The sound of Tony Stark's heart slowly stop beating was something Peter would never forget as he stared with wide, tearful eyes at the form of his dead mentor. The soft noise of Tony's cold hand sliding off Pepper's and landing on the ground would also never leave his mind. Peter's gaze rose up to the billionaire's flaky face and the empty eyes looking back at him reminded him just a bit too much of his uncle Ben's.
Peter breathed heavily in and out, trying to avoid the panic that was clawing it's way to the surface, and he took a few steps back, turning his head away. The realization that Tony Stark was dead, gone, struck Peter all of a sudden. He would never hear his snarky remarks again, he would never have a lab day with him again, he would never get picked up by Happy again to go to the tower again, he would never get scolded because he patrolled too long again and he would never hear his voice again.
No one would, and the realization that that was because of him slowly made it's way up to his brain, sticking there and never letting go. He could have easily snapped as a superhuman. He'd had the gauntlet in his hands, if he had just done something. Anything. Before he could break down in tears, dr. Strange and a whole lot of other magicians and Wakandans sprinted forward to mr. Stark's body.
Chaos ensued.
---
When he next opened his eyes, the familiar view of a Star wars poster greeted him. He was laying on his bed in his room. His head throbbed and a sharp pain spread from his shoulder as he tried to sit up. Slowly, some memories of the fight with Thanos got back to him. He looked to his left, only to immediately regret it. The Tony Stark poster that he had hung there a few years ago slowly morphed into reality. Lively, confident eyes turned into dead ones that stared back at him. A flaky face, a flaky hand, a dying light and a sound. What was that sound? It was fading, rhythmic thudding, what was that? It annoyed him.
'-ter! You're safe, baby. Peter, please. My baby-" A familiar voice whispered, pulling him out of his panic. He could vaguely feel a hand brushing through his hair and another one rubbing his arm. He opened his eyes (when had he closed them?) to see May's face looking back at him. Her eyes were soft and watery, her lips were quirked up in a comforting but somewhat sad smile and her hair was tied in a messy ponytail.
His breaths still came out in shallow pants, but he slowly calmed down as he sat up in his bed. "May? What.. What happened?" He croaked out. The pitying look May gave him didn't reassure him at all. "Peter, sweetie... What do you remember?"
He scrunched his eyes closed in concentration, trying to remember the details of what had happened. He'd woken up in space with dr. Strange after the agonizing pain from before, when he had clung to mr. Stark's arms, but mr. Stark hadn't been there when he woke up. Dr. Strange didn't explain anything except for saying that it had been 5 years and they needed to go. 5 years. That couldn't be true, could it? Then- Then he'd fought and talked to mr. Stark, who had hugged him. Oh my god, he'd hugged Tony Stark! His enthusiasm quickly ebbed down when he remembered what came next. He suddenly understood why he'd just had that panic attack and what that noise had been. It'd been the noise of Tony Stark's heartbeat fading to a stop.
Suddenly feeling nauseous, Peter retched and got sick all over his bed sheets before he had the chance to answer May's question.
-
Tony Stark was mad. He was furious. 5 years. 5 whole years in which he had sobbed, cried and grieved over the kid. When he had discovered time travel after looking at that picture, he thought he'd never live a day in his life without seeing Peter again. He told himself that he'd be there for the kid, watch all the movies he missed in those 5 years with him, introduce him to Morgan, watch him graduate and finally, he would die peacefully before Peter could, who'd carry on his legacy with EDITH.
But of course that didn't happen. Dr. Dickhead and some other doctors had managed to rescue him, save for his right arm. Apparently, dr. Dickwad had seen into the future with his fairy powers and if people knew he was alive, earth would get invaded by a revenge army from Thanos! Oh, just great! Why would they even come for him?
"The universe doesn't grand all answers, as to why it is important we follow her path." Dr. Douche had spoken oh so wisely like the fucking jackass he was. So that meant only Pepper, Morgan, Rhodey and Happy knew he was alive. And dr. Dipstick of course. Also known as dr. Strange, whom Tony hated even more now, if you hadn't noticed yet.
But that left Peter. His bubbly, (thanks to Tony, not so)innocent teenager. Well not his teenager. He doubted Peter even thought of him like that, as a father figure. He'd treated Peter pretty badly before the blip and he'd only realized how much he loved the kid after he was gone. God, he regretted that. Maybe, if he had just told Peter 'I love you' a few more times than zero, the universe wouldn't have been so cruel.
