Chapter 10
Gwen remembered her first day of her treatment very well. It was probably one of the most tiring days of her life. The entire check up, the blood sample, the weight in, and all the million questions. She hadn't expected it to be this tiring. Once everything was done, they had put her on a bed in a room that was in the med bay as she was getting IV fluids.
"Don't look, Gwen. Just don't look," Gwen told herself, because she hated needles. And when she had been told that the needle was going to stay for some time, she nearly passed out.
It was all fine and good, even though Gwen nearly punched the doctor because he kept on poking her arm with the needle since he struggled to find the right place to inject it. But then it got into a turning point. Eventually her blood results came in, and the doctor ushered her father, Jess and Miguel out of the room. Gwen didn't see the point in them having a conversation literally right behind the door when she had super-hearings. But they must have probably forgotten about it, and she wasn't going to bring this up either. They were talking about her, and Gwen thought that she had the right to know what they were going to say about *her*.
Then she heard the words coming out of the doctor's mouth and Gwen paled.
"I've never seen vitals this low in my life before. It's a miracle she's still alive or even awake," he told them.
The words kept repeating themselves in her mind, over and over again. 'Vitals this low' and 'miracle she's still alive'. And that was when Gwen realized that she had truly been close to taking her very last breath. She felt like she was thrown into ice cold water and suddenly, so many things went through her mind.
She nearly died, Gwen could've actually died. In fact, she shouldn't even be here right now. Gwen should already be six feet underground.
And what would that have left? Gwen would miss all the lives of civilians she could have rescued and saved. Her father would officially and permanently lose his child and his only remaining family member. Her friends would all miss her, Miles would miss her, the city would miss their crime-fighter and hero. Gwen would miss Mayday growing up, seeing the future of her loved ones, seeing her own future.
She would've broken baby Gwen's heart, and that's what hurt her the most.
Gwen didn't realize that's she started panicking, because suddenly everybody returned back inside her room in a hurry and walked up to her.
"Mierda, she has super-hearing. How the fuck did I forget?" Miguel cursed.
"No time for that," her doctor said to him and turned back to her. "Gwen, hey. It's okay. It's all right. You're safe. Everything's going to be okay."
But Gwen didn't hear him, the voices around her fading into the background. All that went through her mind was: "I could've died, I could've died, I could've died, I COULD'VE DIED.'
She could see it right in front of her. Baby Gwen witnessing present Gwen dying right in front of her and getting the light sucked out of her eyes. That was enough to break her.
But then she could feel a hand massaging her scalp, and it was actually helping in making her feel grounded and come back into the present. Her breathing started slowing down, the numbness and prickling feeling in her hands were going away and her eyes could see clearly again. That was how Gwen saw that it was Jess that had her hand in Gwen's hair.
"I could've died," Gwen whispered once she calmed down.
"You're not gonna die on our watch, Gwen. You're stuck with us for a very long time," her doctor joked, trying to lighten up the situation.
Gwen let out a light laugh, but the scale of the intensity of his words wouldn't let her fully rest, because no amount of joking could get rid of the fact that she was supposed to be six feet underground.
*
The first time Gwen met the psychologist of the HQ she had started having her first regrets. He had walked into the room looking completely done with life.
"All right, whose uncle died this ti- oh sweet baby Jesus!" He exclaimed as he saw Gwen laying on the hospital bed. Ouch, seriously.
But surprisingly enough, they made it work, and he was not as bad of a psychologist as Gwen initially thought he'd be. He listened to every word she said, didn't judge her for crying, and gave good advice. He was very patient, and didn't get angry whenever Gwen admitted that she felt the need to stop eating again, which happened quite frequently during the beginning of her treatment.
But they made it work. Gwen let it work, because she wanted to be good again.
*
They took her phone away for some inexplicable reasons. Gwen was fine with that until they told her that she was not allowed to have visitors yet, and that's when she got angry.
"Look, you'll be allowed to see them soon. But you're in a very critical state right now. It's not good for you to see them yet," they told her.
And that was enough motivation for her to continue. If it meant that she could see them again then she would fight for it.
But she was still fine, because she still had her father by her side. At least for the first full week, because after that he had been called back to work, leaving her all alone. But he stayed by her side whenever his shift ended. She was at least grateful for that.
Especially because he gave her his phone whenever they were alone.
"All right, we've got everything now. I'll be back in half an hour," the doctor said and left the room.
The moment the door closed behind him, her dad instantly took out his phone and handed it over to Gwen.
That half an hour was spent by watching memes on YouTube. Just anything to make her laugh and distract her from all the pressure.
But even when he wasn't around, either Jess or Miguel would be by her side. Being with Jess was nice. They could talk about things they had never talked about before, for once it wasn't spider related either. Gwen saw Jess in a light she had never seen her before.
