Chapter 3
He never thought things could be this much worse.
“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry…”
When he finally secured the straps around Bucky's wrists to the gurney and sent him to the temporary operating room in the tower, Bucky completely panicked.
“Please sir, sir…”
“Bucky it’ll be okay. Trust me, it won’t hurt.” Steve's voice wavered slightly. He could see Bucky’s torn flesh and exposed bones on his left shoulder and Bucky wouldn't stop bleeding. He was supposed to stop bleeding.
“I’m with you Bucky.”
Bucky's terror only seemed to intensify.
“Please Sir, S…Steve please, please don’t..” There were tears welling in Bucky’s eyes. Steve's heart clenched painfully in his chest. That was when he couldn’t keep going.
“Can we wait for him to heal on his own?”
“I’m afraid not, Captain Rogers. His super-healing wouldn't fix the nerve damage in his metal arm…” Jarvis explained.
“You always make decisions for him like that?” Tony Stark leaned against the wall with a mild interest in his eyes.
“Surgical removal is suggested. It may be unethical to keep his metal arm because it’s causing him pain.” Jarvis continued.
He waited anxiously outside the surgery room, retreating into his own mind. He had faced his fair share of trials but plummeting into the icy depths of the Arctic laden with bombs felt better than this. He could still feel the weight of Bucky's body beneath his hands, the desperate struggle. He had to hold Bucky down when Tony injected him with an excess of tranquilizer and anesthesia. Then Bucky's struggles grew weaker and his protests faded into the silence. He didn’t know how long he waited just staring at Bucky’s blood on his hands.
Tony started talking even before opening the door, his voice cutting through the air, “Three days with you and your little pet has TBI, nutritional deficiency, nerve damage, peptic ulcers, osteoarthritis, liver and kidney damage, connective tissue disorders, and sleep deprivation. He has implants, you know that? Metal plates, screws, coils, artificial joints. Glad I didn’t send him into an MRI scan. And finally, wow, a missing arm. It never occurred to you to send him here earlier?”
His jaw tightened, “I thought…He…He was reluctant to..”
Tony's expression softened slightly.
“You know what? I don’t care. He’s your problem, not mine.” Tony handed over the medical report, turning to leave.
“Captain Rogers, Mr. Stark believes perhaps now is a good time to hand him…”
“He has god complex Jarvis, he won’t listen to you.” Tony's voice echoed from a distance.
Bucky is even quieter after they return to their apartment. Bucky remains on his bed, his gaze fixed on some distant point beyond the walls. Bucky doesn’t move an inch when he removes the medical restraints.
“Bucky, how’re you feeling?” He says tentatively, “I’m so sorry about what happened earlier.”
But Bucky's only response is a glare. Bucky seems resentful whenever he approaches him.
“Can you talk to me? Bucky, please.” He would rather have faced Red Skull's bombs, have Loki's dagger piercing his flesh, or have Pierce’s bullets tearing through him, than see Bucky look at him like this right now. “You said…you said you hate me.”
Bucky suddenly seems scared. “I’m sorry.” His voice is so small he almost misses it.
He doesn’t know what Bucky is thinking. Everything confuses him.
“I’m sorry.” Bucky clears his throat and says it again, louder this time.
Bucky's gaze flickers to meet his.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”
“No, Bucky, it was my fault. I didn’t realize what you needed. You never have to apologize to me.” He doesn’t know why Bucky is scared of him.
“Can you…can you tell me why?”
“It was Hydra’s arm.” Bucky lowers his head again.
“You could have told me.” He frowns unconsciously.
“I’m sorry.” Bucky remains guarded and closed off.
“I’m not…Bucky, it’s just…You can talk to me.” He doesn’t know how to let Bucky understand. He clearly underestimates the damage Hydra did. “I want to help you.”
Bucky gives him that glare again. He wants to cry. He wants to hold Bucky in his arms right now, bury his face in Bucky’s neck and cry.
“I’d do anything for you Bucky. Anything. You just have to say it.”
Bucky stares at him for a long moment and averts his gaze.
“Can I see my commander?”