His kid was suffering, going through the loss of yet another person in his life, and the guilt was slowly eating Tony alive. Deep down, he knew that it wasn't all his own fault, because dr. Dingbat has basically threatened that the whole galaxy would be taken over if he'd spill to Peter, but he couldn't help but think that if he really cared, if he'd actually be a good person, he'd reach out and comfort his traumatized kid.
But he didn't. Instead, he watched with a clenched heart from across the lake as Peter held in his tears at Tony's funeral.
-
Peter became numb. He didn't feel the burn from the hot food he pushed into his mouth anymore, he didn't feel the cold rain splashing down on him anymore, he didn't feel the ache in his shoulder from his heavy backpack anymore. Well, maybe he did feel it, but just didn't acknowledge it.
What he did feel was the depressing emptiness left in his chest. What he did feel was the guilt. The guilt of pitying himself even though Pepper just lost her husband and Morgan just lost her father while he was literally just some nuisance the man had accidentally ran in to. The guilt of worrying May. The guilt of not having done something. The agonizing feeling was slowly making him dissociate from his life.
He didn't argue anymore when May pushed some extra dollars in his hands to buy some snacks for himself, he didn't cheer with Ned anymore when he got a new lego set, he didn't even twitch as Flash taunted him and he most definitely never reached out to Pepper Potts ever again. The woman looked at him with a look that Peter couldn't quite make out. It scared him. What if ms. Potts blamed him for not doing anything? What if ms. Potts only tried to keep him around because she thought it was what Tony would've wanted? Would Tony have wanted that? No, most likely not. Peter had, stupidly, started to see Tony as somewhat of a father figure, but the man was one of the most famous persons in the world and a literal billionaire. He still wasn't quite sure why Tony kept him around and hugged him that day on the battlefield.
So he stayed away. Not that he could stand to be near the lake house anyway. And Morgan.. Sweet little Morgan, who didn't quite understand yet why her daddy wasn't with them yet. Sweet little Morgan, who looked and acted so much like Tony sometimes that it made Peter want to punch something.
Because sweet little Morgan was growing up without a father, and that was Peter's fault.
---
It was a cold January evening when Peter decided to do what he should have done a long time ago. It had been 3 months since the battle against Thanos and the end of mr. Stark. As Peter stood there, alone in their apartment, his bare feet on the cold tiles of the bathroom, he looked in the mirror at his sunken face and slightly wondered how he had gotten here, how he went from his old self to this. He didn't like it, not one bit. Having to lie to May sucked, having to act like he was okay sucked and mr. Stark being gone while he could have done something fucking sucked.
He remembered the time after the homecoming fiasco. When he'd have weekly lab days with mr. Stark, when school had been going well, when May finally knew about Spider-man and was okay with it, but most importantly: when life was good. When it didn't suck.
But now it did. It did suck and he didn't know what to do. He felt like such an attention seeker, crying over a man he barely knew, but god it hurt. It hurt. Thousand of needles had pierced him right in his heart, the crimson red blood dripping right into the pool where dried blood already lay from his parents and his uncle Ben. But it didn't stop. It kept dripping and dripping and dripping and oh god, it just wasn't coming to an end. The blood made it's way up to his brain, fogging it up and disabling it. The only thoughts he could manage to actually listen to were the ones that yelled at him, that told him he hadn't been good enough and he never had been.
At least, that's how it felt. The last 3 months had gone from dull to painful. His cheeks had sunken, the bags under his eyes grew and he went from sad to full on depressed. Peter had always thought that he wouldn't ever get depressed, that he'd see the good in things and that he'd never let these dark moments take him away, but staring at bottle of pills in his hands, Peter wondered how he ever could have been so naive.
His life had been over as soon as that arc reactor flickered off.
Peter took a breath and looked at himself in the mirror, chuckling because he felt so fucking alive, how ironic was that? He was about to end it all, and he felt so incredibly alive.
Before he knew it, he had swallowed the 10 pills he'd shaken out of the bottle, vision going blurry before completely dark.
