Name that Team

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

"All right," Tony said. "Time to bring this meeting to order." He looked around the table full of snacks and the people gathered around: Happy, Peter, Pepper and Rhodey in his wheelchair. "All present and accounted for."

Pepper held up a hand and pointed to her throat.

"Yes, I know you have laryngitis," Tony said. "I guess that means you won't be able to veto anything." He smiled.

Pepper frowned.

Rhodey cleared his throat. "You said this was going to be about the Avengers. What happened when you went after Rogers and Barnes?"

"What happens in Siberia stays in Siberia," Tony said. "I don't give a shit about them any more. Call me Honey Badger."

Peter raised his hand.

Tony rolled his eyes. "You don't have to do that, kid. What?"

"I'm not an Avenger, so should I even be here?" Peter asked.

"Nobody is an Avenger," Tony replied. "It was a stupid name anyway. What the hell were we avenging? Fury pulled that name out of his ass."

"We shouldn't speak ill of the dead," Peter remarked.

"Hah. Speak Old Nick's name and he shall appear. And WHEN he does appear, Peter, you tell him NO. I know how he works, he'll tell you he doesn't need you, but at the same time he'll demand you help him because you CAN. And then he'll stick you with some guy who's all perfect on paper, but he'll stab you in the back and get you to take the blame for his screw ups."

Peter blinked. "Really? Mr. Fury is that bad?"

"Worse," Tony said. "But don't worry, you won't see him for a while. He's spending a year dead for tax reasons.”

"What?" Peter asked, confused.

"Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, kid," Tony said.

"Was that a movie?" Peter asked. "A really old movie?"

Tony looked at Peter in horror. "How... how can you call yourself a nerd and not know Hitchhikers? I may have to disown you."

Happy cleared his throat.

"Don't tell me you're all coming down with Pepper's cold," Tony said. "I told you not to share toothbrushes."

Pepper picked up her notepad and swatted Tony over the head.

Happy said, "Can we just get on with it? I have a... a... somewhere I have to be."

"You're dating May, aren't you?" Tony said. "Take antacids, the walnut date loaf is a killer."

"WHAT?" Peter said. "You can't be dating May!"

"Why can't he?" Tony said. "Happy is a great guy! Solid, gainfully employed and more of a gentleman than I am."

Peter said, "Yeah, but I didn't know I'd need to write a shovel speech!" He turned to Happy and waggled a finger. "BE NICE TO MAY."

Happy waited a moment. "That's it?"

Peter shrugged.

Rhodey sighed and put his face between his steepled fingers. "I still have P.T. today, so I agree with Happy. Whatever we're here for, can we just do it?"

"Ok," Tony said. "I let myself get sidetracked. The point of this game is... NAME THAT TEAM. When the bad guys come for us-- and they will! We need to be ready. We need to be proactive. 'Avengers' sends the wrong message."

"Oh, oh, Boss," Friday chirped up. "I have the perfect name! The Prophylactics! Prophylactic: A preventive measure. The word comes from the Greek for 'an advance guard'."

There was silence for a moment. Then Tony said, "You know, that's not all bad. Villains show up, we introduce ourselves, and while they're laughing, we blast them."

Pepper turned her notepad around to show large, black letters spelling out, "TONY, NO!"

"The Bouncers," Happy suggested. "What? We're talking aliens, we want to bounce them, right?"

"Um," Peter said, "How about 'Heroes'. Sorry, Mr. Hogan, but if you bounce them they could come back?"

Tony shook his head. "Nah, I'm not a hero, and besides, it's too vague. There's a book and a TV series, a couple movies and even a rock band. No, we need something that's unique, and US."

"How about Fight Club?" Happy said.

"Not bad," Tony said after a moment. "Only... what's the first rule of Fight Club?"

Happy scowled. "You do not talk about Fight Club."

"Yeah, that makes recruitment difficult," Tony said.

"Recruitment?" Rhodey asked. "Tony, I'm willing to play along here, but you're talking about a privately financed vigilante group."

Tony opened his eyes wide. "Yes? You have a point?"

Rhodey shrugged. "Yeah, ok, I know, we have bad examples with SHIELD and the Avengers getting away with literal murder, but even if we could get away with it, that's not what either of us want. I wanted to fold Iron Man into the existing military structure. You wanted a clear chain of accountability. That was doable when it was just YOU, blasting your own stolen weapons and messing up terrorists in no-man's zones and keeping the collateral damage to the bare minimum, so everyone overlooked it, but you can't run a group like that, and not wind up turning into the villains you're fighting."

Tony blinked. "Everyone who wants Rhodey to be the commander, raise their hand!"

Hands went up all around the table.

"Ok, great," Tony said, "and now I have the perfect name! Honey Bear and the Badgers!"