Never Say Petting Zoo...Again
“BLEAAT”
Marc snaps awake and jumps out of bed.
Except the bedding snags his legs and ends up falling face first out of bed.
“Ughhh.”
“BLEAAAAT”
Marc slowly turns his head to a face full of goat.
Wait no.
Very young goat.
Kid?
Wait.
Why is there a kid in the flat?
“STEVEN!”
“BLEAT”
Nothing.
Hmmm.
“JAKE!”
“Whadya want?!”
“Why the hell is there a goat kid here?”
“Steven.”
“It’s a safe bet, Except he’s not answering.”
“Huh. Marc you know how I turned into a squirrel?”
“Yeah?….Wait you don’t think?”
“That one of the two idiots turned Steven into a kid goat? Would you really be that surprised?”
Marc rubbed his forehead, “Honestly no. But I had thought with the Rules that we were good.”
Jake scoffed, “Well apparently not. Wait…is that cheeping?”
Marc untangled from the blankets and looked around.
There.
Are.
Baby.
Animals.
Everywhere.
Jake whistled, “We really need to work on yourself awareness there.”
Marc scowled, “Shut up.”
The effect was diminished when a chick jumped onto his head.
Jake guffawed and Marc carefully lifted the chick from his head and back onto the ground.
Jake continued to laugh, “There’s a freakin pettin zoo in here and ya didn’t notice?”
Said kid was chewing on the blankets while mice race between its legs.
A kitten appeared from the top of the bed and mewed down at Marc.
Marc shook his head, “The goat and lack of Steven distracted me.”
Jake snorted, “Where is he then?”
Marc paused, a hedgehog and a badger had just walked by, “I…I don’t know.”
Jake reached out and carefully tapped the kitten on the nose, she swiped at his finger, “Right well what’s the last thing either of us remembers?”
The hedgehog came back and started to snuggle in Marc’s lap, he swallowed, “I remember the date Layla and I had last night and going to bed. You?”
Jake took the risk and gently petted the hedgehog, “Khonshu had a couple quick missions, but nothing with magic.”
Marc’s brows furrowed as he looked up to see…a very small flying squirrel glide above his head, “Okay then.”
He paused, then winced as he heard something crash, “We need to call Layla.”
Jake stood up and saw that a bunch of puppies had knocked over the kitchen table, “Yeah, we need to call her, besides the hippo likes babies.”
As Marc got even a better view of the apartment…and the smell, he made the call.
-----
When Layla woke up to her cell ringing, she did not expect a face full of dragon.
She leapt backwards and summoned her suit to only realize three things.
1-The dragon was the size of a house cat.
2-The dragon was sleeping.
3-It Was Adorable.
It was covered in a variated pattern of grey and off-white scales.
And it was snoring.
Before Layla could get a closer look, her cell rang again.
She quickly picked it up so as to avoid waking up the dragon in her bed.
She whispered, “Hello?”
“Hey Layla, look I’m sorry, but could you come by the flat? And bring Taweret? We appear to have a problem…BLEAT”
Perplexed, Layla asked, “Was that… a goat?”
Marc sighed, Layla could picture him rubbing his forehead, “Yeah, from what Jake and I can tell, Steven somehow summoned a bunch of baby animals and got himself transformed into one in the process.”
Layla blinked, “Wait, how do you know Steven summoned them let alone turn himself into one? He’s been really good with the Rules.”
Marc wearily responded, “Dunno actually, but he’s not responding in the headspace and neither Jake nor I summoned the petting zoo. OI ! Don’t eat that! Hey baby, I’m going to have to let you go!”
Layla hears a crash and the line goes dead.
“Well that’s interesting.”
She then hears a snuffling sound and remembers her predicament.
The mini-dragon, that is currently snuggling into her pillow.
Wait.
No.
It’s not possible.
Layla quietly tiptoes to the little or perhaps very young, dragon, and pokes at it with her wing tip.
The dragon rolls over.
Layla quietly huffs and tries again.
This time the little dragon, dragonet?, blearily wakes up.
It’s eyes go wide and scrambles up.
