Chapter 3
"So," Tony said, "You think you're ready to bone. Captain Condom is here for you on behalf of the Prophylactics!" He stood with his legs widespread and his hands framing his groin, chest out and proud. He was wearing a skintight Lycra bodysuit in US flag blue with a stylized bright red sperm entering a white egg circle, neatly centered on his chest. He was also wearing a blue condom shaped helmet with white wings on the sides.
"Tony no," Pepper said off camera.
"Shush, you used up your veto on 'Badassium', Pep." Tony grinned. He turned a chair around and sat down, straddling in the most ridiculously macho way ever. "I'm sure your friends have told you all they know or guess or imagine about sex. They may even have had some of it right! And probably your school showed you a few biology lessons, but let's get real, you fell asleep two minutes into the lecture.
"No one has EVER accused me of being boring! So, I'm going to tell you the biggest secret of all about sex." Tony leaned forward. "It's not about you experiencing orgasm. It's about making a connection with another person. Everyone involved must be adult, fully informed, and enthusiastic. Anything less is a no. Go home and read porn if you have physical needs. Remember the safest hands are your own!
"No always means no. If you've been having consensual sex with someone for years and one day they say 'no', it's no. If your spouse turns to you one night and says 'no', it means no. If a paid sex worker says 'no', it means no. 'Maybe' means 'no'. Hesitation means 'no'. Moving away from you means 'no'.
"You're all excited and they say 'no'. It means 'no'. They were enthusiastic at first, but change their mind. 'No' means 'no'.
"You listen, and you stop. And you don't make them feel guilty or that they owe you anything. Later, much later, when you're both, all, calm, you can ask what happened. And accept whatever they say, or even if they say they don't know.
"That makes it sound like you have no control. Well, guess what? You don't get to control another person. And neither do they. If you're a big, tough guy, and a small woman makes demands you don't want, you can say 'No'. Yes, some women will try to manipulate, with tears or even threats that they'll destroy your reputation, make people laugh at you. Sometimes saying 'no' is the hardest thing, but letting yourself be used, or becoming a user, is worse."
Tony blew out a breath. "Ok, that ran on a bit. Yes, Iron Man has been used and manipulated, in bed and out of it. It's not fun. Sometimes I should have said 'no' but I didn't because I thought it was for the better in the long run. It never was. It only gets worse. SO... onto the fun parts..."
Tony held up a banana. "This is a Cavendish banana, the commonest kind sold in the US, due to a disease back in... I dunno... the 1940's... that wiped out the Gros Michel. Some people complain that the old things were better. Nah." Tony held up a condom. "You always want to check the expiration dates."
Deadpool leaned into view. "Protect your banana!"
Behind the camera, Spiderman groaned.
Tony rolled his eyes and pushed at Deadpool. "Open the package carefully. Follow the directions. Know the symptoms of latex allergy! Depending on the particular sex act, you may want to use a dental dam or other barriers to disease. Be an informed sex partner!" Tony carefully wrapped the banana in the condom, pinching the tip to create a sperm reservoir. "Check the size! Condoms aren't one size fits all."
"Loose lips sink ships!" Deadpool said.
Tony pointed a finger at him. "They generally come in 'snug', 'standard' and 'large', but nothing beats having an accurate measurement. People who possess vaginas have the option to use an internal condom which..." Tony grinned and said, "Can be amazing for both parties. Just remember, don't use both types of condom at once.
"Lube is always a good thing. Slip and slide is fun. Hang onto the base of the condom afterward, and pull out carefully. Toss it in the trash. It's definitely not recyclable! Be kind to Mother Earth and don't let your plastic fly free. Death by condom is very sad."
"All right," Pepper said, "You've had your fun, but really, we can't show that in public."
"OOps," Peter said. "I may have accidentally live-streamed that..."
"Well, I'm sure not that many people follow you, Peter, you can delete it and explain to your friends that it was just a joke," Pepper said.
"OOps," Friday said. "I may have accidentally posted it to Boss's youtube."
Happy said, "Could be worse, I mean... you know what kind of videos are already on there. No one will even notice."
"And," Friday said, "I may have also accidentally posted it to the Wakandan internal servers."
Rhodey pulled a stern face. He said, "Accidentally, Friday?" before he started laughing.
Tony began giggling.
Deadpool said, "I wish I could see Captain Dickhead's face."
Tony laughed so hard he got hiccups. He took off his condom helmet and breathed into it. "Hic.. Captain... hic... Dick... head...hic..."