Is it a trap?
It’s worth a shot.
Steve looks hurt again. So it is a trap.
The Asset is in overwhelming distress. He doesn’t know if Steve’s punishments are over or if cutting off his arm is just the beginning.
A dog that bites its owner must be put down…
“He is not a commander.” Steve frowns again.
Oh I've trained him well, taught him to fetch and roll over on command....
He is so sick of Steve’s game.
Steve is a liar. When Pierce said he could ask for anything he wanted, Pierce always delivered. Pierce used to give him chocolate, a hot shower, and his favorite AWM sniper rifle—each request fulfilled without question. And then there was the puppy-Pierce even gave him a small golden retriever puppy he asked for. That puppy really liked him, following him everywhere and cuddling him with trusting eyes. He was careful not to touch the puppy with his metal arm because she whimpered whenever he did.
He still remembers when Westfahl took out a blade and sliced that puppy. The sound of the puppy's pained whimper. Some STRIKE members held him down and they shoved a small piece of viscera in his mouth. The metallic taste. He was begging them to stop. He’d never begged so earnestly to STRIKE before. He'd have done anything STRIKE wanted. He’d have let STRIKE cut him instead.
What the fuck?
Commander came in late that day.
Chill Brock, they’re just having some fun.
He suddenly remembers Rollins was also there. Rollins always had a passion for torturing him. Rollins grinned, leaning against the door.
It’s a fucking dog. Grab someone from the holding cell if you want some fucking fun.
Rollins whispered something to the commander. He couldn’t hear it. He was trapped in mega cuffs, struggling against the bonds, but he couldn’t get out. It was like Steve holding him down on that gurney.
Let that fucker do it himself next time, you got it?
Rollins made a face and nodded.
The world is a cruel place, Soldier. I can shield you from such heartbreak in the future. You need Hydra to take care of you. Within Hydra, you can find protection, and power.
Pierce told him that after STRIKE sent him back. He never asked for anything alive after that. He learned to be careful about what he asked for. Pierce never refused him when he asked to see his commander.
Steve doesn’t even give him that.
“Bucky, do you remember what he did to you?”
He nods, but Steve isn’t gonna trust him anyways.
Let’s learn how to be respectful first...
“And you don’t…you don’t hate him?”
Oh. So Steve is still mad about what he said yesterday. He can tell when Steve is being sarcastic. He is smarter than Steve gives him credit for. He said he hates Steve, but such feelings towards a handler is misguided. His handler takes care of him. He should be grateful to his handlers.
He knows the punishment can’t be this simple. Steve may have taken his arm, but he knows that it isn’t enough. He disrespected his handler. Of course Steve will come up with something else to punish him. Why did he even say that the day before?
We've got some pretty creative ideas for how to use you....
Steve sets a trap and he jumps right into it. Why would Steve give him anything before he finishes his punishment?
He doesn’t have any other choice now. He has to let Steve know that he has realized his mistake.
Keep your legs open. Do I have to teach you everything…
He gets out of bed, walks over to Steve, and kneels in front of him.
Open wide, Winter. I've got something special for you, and I think you're going to like it...
It’s not going to be too hard, he reassures himself. Steve doesn’t smoke, so he doesn’t have to worry about choking or swallowing anything. Steve isn’t interested in his blood, so he probably doesn’t need to lick anything sharp. Steve doesn’t seem to mind where he looks at, so maybe he can keep his eyes shut the whole time. It’s always easier if he doesn’t have to see.
If you look at me like that again I will gouge your eyes out…
“Bucky?” Steve voice is so gentle. He never realized how much Steve's voice makes him feel warm and hazy.
If he thinks about it that way, Steve is actually like Pierce a lot. Pierce never got angry with him. Pierce would explain to him patiently in a soothing voice. Pierce didn’t smoke, rarely drank. Pierce liked his long hair. Pierce said he liked something to hold onto. Steve said he liked his hair. Steve looks like Pierce. The same limpid dreamingly blue eyes and short, smooth, blonde hair. Pierce was younger. Sometimes he confuses Steve with Pierce.
