Chapter 11
It was another sleepless night where Gwen was too much in her head, and it was completely out of her hands. Her mind wouldn't shut off as it felt like another dark grey cloud was glooming right over her.
It was reminiscent of all the nights Gwen had spent wide awake, trying to make her mind shut off and hoping for sleep to come. It was a whirlwind of thoughts going through her head until Gwen couldn't even decipher what was actually going on anymore.
Gwen was close to losing it again. She wanted to make it shut up in anyway possible. Gwen couldn't allow herself to fall down again, but it was getting really difficult. She didn't know how to deal with things. The first time she had a sleepless night like this she developed anorexia, and that stressed her out immensely.
Gwen had hoped that maybe it would pass and she could just fall asleep again, but after another hour of tossing and turning in her bed, she'd had enough. Gwen picked up her phone and saw the time. 2am, and she hadn't slept a blink.
Gwen was frustrated, tired and seeing how late it was made her want to throw her phone out of the window. But through all the exhaustion and pent up emotions, she was reminded of Miles and how he'd promised to be only one call away.
'It's 2am, should I do it or is that too much to ask for?' Gwen pondered.
She was about to put her phone down until the feeling of longing, fear and helplessness hit her. Gwen could really, really need someone right now, and at first she thought that maybe she could just tell him about it later during the day, but then she would had already forgotten about most of her problems and told him 'it's okay, it's all over now anyway.' Then another night, the same thing would happen again, and it would get only worse from then.
Maybe Gwen would regret this another time, but right now she just needed to talk to him.
Gwen: are u awake?
It took two minutes until Miles replied.
Miles: yes Ganke and I were working on something
Miles: are u ok?
Gwen: I could really use your shoulder
Gwen's heart was racing as she was waiting for his reply. 'Please, say yes. Please, say yes. Please, say yes.'
Miles: I'll be there in ten minutes on your rooftop
Miles: we need to finish this up real quick
Gwen released a huge breath. She shouldn't be stressing out about this kind of stuff, but whenever it came to Miles she would stress out a bit too much at times.
Once Gwen was on the rooftop and Miles eventually arrived, the two sat on the edge and watched the city. It was a warm evening, and both sat there wearing T-shirts. Gwen was finally no longer cold all the time.
"I couldn't sleep," Gwen said first.
"Why? Was it another nightmare?" Miles asked.
Gwen had told him a while ago that she struggled with nightmares. Apparently she wasn't the only one as Miles had also been struggling with nightmares, but he never told her what they were about. And she didn't want to push him, because he never pushed her either, and it would be hypocritical of her to do so.
"No, I just couldn't sleep. My mind didn't really feel like letting me rest," Gwen let out a little laugh. "Once I had a sleepless night like this I got sick, and my mind thought it would be a nice idea to remind me of that."
"Just talk it all out, Gwen, " Miles merely said.
He knew that talking was the only thing she could do that could help. There was not much he himself could do other than listening to her rant. It wasn't like he had some magic pill that could just knock her out or something.
Gwen was silent for another moment and then continued. "It feels like my days are all fine and sunshine, but the moment I put my head on my pillow and it gets dark outside, my mind wants to remind me of all my failures and mistakes. And I can't do anything other than listening to it because no matter what, it won't shut the hell up, and I have to spend the entire night enduring the noise in my head."
Miles knew what Gwen was talking about oh so well, because after the fight with the Spot, Miles had gone through a period where he could barely sleep because the words of a certain vampire repeated themselves in his head over and over again. And even though he and Miguel had made up and the man had even apologized, the wound was still there.
"I just keep getting reminded of Peter, my dad, my slipups as Spider-Woman, the little girl that I had almost gotten killed during a fire and then I start thinking again: 'is any of this even worth it? Am I even worth any of the help?'"
Gwen was breathing heavily as her hands were both balled into fists and she tried to calm down.
"It's easier during the day to remind myself how much all of this is worth it. But during the night..." Gwen whispered.
During the night, she'd feel so small, so helpless, and nothing would be strong enough to pull her out of it. It felt like Gwen was sinking into a deep endless hole of hopelessness.
"Miles, I'm sorry if this isn't going anywhere, but I really just needed to talk," Gwen apologized.
