Rules for Using Magic
*Quick note*
Steven is Italics
Marc is underlined
Jake is both OR if Jake is absent then Both Marc and Steven at the same time
Layla is non-altered text
KHONSHU IS BOLDED ITALIC CAPS
-----------------------------------
After the Rabbit Incident, there came a List of Rules for Using Magic, taped onto the fridge door for All to See.
Of course there was commentary to follow.
RULES FOR USING MAGIC
- NO RABBITS/BUNNIES/ OR OTHER CREATURES
-I am vegan!
-So?
-You make it sound like I am trying to sacrifice them!
-We know Steven. We just mean no magic involving any creatures.
At all.
-So you didn’t want me to use magic to stop those jackals that kicked our arses last week?
-I thought so.
- SUPERVISION BY AT LEAST TWO OTHER PEOPLE NOT USING MAGIC
-Marc and Jake count as two other people.
-No we don’t! If I get woken up one more time for Stevie’s magic lesson, I am tossing out all his vegan food.
-Mate I can’t keep asking Layla as my other person besides Marc.
-Jake come on. I need a break.
-No, when you take out fifteen cult members in one night, then we’ll talk.
-Please.
-No.
-Seriously? You both know I read these, right?
-We know.
-We’re just that exhausted.
-Jake, Marc, I need to go on a trip, you both have to watch Steven.
-What trip?
-An important artifact was found in Timbuktu and it’s about to go on the black market.
-You just said last week that this was the off season for black market artifacts.
-Layla not you too!
-Marc I’m signing those divorce papers.
- :(
- Please, take me with you.
- :(
- :(
- ALWAYS INFORM EVERYONE BEFORE AND AFTERWARDS THAT MAGIC WAS USED
-We are not repeating the Rabbit Incident
-I swear I did not know that would happen!
-Uh huh…look kid rabbit or not, You Are Going To Tell Us From Here On Out
-(mentally slumps) Alright, alright. I am really sorry.
-We know
-Yeah, we know Stevie
- NO ZOMBIES
-I agree but why…?
-It was when you were out for the count
-I really don’t want to know, do I?
-No, no, you really, really don’t
- NO SPEARS
-Does that mean we can’t use spears or…?
-I…actually don’t know…? Steven?
-Steven?
-Stevie?
-I think he’s ignoring us on purpose.
-Well calling him Stevie didn’t help
-You call him Buddy! Like he’s some pet!
-Buddy is an acceptable nickname, he’s told you he doesn’t like Stevie.
-Ever heard of good ol’ ribbing?
-There’s ribbing and then there’s being an asshole.
-I know what you are but what am I?
-Oh My Days! Will you two stop?!
-…..So what’s with the spears?
- NO MULTI-DIMENSIONAL BEINGS
-How many times do I have to tell you two? It Was An Accident!
-One that ended up wearing my face!
-And that you nearly invited into our head! It is bad enough that the Old Bird can get in.
- KHONSHU DOES NOT COUNT AS TWO PEOPLE FOR SUPERVISION
-But--?
-No
-NO
-Well who bloody else is supposed to be there then?! You two keep acting like flippin parents with custody issues and Layla suddenly has more trips than I can count.
-…Okay I just read that and realized that I was out of line, sorry.
-Look, I said I’m sorry and I really am.
-Mates?
-Marc? Jake?
-I even made your favorite…meat meal. Please come out.
-I swear if we got hit in the head by another zombie-spear wielding cult, I’m going to take a nap and let you two sort yourselves out.
-So that’s the issue with the spears?
-Oh ho, so you can respond!
-Dammit Marc. The kid hadn’t done any magic in DAYS.
-Seriously you two? Again? I read these too.
- KHONSHU DOES NOT COUNT AS SUPERVISION-AT ALL
-I cannot believe you did that to LAYLA, Steven!
-IT’S NOT MY FAULT! I had Layla and Khonshu with me. How was I supposed to know-
-Stevie you, somehow, body swapped with Layla--
-And it took three weeks to fix.
-It was just meditation to focus your magic! THAT WAS ALL!
-Besides I’m the one in Layla’s body for three weeks! Do you two realize how awkward that is for me to be in my girlfriend’s body?
-Oh shit, shit, shit, Marc I didn’t---
-Steven, I’m going to throw us off the roof.
-No, no, no-I swear Marc I didn’t mean it like that—
- :D Good luck Stevie.
- NEVER USE MAGIC FOR THE FIRST TIME DURING A MISSION
-It was Accio! Come on! Harry Potter should be exempt from that rule at least.
-You blew up three warehouses.
-And set fire to most of the docks in the area.
-Actually it’s kind a funny.
-How is this funny?
-Do you realize Mr. Knegotiator there did more damage on a mission than the two of us combined, ever?
-Shit, you’re right.
-Oh my days, I’ve turned into you two.
- NO USHABTI’S
-Okay, even I can agree with this one.
-Thank all bacon! The kid finally got common sense!
-Jake, you do realize we’re Jewish, right?
-You are Jewish, Stevie is….TBD, which means I don’t have to be ‘anything’ if I don’t want to.
-Did you actually…. listen to a therapy session?
-Wait, does that mean you’ve been eating bacon?
-Si. I talked to a rabbi once. As long as you don’t eat the bacon, you’re good.
-That’s—
-That’s really thoughtful of you mate. And Marc?
-Yeah?
-Welcome to my world. How does it feel to have unknowingly consumed something you didn’t want to?
