Unburdened

            It took a few hours for Loki to head the concussion. The entire time he wondered if you could still hear his thoughts while you slept soundly in his lap. They were logical and boring thoughts, but still, he wondered if you were listening. He was inquisitive, thinking about what could have caused this ability, why you were tucked away from humanity like he was, and why on earth you were so clumsy. When you walked so confidently only to fall flat on your face, it took all his strength to not laugh as he helped you up. The god, mischievous as he was, hoped he could keep you on your feet from now on. This wasn’t exactly a routine he wanted to keep in practice. Besides, he couldn’t have his only form of entertainment out here constantly in agony. They still needed to figure out what had happened with the dream last night. His face fell as he recalled what happened.

An idea planted itself in his head. Loki could easily just slip into your memories, pull what he wanted to the front, and rummage through your head until he found it. He had done the same to Valkyrie on Sakaar. Get in, what was causing this ability, and get out. Simple. Practical really, he wouldn’t be rifling through your thoughts to torture you or anything, just searching for answers you both needed. Though you might wake up or realize what he was doing thanks to this mind-reading ability. He hesitated; it did feel a bit wrong. If he was doing this for the both of you, was it betraying your newly found trust? Perhaps if this was selfish, or just to be spiteful for your intrusion into his own mind, then maybe it would be wrong. This was as much for you as it was for him.  

With you still asleep, and your concussion healed, Loki concentrated on the spell and quickly shifted into your mind. Images flashed before him, a collection of sunsets and laughter and songs playing on repeat. He watched your mother’s smile, candles going out on a cake, jokes with friends, and storm clouds that rolled across the horizon. Your life seemed so joyful. What could possibly have brought you here alone? It wasn’t what he was looking for, he reminded himself. Though what he was looking for hadn’t come to the surface yet, everything seemed so normal. Loki dove deeper, seeking out abnormalities. Late night drives with the music blaring, glow in the dark stars stuck to the ceiling, all the small pieces of your life drifting past his eyes. He smirked at the sheer number of times you walked straight into a closed door, a wall, a cabinet. Countless bruises and cuts, but each came with a moment where you lived life without worry. You seemed so closed off now than you did in these memories, and Loki longed to understand why. He noted all your hobbies, your family gatherings, your travels-

Wait, I know that place.

Loki stopped, watching the memory play out when a large building with grand arches came into view. It connected in a curve to a few other buildings, with a tall tower ascending towards the sky. A banner hung from one of the arches, but it was too far to read. The streets were crowded, and Emilia was stopped in the crowd as she left a café, another woman gave up hailing a taxi and returned to her side. It was when the screaming started that Loki finally remembered. This was Stuttgart, Germany. Where he, under Thanos’ direction, committed his first transgression against humanity, and fought the Avengers for the first time.

His concentration began to buckle as worry took over his mind. Focusing on you, he let the memory continue. As the crowd ran down the street, Loki saw himself exit the building, his armor and scepter materializing.

I was so arrogant. Whether the actions were truly my own or not, I relished in the reaction they caused. Wait, the scepter, was it-

A blue blast shot towards a police car, enveloping it, energy splashing off in all directions, including behind a bus where you and several others were taking cover. Loki watched as you flew backward, landing hard on your back. A soft blue glow overtook your irises for a moment as you landed, before your head smacked against the concrete and your eyes faded back to their natural hue. The memory faded to black.

It’s my fault. I terrorized those people and made Emelia what she is, I exposed her to the mind stone. I’m no better than the Strucker that Thor had spoken of, impacting my will on others carelessly. It is possible that the power lay dormant, of course, she wouldn’t remember the impact with how hard she hit her head. Emilia was really concussion prone, wasn’t she? At least I found answers, I can explain everything to her, and perhaps if I apologize, she won’t hate me for the intrusion. Maybe I can help her, she may be able to control it?

Loki shook off the weight that held his shoulders down, just as another memory expanded in his vision. One he wasn’t searching for, he had already stopped the spell, but recognized he was still in your mind. He tried to pull away, to release the vision to no avail.

The god was by your side, sitting in the passenger seat of a small car. The leather seats were barely visible with the mountain of luggage in the back seat. The wind made your hair a tornado, whipping around your head. You sang at the top of your lungs, occasionally tossing your head back.

