when you're not by my side?
They stared at each other for a few moments, not believing their eyes, "Ava", Beatrice breathed out, she was the first one to react, running to hug the person she missed the most, the taller woman hugged her tightly, crying, wanting to feel the most of the other girl, wanting to know she was really there, that it wasn't her imagination, that this moment, the woman she was holding so close to her, was real; Ava didn't move, she didn't hug her back, she stood still, there were tears on her eyes that she was trying to keep inside, her hands moved a little, she wanted to hug her back, she wanted to cry and scream and enjoy the feeling, but something deep inside of her mind was yelling at her, telling her to pull away, it was reminding her of the situation, the dangers, the threats that existed, reminding her of the pain the woman she loves so much went through after she left, all the tears, yelling, screaming, anger, grief, that the woman in front of her felt al the time she was gone. She didn't want her to feel like that ever again.
The shorter woman pulled away slowly, extracting the most she could out of the short interaction, she turned to look at Camila, who didn't understand what had happened, "Let's go", she said, before walking inside the chapel, right to the office where she had spent so many nights in, Beatrice just stood there, tears falling to the floor easily, she didn't understand what had happened, she stared blankly at nothing, questioning everything, she knew Ava loved her, but if Ava loved her, why did she act so cold? Beatrice thought Ava would be happy to see her, just like she was to see Ava, but that turned out to be a mistake, her mind was slowly filling with bad thoughts, everything in her wanted to think that Ava had a reason to be like this, but a small part, a part that Beatrice had tried to hide away, lock in a cage so she wouldn't hear it, feel it, anymore, was telling her what she used to think before she met Ava. She kept crying, the tears that started from happiness were now pure pain, Camila took her hand softly, bringing her back to reality, the taller woman looked at her, blinking the tears away, collecting herself, "Come on Bea, let's go inside", she said in a soft tone.
They walked inside, going to Mother Superion's office, inside, were Mother Superion, Yasmine, Lilith and Ava, who was ignoring everyone, focused on the wall that had all the information they had so far, the older nun approached Beatrice to hug her, nun or not, she was still her girl, after greeting everyone, Beatrice looked at Ava for a few moments before taking out her phone and hand it to Mother Superion, "There have been many possessions lately, those are some of the ones I found, they have been getting stronger, smarter, faster, it was hard for me to defeat a few of them", she said after everyone saw the video including Ava, who saw many more things in Beatrice's phone, like all the photos Beatrice had taken of the sun or yellow flowers, and places Ava knew from back in the Alps, she couldn't help the pain she felt in her chest, she wanted to hug her and yell how much she loves her, but every time she thinks about doing it, the memories from her pain come back, making her stay still, not doing anything.
"So the demons have gotten stronger, this is not good, but, why aren't they here?", Mother Superion asked, looking at a map of Spain to localize where Beatrice had found the possessed people, "I suppose they'll be arriving soon", answered Camila, also looking at the map; "Ava, didn't you write something about natural arcs appearing around the world?", questioned Lilith, looking for the paper that had that information, she took it and out it on top of the map, "There, natural arcs to another realm, this must be it", said Lilith, looking back at the map, "Then, it'll be a matter of time before they get here, or an arc appears near here", said Yasmine, a little scared of the whole situation, "Are they coming from the North?", questions Ava, "Maybe, maybe not, it's possible that they don't have a pattern and they simply appear", answers Beatrice, who noticed this was the first time they spoke to each other, well kind of, "Ava, you figured out something else?", questioned Lilith, looking at the Halo bearer, "She didn't mention what sides there were in this war, but she said that they were the biggest powers that exist", she answered, Mother Superion stayed silent for a few moments, "Then this won't be just good and evil, there will be something much bigger", she mentioned, a hint of fear in her voice, "So if it's not good and evil, why are stronger demons appearing?", asked Yasmine, looking a bit confused by all the sudden information there was, "Because they can, they have an open door, they will take the chance", mentioned Beatrice, starting to pace around the room, thinking.
