Chapter 2
It’s been three days since they moved into the Avengers Tower. Steve has turned down all field missions, business parties, and charity events for the past three days, focusing solely on Bucky's recovery. He deliberately avoids anyone from the government and only answers phone calls from potential lawyers, and Steve was careful, almost too subtle, when discussing with these legal representatives.
Besides reading stacks of winter soldier files and taking care of Bucky full time, he literally doesn’t do anything else. It’s been hard for him to eat or fall asleep these days. Telling Bucky that he couldn't leave the tower, even for his own safety, feels like a betrayal. He knows it was necessary but that doesn’t make it any easier to bear. He feels like he’s keeping Bucky a prisoner. He feels even worse when Bucky obediently replied with a simple "Yes, Steve," like he's giving orders in the army.
Bucky’s condition is much worse than what he originally thought. Three days ago, only after Bucky threw up after Bucky forced down a whole plate of pasta did he realize that Bucky can't consume solid food. Now he is gradually transitioning Bucky from intravenous feeding to nutritional supplements. And then, just two days ago, Steve discovered the extent of Bucky's dehydration. Bucky had not drunk any water. He had to tell Bucky to drink whenever he feels thirsty, but Bucky still looks pale and feeble.
Desperation drove him to desperate measures. He scoured the city for medical professionals he could trust and found a general practitioner and two specialists. He made them sign NDA and swear on their life, and then he offered them everything he had left in his bank account, which was not a lot left after he donated all his military back-pay to some equality and children’s funds. He didn’t even care about ethics anymore; all that mattered was Bucky's health. He was willing to give up everything he has.
Bucky is always so quiet and never initiates conversations with him. It seems like no matter what he does or says, Bucky remains distant. Whenever he moves, Bucky follows him around, and when he sits down, Bucky just stands there staring at him. The last time he told Bucky to do whatever he wants in the tower, Bucky immediately had a panic attack. He had no idea what triggered him, so he became increasingly careful with his words. But until now, all he could do is to offer his silent support.
He’s been reading the winter soldier files all morning. Electroconvulsive therapy, forced psychotropic medication, sensory deprivation, waterboarding, extreme temperature exposure. Repeated cryopreservation. He is so angry he is trembling all over. He wants to tear every Hydra member to pieces and make them beg for forgiveness. Everyone he worked with. Everyone he knew. Everyone standing shoulder to shoulder with him on the battlefield, sharing drinks with him after missions. Alexander Pierce, Jasper Sitwell, Jack Rollins, Mitchell Carson, Mark Smith, STRIKE, SHIELD. He didn’t track them down after the Triskelion fell. If they died, it’d have been too easy for them. But he knows one of them is still alive.
You're living in a dream world, Cap. Someone's gotta do it...
Every word on the file makes him sick. Attitude adjustment, obedience training, reinforcement sessions. What the fuck do those mean? Those words appear repeatedly on multiple dates, and whenever documenting something like that, they never put down the details. Bile rises in his throat.
They tortured him. They tortured him for 70 years and he knew. One specific person still alive and well. One person that he once trusted so much. He once thought he met his modern howling commando.
But, you know, I couldn’t really think with my cock in her mouth…
Oh god, no, Rumlow, I don’t need to know about that!
“He is not a commander, Bucky.” He said to him, “He is a Hydra criminal. He hurt you and he will pay for it.”
Bucky was confused, murmuring “He didn’t hurt me.”
It was the only thing he refused Bucky. He couldn't stand it. Bucky still calls him commander and even wants to see him—the one person responsible for and participated in his torture without a shred of remorse.
I take care of my men, Steve. I make sure they come home alive. If that means getting my hands dirty, so be it...
Then he hears the sound of glass breaking in the room next door.
Bucky.
When he rushes into Bucky’s room, his heart pounds in his chest as he takes in the scene before him. Bucky is holding a shard of glass with his right hand to cut into his left shoulder, leaving trails of bright red blood staining the bed and floor.
“No, Bucky,” Steve's voice cracks with desperation as he moves forward, his instincts kicking in as he reaches out to catch Bucky's wrist. “Give it to me.”
“Bucky, please,” His voice is raw. He tries to pry the glass from Bucky's grasp. But Bucky's grip only tightens, the glass digging into Steve's own hand, drawing blood.
“Please let go” Steve begs.
Bucky holds a cold, distant glare. It is as if he doesn’t recognize him, as if he is looking at a stranger.
“I hate you!”
The Asset lays on the mattress. The asset hasn’t slept for three days, his mind heavy with exhaustion. He is given a room, a mattress that is too soft and seems to swallow him, a bathroom, and an artificial intelligence that monitors him 24/7. His handler lives next door. Steve likes to do that. To monitor the asset himself. He liked to do that 70 years ago. Back then, they had lived in the same tent.
