Chapter 1
Patroclus is no relationship expert by any means. There was Kristina Tunison in third grade. She played football with the boys during recess, and was kind enough to share her dad's chocolate muffins with him when he had a bad day. They lasted three whole weeks, shared one mostly accidental kiss on the cheek, and held hands twice, before she left him for a fourth grader named Jason who could play Happy Birthday on the piano.
Then there was Daniella Smith in seventh grade. They managed to make it to the four month mark, shared a hand full of awkward closed mouth kisses, and then called it quits over the summer. They actually never really broke up, they just came back after the holidays and, well, acted like they didn't know each other. It was a very seventh grade thing to do.
After a couple of make-out sessions at sixteen with Jamie Lindon, who was a girl, but mostly dressed and acted rather masculine, he was finally able to admit that he wasn't as attracted to girls as he initially thought.
Niccolò Cal Velentine, a bisexual exchange student from Italy, crashed into Patroclus life when he was seventeen, and quickly evaporated the last bit of doubt he still harbored about his sexuality. Their love affair was tumultuous, passionate, exciting, and way too short for Patroclus' liking. Niccolò went back to Milan after the eleventh grade, leaving behind a heartbroken boy and a dark blue leather jacket that was a little bit too big on Patroclus.
He went on a couple dates during his first year of college with guys he can barely remember the names of. There was one who let him wait at a coffee shop for thirty minutes because he simply forgot about their (first and last) date, one who bored him to death, one who wouldn't stop talking about axolotls, and one who, much to Patroclus complete and utter mortification, did not know that their 'hang out' was a date. He swore off of dating after that one.
Briseis tried several times to convince him how unhealthy it is to not even give someone a chance, and instead becoming a 'strange little hermit'. But in Patroclus' books it worked out quite well. On his nineteenth birthday, during a late-night celebration in a new club, some guy wouldn't stop hitting on him. A year prior Patroclus would've given him the time of day without hesitation; He was tall and blond with gorgeous expressive eyes. But the new Patroclus was done with dating and just set on getting rid of the man. While talking over Patroclus' third 'no' of the night, the bartender, a knight in shining armor, Patroclus' future best friend and platonic soulmate, swooped in to save the day, or rather the night, and told that creep to get lost. That's how he had met Achilles, and through him also Odysseus, Diomedes, Ajax, Penelope and Clytemnestra.
He swore off of dating but gained an amazing group of friends as a result. So the lack of dating or rather relationship experience never really bothered him. Not until Briseis met her new boyfriend. A tall, lanky dude named Harris, with chaotic, mousy blond hair, and a concerning affinity for track suits.
Patroclus wasn't sure what to think of him, but Briseis seemed happy enough, so he let his initial reaction slide and tried to stay out of her business. The problem was that this weird gut feeling just wouldn't leave, and Patroclus seemed to cringe every time he witnessed an interaction between the two of them. After almost a month he had wanted to say something several times, but a gnawing voice in his head reminded him that he didn't know anything about relationships, and therefore had no right to question other people's dating habits.
It didn't stop him from overthinking it though. It was on his mind during his classes, while he was doing the dishes, his morning runs with Clytemnestra, or while doing something simple like walking through a door, forgetting it was one to pull, and crashing face-first into it.
"Holy shit, Pat!" A familiar voice from inside yells, and Patroclus can watch in complete humiliation as the owner of said voice rounds the counter, and rushes to the entrance to help him up from the floor.
"Hey, Hay!" Patroclus greets her like he didn't just walk into a glass door like an idiot.
"Are you alright?" She asks, carefully touching his nose. "Where the fuck are your thoughts today? It's not like it's your first time here!"
"Yeah I know," Patroclus mutters, swatting her hand away and then following her inside, where the staff-only door flies open before he can say anything else, and Hay's boss marches out.
"What on god's green earth is going on out here?" Frank demands to know. "Are we being robbed?"
"No." Hay laughs, and Patroclus can already feel his face heating up uncomfortably. "Pat here forgot the difference between push and pull."
"What?" Frank asks perplexed, coming closer to inspect his face. "Why? Patroclus, it's not like you're here for the first time."
"I know." Patroclus whines, taking a step away from them. "We've already established that."
"Then what's going on?" Hay asks, and he hates that he's the reason for the worried look on her face. "You're not having a stroke or some other medical thing, right?"
"No." He laughs. "I was just lost in thought, and suddenly there was a door."
"Well, then," Frank interrupts, turning his back to him. "Miss Hayden, there's something wrong with the goldfish tank. I need you to take a look at that."
Hay gives him an apologetic smile before disappearing into one of the back rooms. Patroclus is already on his way to the dog food aisle when Frank's deep voice calls out to him again.
"And Patroclus?" He yells. "Please refer from walking into, and, or knocking over any shelves or displays."
Patroclus lets out a deep sigh. Frank is a great guy; A bit reserved and rough, but also kind and extremely helpful. When Patroclus moved into town for college and his moving company somehow managed to lose every box containing his dog's stuff - he's still convinced they stole those boxes - he showed up at Frank's Pet Shop ten minutes after closing time on a Saturday, but Frank let him in, and even helped pick out all the necessities without uttering a word of complain. But Frank also loves to tease people he's close to, and ever since a rather sleep-deprived Patroclus accidentally ate dog treats sometime during his first exam period, and then proceeded to vomit in aisle three, Frank sees him as a friend. So he already knows that he won't hear the end of today's little incident.
