Peter had been struggling but he didn’t want to worry anyone so he tried to keep up this facade he had created. He kept hanging out with Ned and MJ. He went to the tower to work with Tony every Saturday and ate dinner with May when she was home. As long as he kept up that he was okay no one would notice, right? They wouldn't notice how he also started wearing long sleeves to cover the cuts covering his arms and thighs, or how he was staying out on patrol all night barely getting any sleep, or how he stopped paying attention in class so his grades were failing They wouldn’t notice as long as he gave his best smile and acted okay. They wouldn't care if he wasn't any way or so he thought.
It was four in the morning when Peter got in from patrol. He only had a few hours until he had to go to school so he decided he wasn't going to sleep, he would stay up. He couldn’t have nightmares if he was asleep anyway. He went to the bathroom and stared in the mirror looking at how horrible he looked. He was pale with dark bags hanging from under his eyes.
He wondered how no one had noticed. But before he could think of a reason.
“They don’t care, that's why.”
His thoughts answered before he could think it through but he had to agree they would have noticed if they cared, right? He walked into his room to grab the razor blade from in his backpack and sat on his bed.
“What are you waiting for? You know you want to.”
The voice was right; he did want to what was a few more anyway.
He slid the blade across his shoulder over and over again until the blood was running down his arm. He wasn't worried though because of his advanced healing they would probably be healed in a week anyway. He put the blade down satisfied with the pain and began to clean and wrap his arm before throwing on a shirt and grabbing his bag and heading out through his window to sit on the roof until he had to go to school.
He always loved heights, how they looked over everything and how easy it would be to just slip off into the dark concrete below. He knew he shouldn’t think like that but he couldn’t help it; it just seemed so peaceful to him. A slip then a fall and then boom and it's over. No more pretending, no more nights spent crying on his bathroom floor in a booze-soaked haze, but he couldn't. He didn't want to do that to Aunt May or Ned and MJ or even Mr. Stark. But he knew that they would move on quickly Ned and MJ had each other, Mr. Stark probably wouldn’t even care that much. He only worried about May but she would move on right?
His phone alarm pulled him from his thoughts reminding him he needed to head to school.
That day at school Ned asked Peter if he was having a party for his upcoming 16th birthday, Peter hadn’t put much thought to it, he hadn’t really thought he’d make it to then but he didn’t want to seem that way so he agreed to have a small party the next weekend.
“You okay you don't seem that excited about your party?” Ned asked with a hint of concern in his voice.
And for a moment Peter thought about letting his mask fall, letting his friend know how he really feels telling him about the sleepless nights, the blood-covered arms or any of the other shit he was going through. But he didn’t and he wouldn't. He wouldn’t put that on anyone else; it was his to bear.
“Yeah, I'm okay. I just didn’t get much sleep last night so I'm kinda tired but I'm really excited!” Peter said, flashing a fake smile that Ned seemed to believe as he dropped the topic and moved on to the newest Star Wars lego set he was working on.
It was a Friday so he was supposed to get picked up by Happy to go to the tower to work with Tony in the lab. He didn’t want to but he knew if he didn’t Tony would ask a million questions and he didn’t want to deal with that either. So when school let out he got in Happy’s car though he didn’t do his usual chatter but he hoped that Happy wouldn't notice. When they got there he made his way to the lab and Tony greeted him as he entered.
“Hey kid, how was school?” Tony asked not looking up from what he was working on.
“It’s great Ned and MJ want to have a party for my birthday but I don’t want anything big but you know how Ned can be.” He replied, trying to make small talk as to seem normal.
“He’s right you do only turn 16 once. You should let me help, I'm great at parties.” Tony said with a grin that made Peter regret telling him about the party as he knew he wasn’t going to let it be a ‘little thing’ now.
“I’m serious. I don't like big things plus I don't even have that many friends.” He said trying to discourage whatever Tony was thinking of.
“So when is this party?” Tony asked fake innocently.
“Next weekend but don't get any ideas.” He said with a laugh not trying to seem serious.
“I’m not, I was just asking, swear.” Tony said, crossing his fingers during the last part.
The rest of the evening went smoothly and when Peter was dropped off at his apartment he crashed from sheer exhaustion. Even an enhanced person can’t go seventy-two hours without sleep without crashing.
The next week was basically the same as the others which included Peter staying high as long as he could, but to his dismay his enhancement meant he sobered up quickly, too quickly for Peters's liking. As the weekend approached he thought more and more about how easy it would be to just not continue. A gun would probably work best but he imagined himself falling off a building or bleeding out until he slipped into death's arms. He tried to not think about it but he couldn't stop. He swore to himself that he’d make it through this weekend before doing anything though, not for his sake but for the sake of his friends and family.
