The words that haunt me

Marvel Cinematic Universe
F/M
M/M
Multi
G
The words that haunt me
author
Summary
One evening, Clint and Natasha are not at home, Bucky recieves an anonymous call - and what the stranger says to him drives Bucky into madness. The sudden realisation that the first attempt to remove the Winter Soldier Program from his brain didn't work crashes over their home in Bedford–Stuyvesant without a warning.One thing is clear - they need to go to Wakanda again, to start an new attempt.
Note
DISCLAIMER:CN: panic attacks, vomiting, graphic description of violence, very brief mentioning of raping (Chapter 10)Honestly, I am so excited to share this with you. It literally took me 2 1/2 years to finish this one because, you know, life happened and I often didn't find the time. Therefore I am even more happy now to finally being able to publish this story. I really put my heart into it and I really hope you like it. I'd love to read some comments, so feel free to give me your opinion on my work.A few more words before you can start reading:First of all Loki is non-binary, which means Loki uses they/them pronouns, don’t be confused by it. They’re neither a man nor a woman, just like myself.Second of all I am neither a psychologist nor an expert on PTSD or highly complex brain surgeries. Still, I tried to research every medical and psychological process to a certain extend and tried to write it as realistic as possible. But of course, we are talking about superheroes here so don’t take the actions in this story as a guideline to proceed in reality.If you are suffering from mental health issues and need somebody to reach out to, you can find phone numbers here:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lineshttps://checkpointorg.com/global/All information is subject to change. I don’t own any of these characters, settings etc.All rights reserved in terms of the plot.
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Arrival

Due to the time shift from Eastern Daylight Time to West Africa Time they arrived at 16:10 local time in Birnin Zana, Wakanda’s capital. Everyone on the jet was grateful that it was already afternoon wherefore they could go to bed as soon as the welcoming was over. The only exception was Peter, whom Steve carried in his arms because he had already fallen asleep.

Their reception committee consisted of T’Challa, Shuri, their mother Ramonda, Nakia and Okoye, who informed them that Loki, Doctor Strange and Wanda would arrive within the next couple of hours and invited everyone to dinner. Then T’Challa and Shuri guided them to their already made up apartments. Clint and Bucky shared one as well as Steve and Tony. Only Peter got his own room that purely accidentally was located near Shuri’s.

“Before you go to bed-” Shuri gently laid a hand on Bucky’s arm. “I need you to know that we’ll need a few days to prepare for surgery. The sorcerers must become attuned to one another and all of us have to hold a preanesthetic evaluation with you to go through possible risks and side effects. Though of course we try to keep them to a minimum.”

Bucky looked ashamed on the ground.

“I don’t know how to thank you for all of this...”

Shuri squeezed his arm in a friendly gesture. “Don’t be embarrassed. I’m helping a friend to get his life back.”

She smiled and gingerly closed the door behind her. Bucky let himself fall on the bed and Clint crawled up next to him. A sudden wave of guilt welled up in his chest.

“Babe?” He cautiously asked.

An incomprehensible grumbling came out of the pillows, then Bucky lifted his head and turned to him.

“Mhhyeah?” He was very tired.

“I uhm…I’m sorry I got so angry when Nat told us about Loki. It’s just…” He struggled to find the right words. “I’m so scared they hurt you the way they hurt Nat and me. And that they mess something up. But I know this isn’t about me or Nat. So just I want you to know, if that’s what you want and if you are okay with that, I will do everything possible and impossible to make this procedure to go as perfect as it can. And if that means that they are one of your surgeons I’m okay with that.”

Bucky leaned his forehead against Clint’s.

“Thank you” he said with a warmth in his voice and an honesty in his eyes that Clint felt his worries slowly melting away from him.

Even though the Stark-Rogers family, Clint and especially Bucky were very exhausted the dinner was fun. By 6:00 p.m. the sorcerers arrived as well as Sam Wilson and Rhodey much to Tony’s and Bucky’s joy. Sam, Steve and Bucky spent nearly the whole evening chatting and Clint was happy that his boyfriend could think of something else than the upcoming surgery. He would’ve been even happier if Nat joined them, but she was currently on a very important undercover mission for Fury and couldn’t risk her cover being blown.

Still it was really nice seeing everyone gathered around one big table, drinking, eating and exchanging stories about how they had been, what they had done and whom they had fought since the last get together at the Avengers Tower. Coincidentally Clint looked into Loki’s direction as Rhodey gestured wildly to Peter and Wanda describing a fight he once had. “It was a monster, I swear!” Loki flinched slightly at the mention of this particular word and Clint could see Stephen Strange squeezing their hand under the table. Loki looked around cautiously if anyone had seen it whereupon Clint suddenly seemed to be very interested in the fork on his plate.

It was way past midnight and Bucky nearly fell asleep on Sam’s shoulder as he and Clint decided to leave. They were wished a good night by everyone and promised not being woken up tomorrow morning. A welcoming silence surrounded them as they walked through the big empty hallways back to their apartment and Clint realised how loud it had been during dinner. His ears were still ringing.

“Feels quite awkward that they're all coming together yet the occasion is actually such an unpleasant one” Bucky said while interlacing his fingers with Clint’s. “But did you see the look Loki threw at Strange?”

Clint laughed in surprise. “You noticed that? It seemed like Steve, Sam and you we somehow magically glued together. Tony didn’t even get a chance to talk to Sam.”

“C’mon, I haven’t seen this man in ages! And you have to admit that we are an invincible trio. ...Not as invincible as Nat, you and me of course.” He hurried to say as he saw Clint raising his eyebrows in amusement.

The archer smirked and then said: “But yeah, I saw that there was quite some tension between them. I hope they attain happiness.”

“But hopefully not so soon. I don’t want to two of my five surgeons only seeing things through rose-coloured glasses.” Bucky laughed and then yawned.

“Well… point made.”

 

Clint and Bucky spent the next few days exploring the Palace, the city and the surrounding land and had quite some fun as T’Challa suggested to train outside together. Meanwhile the hallways were constantly filled with laughter, loud bangs, colourful lightnings and screams coming from the combat training room where the sorcerers tested how they and their powers got along.

During every dinner the others got a sample of what Stephen, Wanda and Loki had achieved that day – which unluckily lead to some broken dishes and Tony almost getting stabbed by a fork that ‘accidentally’  shot out of one of Loki’s portals right next to Tony’s left ear being only stopped by Stephens Cloak in the last nick of time. Clint was convinced the glare Tony gave Loki would have burnt every human being immediately lock, stock and barrel. Luckily, they were a god.

And this god smirked their way through the whole evening. Rumours said it was because they and Stephen had quite some fun last night, and since there was always a little bit of truth in every rumour it probably happened exactly like that. Bucky was glad no one really seemed to think about the actual reason they all gathered together, and in some moments, he was able to push away his worries, but they never really lasted long. Clint on the other hand was afraid Bucky may feel overlooked by all the joy but as he watched narrowly, he could see that the upcoming surgery was very present in the back of everyone’s mind.

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