Name that Team

"Aw," an unfamiliar voice said, "That's sweet. Personally, I prefer Prophylactics. Remember accidents cause people! And people like me cause... non-accidents."

Everyone turned, jumped, yelped, or otherwise expressed startlement at the sudden, unexplained, appearance of a man wearing red and black spandex, liberally loaded with an assortment of weapons, including a pair of katanas whose handles stuck up over his back. Happy said, "What?"

Pepper looked at Tony who shook his head. Rhodey popped the top off the bottle of his headache pills, a special prescription made by his doctor, who had met Tony and realized sometimes acetaminophen just can't cut it. He poured a glass of water and took two pills. "You're going to be sorry you asked," he muttered.

Peter said, "Is that, like evil Spider-man from another universe?"

The new guy pointed a finger at Peter. "You haven't been in that movie, yet!"

"Oh, sorry," Peter said.

"It's fine, the author is feeling particularly weird today, so you can KNOW stuff you can't know! I'm Deadpool! And you... you're just a perfect cinnamon roll. Listen to your dad and maybe you can avoid that movie. It really sucked for you." Deadpool pulled up a chair, which hadn't been there a moment ago, flipped it backwards and sat down. "So, now you're looking for recruits for the Prophylactics!"

Tony closed his eyes for a moment and took a long deep sigh. "Well, I guess we have to start somewhere."

"There's this guy down in Hell's Kitchen you ought to ask. He has a great suit, too! Me and him and Spidey, we could be Team Red!" Deadpool said, enthusiastically. "Hell guy likes beating the crap out of people, and I'm really good at unaliving them, so add in Spidey-Pie, Mr. Catch and Release, we've got all bases covered."

Pepper held up her notepad. "NO, DEADPOOL!!"

"You have beautiful handwriting," Deadpool said, "and so fast! Look I get that you're all protective of Spiderbaby, who wouldn't be? I promise not to lay a finger on his gorgeous jailbite ass." Deadpool put a bag on the table, and started pulling out food.

"You mean 'Jailbait'," Happy said.

Deadpool's eyemask gave the impression of a semi-innocent raise. "Oh, sure, that too. Here you go, Spidey, squished flat just the way you like." He held out a sandwich to Peter, who reached for it. "And warm! I sat on it all the way here."

Peter pulled his hand back. "Ewww. No thanks, Mr. Pool."

"Eh, more for me." Deadpool rolled up the bottom of his mask, and started eating. "Don't worry about the pizza face. Totally non-contagious. Probably."

"Does it hurt?" Spidey asked.

"Only when I laugh! Hahahahaha. Ow."

Tony cleared his throat.

Pepper gave him an eye roll.

"Yeah, ok," Tony said. "Look, we're just starting to figure out the recruitment procedures. Why don't you just... leave a resume, and we'll get back to you."

"Resume? I don't have a resume.... I have something better! Maybe?" Deadpool made motions as if he was looking through his pockets, but his suit didn't seem to have any pockets. "LOOK! First in the SCavenger hunt!" Deadpool put a little flat sided clear plastic container on the table. "Uncle Milton's Ant Farm! Break Resistant and Escape Proof!" Deadpool tapped at the container. Antman was clinging to a plastic drinking straw inside it. "I know, you don't get many points for an ant, but I didn't want anyone to get in ahead of me!"

Peter leaned in to peer at Antman. "Is he all right in there?"

"I gave him a donut crumb. He's fine."

Tony blinked. He looked at Antman, then at Deadpool. And then he looked around the table. "Ok, five points for the ant, and...any objections to Deadpool joining team whatever the hell we wind up calling it."

"No offense," Happy said, "But this guy's not rowing with both oars, if you know what I mean."

Deadpool made a kissy noise. "Aww, that's the sweetest way I've ever been called nuts. I guess that's why they call you Happy."

Happy rolled his eyes.

Peter was fascinated by Antman, who was now making hand gestures indicating his annoyance.

Rhodey said, "I don't know... we have a reputation..."

"And I am disreputable," Deadpool said. His entire mask went all frowny face. "I make sexy jokes and kill my enemies instead of arresting them, but you know, I'm a vigilante, I CAN'T arrest them, and if I TRY turning them over to the cops, it's not official and they let them go! I went back in time to check, and they ALWAYS let them GO."

Pepper sat up suddenly. Tony looked at her. She nodded.

"You can go back in time?" Tony asked.

"Uh huh! I swiped Cable's Time Travel device, and Negasonic Teenage Warhead..."

"Fuck," Tony said, "that's the best superhero name, yet."

"Right! I know!" Deadpool said, "Well, she repaired it, and I went back and saved my girlfriend... fiancée, wife... I'm not sure right now..."

"You went back in time and changed it and didn't destroy the universe?" Rhodey said.

Tony looked at Rhodey. Then at Rhodey's wheelchair. "I want a show of hands. Who wants Deadpool and his past mistake, life-changing, time travel device on our team?"

Deadpool's mask grinned as everyone's hands shot up. "YAY, I AM A PROPHYLACTIC!"

Pepper held up her notepad. "NO, TONY, YOU CANNOT MAKE CAPTAIN CONDOM PSAs".

Tony smirked.