I did not want this
I did not want this
I'm not... Please wait, don't leave me here... I'm sorry... I didn't mean that... Please wait... .
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The first thing I notice when she's gone she died again... for nothing, all this for nothing right in your arms after finally acknowledging you and the monster you've become is silence and not Kamar's warm, cozy silence -Taj of dozens of mages and mages struggling to fulfill their goals or the warm silence sharpened by the knowledge of the cagliostro library erases but the absence of any kind of sound.
Without the stifling but familiar noise of cars and people screaming erased from existence thanks to youto each other that is so familiar to anyone living in New York or the comfortable sound of sinks creaking and tea and hot chocolate being made by Wong killed because of you, all of them absolutely nothing and completely nothing…
Besides that he's always watching but never intervening, which ultimately doesn't matter anymore... any sort of means of reversing what he's done to the universe and... all those lives... all those . .. Monster
"Oh, I'm sorry... I'm sorry, please take me... punish me... turn around... it's my fault... I didn't mean to... sorry, PUNISH ME"
There comes a time when I don't even know who I'm yelling at anymore, Wong the old woman... everyone who warned him... I'm sorry... I'm sorry.
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The next time I wake up I don't know but how much time has passed, for a moment I almost let myself believe that everything that happened was just a nightmare and I'm still with her dancing at that stupid gala and kissing her smeared ruby lips with creme brulee
When I open my eyes and all I see is darkness, I'm not surprised
Your fault
For a second I think about closing my eyes and losing myself in the sweet dreams of the moments I had with her, the moments when I was happy
Why can't I be happy?
But I can no longer allow myself to live in illusions Look what happened last time luxury is much more than I deserve.
I blink heavily watching the confines of the prison I've created, my eyes heavy with the crying I don't remember spilling, I make a move to push him away from this drowning sensation of the endless numbness that has run through my being for so long, but no Can I muster enough energy to lift the tentacle arm? I really don't want to think about what I've done to my body now maybe never, it's too much now
"Seems like monsters cry too, I shouldn't be so surprised... I know you're there, I feel you"
Watching, analyzing like a parasite but never doing anything, never interfering.
“You could have saved them, you could have saved ALL…from me, why not? Why didn't you stop this... why didn't you kill me?"
I count to 1000 when I realize he won't answer, was he there okay? I only hear... Nothing
"Please say"
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"THIS IS YOUR FAULT, NOT MINE, YOU COULD HAVE SAVED EVERYONE...
I barely have the voice to scream I haven't healed with magic in a long time, I deserved the pain
You deserve to die
I deserved to suffer
I don't even feel the tears running down my face, in fact it's been a long time since I felt anything
I close my eyes that have suddenly become feline without my permission, nothing is worth night vision when there is nothing in the universe to observe, I try to get them back to normal as I feel my throat healing with an innate regeneration that probably came from whatever was the monster I absorbed, honestly it was better just to ignore the thousands of voices inside me asking to get out, trying to peel my skin and see the outside once more, like there was something more than this obsidian cage I I created it myself
This hell
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There was no other way
"I needed to do this, you understand, don't you?"
There was no other way, I know in my department... is that ok?
"I needed to bring you back, I just wanted us to be happy...is that too much to ask?"
I don't understand... this shouldn't have happened... I don't understand...
Liar
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“You must be finding me pathetic, don't you? trapped in his own cage crying for a being who refuses to do anything but watch.”
I stand up, my legs are suddenly shaky, which is probably more because it's the first time I've used them in…weeks? months? years old? Time is irrelevant when there is no reason to count it Or a reason to live than whatever health state my body is in
My real injuries
Very close on their own even not wanting to or even realizing they exist in the first place what I discover after a series of purely scientific experiments, I don't need to sleep or eat which is not really a novelty, it was something you noticed in cagliostro, what didn't stop O'Bengh of insisting on making me eat at least one meal a day or just leaving little tidbits that mysteriously appeared next to my books, thinking about him hurts now...living hurts now
But I would never forget the man who welcomed me into his home with open arms and protected me even when there was no reason to... even when... it was the wrong decision to make.
You betrayed him
Even he was protecting a... Freak Monster
Even her recognizes you
"SHUT UP"
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"I need to get out of here, I know this should be punishment and I deserve it, but I can't... take it... I can't take it anymore... I... I'm sorry"
I want to meet her again
I wanna die
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"Why isn't it working? It should work... I need to get out... join you Christine"
My hands burned with the power that pierced the walls of the cage, no prison was entirely unbreakable, there had to be a way, there had to be a soft spot in an unbreakable prison, I couldn't think of the possibility that there wasn't.
If reality couldn't break this cage, why do you think it would?
"I created, I can destroy, nothing is impossible"
Didn't that thought bring you here?
"Shut up"
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"No God… y-you… still there right? I know you are… still don't want to interfere do you? So much power and why?… You wouldn't destroy any universe by killing me you know…"
I bite my lips until I feel blood smiling for the first time in what feels like ages, the broken, empty noise that came out of the back of my throat can't be considered a laugh but it's as close to one as I have anyway .
"Because you know… I already did it for you"
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"So quiet, did boredom eat your tongue after all?"
I ask the void already knowing for a long time that I would never get an answer
Which didn't matter, I don't need an answer to speak, speaking was the only thread that kept what was left of my sanity, and honestly it wasn't much, relatively intact
Puns, jokes or just plain talk made me remember better times, times when I wasn't this... thing... I turned around, made me forget where I am... forget to think
Forgetting to want death, you deserve that not them
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I am tired
I know it's not possible, my body shouldn't feel physical fatigue anymore, but sometimes...
It was tiring to lift a finger sometimes, it was tiring to think knowing that no being in the galaxy would do the same again because of me, guilt was like a physical and palpable weight that consumed every part of my body until there was nothing left , pinning me to the ground , crushing my lungs... keeping me from breathing, it's not like I really need to
It was just... tiring to be alive lately, it was tiring to be alive for a long time
The irony is not lost on me
Sacrifice everything for power... but in the end having no will or reason to use them, fighting death tooth and nail, but in the end yearning for it
He must be laughing at me now
I can almost hear the "You have been warned" from that being's superior, judgmental voice.
Still... maybe there's still a reason
She would hate that
But she wasn't here anymore, right?
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