"Now that we know things are getting bad and that the arcs are starting to appear already, let's focus on something else, Ava had a chat with Reya in her dreams, that's how we found out about this arc stuff, but she mentioned something, Reya wasn't in her realm, she was somewhere else, where time goes much slower", said Lilith, looking at Ava, "She didn't mention anything about it, but she was definitely somewhere else, she also said she didn't have much time, like someone was waiting for her or something like that", added Ava, Beatrice stopped walking and looked at her, "Could it be possible that you dreamt with Heaven?", questioned Beatrice, knowing she was sounding stupid. "What do you mean?", asked Ava, Beatrice tried her best to not smile, it was the first time Ava had spoken directly to her, "Think about it, you know how powerful she is, I doubt there are more powerful people, if she was somewhere else, where time goes slower, maybe you saw her being in Heaven", she answered, Camila cut off Ava before she could ask, "What would time have to do with Heaven?", she asked, looking around, waiting for someone, anyone, to answer her question, "People say that in Heaven, people become a younger version of themselves, as if they went back to the past, they don't age, as if time didn't move, so it goes slower", responded Mother Superion as she got up and walked towards Ava, "Did you see anyone?", she asked, Ava shook her head, "There was no one else but us", she informed, leaning against the wall. They didn't have much more information, but they were happy with what they found out.
Now they knew about the arcs appearing on the North, that the demons weren't meant to be there but they managed to escape, and also that they were worse than the ones they knew, that the powers, or sides, of the war, were the biggest there existed, and that Ava probably saw Heaven, which meant, God probably now knew about her. It wasn't much progress, but it was better than nothing; they put the map on the wall and put small dots on the places where there were probably arcs, which was the whole North of Spain, but they didn't deny the possibility of them being in more countries, by the time they were done talking and writing the information in a more organized way, it was sundown, Mother Superion offered Beatrice to spend the night there, both women were in a room that was available and started to talk; "You know, you can be like Mary, not a nun, not taking the training of one, not being forced to act like one, but helping on missions", she offered, sitting on a chair as Beatrice sat on the bed, "I'm not sure Ava would like that", she answered, pain immediately made its presence in Beatrice's heart, who tried to hide it with a smile, "We wanted to tell you, but she didn't want to and we had to respect her decision", the older woman explained, Beatrice nodded and wiped off the tears that were about to fall, "How long ago?", the taller woman questioned in a whisper, the nun sighed, "Almost four weeks", she answered as she sat next to the younger woman, putting her hand on her shoulder, "Whatever her reasons were, I'm sure she meant well, she loves you", she reassured, Beatrice chuckled and got up, "I think I need a walk, if that's okay", she said as she left the room, not really waiting for an answer.
She walked until she was outside, there was no one else out, so she could wonder the whole place without problems, she went to the secret entrance and sat on one of the steps and took a deep breathe before taking out her phone and watching the sunset photos she had, she missed the sundown of that day, which upset her even more, seeing the photos of the sun made her feel worse, for this whole time, every day, she took a picture of the sunrise and sundown she saw, in every single one of them, she saw a glimpse of Ava. Ava. All her thoughts were about Ava, she couldn't help but question if she did something wrong, she tried to do what Ava told her, to live, she really tried to, she didn't get why Ava would be mad at her, she tried to think of what she could've done to make her mad, but she couldn't think of anything, and then, that memory came, when Ava left, her heart ached by the memory, her words filled her mind, ignoring everything around her, "I love you", over and over again, she smiled at those words, just to have her smile disappearing once she remembered that Ava never heard her saying it back, maybe she was mad about that, whatever it was, Beatrice wanted to fix it. She got up and once more started to walk around the place, after a few minutes, she found Ava looking at the sky, she hesitated, but eventually, she walked towards her.
"Ava", she called, the Halo bearer didn't look at her, she kept her head up, looking at the sky, "Did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me?", she questioned, tears already appearing on the corner of her eyes, Ava looked down, but she didn't turn back to face her, she just shook her head. Beatrice thought Ava was mad. Truth was, Ava knew she couldn't open her mouth without letting a sob escape, she was already crying, she could feel Beatrice's pain and there was no one to blame but her, she took a deep breathe and tried to blink her tears away, which was useless, because more tears were coming. "Ava!", Beatrice called once more, she didn't like yelling to Ava, but she wanted answers, she wanted to know why she was being like this. At the sudden scream, Camila went outside, finding both woman, she knew what was going on, which is why she left the place quietly, Beatrice looked back at Ava and with a sob she said it, "I love you".