Oh he puts on quite a show. It's almost like he enjoys being used....
“No…No, Bucky, get up” Steve has tears in his eyes.
Why is Steve still pretending? He’s learned his place. He’s ready for whatever Steve wants to do to him. Does Steve want him to beg for it? Some STRIKE members loved to humiliate him like that.
Tell me how much you want it...
Maybe Steve would want him to actively participate instead of drifting away. Now that he only has one arm, it will be harder to keep balance, but he can get through it.
You can choose. What punishment do you think you deserve?
Those are the worst handlers. He doesn’t know the correct answer. If he chooses wrong, they might punish him for that too. Steve loves to play innocent. Steve is like a snake, lurking in the shadows waiting for a chance to pounce.
You see these pliers? How about we pull out your teeth and have a little fun? You don't really need them anyways....
He knows why Steve still keeps him around even though Steve doesn’t like him. He knows what Steve wants from him. The way Steve looks at him all the time, the way Steve licks his lips talking to him, the way Steve swallows when he undresses. Steve's subtle gestures when their eyes met. It’s too obvious. But Steve never orders him to do anything. Steve just puts him in a position where he has to offer to do it himself. Steve is one of those worst handlers. How could he confuse Steve with Pierce?
He doesn’t need Steve to like him. All he had to do was please Steve well enough to avoid punishment. What does Steve want to hear?
Please let me make it up to you I promise I'll make it worth your while use me however you want PleasePleasePlease
Steve suddenly kneels, his hands trembling and cold on his shoulder.
“You can see him tomorrow.”
This is the first time he sees Rumlow after the Triskelion fell. It still surprises him when he sees Rumlow’s scars.
Rumlow is laying on on the hospital bed, casually tossing a crumpled paper ball into the air and catching it. “I think I look pretty good all things considered.”
“What did you do to Bucky?”
“What the fuck is a Bucky?”
It takes all his self-control not to bash his skull right in. “Don’t. Rumlow, you are only alive right now because Bucky wants you to.”
“Huh.” Rumlow sounds genuinely interested. “You care about that thing so much? I didn’t know Captain America had a thing for the fist of Hydra.”
He deliberately maintains a safe distance from the bed. He’s not sure what he’d do if he gets too close.
Rumlow stands, “You know, there were rumors in Hydra. I didn’t believe it at first, but now you’re really making me wonder. You a faggot, Steve?”
He feels his muscles tense.
This is for Bucky. Don’t kill him.
“Choose your next word very carefully, Rumlow.”
Rumlow snorts; one side of his mouth crooks, “I thought you have the winter soldier file. You still seem pretty helpless without me.”
“Bucky wants to see you.” his voice strains.
“Bucky wants to see me?” Rumlow chuckles, “No, I’m not…”
Steve turns sideways to let Bucky walk in the room. When seeing Bucky entering, Rumlow doesn’t seem so amused anymore, a flicker of uncertainty. He looks back at Steve and slowly licks his front teeth.
“Commander.”
Bucky’s voice is soft, almost affectionate, too different from the way Bucky talks to him.
It only takes a minute for that smug look to return on Rumlow’s face.
Rumlow whistles sharply and Bucky moves with an almost mechanical obedience, his eyes fixing at the ground in front of him.
“That’s my good boy.” Rumlow reaches out to stroke Bucky's hair.
He’s gonna kill Rumlow. He kicks down the IV poles stand near the door, “You son of a…”
Before he can finish his sentence, Bucky flinches.
Bucky flinches and takes a step back to hide behind Rumlow.
Bucky is scared of him.
He can hear the sound of his heart ripping in half.
“Aww.” Rumlow smirks, “Looks like you’re not that different from us after all.”
He stands still and trembles as he reaches over, “Bucky? Bucky, we can leave right now.”
Bucky hesitates, his movements tentative as he slowly emerges from behind Rumlow, his gaze pleading with him.
“I...I’ll wait for you outside, Bucky.” He chokes out, “Rumlow, if you lay a hand on him…”
“Don’t worry Cap. I know how to take care of him.”