-
"Sweetie, I'm home! Did you put the soda in the fridge like I asked?" May undid her scarf, hanging it up over her coat. She'd been getting paid some more due to the blip and the lack of staff, so she was working way less and got home early. She too was blipped, and they'd gotten lucky getting their old apartment back. Really, really lucky.
Tony Stark dying was not so lucky. Ever since Peter came back from that battlefield... Her kid, her sweet, poor boy was broken, not unlike when Ben died, but it was worse this time. May didn't know Tony, nor did she know that her boy was actually so close to the man but god, she could see it in his eyes. That empty look, the usual sparkly gone, faded into nothing and the endless void behind it. Not to mention the torn Ironman posters she had found in the trash. Not just torn into 2 pieces, but actually ravished.
She didn't know what to do. She didn't have the money to get an actual therapist and it frustrated her because she could see her baby falling apart, crumbling, and it felt like there was nothing she could do.
She didn't know whether to be angry at Tony Stark for getting close to Peter even though the man could die easily any day, or if she was thankful. Thankful that Tony had brought so many beautiful moments in Peter's life, especially after his homecoming dance. The boy had been so lively, so cheerful, so Peter.
What wasn't so Peter-like, was the sinister silence that met her after she'd called out. She frowned and tried again while making her way into the kitchen. After she still didn't get a response, a feeling of strong worry surged over her, making her ignore the feeling of dread sitting heavily at the pit of her stomach.
She checked the couch, where Peter wasn't present. She breathed in, beginning to feel a little panicked before she calmed herself down. He was probably just sleeping. She made her way to his room, which felt empty and dull without all the usual science projects and ironman posters scattered in it. Her heart sank when she found his bed empty.
She was about to pull out her phone to check for any messages when she noticed a bright white contrasting against the dark blue bed sheets.
Her breaths came out shallow as she walked towards the bed, slightly hesitating, hands shaking and repeating the mantra 'Please, no' in her head. It was an envelope. Peter's handwriting wrote 'Aunt May' on top and now she didn't hesitate. She tore the envelope open, her eyes scanning the paper.
'Dear May-'
'After the battle-'
'I just feel really empty?'
'It's been hard-'
'mr. Stark gone and-'
May shook her head in disbelief, not reading the letter fully but her eyes skipping to the end, full of panic.
'I guess I just don't really want to go on anymore.'
'It isn't your fault.'
'I'm sorry.'
It ended and her stomach turned. She ignored her feelings though, she pressed down her confusion, hurt and guilt and made a beeline for the bathroom. She prayed. She prayed as she ran because god, her baby, he was her baby, he couldn't be dead, he couldn't have actually- He was all she had left.
She swung the door open with a bang, a gasp leaving her lips as she stood above her nephews limp, sprawled out body, blood leaking from between his lips and a bottle of pills laying in his limp hand. She breathed out harshly in panic, heart clenching and beating way too fast, her vision blurring from the tears as she fell to her knees, cradling Peter's face as if it were porcelain.
"Peter, baby- baby, please, I- I need you. Please. PLEASE." She yelled, stroking Peter's cheek a bit harshly. Before she could get a panic attack she reached for her phone, calling Pepper Potts.
Then, she broke down, her shaking hands brushing through her nephews soft curls and wiping the blood off his cheek. She vaguely heard Pepper accept the call and say something, but May couldn't form a coherent sentence.
She screamed for help, pleading and begging for someone to save her baby, to save her child.
---
Tony was sitting on the couch with Pepper when the phone call came. Morgan was already in bed, tucked in warmly. He'd been enjoying life with Pepper and Morgan, because god, he loved them more than anything. But the nagging guilt and grief devoured him sometimes. Sometimes, he'd have days where he couldn't bother to get out of bed, where he couldn't bring himself to eat or shower. He'd just stare at the wooden wall of their cabin, wondering what Peter was doing at that moment.
Of course, he did know how Peter was doing. Pepper texted May frequently. But it didn't give him a sense of peace, because the boy wasn't doing well. He'd been different, quiet and never did anything than school and sleep anymore, save for eating now and then. That was what May told Pepper, and he was pretty sure that wasn't all because Pepper surely wasn't telling him everything.
But hell, thinking of how much he had impacted the kid made his heart clench so incredibly painful. He was still alive and Peter still had to suffer so much. He wanted it to end. He wanted the kid to be happy and bubbly, even if Tony wasn't there to see it.