Hm, not quite a safe driver either, no wonder she is hurt so often.

            “Oh yeah, got that silvertongue,” you sang along with the music. “Drives you into delirium, got got that silver, got that silver tongue yeah! Woahhh.”

            Loki smirked, it was cute how you acted when nobody was watching. You seemed so free, so happy.

            “I’m addicted to madness but what can I say! I’m addicted to madness but what can I do!” All but shouting, you continued to sing along as you drove through the suburbs.

            The moment felt so natural that the god had almost forgotten he was watching the past. That you weren’t sitting by his side like this, he was stuck in your memories and had no way out. Or was it a dream? Was he trapped in your dream now as you were in his previously? If so, this was more than just an effect of the mind stone, this was a link. Your minds linked together by the stone and triggered by Loki’s magic, perhaps. He pondered as he watched house after house pass by in the window, each manicured lawn boring him further. This place was nowhere near as elegant as Asgard, and the gardens looked pitiful. At least he was stuck in a cheerful dream.

            The car slowed, turning into a short driveway before stopping. You hopped out of the car, the slam of the door bringing the god’s focus back to you. He stepped out to see a woman wrapping her arms around you, he had seen her before, your mother. Your siblings ran outside and joined the hug. As you turned back to the car, it looked as if you were looking him in the eyes, a smile stretching across your cheeks and a bounce in your step. When that step went straight through him his heart sank. This was not like his dream where the two of you interacted. His suspicions grew.

            Loki followed you throughout the memory. From coming inside, to cooking with your family, and sitting for a meal, time was a blur to him. He lurked in the corner of whatever room you were in, watching, listening, looking for a way out. Your family was seated at a small table, chatting away.

            “I’m so glad you came home for spring break, sweetie,” your mother smiled as she took another bite.

            “I missed you guys, its hard being so far away. Especially from you!” You turned to your youngest sibling and pinched her cheek.

            “You’re only three hours away, that’s not that bad,” the teenager chimed in with his mouth full. “Besides, you like the drive anyway.”

            “You’re not wrong,” you laughed before returning to your food.

            “How was this semester? You only have one more before you graduate right?” Your mother asked.

            You gulped, “Um, it was ok,” the look on your face showed it was the opposite.

            She’s lying through her teeth, and she says I’m the one with the terrible, what did she call it, poke her face?

            Your mother looked up from her plate, her mouth a hard line and eyebrows raised. “Em, you’re hiding something, what’s going on?”

            “Mom, I don’t want to talk about it-”

            “Is it something about Josh? Did you two break up?”

            Josh? A hint of jealousy tinted Loki’s thoughts.

            “What? No, I, I mean yeah we broke up but that’s not-”

            Phew. Why he felt relieved, he wasn’t sure.

            She cut you off again, “Then what is it? You know how I feel about you keeping things from me.”

            “I failed a class,” you spoke quickly and quietly.

            “You what?” She pressed further, demanding an answer.

            “I failed,” you spoke louder, gritting your teeth. “It’s gonna take an extra semester to graduate, the class is full next term so I can’t take care of it until fall.”

            “How did you fail? Did I not raise you to take school seriously? What were you doing? Off partying all night and wasting the money I paid for your tuition?” Her voice rose as she stood, the chair scraping across the ground. “How could you be so irresponsible? You’re the eldest, you need to set an example for your siblings.”

            Your siblings locked their gazes on their plates, unwilling to look into your eyes. Loki approached your mother, anger fueling him. How dare she speak to you that way? Your memories had shown all the love in the world for your family but seeing her treat you this way had him question how you could love her. He felt the same rage as the day he confronted Odin about the effect the casket had on him. Loki reached for her arm, but as his hand went through her, his fury burned brighter.

            “Mom, I wasn’t partying, you know how much college means to me. It’s just that this class was really difficult, I just have to retake it and then I’ll graduate.”

            “And who do you think will pay for that? You know we barely had enough to send you at all,” her own anger rose, blinded by the setback. “And if you fail again? How will you fix it then? I can’t fix your mistakes forever. You’re better than this.”

            “I’m trying my best! Why am I never good enough for you?!” You shouted, rising from your seat and rushing out of the room.