Miguel was something else. The man offered to play soccer with her outside when Gwen realized that her feet were no longer in pain by simply standing.
'He has no spider-senses, right?' Gwen remembered mischievously.
That was when she kicked the ball hard enough for it to hit Miguel right in the crotch. Miguel had not seen in coming, but he hadn't said anything after trying to recover from that blow. Gwen was laughing with her hands on her knees trying to keep herself up. She was laughing, that was reason enough for him not to say anything and just play along.
"Don't you dare give Miles any ideas," he said as he was trying to catch his breath.
"I actually thought of Hobie," Gwen said as she was still laughing.
Gwen continued laughing, and Miguel let her.
*
It happened again. On days when Gwen would feel worse, she just didn't want to eat. But she couldn't do anything about it, she was stuck, cornered. She always had someone watching and calculating her meals.
Gwen would hide herself in the bathroom, crying about how she didn't want to eat.
"No," Gwen would silently choke. "I don't want to. I just don't want to."
But it didn't matter if she didn't want to in the moment, because she was comitted to something she could no longer escape. She promised them to fully recover. Gwen promised herself to fully recover. But it was just too much at once, and the emotions would lead to tears and breakdowns in the bathroom.
Everyone around her eventually got used to them, because once her crying would stop, she would just leave the bathroom and start eating her next meal. At this point, this turned into a daily routine. It continued like that for two weeks, until they turned into a maybe twice a week occurrences.
Two breakdowns a week were not normal. But nobody could say that Gwen wasn't trying.
*
Slowly, but steadily, things started improving for Gwen. However, it was going in a very slow pace, and it irritated the hell out of her. She just wanted to be done with all of it and never have to do any of this ever again. Not going through a million check ups, not talk to a doctor, and not talk to the spider-psychologist.
Apparently her accelerated metabolism was making the progress take longer time, which Gwen could get behind. It was also the reason why she lost so much weight at once. But couldn't they do something to speed things up? Honestly, at this point she was just sick and tired of everything.
There had been moments where Gwen's mind would shut off and the old familiar voices would whisper in her ear: "So weak. So out of control. But that's to be expected from you."
And maybe, as much as she hated to admit it, it was still tempting, and the idea of jumping back into her universe and never eat again sounded tempting, but then she thought: "no, I have to be strong. I can't ever go back again, I just can't."
But getting stronger didn't change that it was still rough and so difficult, especially with how lonely she felt at times. She just wanted to see her friends, but her psychologist and Miguel didn't deem her as ready yet. She wanted to text them, but they had taken her phone away for the time being as well. All of that was supposed to help but it only made Gwen feel even worse.
She had made Miguel tell them that she was fine, that she was okay and that they didn't need to worry. To an extent she was fine, but other times she felt like there was no progress at all and she hated it.
Then one morning Gwen woke up, and when her eyes fell onto her fingers, Gwen noticed that the blue-ishness from her fingertips was gone. Surprised at the realization, Gwen pulled off her covers and saw the same thing happened with her toes. She sprinted out towards the bathroom and saw that her lips were also finally pink again.
And it only went on like this. Her legs were completely free from pain, she could finally sleep again without feeling like her bones were getting crushed, her hair stopped falling out like crazy, her eyes were no longer sunken in, and her skin was no longer grey-ish either. And with each improvement she knew that she was one step closer to finally see her friends again and get out of this room forever (hopefully).
When the day arrived where her doctor and psychologist told her that she could go to the cafeteria and eat by herself, the question hit her.
"Am I- am I allowed to see my friends?" Gwen asked, hopeful to see them again, and scared that this was all some bad dream.
"Eating alone sucks ass, I better not catch you like that," her psychologist said, and before he could even finish his sentence, Gwen disappeared as soon as his approval came.
And when she saw Miles sitting and eating dumpling soup by himself, it took everything in Gwen to not drop her tray and run up to him.
*
Gwen was all alone in her room. Her father had to work, her doctors had done their millionth check up on her, her therapy session was over, Jess and Miguel were both busy and now there was nothing left to do. They still hadn't given her back her phone yet for some goddamn reason, and honestly, right now Gwen didn't really feel like doing anything.
For now, she was just thinking about so many things. Yesterday, her father had returned while she was asleep (With the help of Miguel), and when she woke up she saw two pictures on the table next to her bed. Her polaroid of Miles and herself, and the picture of her younger self at the ballet studio. She hadn't expected for him to do that, but Gwen was immensely grateful.
Both pictures reminded her of why she was doing this. Because Gwen deserved to be happy, because she deserved to actually live instead of spending life by wasting away. She saw baby Gwen smile and knew that, yes, this was her, and thus, it should be possible for her to be that happy again.