But then that stupid phone rang, and Tony's worst nightmares all came true.
-
"Pep, seriously, just chose a movie." Tony rolled his eyes as he sank into the couch with his freshly made cup of coffee.
Pepper, with the TV remote in hand, turned to him with a glare. "I'm trying! But you went ahead and literally got us an account on all streaming sites possible so I'm sorry that there's so much choice, Tony." She muttered sarcastically, turning back to the TV.
Tony laid a hand over his heart in fake hurt. "Well, I'm sorry that I'm just trying to make you happy!" He gasped out dramatically. "Well, what do you want to watch?" Pepper said, still scrolling through the thousands of movies. "I don't care babe, just chose anything." Except for Star wars, he added in his mind. He didn't think he could handle that.
Before Pepper could reply, her phone rang and they both shot up at May's ringtone. "It's not face time, just be quiet." Tony nodded as Pepper accepted the call and stood up to get a little more privacy.
"Hey May, how are you?"
Tony could see Pepper's face turn into a frown just after she said it. "May?" She spoke, and this time her eyes widened in what looked like fear and panic as she took the phone away from her ear.
"I need to go." Pepper said as she rushed toward the door, running faster than Tony had ever seen her run.
Tony immediately ran after her, heart beating fast, all kinds of awful things that could've happened shooting through his head. "Pep! Pep, what's wrong?" Tony said sternly, grabbing her wrist before she could reach their car.
"It's- It's Peter."
Tony's heart sank.
"What?" He gasped out, breaths coming out in shallow pants as he tried his best to keep the agonizing panic and worry down.
"Tony, I need you to calm down and stay here while I take care of this." Pepper said, already turning away again, but Tony stopped her.
"What's wrong with him, Pep? Pep, please." He pleaded. She hesitated, but in her state of panic she couldn't think properly and blurted out "He tried to kill himself." before she could think about what Tony would do.
Tony's face went slack in shock before he sprinted towards their garage, activating the Ironman suit he kept there for emergencies. Because this was an emergency. He didn't care how many people saw him, he didn't care about what dr. Dingleberry said and he didn't care if aliens took earth over.
He needed his kid alive.
--
May didn't know what to think when Ironman burst into the bathroom. At first she thought it was Pepper in a suit or maybe an empty one, but then the faceplate lifted and her eyes widened in shock. Tony Stark was right in front of her.
His face was a look of pure guilt and fear as he looked down at her baby. She didn't know what to think, if she was angry or relieved, she really didn't feel anything. Well, she felt exhausted. Her eyes slipped shut.
-
Tony saw the look of shock on May's face and already knew she would be furious, but right know that didn't matter. As he took in the heart-wrenching sight of his kid laying on the floor, blood leaving his lips and smearing over his cheek, dark bags bigger than Tony's under his eyes, hair messy and long, sunken cheeks and the bottle of pills laying in his hand, Tony's heart skipped multiple beats.
The fear basically made him act automatically as he scooped the limp body of the kid up and flew out to the nearest hospital faster than ever. He didn't give a shit about anyone seeing him or the kid's spidery DNA, he just needed his kid to be alive and to know how sorry he was.
As he flew into the hospital, he indeed got many shocked looks, but thankfully the doctors got over it quickly as they took his unconscious kid from his arms and got to work. Retracting his suit, Tony sat in one the chairs in the waiting room. People were still staring at him but he didn't give a flying fuck.
His kid tried to kill himself.
He couldn't think.
It was his fault. He should have reached out.
He couldn't see.
His kid might be dead.
He couldn't breathe.
---
"What were you thinking!?" Pepper screeched. Tony flinched back a bit, eyes cast down for probably the first time in his life. "Tony, do you not understand what kind of consequences this could have? Stephen's prediction for starters! But also from the people? They know you're alive now, that we lied to them! Not to mention the kid! He'll know that we knew and didn't tell him, imagine how he'll feel. He'll hate me! I- I listened to him pour his heart out and I knew! I knew Tony."
Tony looked up, expecting his wife's scolding eyes, but he got met by a soft pair of eyes. "Tony, I know- I know how incredibly hard this has been for you and how much you love that kid, but this wasn't smart." She spoke gently, unlike before.