Layla swallowed and went out on a limb, “Steven? Is that you?”
The dragonet paused and carefully nodded.
Layla crouches down to Steven’s height.
“What happened? Everything was going so well.”
Steven attempted to speak, coming out as squeaks and then shrugged.
Layla tilted her head, how were they going to communicate?
Then Layla had an Idea.
“Taweret!”
Taweret popped in, “Yes dear! Oh! Oh my!” She crouched to Steven’s level, “Oh…dear. Steven how did you do this to yourself?”
Layla raised her brows, “You can tell it’s Steven?”
Taweret looked back at Layla and nodded, “Of course! As a Goddess of Children, I can see through any magic involving anything with children. Regardless if the original person is a child or not.”
She turned back to Steven, “ Now let’s see…Ahh yes!”
She carefully blew…air…onto Steven, “ Now, try and speak.”
Steven squeaked, “What exactly- Oh My Days! I can talk!”
Taweret beamed, “ Perfect! This will be so much easier.”
Layla sighed in relief, “Thank you Taweret.”
“It’s no problem dear! Anything to help you and your boys is always a pleasure! Your adventures are so much more fun than sitting on that boat all day.”
Before Layla could inquire further about Taweret’s boat duty, Steven sneezed.
Fire.
On the bed.
“Oh bloody hell. I am So Sorry!”
Three buckets of water later, Steven was in an empty bathtub in case there were any more ….incidents.
Layla was exhausted, damp, and a little charred.
Steven was soaking wet and very apologetic.
Layla had just caught Steven up with what’s going on with Marc and Jake.
She took a deep breath, “Alright, how did this happen?”
Steven flapped his tiny wings in frustration,” I wish I knew, but I have no idea! I haven’t fronted since our lunch yesterday. I’ve been really good too! I’ve been following the rules and everything!”
Smoke started to pour out of Steven’s nostrils.
Layla quickly and gently stroked his back ridge in an effort to calm him down.
Steven sighed and relaxed under Layla’s ministrations, “Sorry, I’m just a bit upset is all.”
Layla soothed him, “It’s fine and you have a right to be frustrated. Just don’t set fire to the bathroom, I may have guilt tripped Marc into fixing it up.”
Steven’s eyes went wide, “Wait, is that why we were so sore those months after Cairo? I thought it was Marc pushing it sans suit!”
Layla grinned sheepishly, “It was his apology for everything before Cairo. Usually I say no…but Marc is surprisingly really good with DIY.”
“Well why didn’t he say anything?!”
Layla rolled her eyes, “Something about him being the one to screw up and not bothering you.”
Steven rolled his eyes in turn, “Well that’s rubbish!”
Before he could continue he sneezed,
“Achoo!
Achoo!
Achoo!”
Layla quickly jerked backwards and waited for Steven to finish.
Steven shook his head, “Sorry about that. Any who, I have no idea how this happened. My best guess is Khonshu accidentally did the same to me as he did with Jake the Squirrel.”
Layla hmmed, “But does Khonshu repeat mistakes like that often though?”
Steven bobbed his head, “That’s a good point. So how….?”
Layla sighed, “I wish I knew.”
Taweret carefully interrupted their musings, “I might have an idea dears. See while you were sorting out the fire issue, I checked the transformation spell on Steven. It’s not Khonshu’s or any of his affiliated magic.”
Layla asked, “So who is it then?”
Taweret grimaced, “Apparently it’s Bes.”
Steven chimed in, “Bes, the ushabti we found in New York?”
Taweret sighed, “Yes.”
Layla looked to Steven, equally confused, and back to Taweret, “But how?”
Taweret rubbed her hands together in frustration, “Well, Bes is one of those gods that attempts to help…even when it is not wanted.” She turned to Steven, “Steven did you mention children, dragons, or baby animals at all around his ushabti?”
Steven thought about it and after a few minutes groaned.
Layla perked up, “What, what is it?”
Steven put his head in his paws, “I was talking aloud about Bes’s purpose in front of his ushabti to Jake. I may have rambled about how cute baby animals are, and wondered what baby mythological creatures would be just as cute.”