She kept on staring at those pictures until somebody knocked on her door. Gwen immediately hid them inside a book by her bedside and said: "Come in."
What followed was probably one of her happiest moments during her time in the med bay, because the moment Miles entered the room, Gwen had the biggest smile on her face in a long time. In fact, her eyes lightened up like a Christmas tree.
"Miles!" Gwen exclaimed in excitement.
"I brought a Nintendo Switch," Miles shouted and showed the console with a smile on his face.
She hadn't seen him two days ever since their encounter at the cafeteria and their conversation in his dimension. She wanted to contact him but somebody thought that she still shouldn't have her phone back. And she was dumb enough to forget to tell him about where she was actually staying.
"How did you know that this is the room I'm staying in?" Gwen asked as he walked over to her bedside.
"Easy, I asked Miguel, but he wouldn't tell me at first so I started making a bunch of anomaly jokes until he couldn't bear them anymore," he said.
"And how long until he broke?" Gwen asked.
"Two jokes and he lost it," Miles said.
Gwen chuckled and asked her next question: "where'd you get the Nintendo from?"
"It's Ganke's. He said we can play everything except for Animal Crossing unless we catch the Tarantula for him. You wanna play Mario Kart?"
Gwen made room for him on her hospital bed and the two sat there as Miles showed Gwen how to play on the Switch.
"I've never had a switch before. I had the DS when I was younger but that was different," Gwen said as she tried following Miles' instructions.
"It's easy, you'll get the hang of it. Now who do you wanna play as?" Miles asked.
Gwen chose Princess Peach while Miles played as Toad. It was nice and fun. It was also going really good for Gwen who was at first place. The game was about to end and Gwen was going to win until Miles shot out a blue turtle and it hit her. The game ended with Miles being at first place and Gwen at sixth.
"Yes, I won!" Miles shouted and laughed out loud.
When he looked at Gwen though, she gave him the deadliest stare he had ever seen on her and he gulped.
"I mean-" but Miles was interrupted by Gwen.
"Don't. Just don't," Gwen said and turned her eyes back towards the Switch.
The played for another half an hour, and it was half an hour of Gwen taking revenge and attacking him, slowing down so she could hit Miles from behind, cornering him so he'd fall off the track and so much more.
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Geez, why are you so ruthless?" Miles asked, but Gwen only laughed.
"Now that's one evil laugh," Miles said to her, making her laugh even harder.
"That's what you get, Morales," Gwen chuckled.
"Oh please, now you act like, Miguel."
"How comes? Do I have fangs?" Gwen joked.
"No, but you master his deadly stare so that's something," Miles laughed.
"I'm also as anemic as a vampire so that's another thing."
The two laughed until suddenly the door opened and the teens' laughter was cut short. The two paled at the sight of said vampire entering the door.
"It's lunchtime. To the cafeteria, now!" Miguel ordered and left the room.
Miles and Gwen stared at one another in shock and fear because they realized by his stern tone that he definitely overheard their conversation.
"But you'll never be as scary as him," Miles whispered in her ear, and Gwen lightly punched his shoulder as the two made their way to the cafeteria.
The two picked up their trays with their meals and drinks, and sat down at an empty table. Miles could see it happening again. Gwen would first stare at her plate, hold and turn the spoon in her hand and then start finally eating. Very slowly and very carefully.
"How-how is it going, Gwen?" Miles finally asked.
Gwen looked up at him and Miles continued: "with everything. Is it... easy?"
Gwen released a breath and said: " sometimes, yeah. I would come here, sit and eat and feel good."
Miles could feel the 'but' coming.
"But?" He started for her.
"But other times? I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. I just wanna run away then," Gwen said and he could see her hand shaking that was holding the spoon tightly.
Miles felt his heart clenching at that. She's been here for over a month at this point and the fact that she still felt like this? That shouldn't be happening.
"And sometimes I wonder ' well shit, is it gonna continue like this forever, or what?' Cause I'd feel like I genuinely can't do this any longer," she breathed heavily.
Gwen needed to calm down. She was in the middle of the cafeteria surrounded by at least hundred people and close to having a breakdown in front of her best friend.
"Gwen, I..." Miles closed his eyes for a moment. "I really don't know what to say or do. But know that I'll be here for you, always."
Gwen smiled up at him and said: "that's all I need, Miles. That's all I wanted this entire time."
Miles smiled back and then the two started eating. Their conversation was long forgotten, and instead they started watching all the other Spider-People and analyzing them.
"You see the one sitting over there?" Gwen asked Miles and pointed at a Spider-Man drinking soda.