"I just- What if he'd been dead if I hadn't come, Pep? I- I wouldn't be able to live like that. What if it'd been Morgan? You would have done the same." Tony spoke, exasperated.
Silence fell over the room. Tony didn't know what to think or do. His kid had actually been so miserable he tried to end his life while Tony was happily living in the cabin with his family, even feeling sorry for himself because he couldn't see his kid.
The guilt nagging at him was gone. It was eating him now. It swallowed him whole. Because Peter, his precious, bubbly Peter, had seen no other way out than death and that was on Tony.
"I'm setting up a press conference to explain what Stephen had told us, and I'm speaking with Stephen. Go to the kid, okay? And try not to get killed by May." When Tony stayed silent, Pepper stepped closer to him and pulled him close.
"This wasn't your fault, Tony. You know that, right?" She whispered. "Yeah." Tony lied. "Okay then. I have to go now, you look after yourself, okay?" Pepper's heels clicked on the shiny floor of the empty room in the hospital as she left. Tony sunk down on a nearby chair, head in his hands and appropriate excuses running through his mind, but he had none. Well, he had excuses alright, but none of them were appropriate. Dr. Dickhead may have told him about that stupid alien army, but he could have talked to Peter.
If he had been a good person, he would have told Peter instead of driven him to suicide.
---
As Peter woke up, he immediately remembered what he had done and he wondered where he was now. In heaven or hell? Reborn? Or did he not even succeed? That'd be embarrassing. Or did he not exist anymore? Maybe that'd be best. Heaven would probably be the worst as the guilt of leaving May behind would forever nag at him.
Only one way to find out.
He opened his eyes and was met with a bright room, which made the headache he apparently had throb. He squinted his eyes and slowly got used to the light as he used his other senses.
There were a lot of sounds of people talking, yelling, crying, laughing and breathing. Also a lot of rhythmic beeps that all crossed through each other. That didn't make him feel reassured that he had succeeded. It also smelled an awful lot like a hospital and as he got used to the light and looked around, he knew it was.
He had actually failed at killing himself, what kind of fucking loser was he? He shouldn't have done it while May was coming home so soon. Oh god, May. She had probably found his letter and then his body. Guilt nagged at his heart painfully. He just had to go ahead and make everything worse for May.
Speaking of May, he could hear her yelling at someone in a room next to his one. She was yelling into a phone or the person she was yelling at just didn't have a chance to respond, either way, Peter couldn't hear the other person, but he felt for them. May was absolutely furious.
"You fucking asshole, I swear to god-"
"I'd actually kill you with my bare hands if it wasn't for him-"
"You get out! I don't him to talk to you ever again!"
Finally, the other person had a chance to respond after that.
"May, please. He'll find out through the media-"
"So what? All the others do too, I-"
"I love him like my own, May! I- I need to see him, please."
Peter froze. He knew that voice.
A flaky hand. A flaky face. Flakes? He was turning into flakes. The light was flickering on and off, a rhythmic, fading beating and- Jesus, he couldn't breathe. He couldn't fucking breathe, he couldn't-
"-eter! Kid, I need you to breathe, you're safe, you're safe. Breathe, underoos, just breathe." A calloused hand stroked a few stray curls out of his face and slowly his eyes focused again. He wished they hadn't.
Because standing there was Tony Stark, as if he wasn't the reason Peter had attempted, as if the man wasn't FUCKING DEAD. Peter doubted he had actually failed that attempt. I mean, this couldn't actually be mr. Stark in the real life word, right? Mr. Stark wouldn't keep that from him, right? Or from ms. Potts? Or from Morgan?
"Peter, I know you're confused, and I'm going to explain but you need to calm down, kiddo." Mr. Stark's familiar voice spoke, and Peter could've actually had another panic attack right on the spot. Because he knew he would never hear that voice again, he had heard the man's heart stop beating and he had seen that fucking reactor flicker off, so how was this happening?
"Kid, you're alive. May's alive. And for some reason, I'm alive too. And I'll explain, just.. Just breathe, okay?" Mr. Stark said again, and Peter did. He focused on his breathing, trying to calm himself as fast as possible because as he looked at his mentor's face, actual face, not flaky and dead, he had to know what was going on.