Taweret sighed, “That would do it. Just be grateful that he didn’t make anyone pregnant. There’s a reason he’s been ushabtied after all.”
Layla was horrified on behalf of herself and all women, “You mean he made women pregnant with---?!”
Taweret’s eyes went wide, “What? No, no! He gets overzealous with baby anything and pregnancy in general. He once made everyone in a region five times more fertile than usual…for a decade.”
Layla gulped, “Oh god.”
Taweret nodded in agreement, “Yes…it got out of hand to the point that ushabting him was the only option to mitigate his power.”
Steven faintly pointed out, “Oh my days talk about a population boom.”
Layla tagged on, “Or population collapse, feeding all those mouths and the resources to care for them could bankrupt a nation.”
Taweret, eager, to move on, “Yes, well now we know the why and how, now’s it’s just reversing it.”
Steven and Layla glanced at each other, “Do we need to perform True Loves Kiss?”
Taweret shook her head, “In this case it may have the opposite effect, and Layla my dear unless you changed your mind about children—-“
Layla quickly interrupted, “One day Taweret, just not right now.”
Taweret nodded, “Okay, then what we need to do is get everyone together first, then I just use the same counter-spell when Bes started the Baby Boomers.”
Before anyone could explore that topic further, Taweret clapped their hands.
All three were sitting outside of Steven, Marc, and Jake’s flat.
Based on what they could hear…it was not going well inside.
Layla tucked Steven under her arm and quickly knocked.
A harried Jake answered, “Oh thank god you came. And you brought her, bless you.”
Layla looked around Jake.
There were
Baby
Animals
Everywhere.
Petting zoo would be an understatement.
More like a Sea of Cuteness.
Layla had a sinking feeling this was not going to be as easy as Taweret claimed it would.
------
Meanwhile- As in Prior to Layla's Arrival.
While Layla, Steven, and Taweret were figuring out the predicament.
Marc and Jake had a Petting Zoo Situation on their hands.
Whoever wasn’t fronting was commentating mentally and expressing visually from the mirrors around the flat.
As a blur ran past them, Jake gaped, What is that thing?
Marc tried to answer, “I think it is an ostrich?”
They watched as it made laps around the room, Jake couldn’t believe it, Wait that’s a baby ostrich?
He whistled, I so don’t want to meet the adult.
As Jake ducked another flying creature, “Why are so many of them fucking flying?”
Marc pointed out, We need to contain them somehow.
A young seagull collided in the back of Jake’s head, “OW! Motherfucker! Any suggestions?!”
Marc took a second to think, The only place with a door is the bathroom.
Jake grumbled, “Well at least they can’t destroy that much.”
Marc sighed, Jake surely jinxed them,oh well at least he can fix up bathrooms well, We can only hope.
Marc peered in the fish tank, “At least there’s nothing in the tank besides the fish.”
Hssss
Jake whispered, What was that?
Marc slowly turned, “Is that?”
Jake, eyes wide, A baby Komodo dragon.
Marc quietly groaned, “Fuck”
Jake, now panicking, nothing had been poisonous till now, Where do we put it?
Marc quickly looked around, “Maybe that loft thing above the bed?”
Aghast Jake asked, You want that thing to jump us?
Marc snapped back as he grabbed their comforter, Steve Irwin don’t fail him now, “Any other ideas?”
Marc keeled over, cradling a very sensitive part of his anatomy, “Goddamn It!”
Jake gulped, I didn’t think joeys could punch that hard.
Marc wheezed, “Believe-hee-it.”
Jake shook his head in solidarity, Better you than me.
Marc had Enough, “Jake take the body.”
No way
“Take it”
No
“Take It”
NO
Marc groaned, “Fuck it.”
He mentally fell back, forcing Jake to front, Jake wheezed, “I hate you.”
Marc could admit it, “Okay that’s adorable.”
Jake sniffed, That is…
Marc was stunned, “Are you…crying?”
Jake fronted, “It’s so cute, I don’t know what it is but is adorable!”
Marc remembered seeing something on TV once, I think ….it’s a fennec fox.