"Yeah, what's with him?" Miles asked.
"I met him at my very first day at the HQ. He had a mental breakdown and I didn't know what was going on. Next time I saw him, he asked me if I could dye my hair and change my name," Gwen explained.
"Ouch. Yikes," was all that Miles said, and he was sure that he was probably going to hell for this but Miles thought that it was hilarious.
"It's okay now. I found out he's getting married next month," Gwen said.
" oh really? To whom?" Miles asked
"His MJ."
"Of course, why am I even asking," Miles said making Gwen chuckle.
Miles looked around until he thought of something.
"Say, do you always eat alone, or is somebody watching you from afar?" Miles asked and continued looking around for prying eyes.
"At first, there was always someone sitting with me and making sure I finished everything. But the past few days they have been letting me eat by myself," she explained.
Miles didn't want to know what that must be like. Having someone staring at you while you were eating sounded like the plot of a horror movie for someone with social anxiety. So basically, him.
"Well, now you have me, and I promise I won't watch you while you eat," Miles said with an encouraging smile.
Gwen laughed at his thoughtful gesture but said: " Miles, you don't have to sit with me every meal."
"But why not? It's gonna be fun."
"Well, for one I have to eat breakfast twice, and I have my first breakfast every morning at 7am, and second-" but Miles interrupted her at that.
"No, it's okay, I get it," he said and the two laughed and continued eating their lunch.
*
One by one, everybody came to visit her, thanks to Miles spreading the words. The first one were Peter and Mayday.
Gwen was taking a nap when suddenly a medium sized teddy bear was thrown at her face, startling her awake.
"Good morning, Sleeping Beauty," Peter chimed in.
"Holy sh-" Gwen was about to curse from the scare until Peter screamed: "not around the baby!"
It took a moment until Gwen was fully awake, but once she was, she looked up and saw Peter with Mayday in his arms. Peter looked the same as ever, apart from it looking like he cut his hair a bit shorter, but Mayday changed so much. She was already so much bigger and it surprised Gwen to see how much the baby had changed in the past few months. She wished she could have seen those changes happening right in front of her eyes though. Gwen had missed so much of it all.
"Oh hey guys, what are you doing here?" Gwen asked.
"Miles told me you were here and we had to come and see you. Mayday missed you," Peter said.
"Really, only Mayday?" Gwen asked with a light smirk.
"And MJ. She still wants you to come over for dinner again," he said.
Gwen chuckled at that. "Sure. Now give me the baby, 'cause I missed her too," Gwen said and spread her arms over to Peter.
The moment Mayday was sat on Gwen's lap, the baby was staring at her with wide and worried eyes. She tried standing up, to which Gwen helped her by holding her up, and very gently touched Gwen's face.
Mayday put her hands all over Gwen's face very carefully, as though she could break. On her cheeks, her eyes, her hair. She looked back towards her dad for a moment as if she needed some kind of confirmation that this was in fact Gwen and the turned back to her.
Suddenly Mayday slowly leaned down and hugged Gwen around her neck.
Gwen closed her eyes and hugged Mayday back. The guilt was eating her up, because even a baby, who couldn't even speak, noticed that she was seriously ill. Mayday should never be aware of it, nor should she have a reason to react like this. But Gwen appreciated the hug, especially because this hug was very comforting.
Peter put his hand on her shoulder and caressed it. "We missed you, Gwen. We all missed you and only want what's best for you."
Gwen looked up at him with teary eyes and whispered: "I know. Thank you."
*
Many more friends would come and go, especially Miles who tried to visit her as much as possible. But Gwen didn't mind it at all. She had been so lonely for so long that seeing them now didn't even feel enough. She enjoyed every single visitor, who would come and spoil her with gifts. Her favorite gift had to be a coffee mug from Pavitr that said 'Multiverse's Okayest Spider' and below that in tiny letters 'you still cute tho'.
Everybody around her babied her a bit too much though, or more specifically, didn't know how to treat her. Gwen wasn't made of glass, but to those around her, she was shattered and broken glass that was simply glued back together. They didn't know what to say at times, terrified of triggering something, spoiled her with hugs and gifts and so on.
Pavitr was the biggest offender of the hugging spectacle. When he first came to visit her he wouldn't stop cuddling her, but she didn't mind it. He gave some very comforting hugs. But also, because he was near to tears when he saw her, and it looked more like Gwen needed to comfort him than he needed to comfort her.
At least Gwen couldn't say she was lonely any more, because somebody was always around during designated visiting hours. And despite everything, all the babying, all the careful words and so on, Gwen loved every second.
But there was one person who hadn't visited her yet, and she worried that her actions had officially pushed him away from her. However, she didn't want to bring that up to anyone, because the scars from that day were still fresh for everyone. When Gwen was talking to Miles one evening and she brought up the incident, she could see a haunted look in his eyes.