            Loki rushed after you, scoffing at the argument. How could she have not seen that you were upset about this? It was clear you cared about your education and had a plan ready. The god couldn’t understand why she had reacted in such a way.

            You paced up and down the hallway, tears welling up in your eyes. You bit your lip, failing to hold back the tears. Loki wished more than anything that he could comfort you. Whatever this was, not being able to interact with you was torture, yet he hoped this was just a nightmare and not a memory. He stood in the doorway as you walked back towards the dining room, deep slow breaths calming you down. You walked through him once again, and he squeezed his eyes shut, bracing himself for the shouting to begin again. You had stopped just past him, leaving you both back to back. He held still, this was the closest he felt since this started, that was until he heard a small gasp from you, followed by a broken sob.

            “Mom? Devin? Charlie? Guys?”

            Loki spun on his heel, looking over your shoulder. Smoky ash floated about the table, crumbling to the floor. His eyes went wide. This was what Thanos had been talking about, his great plan to balance the universe. Half of all life was extinguished, and Loki was too busy sulking in self-pity to realize the Titan had done it. This was his fault, if Thanos had succeeded it meant that the Avengers lost. They would’ve fought him, tried to stop him, but without Thor? If Loki hadn’t left him behind to die maybe they could have won, saved half the world once again. His shoulders crumbled forward, guilt weighed him down. In this moment he believed more than anything that this was entirely his fault. Everything seemed to be his fault. He was right to leave his people behind, what kind of king could he be when all he brought was anguish? He hated himself. Loki stared as you ran to the table, grabbing at the ash as if it would do anything helpful. Your sobs echoed in the room, anguish filling the space and invading Loki’s chest. Your pain was so visceral that he could feel it in his bones.

            The god’s eyes shot open as you sat up quickly from your place in his lap. You wiped furiously at the tears streaming down your face. He pushed away all the sorrow in his own heart, putting up his walls once again in order to protect you from his dark thoughts. He couldn’t let you know that your family was dead because of him. Your ability was one thing, but explaining that he let an Avenger die and that’s why half the population of the universe was dead? He would rather face Thanos again than tell you the truth. Loki gripped your wrists gently, bringing you back against his chest. He held you close, shushing you and whispering affirmations that you were safe, that everything was ok.

            “Fuck these nightmares,” you hiccupped between shaky breaths.

            “I did say something might happen; I didn’t expect to be trapped, however.”

            “You, you saw that?”

            Loki nodded solemnly, “I’m sorry. About everything, the argument, losing them, I’m sorry.” He sighed, “I understand what it’s like, losing everyone.”

            You looked down, at least you’d never have to tell him the story.

            “Is that why you’re here? In Norway?”

            “Yeah,” you nodded, “I couldn’t handle being in that house anymore. I tried to finish school, to go back to normal, but I couldn't. The Blip was the end for a lot of people, whether they survived or were dusted.”

            “The Blip?” The god questioned, a single brow raised. “You Midgardians couldn’t have at least come up with a better name? Perhaps something more, oh I don’t know, somber?”

            You huffed, wiping away another tear with your sleeve, he was definitely trying to cheer you up. “You try saying The Great Extinction over and over. I would’ve left a lot sooner if we called it that.”

            “How long has it been?”

            A brow quirked up, how did he not know? “It’s been a few months. Did- did you not see anyone get dusted? The world was chaos when it happened. The news kept showing cars crashing and even some news anchors dusted in the middle of the report.”

            Loki shook his head, “No, I was unaware he had succeeded. I had secluded myself shortly after escaping.”

            “Escaping? Did you fight Thanos?”

            He scoffed, “More like ran away from.” Loki hung his head, “Thanos had come to our ship as we fled Asgard, he was looking for the Tesseract.”

            “The tesser-what?”

            “Tesseract, sorry, the space stone. One of the Infinity Stones I had mentioned. I had brought it with me, and he needed it for his plan. I managed to escape, but he thinks I’m dead.”

            “Well he’s dead now, so you don’t have to worry. They announced it in a press conference, but it didn’t do much good since it didn’t bring everyone back.”

            “Shame, I would’ve liked to kill him myself. I owe him a dagger to the throat.”

            “Is that always your go to move?” You questioned, motioning to your own neck. “There’s no way I pissed you off as much as that genocidal maniac.”