Ava shook her head and tried to hold in the sob that was about to escape, "Don't say that", she said in a whisper, she couldn't talk louder or the words wouldn't come out because of the knot in her throat that didn't allow her to talk, Beatrice looked around, frustrated, mad, hurt, she didn't know what to say, she wanted to ask Ava why was she being like this, but at the same time she just wanted to hug her and kiss her and feel her close. "You arrived four weeks ago! And you didn't even tell me! You can't leave saying that you love me just to come back to avoid me, Ava, it's not fair! You know how much I've missed you? How many nights I spent thinking about you until I fell asleep? All the tears I cri-", she was cut off by a sob from Ava, who turned around to face her, "You think I don't know that? I saw you! Every day I fucking saw you! I saw how hurt you were, and how you listened to me and moved on! I saw how you slowly started to enjoy your life! I didn't want to take that from you! I- I-", she couldn't talk anymore, the knot in her throat was impossibly bigger, she took a few deep breathes until she was able to form words again. "I wanted you to live your life! My plan was to fix this fucking problem and stay alive, and then I would go see you! Knowing that we wouldn't have to worry about anything else! Knowing that- I wouldn't have the fear of leaving again, and you wouldn't have to worry about me leaving, or- or dying", she kept explaining. Every word was harder to say than the word before.
"I saw you from the moment you woke up to the moment you went to sleep, how you made your morning coffee before going to your job, how happy you were teaching kids, and how much you enjoyed the classes with the adults so you could fight for real, every time that you got lost in thoughts when it was sunrise or sundown, I saw how much you enjoy the stars, and how you bought every single flower you saw in the street that you thought was pretty. When you went out for walks in the early morning or late night because there were less people, when you went to the aquarium, or the movies, God, you would even dance sometimes in your apartment! You actually were fucking enjoying life! I didn't- I didn't want to drag you back here, to all this problem, I didn't want you giving up on the life you had", she kept going, tears now falling, without any intention of holding them back. Beatrice couldn't say anything, she didn't know what to say, Ava looked up at her, right into her eyes, "I wanted to fix this, so I could know that this time I was going to stay alive, so I didn't hurt you again by leaving", she managed to finish between sobs and deep breathes, Beatrice stepped closer to her, just a few inches away, she caressed Ava's cheeks with her hands before leaning in, kissing her.
The kiss was everything they wanted, if felt magical, soft, full of love, happiness, dreams, it was exactly what they needed, what they wanted and wished, when they pulled away, Beatrice kissed Ava's forehead, "Let me help you, Ava", she said, Ava just looked up to her again, their eyes meeting, "I said I would be with you, every step of the way, remember?", she questioned, looking at Ava with eyes filled with love, the younger girl nodded, smiling a little, "I wanted you to live a normal life", she said, once again in a soft whisper, barely audible, the taller woman chuckled and kissed her nose gently, "I prefer this crazy life with you, than a boring life where you're not by my side", she answered, still holding Ava's head between her hands, Ava chuckled and leaned more into her hands, "I love you, I love you, I love you", said Ava, again and again, Beatrice understood, Ava was apologizing, an I love you meant many things, in this case, it was I'm sorry. Beatrice simply hugged Ava and kissed her face lovingly, and suddenly, as if all her tiredness had pilled up, she started to fall asleep.
Beatrice felt this, so she picked her up, Ava's legs around Beatrice's waist, and her arms around her neck, Beatrice was holding Ava with a hand on her legs and on her back, Ava, like usual, hid her face in her special and personal spot, the crook of Beatrice's neck, the taller woman couldn't help but smile, she missed the feeling of Ava being there. She started to walk inside Cat's Cradle, going straight to the room she was going to sleep in, as soon as Beatrice entered the room, she tried to put Ava into bed, but the Halo bearer just hugged her tightly, slightly chocking her with her arms, the good thing about that room, was the big rocking chair they had storage there since that room hadn't been used in a few months, Beatrice sat slowly, carefully adjusting Ava so she could keep sleeping cozy, she started to rock back and forth, the position wasn't comfortable, at all, but she didn't care, because she was holding the girl she loved the most in the whole world.
"I love you, darling", she said softly, she didn't mind if Ava heard it or not, she would make sure to tell her that everyday, to her surprise, Ava moved a little, getting more comfy in their positions, so she managed to hear Beatrice, "I love you too, Bea", she said, her tone sleepy, soft, gentle, the taller woman couldn't help but smile even more and kiss her head, holding her even tighter than before.
Beatrice didn't know what would happen, she didn't even know if she would accept Mother Superion's offer, she didn't know in how much danger they were, or how to fix what was happing and avoid what would happen, but if she learnt something from Ava, it was that sometimes, you just have to live in the moment, and not worry about the next day until it is the next day, to ignore everything else and focus on what was happening and with who, and in that moment, only Beatrice and Ava existed, there were no demons, not holy power, only two women in love, who deserved at least some hours of sleep.
For the first time in months, they could sleep without the fear of waking up to an empty space by their side.