It was Saturday and He had gotten to MJ's house, which is where they were hosting his party as her parents were okay with it and it was much more spacious than his apartment. When he walked in he saw a lot more people than he was expecting. ‘Mr. Stark thought to himself before going to find Ned. When he found him Ned had already started drinking and he was trying to convince Peter to as well. Unknown to Ned that Peter had been drinking all week so it didn’t take much convincing.
Everyone seemed to be having a great time and Peter was trying to keep appearances but he couldn’t stop thinking of the loaded gun sitting under his mattress waiting for him.
“ Just a few more days then it's over.”
Peter thought as he sat there with the image of the gun not leaving his head. As he pretended to have fun.Just trying to make it through the night.
It was the following Monday and Peter decided he wasn't going to go to class that day and if May got upset he’d tell her he was sick or something he just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t pretend all day when he really wanted to find the nearest building and jump and just be done but instead he spent the day in a weed-induced high as it was one of the only things keeping him from going through with his desires.
Ned called him that afternoon to ask why he wasn’t in class.
“Hey Peter what's going on with you? You seemed miserable at your part and now you're not showing up to class, I'm worried about you man.” Ned asked, trying to help his friend.
“Nothings going on. I think I just came down with something, I'm not feeling too well.” He responded hoping to get Ned off his back.
“Are you sure you always seem to be acting sorta sad lately?” Ned pressured him for the truth but he wasn't going to give in that easily and have someone ruin his plans.
“I'm sure Ned now I'm going to go so I can get some rest because as I told you I don't feel good.” He said hanging up before Ned had time to respond.
Peter had put on his suit and grabbed his bag filled with a bottle of booze, a notebook, and a razor before swinging to the tallest building he could find near him. It was six-fourteen and he had written out letters to May and Ned and Mj, Happy and Mr. Stark that was one of the hardest to write because he didn’t know how to describe him. But that was over, now all that was left was to actually do it. His phone was next to him ringing but he could barely hear a sound and couldn't feel a thing.
Karen had alerted Tony that Peter was sitting on the edge of a building heavily intoxicated with multiple injuries. Tony immediately tried to call him but Peter wasn't picking up which only made his heart beat faster as he got in his suit flying towards his location as fast as he could.
Now it was six-fifteen and he was on his knees blood was running down his sleeves as his lungs stopped breathing.
Tony was notified again that Peter had stopped breathing, Tony was going as fast as he could he had already had Friday alert police but he knew he would be there long before they would, but now he wasn’t sure if he’d even make it in time to save him.
It was six-twenty three when Tony arrived and he fell to his knees when he saw Peter laying there all he could do was beg to a god he didn’t believe in to make him breathe as he started CPR.
He continued to do CPR until the paramedics pulled him away because he couldn't face the fact that Peter Parker was dead. His Peter was gone and now he had to call his aunt and explain to her something he couldn't even comprehend himself.
Tony followed the ambulance to the hospital calling May on the way
“Tony? Why are you calling me, is something wrong?” She asked with worry thick in her voice.
“ Yes somethings wrong, Its Peter he- he killed himself. I sent Happy to get you to bring you to the hospital.” Tony struggled to speak through tears.
He heard her start to sob over the phone as he reached the hospital.
“Okay-okay we are on our way now. I'll see you when I get there.” May struggled to get out while still trying to remain strong.
Tony starts to hyperventilate as he sees the paramedics roll Peter’s body into the hospital. He tries to go to him but he is stopped. He couldn’t understand how he could have missed the signs and how he was really gone. He quit fighting the security guard holding him back and tried to think clearly so he could be strong for May once she got there. He was trying to collect himself when he saw May and Happy running towards him.
“May I am so sorry, I tried to save him.” Tony stumbled over his words.
May froze as she saw that Tony was covered in blood that she only could assume was Peter’s.
May didn't say anything; she just silently sobbed as they entered the hospital.
They all sat in the waiting room for a doctor to come out and confirm what they already knew for what felt like hours. But when they saw the doctor they all had some unrealistic hope that maybe they saved him.
“I'm so sorry for your loss.” The doctor said sympathetically.
“The paramedics recovered a bag from the scene that we thought you would want to keep.” she added before handing May the bag and walking away.
“How could he do this?” She asked as she sobbed opening the bag to reveal the letters she gave the two men next to her the ones with their names on them before opening the one addressed to herself. It read
“ Dear Aunt May,
I'm sorry that I did this but I couldn’t handle feeling this way anymore. I just needed to end this mind-shattering numbness and I tried everything so I had to do something more permanent.
I loved you. I hope you know that and that there was nothing you could have done to stop me. I was gone long before I died. I hope you move on and that you know how much I loved you.
~Love Peter.”
She could barely finish reading it through the tears in her eyes she blamed herself just like the other two people sitting next to her.
The world had lost its Spiderman but the people in that hospital had lost their Peter and even if he didn’t think so they would never be the same again.