt. I never wanna have to feel this again. Ever.”
Now Tony leaned forward.
“After they pulled the arc reactor out of my chest, I was in coma for nearly a week. I can assure you that you don’t feel a thing. You are unconscious and when you wake up you don’t feel like someone just took you out of the freezer if that’s what you scared of. It’s more like you’re quite confused and don’t really have a clue what’s going on. Your view is kinda hazy. Therefore, it’s even more important that you’re surrounded by familiar faces.”
He nodded into Clint’s and Steve’s direction.
“And what about the arm? Can you get these metal plates out of my shoulder?”
“Yeah, this is the second major procedure we will have to make.” Shuri said. “While Loki, Stephen and Wanda primarily will take care of your brain Tony and I will focus on your arm. After Loki went through your memories with you, they’ll be able to tell us to what extend your arm is directly connected to the triggers and if a partly or complete removal is an option to fully deprogram you. Because Hydra’s trigger-word brainwashing is so deeply rooted in your mind, there’s no safe way to selectively deprogram you physically without the risk of further damaging your psyche.[2] Which means we will do the brain surgery first and then we can hopefully gauge whether and to what extend we have to perform a second surgery on your arm.”
Bucky let out a long exhausted breath.
“…oh god.” He rubbed his face. “Just promise me you mount everything at its right place in the end and that I recognize all of you.”
Tony smiled gently.
“We try to keep our word.”
When the evaluation was over, Bucky held Clint and Steve back a little abashed.
“Could we… go on a walk together?” He looked past them at his feet.
They both immediately agreed, knowing how hard it still was for Bucky to be vulnerable and discuss his feelings in front of others.
They entered the imposing palace garden and walked for a few minutes in comfortable silence. The view was breath-taking: huge weeping beans lined the walkways always alternating with tangerine trees and other fruits whose names Clint did not know. Small fountains splashed here and there, and numerous benches invited visitors to sit in the shade.
Both Steve and Clint patiently waited for Bucky to address the topic.
“I uhm… I” Bucky stuttered trying to find the right words. “I’m scared of doing that memory thing with Loki, but I can see that there is no way I can evade it. And secondly, I don’t know whether I want other memories being erased… but maybe that’ll change after Loki guided me through them again, so I think I’ll wait with this decision after we’re done with that.”
They slowed down their speed of walking.
“Yeah, I kinda had similar thoughts to be honest” Clint stated, and Steve nodded contemplatively.
“The question now is rather when you wanna do it and how long you think you needa prepare for it.” Steve stated.
Bucky thought about it and eventually stopped and grabbed a tangerine from above their heads just to have something to fiddle around with.
“I think I could already do it tomorrow. The preparation isn’t that big of a problem. I’m being prepared with every nightmare I have – so basically every night.”
He laughed dry and sarcastically and then turned to Clint.
“But the aftercare might take it’s time…”
His boyfriend gently placed a palm on his cheek.
“Whatever you need, my love.”
The reassuring look in Clint’s blue eyes grounded Bucky and every time he looked into these eyes he asked himself how on earth he deserved such a wonderful partner.