But one evening, after her father had to leave for his late shift, the door to her room opened and revealed the person she had been thinking about.
"Hobie," Gwen whispered.
"Hey Gwendy," Hobie said with a smirk.
When he called her by her nickname, she felt most of the stress leaving her body. Interesting what the use of a nickname can do to somebody.
Gwen didn't know what to say. She had hurt him so badly that day outside Miguel's office that the event sometimes played out in her dreams. If she were him, Gwen wouldn't forgive her.
But as Hobie stood there and eyed her, the smirk turned into a gentle smile, and he said with arms spread wide open: "come here."
Gwen swiftly sprinted over to him and hugged him tightly. It reminded her of their hug in her room, but this time, the hug was different. Both were holding each other tightly. Last time, Hobie's embrace was light due to the state of her body. She was still very skinny and frail, but compared to last time, she looked like the embodiment of health.
"Hobie, I'm so sorry," Gwen whispered into his chest.
"It's okay, Gwen," Hobie said to her.
"But it's not," Gwen said as she leaned back from the hug. "You were only looking out for me and I lashed out. I shouldn't have done that, and I'm sorry. I-" Gwen looked down at her bare feet. "I finally understand."
Gwen looked at his eyes. His face was neutral, but his eyes were full of emotions as he realized what she meant.
"I finally understand why you did that. And thank you."
Hobie smiled at her and pulled her back into his embrace.
"You're family, Gwendy. I'll always be looking out for you."
*
"Gwen, your report card arrived. You passed every class," her father said once he entered her room.
"What? No way, let me see," Gwen said and took the paper from him.
She realized that she had in fact passed every class but barely. Impossible.
"I'm proud of you, you passed all your classes," her dad said next to her.
"But barely. This is the worst report card I've ever had," Gwen said as she continued eyeing her report card.
"But you still passed," he said.
Gwen laughed at that. "Aren't you the parent here? Shouldn't you be grounding me for having such bad grades?"
"I think there are way more important things going on than school. You'll just do better next year."
His words warmed her heart, because yeah, her grades were atrocious for her standards, but there were truly more important matters.
"I'm pretty sure I only passed most of them because of sympathy," Gwen said.
That must be it, because she didn't pass a lot of her tests, and she had to talk to teacher after teacher. But they were all aware of her condition, so Gwen was sure that the only reason she passed any of them was because of sympathy.
"It doesn't matter. What's done is done and you passed. Just enjoy your summer for now," her dad said.
"In the med bay?"Gwen asked laughing.
"Who knows, maybe they'll release you sooner than you think," he said and ruffled her hair.
"I wouldn't mind leaving now," Gwen muttered because being stuck here was really starting to suffocate her.
"I know, Gwennie. Just hold on a little longer. You've done so much progress they're just making sure you're ready to leave."
Please, someone let the day of her release come now.
*
Gwen was staring in surprise at Miguel's words.
"Wha- wait really? I can finally go home?" Gwen asked in utter shock.
"Yeah, you got the green light from your psychologist. And your vitals are a lot better, too. You don't have to stay here any longer," Miguel replied.
Gwen couldn't get over the surprise. She was finally going home? This had to be a dream, so Gwen pinched herself on her arm. But Miguel was still here, so it was all real. She turned to look at her dad and saw it in the look of his eyes.
"You knew?" Gwen asked.
Just yesterday they had their conversation, and now she was actually getting released. He HAD to know about this.
"I've known for around a week. They told me that if your blood results were good enough then they would let you leave," he confirmed.
Gwen was so overwhelmed with joy that she nearly started crying. "Oh my God, I can't believe this. Finally."
"Oh, and here is your phone ba-" Miguel stopped talking when Gwen ripped the phone away from his hands.
"Kids," he muttered.
*
Gwen had packed her bag with all her belongings and looked around the room that she never wanted to see again. She never wanted to have a reason to appear her ever again.
Gwen missed her home, missed her own room and her bed. She missed the view out of her own window and most importantly, she missed her own universe.
Once she was ready to leave, she walked up to her dad and Miguel.
"You will still have to come over every Monday for check ups and therapy session," Miguel ordered.
"I can live with that. I just don't wanna stay in that room anymore. Is all," she said.
Miguel stared at her with his usual stern look, until the corners of his lips lightly curled up and he put a hand on her shoulder, saying: "take care , Gwen."
That... was unexpected. This was not the broody Miguel she had known this entire time. But she was appreciative of his gesture and said: "I will. Thank you for, you know, everything."