            Loki smirked, “No, but you did vex me.” He looked away for a moment, “Are you alright?”

            You nodded, it was half true at least.

            “I have news then, and please trust me as I explain this.”

            You looked at him skeptically, one brow raised as you motioned for him to continue.

            “Yes, well,” he started, his thoughts scattered and clumsy as he tried to piece the information together. “I believe that I know what has caused your ability to reach into others minds and pull them into your own, Emilia you were indeed exposed to the mind stone.”

            “What?” You interrogated, confusion and suspicion coating each question. “And how do you know that? When and how was I in contact with a fucking space rock?”

            “Mind stone-”

            “Whatever.”

            “I found an event in your memories. You were in Germany in 2012, yes?”

            “Yeah, and I swear to God if you say I was experimented on by HYDRA, or whatever their name was, and they wiped my memory I’m gonna lose my shit.”

            “Gods, plura—”

            “WHAT. EVER.”

            Loki sighed, running his hand through his tousled waves. “It’s not as grand, but far more disappointing. It was my fault. I exposed you to the mind stone.”

            “You what? That’s impossible, you were in New York with that glow stick and aliens, and I’ve never even been there.” You replied bluntly, refusing to believe him.

            “I was also in Germany, before the attack on New York. Remember the eye stealing incident? You berated me for it the day we met. I saw in the memory that when I used the scepter on a vehicle, some of the energy transferred to you and a few others that were in the wrong place at the wrong time,” he paused, taking in the shock on your face. “You were thrown back by the blast and hit your head, but the bright blue in your eyes was clear as day. It was dispatched by the impact, but I believe a connection was formed in the same manner as those I created with Barton and Selvig.”

            “So that’s why nothing happened until you were with me?”

            Loki looked into your eyes, his forlorn expression meant more than his words, “I believe using magic on you reignited the connection. I deeply regret what I have caused, and I apologize for searching your mind for the answer to our dilemma without your knowledge.”

            “I was wondering when we could get to that, why did you think it was ok to go through my head like that? Didn’t you consider that there might be things I wouldn’t want you to see?” You huffed, anger threatening to spill more tears down your cheek. “You know, like how my family died? Or whatever the hell else you saw?”

            Loki’s gaze fell to the floor again, “I had considered it, but decided that this was important enough to outweigh the detriments. Additionally, I did not intend to see what happened to your family, I believe you somehow kept me there the same way you had kept yourself in my nightmare. That said, I am sorry for how they treated you in their last moments. I am sorry for what I’ve done, but know that I did this with the best of intentions.”

 His hand reached to rest on yours, and oddly enough, the sentiment felt real, and you resisted the urge to push him away. You held everyone at arm’s length when you were hurting, but for once the company felt better than being alone. Loki just saw one of your worst moments, and he didn’t run away. Maybe you could be vulnerable with him and still be safe at the same time. He was proving that he was trustworthy, scouring your mind wasn’t the best thing he had done so far, but it still beats having a knife to your throat. Your other hand rested on top of his as you lifted your gaze to his eyes.

“I believe you, and I’m glad you figured out our mystery,” your voice was quiet, but firm, trying desperately to keep from wavering and showing your emotions. This whole day had felt like a tidal wave, and your emotional capacity was about the size of a Dixie Cup. You put on a smirk, hiding the quiver in your lip, “Loki, don’t ever do that again without my permission.”

Your stern look pinned him in place. He lifted his hands in defense, “I could say the same to you. You’ve been in my head just as many times, I’d call us even.”

He was right, you had heard his thoughts, but it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t like you could control it. Your brows knit together, could you control it? It hadn’t started until you were in contact with Loki, but maybe there was a way to fix it.

“Even then. Loki, you have more experience with the uh, mind stone thing, can you fix this?”

He shook his head, “I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”

“Then I learn to control it at least,” you stated with a nod, “to even the playing field.”

***

Oddly enough, this development didn’t really bother you. You didn’t even remember the attack in Germany during your 2012 vacation. Honestly, it was exciting. You felt special, different, it was new and you yearned to control it. What intrigued you was how you didn’t know all these years, but Loki was certain that it was triggered by his magic. He often wondered if that meant there was still some sort of connection there with Barton, if he was still alive.