- NO MAGIC IN THE HEADSPACE UNLESS LIFE THREATENING, EVEN THEN SUMMON JAKE OR MARC FOR SUPERVISION
-Didn’t realize this needed to be a rule.
-I was running out of options.
-So you decided to mess with our mind? That we just recently had messed with by some Egyptian demon-god?
-I was not ‘messing’ with our mind. I was using the headspace to practice some spells. That I already practiced in person WITH PROPER supervision.
-I don’t like waking up to my room from My Barbie’s Dreamhouse.
-Or mine with My Little Pony.
-Hey at least you two didn’t get a ton of those creepy porcelain dolls like I did in mine.
-….They’re not still there, are they?
-No, I cleaned them out lickity split.
-Did you check?
-Check what?
-That they didn’t come back?
-Okay that’s ridiculous, when both of your rooms were cleaned out, they went back to normal.
-It’s magic. There’s no ‘normal’ about it.
-It’s fine—
-Can you just check Steven?
-Just in case.
-Fine, I’ll go check right now.
-So did you—?
-Put a bunch of those creepy dolls back to freak him out?
Both of them suddenly mentally hear a screech and OH MY DAYS!
-Yes, yes I did.
-YOU TWO ARE SO GOING TO HELP ME CLEAN THESE UP!!!!
- FISH DO NOT EQUAL FAMILIARS
-Why in the world would I use a familiar?!
-I love my fish!
-Also do you realize how inhumane familiars are treated?
-And the fact of how hypothetically impractical it would be to carry a fish all over the place to do magic?
-Honestly you two, I’m VEGAN. If anyone is going to use a familiar, you two are the more likely bet.
-Does Khonshu being a bird count?
-It should, he squawks enough.
-I READ THESE TOO.
-Did he just--?
-I didn’t think he could do that.
-Jake, did you know he read these?
-What? Just cause he doesn’t have eyes doesn’t mean he can’t read?
-No Jake, we meant that he read our conversations, some that weren’t the nicest about him. Kind of thought they were private.
-Layla’s written here.
-Layla’s different.
-How?
-She’s Layla.
-….Okay, I’ll give you two that one.
-So…how long has Khonshu been reading these?
-LONG ENOUGH WORM.
-Shit
-Bugger
- :)
- TAWERET IS TOO BUSY TO BE USED A SUBSTITUTE SUPERVISION UNLESS LIFE THREATENING SITUATION
-You three do realize that she is working two jobs, right?
-That she is doing her roles as a goddess and Anubis’s work as well.
-Kind of wondered why she was on the ship in the Duat.
-Wait. So where’s Anubis?
-According to Taweret, Anubis did something that caused the Ennead to banish him into an Ushabti thousands of years ago.
-But he’s been known as the God of the Dead for thousands of years.
-Let me guess, had something to do with She Who Shall Not Be Named Goddess ?
-Yes,….it actually did. How did you know that?
-Honestly? I guessed. And I remembered how annoyed the Ennead were with Khonshu and us during that mess.
-Yeah, it was weird how much the Ennead almost…defended her and her half-way avatar.
-Wonder how much they would defend her now.
-Wait, if She Who Shall Not Be Named Goddess (we really need to think of a shorter name for her) tricked the Ennead like her half-way avatar did this time….?
-Then Anubis is innocent.
-Most likely, we don’t know the full details, remember? They could have been working together.
-Why? Her eating those souls kind of eliminates a good portion of Anubis’s work. Why would a god agree to diminish himself like that?
-Wasn’t Khonshu banished/diminished for agreeing to get involved with humans?
-So?
-Maybe Anubis had a really good reason too.
-Or she tricked him.
-There’s that.
-….Does this mean we need to free Anubis?
-Let me talk with Taweret before we decide to go freeing any other gods. Okay?
-That’s fair
-Sounds good.
-Hey, where’s Jake?
- RESEARCH, RESEARCH, RESEARCH BEFORE ‘TWEAKING’ A SPELL
-I can’t believe you’re complaining of me not researching something!
-You transferred Jake out of our body and turned him into a squirrel.
-I told you, it wasn’t me!
-He’s currently being de-squirreled by Khonshu and Taweret.
-I was not fronting then! Nor have I done any magic recently!
-Then who was it then?! Cause it sure as hell wasn’t me!
-….Well Jake’s staff could work like my truncheons….
-You think Jake, the one most adamant about you not using magic unless absolute necessary, would willingly use magic on himself?
-Well how else do you explain it Marc!?
-I don’t know!
-I KNOW
-Weren’t you de-squirreling Jake?
-TAWERET CAN HANDLE IT FROM HERE.
-….So who was it?
- HE WAS FLEEING SOME CULTISTS AND ASKED FOR SOME…ASSISTANCE TO HIDE FROM THEM.
-YOU
-WHAT
-THE
-HELL?!
-CEASE YOUR BLATHER!
-….Wait-How come we all aren’t squirreled then?
-THE SPELL WAS MEANT TO PROTECT AND HIDE, … IT WENT MORE SPECIFIC THAN I ANTICIPATED.
-Then how did we get home?
-PART OF THE SPELL WORKED AS INTENDED, PART OF IT DID NOT.
-I don’t want to know which part was intended, do I?
-At this point I’m think we need a set of rules for Khonshu.
-I DO NOT NEED RULES! I AM A GOD!
-A god who separated us, turned one of us into a squirrel, and sent the rest to a completely different location.
-I DO NOT NEED TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO ANYONE
-Not even to Taweret whose fixing your mistake?
-SHE IS A FELLOW GOD, SHE UNDERSTANDS
-Right,....keep telling yourself that Big Guy.