*
Gwen would've thought that she would be happy to be finally back home and sleep in her own bed. But the moment she opened the door and entered her room, Gwen felt a bad energy all over the air. It gave her a tight feeling in her chest, something she hadn't felt in quite a while, and the peace was sucked out of her.
This room used to be her safe space, but for the past few months it had also been the place where she had created and experienced her worst memories and moments. All the breakdowns, the sleepless nights, the tears. And she could still feel it, as if it was glued to the walls, waiting for her return.
'How am I supposed to sleep here?' Gwen thought.
It was impossible, even after she sat down on her bed and thought that maybe she could just ignore it. But it was just impossible. It felt like the air was burning her. She needed to change her room, give it a complete make over and try everything to make it livable again, because right now she didn't even feel like she could stay here. It felt like it was making her sick again, and she hated it. It terrified her.
She had a sudden idea, remembering how a special someone told her to call her whenever she needed him. So she picked up her phone and walked over to her window, looking out. His contact was there and she wondered whether she should actually call him.
'Should I?' She questioned.
Gwen thought about it for a moment until she eventually clicked on his name, and listened to the ringing of her phone until he picked up.
"Gwen? Is everything okay?" Miles asked, sounding quite hectic.
Gwen smiled at the thought that he was worried about her and said: "no, everything is fine. I wanted to tell you that I'm back home."
"Oh my God, really? That's great," Miles beamed and she was sure she could hear him smile.
"Yeah, it is. It's just-" Gwen sighed.
"What? What is it?" And Miles was back to being frantic.
"I hate my room. I hate being here. And I know that sounds stupid, but I really need to change this place and give it a make over. I thought that maybe... you could help?" Gwen explained to him as she looked around.
"Of course I can. I'll be there tomorrow if that works," he said.
"Yes, it does. So I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Absolutely. And Gwen?"
"Y-yeah?" Gwen asked, worried over the change of tone in his voice.
"I'm proud of you, you know?" He said.
Gwen felt tears welling up in her eyes at his words. This was all she wanted, being happy and have her friends back.
"Yes, I do. Thank you, Miles," Gwen whispered.
"Always. Good night, Gwen," Miles said.
"Good night, Miles," Gwen said back and closed her phone.
She turned back to look around her room and decided that, yes, this shithole of a room needed to change for the better just like she did.
Gwen walked to the bathroom to get ready, and once she finished up, she took a look at her face. The color of her skin fully returned, her lips were no longer chapped and her eyes no longer looked like she was a zombie.
Then she decided to take off her clothes, since she was going to put on her pajamas anyway, and looked at her body. She was still severely underweight, but unlike the last time when she looked at her body, her bones were not worryingly poking out anymore. She could also stand on her feet without wobbling and her legs were no longer shaking either.
Two months ago, if not even one month ago, Gwen would had hated it. Or at least, she would had been panicking tried to think of ways to lose it all again.
But present Gwen was proud. She was actually proud of herself to have come so far, even with all the setbacks happening, even with all the breakdowns happening before she was forced to eat, even with all the loneliness causing emotional pain. Gwen only hoped that she could keep this, because right now her biggest fear was that something in her mind could snap and bring back some old habits. She had been close to that several times.
But she didn't want to think too much about it, at least that's what her psychologist said. He said that constantly thinking of her fears could actually just bring it back by itself, so Gwen decided to just not worry too much about them. She was good, she was better. That was all that mattered.
Gwen got changed into her pajamas and left the bathroom, took her blanket and pillow, walked back to the living and decided to sleep on the couch. She would much rather sleep in an actual bed, but at least she wasn't surrounded by the suffocating feeling of the air in her room. And it didn't take much longer until she feel asleep.
*
The morning she woke and Gwen had finished her second breakfast - 'why do I need to eat two breakfasts again?' - she walked back inside her room and got to work. Miles had texted her that he would be there at 1pm so she had a little over two hours left until his arrival. The first thing Gwen did was ripping off everything from her walls until they were left bare, and it was nothing other than a boring white color. Then she realized that the place was dusty and started cleaning up.
"What could I use for the walls?" Gwen questioned.
Miles was not here yet, but he had told her he would get paint for her wall. Gwen grabbed her phone and decided to look for pictures to put on them, too. She chose a bunch of pictures of everyone she knew, left a note for her dad, who was still sleeping, and left to get the pictures all printed out. And once she had the stack of photos ready, she ran back home.
There were way too many pictures, probably more than she would put on her walls, but it didn't matter. She would put the rest somewhere else.
"What are you doing?" Gwen suddenly heard.
She turned towards her door and saw her dad looking around. "Oh wow, you left this place completely bare."
"Miles is gonna come over and we're gonna change my room a bit. I got some pictures here, too," Gwen said as she was choosing between the photos.