Jake cuddled the fox kit, “Can we keep it?”
Marc grinned, Lets’ see buddy, let’s see.
Now Marc was sniffling, “Okay this is adorable.”
Jake was a little perplexed, his fox kit was way cuter in his mind, Really?
Marc raised half a brow, “What you don’t think so?”
Jake shrugged his shoulders, I mean it’s cute, but wait-are you? Of course you’re cuddling it.
Marc glared at him, “What you don’t think I can cuddle?”
Jake answered honestly, Didn’t think your cute animal of choice would be that.
Marc was confused, “What wrong with him?”
Jake hesitated, Isn’t it a little …..scaly?
Marc scoffed, “So?”
Jake chuckled, I guess it would take a schmuck like you to love a baby pangolin.
Marc asserted, “We’re keeping it.”
Jake sighed, Well see.
Jake sniffed, “What is that smell?”
Marc pointed out the obvious, Baby animals.
Jake snorted, “Seriously?”
Marc retorted, Well we can’t exactly put diapers on them.
Jake was getting a headache, “When’s Layla getting here again?”
Marc sighed, Soon hopefully.
Jake coughed as a fresh horrid smell wafted their way, “I’m this tempted to call in big bird.”
Then a Capuchin monkey poops on Jake’s head.
“Fuck it.” He immediately forces Marc to front.
Marc swears, “Let’s call him.”
Khonshu eventually arrived, I did not cause this.
Jake snorted, “Well who did?”
Where is the worm?
Marc fronted, “We don’t know, we thought you two did something, again.”
While that thought isn’t too illogical neither the worm nor I have done any magic recently relating to …this.
Jake interrupted, “But you have done magic?”
A week ago and it was successful.
Marc pushed, “What was it?”
Flotation.
Marc was getting concerned, as was Jake, “Like on water?”
Yes.
Both were now confused, “But we can swim?”
You and Lockley can, apparently the worm was remiss in this education.
Dread pooled in Marc’s stomach, how had this not come up before?, “Wait so he floated, where?”
The only large body of water this city has.
Both completely panicked, “HE WAS IN THE THAMES?!”
Jake pulled their hair, “Why didn’t he call us?!”
He wanted to try the spell.
Both shouted, “And?!”
It worked.
Marc could not believe this, “So he just bobbed down the Thames?!”
That is not quite accurate.
Jake was getting sick of this, “Well then what happened?!”
WILL YOU TWO BE SILENT!?
He walked down the body of water, and then with some assistance from myself, he was lifted back to the sidewalk. From there he took one of your modes of transport home.
Both were stunned.
Marc swallowed, “He… walked on the Thames.”
Jake dumbfounded, “He literally Walked On Water.”
Marc had to bring it up, “Does that mean?...”
Jake countered, “Do you really want to know?”
Marc nodded, “That’s… a… good point.”
Marc continued, “Though if Alex the Great was Ammit’s….”
Jake interrupted, “Just stop, I don’t want to know.”
After a pause thought, Jake pointed out, “It would explain a lot.”
Marc sighed, “Yeah it would.”
Jake huffed, “So back on track.”
Marc concluded, “If nothing went wrong…”
Jake finished, “Then what the hell caused this?”
I suggest you summon Taweret.
Marc answered, “Already did, her and Layla are on their way.”
Good.
They smell.
--------
When Layla finally arrived, Marc fronted as Jake fainted from exhaustion.
“Babe, am I so glad to see you.”
He immediately pulled her into a hug, and noticed something.
Layla was carrying something in her arms that she was shielding from the hug.
Marc pulled away from Layla as he got a better look.
Layla adjusted her arms and presented it to Marc.
A
Baby
Dragon.
Marc’s heart both melted as his stomach dropped, because why else would Layla be carrying around a baby dragon?
He swallowed, “Steven?”
The dragonet nodded, “Hey Marc. At least you and Jake didn’t get…well this.”
Marc mentally shouted for Jake to WAKE UP.
Jake fronted, “WHAT?! Wait-Steven? What the--?”
Steven whuffed, “Yes, yes, I’m a baby dragon who sneezes fire.”