I've been nothing but kind to you. Gave you a roof over your head, food in your belly. All I want is a little gratitude. Is that too hard to give?
Steve is the worst handler he’s ever had. Steve never tells him the rules. Steve never gives explicit orders. His commander used to sometimes allow him to figure out what he did wrong himself, and then make him think of a way to correct them. But his commander is nice. Steve is not nice. His commander would tell him what he liked and would reward him if he did good. Steve just waits for him to make a mistake and then punishes him for it.
You may not understand it now, soldier, but everything I do is for your own good. One day, you'll thank me for it...
Pierce cared about him. Pierce would always lay out what was expected of him and the consequences of failure. Even when Pierce had to punish him, there was always a purpose to it. He could always learn something when Pierce punished him.
It hurts me more than it hurts you…
Pierce would say that. Pierce’s punishments were meant to teach. And he knew it, so he would be better. He didn’t want to disappoint Pierce. But Steve is different. Steve doesn’t care about him. He doesn’t know why Steve punishes him. Steve just likes to do it for fun.
It doesn't matter how they treat you. Loyalty is about duty...
He is not supposed to compare his handlers, but he secretly does. He likes his commander more than anyone. His commander is the only one who is kind to him. Perhaps it is this connection that Steve fears, so Steve doesn’t allow him to see his commander anymore. His commander talks to him softly and touches him gently like he means it. Unlike Steve, who acts sweet to him just to make him relax his vigilance so he can punish him.
You may not always agree with his methods, Soldier, but Karpov was your handler. Show him the respect. Regardless of whether he deserves it or not...
He can’t decide how and why his handlers punish him, but Steve’s punishments are so random. Each day seems to bring a new form of torment, leaving him on edge and constantly wary of what Steve would do next. The first two days were the worst; One moment, Steve would withhold essential supplies, and the next, he would force-feed him. Steve didn’t give him food to keep him operating the first two days. Then Steve made him eat things. He tried his best but he was unable to keep them down, and then Steve threatened to send him to doctors. Steve might tell the doctors to cut him open. They did that before. Steve told him to drink water whenever he wants. He even knew where Steve was going with that, denying him permission to use the bathroom and then punishing him for failing to comply. He wasn’t stupid. He wasn’t going to fall for Steve’s trap. He drank only what was necessary to survive, and he sneaked to the bathroom whenever Steve's attention waned.
You'd think someone like Barnes, with his reputation, would be harder to control....
As he trailed behind Steve, he noted the flicker of irritation in his eyes. If Steve didn’t need his protection or didn’t want to show off his obedience, why not put him back to cryo? He thought Steve might want to share him with his friends. Pierce loved to share him with his friends. Despite his best efforts to please Steve, it seemed as though nothing he did could satisfy him. Steve doesn’t give him missions. Steve doesn’t allow him to see his commander. He is starting to feel like Steve just hates him. Or Steve is a particularly cruel person. Steve just likes to see him suffer.
Oh no, all it took was a little persuasion. You should have seen the way he begged for more last night....
Steve showed him a video of them in World War II one day ago. He was captured and Zola did some experiments on him. He didn’t remember everything, but he knew why Steve showed him that video. It was a tactic straight out of STRIKE's playbook. When STRIKE showed him a video, it was usually telling him what they did or what they planned to do to him. And it had worked in the past; he would do anything they asked him to after seeing it. Rollins said he was always more obedient and more eager to please after they showed him something graphic.
Hey Asset! You know who that is?
Everyone was laughing as the video played on the screen.
Why are you spreading your legs like that huh?
He was gaging on all fours, breathing hard and his body spasming violently in that video. Someone must have recorded it last time, probably Rollins.
Jack, give him a break...
Commander. The commander was also holding back a laugh. He didn’t remember the video. But if the commander was laughing, then it must be good. He turned back and smiled a little at the commander.
Fucking dumb bitch can’t even recognize himself…
They laughed again. Commander also laughed. Commander petted his hair. He was good. He knew the game – play along, and maybe they'll reward him.
He didn’t want to give Steve that satisfaction. He didn’t want to let Steve think he was scared because of it. But ultimately, he would do whatever it took to please Steve. If Steve's happy, Steve might allow him to see his commander. If Steve wanted to replicate whatever Zola had done to him on that video, he could get through it. If Steve wanted him to get on his knees and beg, he would do it. If Steve just liked to see him in pain, he would do that for him too.
“Do you remember this Bucky?” Steve paused the video, freezing the screen on a picture of them together in the 1940s. The asset was laughing with Steve.