As the days passed, a sense of normalcy returned to your life, and you and the God of Mischief fell into a routine. Over time you had even grown to trust him, he was proving that he was a better person than he was in 2012. You were actually fond of the time you spent with Loki. With the power fixed, most chores were easier. You’d tend to the garden in the morning, when afternoon came Loki would join you for a cup of tea, then you would practice controlling your newfound power, in the evening the two of you would take turns cooking and would share a meal together. Loki had also given you a few books on sedir and the practice of Norse magic, to help with your control. He believed you could be trained in sorcery later, not the Dr. Strange kind, but the God of Mischief kind. Training with him was a bit daunting, each time his hands met your temples you worried you would somehow fry your own brain. Yet day after day, you did improve. The headaches lessened, and after two weeks of training, he was able to touch you without you immediately slipping into his mind. Despite him pushing you to your limits each day, the routine was nice and predictable. You always knew when he would be around and when you could be alone, but in that alone time, you found yourself waiting for the next time you would see him. Though, even when together Loki still somewhat kept to himself, he was reserved. Honestly, it was surprising that Loki didn’t keep you more on your toes given his reputation.

You peeked into the cabinets, deciding what to make this evening. It had been a while since your last trip into town, evident by the nearly bare cabinets. The garden wasn’t quite ready to harvest, and the summer crops were already used up. You sighed and made up a list to replenish the pantry. How did Loki always have the ingredients to make amazing meals? Had he ever even been to town? You thought about the pasta he had made the night before, making your mouth water. Your palm went to your forehead instinctually.

Right, magic, duh.

            The clock read 1:28, Loki would be there any minute for tea. You gathered your bag and shoes, quickly getting ready to leave. Wondering if maybe he’d like to join you, you grabbed your keys and went out to the porch.

            Loki sauntered up right on time, his long strides bringing him quickly to your porch. The god had finally warmed up to more normal looking clothes. He always looked great in Asgardian garb, but he mixed it up occasionally and casual clothes seemed to be growing on him. You couldn’t complain, either, not with the way that navy blue v-neck shirt was tight in all the right places. The fabric was snug around his shoulders and across his chest, and hung comfortably around his abdomen.

            “You’re gawking, darling. Though I don’t mind the attention, do try to be less obvious,” he called to you as he came to your side.

            You chuckled, “As if you’re any less obvious when you call me darling twenty times a day.”

            “Habit,” he replied quickly, “and it is not twenty times, I suggest that we work on your arithmetic next.” He looked away from you sheepishly, he didn’t really have an answer. Nicknames just felt natural, saying your name felt too formal and too intimate all at once. This wasn’t his home where Lady Emilia would’ve been appropriate at all times, and it likely would’ve made you uncomfortable. Midgard was so unnecessarily complex.

            Rolling your eyes, you held up the car keys. “I need to run into town, if you want to eat tonight that is. Do you want to come with me?”

            Loki raised an eyebrow, scrutinizing the keys and looking over to your car.

            “Do you wanna come or not?” You sighed, walking past him and down the steps.

            It wasn’t long before you heard his footsteps catching up to you, he strode to the other side of the car and flashed you a tight, closed smile. He quietly fumbled with the handle, holding eye contact the entire time. After a few seconds, he looked down to inspect the door, confused as to why it wasn’t opening. Loki tugged on the handle harshly, jaw clenched, and all his focus placed on the door. You tried to hold back your laughter, chest shaking as each breath cracked your resolve. Once he had leaned back, pulling on the door, you finally unlocked the car and sent the god backward. Loki landed on his ass with a thud and looked up at you with his teeth clenched. There was contempt in his eyes, his jaw was tight, and you were doubled over laughing.

            Your whole chest hurt as you laughed relentlessly at Loki, letting out small exclamations of “Oh my god your face,” and “That was hilarious,” between gasping breaths. One hand on the car, you steadied yourself, holding the other up in defense of your crumpled form as he stalked towards you, brushing the dirt off his jeans. The anger on his face softened when he saw your smile. Something about how giddy you were had melted his scorn away. The woman in front of him looked happier than he had ever seen her, and that glee was contagious. He began to chuckle quietly, hiding his smile with a fist and biting his forefinger.

You had just pranked the God of all pranks, and he was going to let you get away with it. For now at least.