"Huh, all right. Look, I have to run a few errands, I'll be back later," he said.
"Okay," Gwen said, as she was too focused on the task at hand.
"See ya," he said and left the room. But before he left the apartment he shouted: "And no funny business."
Gwen flinched at his words and the implication, but continued working until Miles finally arrived half an hour later.
"Gwen, hey," Miles cheered as put all the stuff he brought over on the floor and picked her up for a hug.
"Hey you," Gwen said and hugged him back as he spun her around, like he once used to.
"So Ganke had the idea of getting stars for your ceiling. I think it would look nice right over your bed," Miles said as he showed her the package of stars.
"That's actually great. Should I just glue them to the ceiling or make them form a symbol?" Gwen asked.
"Make them form the letter 'M'" Miles chuckled.
"In your dreams," Gwen said and went to get some glue.
When she returned she saw the painting cans and realized that he had the colors pink, blue and black.
"You got the colors of my Spider-suit?" Gwen asked, feeling flattered.
"Sure, why not? I think that would make your room truly yours. I also got purple here," Miles said as he started opening the cans.
"Wouldn't that make people question why my room is just the color of Spider-Woman's suit?" Gwen asked.
"Just tell them she's your celebrity crush. That should work," Miles said with a smirk.
"Oh yeah, I'm so in love with her," Gwen joked and put a hand on her chest feigning a love struck motion.
"Now that's the spirit. Keep it coming," Miles said as he laughed.
As Gwen was ready to climb up her walls towards the ceiling, she realized that this was the first time in almost two months that she was going to use her spider powers. Had it really been that long already? She was in inpatient treatment for seven weeks, but she didn't know if that much time could affect her abilities. Or maybe it could? Was she even still good at it? But the moment Gwen put her hands and feet onto the wall and started climbing, she felt truly back home.
Once she reached the place right above her bed, she started glueing the stars onto the ceiling in no particular way. Meanwhile, Miles started drawing shapes of symbols onto her walls with a pencil.
"Your room is gonna be so beautiful, you won't wanna leave this place ever again," Miles said from below as he was still drawing.
"I mean, I'd like to leave my room once in a while, but as long as it's as beautiful as you claim it'll be then I'm fine, too," Gwen chuckled as she continued putting the stars up.
Once she had finished putting on the last star onto the ceiling , she got back down and turned towards Miles, who started his first paint. Gwen pulled her bed away from the wall in order to avoid getting paint on it.
"You need some help there?" Gwen asked him.
"Nah, it's okay. I can do this real quick," Miles said, and she could see how focused he was.
So she went to grab the pictures she had chosen for her wall, and started putting glue behind them. She was going to put them right above her bed. Pictures of her parents from when they were younger, the spider-gang, her Peter, the Mary-Janes, Mayday, her own baby pictures and so many more. Gwen thought that if there was one thing that could change the atmosphere of her room then it would be filling the wall up with the people she loved the most.
Suddenly Miles stood behind her and looked at the collage right in front of them.
"Aww Gwen you were so cute when you were younger," Miles cooed when he saw her childhood pictures.
"Cute? I wasn't cute," Gwen chuckled and hoped he couldn't see her face heating up.
"You were adorable, what are you talking about?" Miles joked.
"Well, one time I sold imaginary friends to the kids at my ballet school. My dad had to pay them all back after my instructor found out, and I couldn't give them their money back because I had already spent it all on ice cream. You still think she's cute?" Gwen told.
She wished she was lying, (un)fortunately she wasn't.
"Now I wanna tell her that this girl is going to be Spider-Woman in the future," Miles laughed. "Still cute though."
"She was a little monster," Gwen said.
"Oh hell no, this is not the way you're gonna talk about her like that."
"I'm not lying though," Gwen said with a smile.
"That's it! I'm gonna paint the entire wall black in honor of baby Gwen," Miles said.
"You're not- wait, you're finished?" Gwen asked flabbergasted as she looked at the finished wall.
Miles had actually finished drawing AND painting everything onto the wall.
"Yeah, wasn't that difficult. Uncle Aaron and I used to do graffiti art but sometimes I would also just paint so it's actually kinda easy for me."
Gwen admired the wall, taking in everything Miles had painted. He wrote her name in calligraphy on several places, painted a bunch symbols that were connected to her, like drums and ballerina shoes. It just looked so beautiful, just the way he meant it. And the colors fit in so well.
"Miles, this is..." Gwen breathed out.
"Y-yeah?" He asked nervously.
"Beautiful," Gwen finished and turned around.
She walked up to him and pulled Miles into a hug. "Thank you," Gwen whispered into his ears.