Of course he was happy then. He only had one handler at that time, blissfully unaware of what other handlers were like.
“Yes, Steve.” He rolled his eyes when he was sure Steve wasn’t looking at him. It was worth the risk.
“You remember where we were?” Steve asked.
A test. Another Steve’s favorite game. Steve always asked irrelevant things. It was a great way to lead to punishment. Steve was smart like that. He had to come up with something.
“Umm…Europe?”
“Yeah but where in Europe? Do you remember what we did before this?”
He had enough. If Steve really wanted to punish him, he didn’t need to find so many excuses.
Maybe it was intentional. If he accidentally said something wrong, Steve could easily justify punishing him for having a "bad attitude." Pierce said a bad attitude was a more serious problem than making a mistake. It can result in greater punishment.
You talk how I want you to talk…
He licked his lips, his mind racing. “Italy.” he took a guess, his voice betraying a hint of uncertainty, “We were…in a fight.”
Steve sighed. Disappointment. The Asset could sense it. He probably answered it wrong, but he hadn’t lie. He remembered Steve, that much was true. He even remembered Zola. If Steve accused him of lying, he could explain. He just didn’t remember the specifics.
Steve turned off the video. Everything happened after that was a blur. He was too worried about the possible punishments.
You think I enjoy this, Soldier? Do you have any idea the pressure I'm under? The responsibility I bear? If I don't keep you in line, then what? Chaos. And who will suffer the consequences? Not me, Barnes. It'll be innocent people, good people....
He is lying on his bed again, feigning sleep. He isn’t sure how long has passed since he watched the video with Steve together. Steve ordered him to sleep but he can’t. He can pretend he's slept and mimic the rhythmic rise and fall of breath.
Each bone, one by one. Don’t worry, Dr. Sharma will be along shortly to patch you up. And who knows, if you still haven't learned your lesson, maybe we'll start all over...
Maybe Steve is waiting for him to fall asleep. If he let his guard down, Steve might do something to him when he’s asleep. He doesn’t want to wake up with something in his throat. It didn’t feel good last time.
Or should he ask for his punishment? Maybe the longer he waits, the harsher the punishment will be.
Pierce preferred it when the Asset asked for his punishment. If he were sincere enough, sometimes Pierce would go easy on him. Would Steve go easy on him? He doesn’t think so. Pierce never liked violence, but Steve does. Steve uses violence all the time. Steve will find every opportunity and excuse to punish him.
Why does Steve hate him so much? He was taken by Hydra. It wasn’t his fault. He knows Steve hates Hydra. Steve made that clear in their conversations. Is that why Steve likes to punish him?
Maybe he reminds Steve of Hydra. Sometimes Steve reminds him of Pierce. He often compares Steve with Pierce. So that’s why. Steve punishes him for no reason because he was Hydra. Because the Asset represented everything he despised. He still has Hydra’s arm on him. He knows now. He knows how to solve all his problems.
He tries to take his arm off, but it’s connected to his body. His left shoulder still has those ugly scars. If he can’t remove his metal arm, Steve won’t like him. If Steve doesn’t like him, Steve will never allow him to see his commander. He wants to be good for Steve. He was willing to do anything to gain Steve's approval.
Is that how you treat hydra’s gift…
Searing pain shot through his shoulder. He bites back a cry.
He has to do this for his handler. He has to do this for Steve. He can cut his arm off.
He sees the glass of water Steve leaves beside his bed. He will be quick, and his arm will be gone before anyone stops him.
You make one more sound without my permission…
He rolls up the blanket and bites it in his mouth.
I will pour this down your throat next...
It hurts It hurts It hurts….
There’s blood everywhere. Pierce always hated his blood.
Do you know how much this suit costs…
He can lick his room clean later if that makes Steve happy.
The world blurs around him as blood pools beneath him. He begins to see some white spots. Everything makes him dizzy. Someone is calling his name.
No. Let go. A direct order.
There’s blood on Pierce's hand. Did he hurt his handler?
He didn’t mean to.
Yet here you are, still clinging to the hope that he'll come riding in on his white horse to save you....
He turns to look at his left arm. It’s still there. He fails again.
Let me enlighten you, Barnes. Rogers won't lift a finger to help you
Why does Steve always have to push him like this? Steve forced him to remember on that helicarrier. Steve forced him to finish his mission.
Why is Steve doing this to him? He almost made it. He is trying, desperately trying, to be good for Steve.
Steve just won’t let him do anything.
Your loyalty to Rogers is admirable, Barnes, I'll give you that.
Amidst the pain and confusion, one thought burns brightly in his mind.
“I hate you!”