He sighs again, and takes a huge bag of his dog's favorite food from the shelve, grabs some extra treats even though he's sure there's still plenty of it at home, and makes his way back to the check out, where Hay is already waiting for him.
"You saved the goldfish?" Patroclus asks grinning, hoping to avoid any further questions about walking into doors.
"It wasn't a water-pump problem as much as a someone-" She throws a very pointed look to where Frank is sorting through cat leashes. "Unplugged the water-pump problem."
"Damn." Patroclus laughs. "Looks like I'm not the only one off my game today."
Way to evade questions, Patroclus thinks, mentally kicking himself for not controlling the words that leave his mouth.
"Any particular thing you were daydreaming about?" Hay instantly teases while putting the dog food in a plastic bag.
"Nah," He laughs. "Just worried I'll be late for a meet-up with Bri and Harris."
Hay hands him the bag and-
No way
She totally pulled a face.
But not at the mention of Briseis, no, only when he said Harris' name.
Hay must notice his stunned silence, or maybe his entire expression is giving him away. Patroclus doesn't know. But she looks sheepish almost instantly.
"Sorry," She mumbles, sorting the money into the cash register and getting his change. "I- I don't know why I made that face. I barely know the guy."
"Yeah, no, I get it." Patroclus murmurs, trying to figure out if this is his change to talk to someone without being judged. "I only ever met him a couple of times too and, well, he's not easy to read I guess?"
Hay's eyes shoot up in an instant. "Very different from Briseis," She adds, gauging his reaction.
"Definitely," He agrees. "A bit peculiar at first."
"An odd pair." She says in an overly nonchalant way, but keeps side-eyeing him. "But it's not my place to judge or comment on."
"No, no..." Patroclus says, but doesn't take a single step toward the exit.
"Of course not." Hay nods vigorously, but there's something in her eyes that doesn't seem to be one hundred percent on board with that statement.
"But," Patroclus thinks out loud, his mind going back to a recent moment he couldn't let go. "If I asked you about a hypothetical situation regarding no one in particular..."
"I guess I could have a thought or two about a made-up scenario," Hay says, rounding the counter to straighten a few boxes of hamster food that don't need any adjustment.
"So..let's say...hypothetically speaking..."
"Of course." Hay encourages, stepping closer as if they were about to share secrets of the highest security level.
"Let's say I would plan to get my nails done," Patroclus wonders out loud. "And I asked my boyfriend which one of two colors he prefers, and he would leave me on read for several hours just to then tell me he doesn't even see a difference between them... Would that - hypothetically speaking - be a bit questionable."
Hay looks appalled, but before she can say anything, the door opens, and - speaking of the devil - Briseis walks in.
"Damn," She greets Patroclus laughing. "Had I known you'd be here today I would've texted you to get some food for Willie. Can you believe I ran out of food for him again? I don't even know where it goes, he's so tiny."
"There's more space in his body because he lacks a heart." Patroclus grumbles, making Hay snort.
"He bit you once." Briseis deadpans. "Quit acting like he's the devil."
"He is the devil." Patroclus corrects her.
"He's a guinea pig." Briseis states, rolling her eyes. "Anyway. What were you two talking about, you looked all intense there for a moment."
"Ehm, I- We-" Patroclus stutters, his brain not coming up with a cover story.
"Talked about his fear of Willie." Hay explains with a grin. "How Pat's always suspicious of his intentions."
Briseis stares at them like they're crazy.
"I told him that he shouldn't lose his mind because one incident." Hay keeps going, adding a lot of humor to her tone.
"Amen." Briseis laughs, elbowing Patroclus in the ribs.
"But," Hay adds, letting a short but meaningful look break through her teasing smiles. "It's always good to keep an eye out for red flags."
"Jeez," Briseis chuckles while paying for the food. "One might think you're talking about a mob boss and not a guinea pig."
They say their goodbyes, and Patroclus follows Briseis out of the pet shop. He's quite unsatisfied about how the conversation between him and Hay ended, but it also gave him an idea. He might not be able to straight up ask other people about Briseis' relationship, but he can always ask hypothetical questions.
It just leaves the question who to ask.
He can't ask Briseis because it's about her, and Diomedes is out because he would simply ask too many follow up questions and get suspicious. Odysseus isn't really a relationship guy, and Clytemnestra's favorite advice to her female friend's is to break up with their boyfriends. He's not that close to Ajax, and Penelope is too invested in everything.
So that leaves Achilles.
A good choice. Great even. They're best friends, and best friends ask each other weird shit all the time. Only yesterday Achilles used his emergency key to walk into Patroclus' flat at eight thirty in the morning, ask him if he'd rather have leg-sized fingers or finger-sized legs, ate one of his apples, drank orange juice straight from the bottle in his fridge, and then left for his morning class before Patroclus was awake enough to even start to think about his question.
The plan is as simple as it is brilliant.
He had never heard anyone complain about Achilles being a bad boyfriend, so he wouldn't just answer without raising questions or concerns, he'd also be a reliable source of information.
It's settled then, Patroclus thinks proudly, the next time he sees Achilles, he's going to ask some hypothetical questions.