Her room already had a completely new aura to it. Gone was the strangling atmosphere from yesterday. Now she felt like never leaving her room again, just as Miles had promised her. Her place was finally clean from the darkness.
"You're welcome, Gwen. I told you I'd always be there for you," Miles whispered back and hugged her tightly.
She hadn't realized that tears were streaming down her face, but Miles must've felt his shirt getting wet.
"Hey, hey, what's going on?" Miles asked worried and rubbed her back up and down for comfort.
Gwen leaned back a little and immediately wiped her tears away. "Sorry, but sometimes I just can't hold the tears back. It's just that... the last time I was in this room was after the talk with Miguel and Jess."
Miles grimaced, and Gwen knew that he knew which 'talk' she was talking about.
"It was bad. Really, really bad. I had a breakdown and hadn't entered my room ever since. But yesterday when I came back. It felt like my room was still holding onto all the bad energy from that night, and I couldn't stand to be here anymore," Gwen explained as she tried to stop those tears from falling down.
"I'm sorry," Gwen sniffled. "I didn't invite you over to cry and rant to you."
"No, it's okay. Please, do it if you need to. I told you I want to be there for you," Miles insisted and grabbed Gwen by her shoulders.
He was right. He had told her that several times, and her psychologist had told her to accept help whenever someone would offer.
Gwen nodded her head. "You're right. Thank you, Miles," she said.
Miles smiled and pulled her back to a hug. Gwen decided that Miles gave the best hugs. So many people have been hugging her ever since her time at the medbay, her father, Pavitr, Hobie etc, but none of them gave her as much comfort as Miles'. Maybe it was the way he smelled so nice, or how she perfectly fit into his embrace, but she just loved his the most.
Once they broke free from their hug, Gwen's eyes fell onto the pink paint on top of her desk, and suddenly got an idea.
"You're very good at painting, Miles. You don't mind teaching me, right?" Gwen asked as she took the brush.
"Sure. When you visit my universe, I can show you at the place I used to make graffiti," Miles said, excited at the idea of teaching her.
"Aww but why not now? Let's just start right here," Gwen said and painted a line right across his cheek.
Miles closed his eyes and smiled, because he kind of expected this. His spider-senses warned him but he let it happen anyway, for her sake.
"You know what? You're right. But you know what I actually missed? The pink in your hair."
Miles quickly grabbed the brush from her hands, pulled Gwen towards his chest and managed to get some pink paint into her hair through her struggling.
And that was how they continued painting and attacking each other, until they were interrupted by Gwen's phone ringing.
"Oh it's time for snacks. You want some?" Gwen asked him, confusing Miles.
"Wait you made an alarm just for snack time?" he asked.
"It was actually Miguel. He did it before he gave me back my phone. I noticed it first when the alarm went off at 7 in the morning," Gwen told him.
At this point, Gwen had gotten used to waking up at that time every morning. But that didn't mean that she didn't nearly experience a heart attack at the sound of her alarm waking her up. But she didn't get rid of the alarms for each meal. At least not for now. She didn't trust herself enough to get rid of them.
"Come on, let's eat something," Gwen said and left to get a pack of chips.
The two sat on the floor as they were eating chips and staring at the newly painted and decorated wall.
"When will you get your suit back?" Miles asked.
"After I have gained 30 more pounds," Gwen said and rolled her eyes.
"It shouldn't bother me because I know I'm still way too skinny, but I just wanna swing again."
Miles immediately had an idea.
"You know, if you wanna swing again, just tell me," he offered.
Gwen smiled and said: "I'll keep that in mind."
The two continued sitting and eating in silence until Gwen put her head back onto his shoulder. The two were covered in paint as they were eating chips, so it might have not been the most romantic scene, but to them it was perfect.
*
Gwen was laying on her bed as she started at her brand new wall. When she looked at the bottom, she realized that Miles had even signed it and chuckled.
Everything on the wall really represented her well. He even painted some smileys, which had nothing to do with her, but she loved them anyway. Then Gwen realized that he'd painted several purple butterflies and pulled out her phone.
Gwen: why the butterflies on the wall?
And a few minutes later he texted her back.
Miles: cause they remind me of you right now
Gwen: how comes?
Miles: just a feeling I have
After she put down her phone she grabbed a childhood picture of herself that she hadn't glued to the wall and stared at it. She was at the playground and sitting on a swing smiling. She was wearing a yellow dress that Gwen still remembered, because it was her favorite dress at the time. But all that Gwen could see in this picture was her smiling widely to the camera.
Gwen could still feel her. That little girl was hidden somewhere in the back of her heart, and trying to show herself. There was still something luring, keeping her from truly escaping the lock, but maybe Gwen had already managed to turn the lock a little.
She was still getting better.