Jake was too shocked from what he was seeing to say anything to stop Marc from fronting again.
“Wait, did you say sneezes fire?!”
Layla snorted, “Yes, you owe me a new set up bedsheets dear.”
Steven slouched, “I’m sorry! If I had known—”
Layla interrupted, “Not you, Steven, I’m talking to Marc.”
Marc was confused, “Wait, why do I owe you bedsheets if--?”
“Because you’re not currently a dragonet. Jake can also pay once he gets over his shock.”
Marc sighed, “That’s…fair.”
A young fruit bat collided into the back of Marc’s head, “OI what the hell?! You were in the bathroom with all of the other fliers…Oh shit!”
Marc, with Layla right behind, sprinted to the bathroom.
The door was ajar and every sort of young flying creature was pouring out of the bathroom.
Marc got a face full of young seagulls, ravens, and pigeons, “GAH!”
Layla stayed back with Steven and did her best to shield him from the onslaught.
“TAWERET! NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME FOR THAT COUNTERSPELL!”
“RIGHT DEAR!” Taweret roared something in Ancient Egyptian and a bright light filled the entire room.
Layla kept her eyes closed but dropped Steven as she felt him get larger in her arms.
When the light faded she opened her eyes.
The baby animals were gone.
The mess….was not.
Steven was standing about a foot away from her, back to normal.
Naked, but normal nonetheless.
There was no sign of Marc or Jake.
All Marc knew was that he was swarmed by birds and then…he wasn’t.
Also that something felt…off.
He did not want to open his eyes.
But he had too, everyone was calling for him.
So he did.
And instantly regretted it.
Steven immediately called out, “Marc! Jake!”
Jake suddenly fronted, “Right here Stev-o. Where the hell is Marc?”
Steven grimaced, “First, never call me that again. Second, I haven’t the foggiest.”
Layla groaned, “If he’s back at my flat…”
“SCREECH”
Everyone paused.
Steven gulped, “Was that--?”
“SCREECH”
Layla called out “MARC!”
“SCREECH”
“SCREECH”
Jake panicked, “This is the shittiest game of Marco-Polo ever! Where is he?!”
Everyone quickly started to look around.
Every time they called out, a SCREECH would be heard in return.
Finally Steven spotted something round and…fluffy hidden by some couch cushions.
“Marc?”
The round fluffy thing squirmed, “SCREECH”.
Steven immediately dove down to get a better look.
It was a very young snowy owlet.
“MARC!”
Owlet Marc, “SCREECHED”, and attempted to stumble towards Steven.
Steven quickly but carefully picked him up.
Steven cooed, Marc was adorable to say the least, “Awww Marc, what happened mate?”
Marc flapped his wings and “SCREECHED”.
Jake fronted, “Hermano, what did you do?”
Layla came over and pointed to the owlet, “Is that him?”
Jake nodded, “Si, not entirely sure why this happened though.”
Layla sighed, “It must be a side-effect of the counterspell that Taweret performed. Taweret!”
Taweret appeared, “Yes? Did the counter not work? Oh…oh dear.”
She got a closer look a Marc, “Hmmmm. That should not have happened. Let me try this.”
She quickly sang something in Ancient Egyptian and a bright light flashed.
Once the light faded Steven opened his eyes, “Marc?”
Marc quickly fronted, “Here Steven.”
Steven sighed in relief, “Oh my days.”
Marc, still jittery from being an owlet, “I know, I know….Wait, where’s Jake?”
Jake did not front.
Layla turned to the pair, “All good?”
Marc sighed, “No, now Jake’s missing.”
Layla groaned, “Alright then, JAKE!”
Marc and Steven joined her, “JAKE!”
No sound.
Then suddenly a shape launched from the bookshelf onto Marc’s head.
“GAH! WHAT THE HELL!”
“WAIT MARC THAT COULD BE JAKE! BUGGER HOLD STILL!”
The shape quickly scrambled around Steven’s body until it finally stopped.
On top of Steven’s head.
Steven looked up, “Really Jake?”
Layla stood back during the chaos and finally got a closer look.