Slowly, Peter tore his gaze from mr. Stark's face as he caught movement elsewhere in the room. It was May, eyes squeezed shut and hands clasped over her mouth, breathing heavily. "May.." He croaked out. May's hands left her mouth and her eyes opened, staring at Peter with tears and horror in her eyes. It broke Peter's heart.
"Baby.. Oh baby." May stepped forward and held his hand. Peter almost forgot about his supposed to be dead mentor and the reason why he was in a hospital. Almost. A firm hand was still carding through his hair.
Peter took in the sight of his mentor. He looked the same, save for the grey spots in his hair and beard and- Peter's breath hitched as he noticed. And a missing arm.
"Kid, Peter, I'm going to explain now, and.. I.. You can be as mad as you want, okay?" Tony said with a gentle voice, gentler than Peter had ever heard him speak to him. "Okay." He whispered.
"Okay.. After I snapped, dr. Strange and a few other really good doctors managed to save me, but after I had recovered a bit and I wanted to see you, he told me that no one could know except for the people that already did. He said-" Tony started, but Peter interrupted, ignoring the feeling of of betrayal starting to settle in his gut. "Who? Who.. Who knew?"
"Morgan, Happy, Rhodey and Pepper." Tony said. Peter expected it, but he couldn't help but flinch. He'd been at the funeral, Pepper had been there. She'd looked so sad and Peter had beaten himself up over it, over what she was going through because of him but she knew. She had known her husband was alive and she still held and attended the funeral. She'd talked to Peter, invited him over to the cabin, acting so innocent and grieving as if she knew what he was going through but it was all an act. He basically had a therapy session with her, he gave her an apology and his condolences but she knew Tony was alive and she didn't tell him, she just let him cry and pour his heart out without interrupting him. How embarrassing was that?
"Kiddo.. They had no choice.." Tony said apologetic, as if he'd just read Peter's mind. Peter couldn't help but huff. "Kid, dr. Strange said that Thanos had apparently prepared an.. an army for if I was still alive. If everyone knew..." He didn't finish his sentence, but Peter understood the unspoken words.
The realization that they were in a public hospital and people most likely knew that Tony was alive hit him. And that was because of him, because he went and became so depressed for a man he loved who didn't even feel the same way about him. Wow, he actually just ended the world just by trying to kill himself.
The thought made a laugh escape his lips. It probably seemed psychotic.
He turned his glance toward May, who was looking at him with red eyes. At least she hadn't known, he probably couldn't handle that betrayal. He looked back at mr. Stark, whose eyes were filled with such amounts of guilt Peter almost pitied him.
"As much as I hate it, I'm gonna leave you two alone for a minute. I really think you two need to talk." May left the room hesitantly, looking back at Tony with a warning glance.
It was silent for moment after May left, Tony taking in the sight of the kid he'd missed so much and Peter staring down at the bed sheets in guilt, shame and anger.
"Kid I- I'm so fucking sorry. I've missed you so much these past 5 years and I wanted to see you so bad but dr. fucking dickhead just wouldn't let me. I know it's no excuse. I understand if you're mad. I just- I need you to know I love you, kiddie." Tony squeezed Peter's hand. When Peter looked up at Tony with those brown, hopeful eyes Tony's heart clenched. He'd given the kid all this pain. Was it worth it? He didn't know.
"Will the world end now?"
It made Tony want to laugh. It made him want to pull the kid in his arms and never let go. It was such an innocent thing to say. Instead of screaming at him to leave or drop dead, Peter asked if the world was in danger.
"No kid. I wouldn't let that happen, y'know why? Because you're in this world. I'll never let anything happen to you again, okay? We- We're going to find a therapist, or not, whatever you want, and it's all gonna be okay again, okay?" Tony reassured. Peter hesitated before he spoke.
"I- I think I need a therapist." Peter whispered so quietly that Tony barely heard it. "Okay." Tony said back, gently and quietly. "That's good, kiddie. I'll always be there for you. Except if you don't want me to." He pushed some stray curls behind Peter's ear, who unconsciously leaned into the touch.
"I think.. I think I want you to."
---
Things got better. Things go to so, so much better. It still wasn't perfect, no, it was far from perfect, but as Peter lay on the couch in the cabin that now felt like home, pressed against Tony's side, nose nuzzled into the man's neck, he couldn't think of what perfect would look like if this already existed.