It was a young ring-tail lemur.
Layla cautiously held a hand out in care Jake wanted a more stable spot.
Jake licked her fingers but stayed on top of Steven’s head.
She retracted her hand and Steven carefully turned to a wall mirror get a better look at Jake.
“Aww mate you’re adorable too!”
Jake the lemur pulled on Steven’s hair, “Ow! Ow! Alright!”
Marc fronted, “Jake, quit that! Any time Layla!”
Layla sighed, “Taweret!”
Taweret popped in, “Okay! This should be the last time!”
Again she chanted something Ancient Egyptian.
Again a bright light flashed.
Marc cautiously opened his eyes, “Jake? Steven?”
Jake fronted, “Si, thank god.”
Steven then fronted, “Looks like we are all accounted for.”
Layla blew out a sigh of relief, “Oh good. Wait, Jake could you front again?”
Jake fronted, “Is something wrong?”
Layla stepped closer and took a good look at his eyes, “One of your eyes is orange? Red?”
Jake’s eyes went wide and he quickly dove to a mirror, “You’ve got to be shittin’ me.”
Steven fronted, and his eyes were normal but even in the reflection, Jake’s were not, “Mate do you want to get Taweret back?”
Layla stumbled forward, “No need, she just told me that any side effects at this point should only last for a day or so.”
Marc fronted, “Thanks babe.”
Jake fronted, “Si, gracias. Besides,” he got a closer look at his reflection, “I think I like the red eye, gives me a bit of a badass look, ya know?”
Marc fronted, “If you’re planning on getting red contact lenses, then you get to take them out.”
Jake nodded, “Si, si.”
Steven popped in, “Seriously mate, I’m shit with contacts, that’s why I have glasses.”
Marc sighed, “Well either way, I’m done. How about we order some to-go? How does that sound Layla?”
Layla gave an exhausted smile, “Good, but we have a slight problem.”
Marc was confused, “What?”
Layla gestured around herself, “The mess?”
Marc looked around.
The flat looked well….like a massive amount of baby animals went through.
Marc groaned, as did Steven and Jake in his head, “This is going to take forever.”
Steven suddenly fronted, “Unless.”
Jake fronted, “Steven, NO.”
Steven frowned, “You didn’t even know what I was going to say!”
Jake retorted, “I already know. After today, no magic!”
Steven groaned, “It wasn’t my fault and I practiced this one! Tell them Layla!”
Layla, tiredly giggling at their antics, nodded, “If you are referring to that cleaning spell, then yes Steven has practiced it.”
Marc fronted, “And nothing weird happened?”
Layla shrugged, “The area smelled like Pine-sol for a couple weeks.”
Marc breathed a sigh of relief, “Well there are worse smells. Okay Steven, go for it.”
Steven cheered summoning his suit and truncheons, “YES!”
He rubbed his hands together, “Let’s do this!”
-------
An hour later the flat was sparkling clean.
Steven cheerful but exhausted, let Marc front.
Layla, who had to assist in making sure nothing went wrong, was dozing on the couch.
Marc could not believe it.
Outside of the Pine-Sol smell, there was not a single trace of what happened earlier.
Jake whistled, Damn the kid did good.
Marc nodded, “Yeah, him and Layla really did a great job.”
Khonshu suddenly appeared, Well the worm did it.
Marc tilted his head, “You knew?”
Khonshu scoffed, Of course I did. Just because I am not “allowed” to supervise does not mean I still cannot observe.
Marc and Jake both looked at him in horror, Jake spoke first, Did he just do air-quotes?
Marc nodded, “Yes, yes he did.”
Khonshu rolled his head, miming an eye-roll, Just because I am an All Powerful Being, does not mean I won’t…adapt to human customs. I find it sufficient to express my meaning.
Marc looked at Jake in the mirror, “I think the Pine-Sol is getting to us.”
Jake snorted, Ya think?
Marc quickly went over to the windows, “Let’s get some fresh air before things get even stranger.”
Jake nodded in the window reflection as Marc went to open all the windows.
It would fade in a couple weeks…hopefully.