"No, no, it's okay. I kind of expected this," he reassured her. "You know, it's okay to feel like shit at times, but you shouldn't feel worthless."
"It's easier said than done," Gwen said bitterly, not to Miles though, but to herself.
"Remember when every Spider-Person was chasing me, and then Miguel pushed me to a train?" Miles asked after another moment of silence.
Gwen flinched, because how on earth could she forget the day that emotionally scarred her for several reasons.
"When I saw nothing but fiery red eyes that looked like they were ready to murder me, and over hundreds of Spider-People were chasing me, I thought to myself: 'Damn, I must absolutely terrible and worthless 'cause I'm just one step away from dying.'"
"You were never worthless, Miles," Gwen interjected. "None of that was your fault."
"I know that now, but back then? When my adrenaline rush was so high that at this point, nothing could ever get it that high again? Yeah, I didn't know that," he said. "But then I thought to myself 'You know what, I don't care about what they think I am, or who or what I'm supposed to be, because if I have every chance to make things better then I would take it."
Maybe it didn't exactly happen the way he told her, and he left out the part where he nearly shit himself out of fear, but that didn't mean it didn't happen anyway.
"And sometimes I remember my Uncle Aaron, and it reminds me of how death can really just be one step away and you never even know. And yes, that thought stresses me out, but if it didn't then I still would dwell on all my mistakes."
Gwen watched him with wide eyes, feeling shock but also pride. "Wow, Miles. Why... why have you never told me any of this before?"
Miles shrugged his shoulders. "It was never the right time or moment. But now it was."
The two continued sitting in silence, as they were watching the city.
"You know," Gwen started. "When I found out at the med bay that my vitals were so bad that I wasn't even supposed to be alive, I truly felt like I had experienced the shock of my life. I don't think anything could scare me the way that that moment scared me. It felt like an out of body experience."
"Is that a good thing?" Miles asked and the two started laughing.
"I don't know, but it was enough to make me wanna recover even more, so I guess it is."
Once their laughter died down, Gwen put her head on his shoulder. "Thank you, Miles. You always know what to say to me, you know?"
"Disaster makes you wiser," Miles said. "Though I wouldn't consider myself wise at all. I just learned a thing or two."
But to Gwen he was very wise, much more than she was at least. Because between all the terrible jokes and awkward moments that caused for Gwen to feel second-hand embarrassment, he was a lot more mature than some adults she knew.
And as Gwen went to bed that night and took one last look at her childhood picture over her bed, she thought to herself: 'It is all worth it,' and managed to fall asleep in less than five minutes. her mind was quiet, and her sleep was restful.
*
"I'd made this home a living hell, didn't I?" Gwen asked her dad as the two were eating breakfast one Sunday morning.
It just felt like something she needed to say. Gwen had been thinking about this for weeks, but never knew how to bring it up without souring the mood. But right now her gut feeling screamed at her to bring it up.
Her father was frozen for a second until he said: "It wasn't a living hell, Gwen. It was..."
He didn't know how to say it without making it sound like she was to blame for it.
"Please tell me the truth, don't say something to spare my feelings," Gwen begged.
He released a breath and said: "It was just painful, Gwen. Seeing you like that, I felt hopeless and stuck."
He tried to say it in the nicest way possible, because it actually kind of was one step away from being a living hell.
The two were silent until Gwen whispered a silent: "I'm sorry."
"No, don't be, it wasn't your fault," her father tried reassuring her. "I should've done better. I never really talked with you about our problems. That was on me, not on you. I could've done way more about it."
Gwen was poking her omelette with her fork as she spoke. "still, it didn't have to go so bad."
"No, but it happened anyway. And it's all over now. The only thing we can do now is never letting it happen again."
Gwen thought about all the months the two had spent in this home. It was almost unlivable, and neither could bear spending their time here. The guilt was still there, telling her that she was the one to cause all the mess.
But then she looked at their homelife now. The atmosphere changed entirely. It was livable, and whenever Gwen returned home after every therapy session, she truly felt home.
Yes, she would never let it happen again.
*
Her drum was really dusty. It had been so long since Gwen had sat down and actually played her drum. This entire morning she felt her drum kits staring at her as crazy as that might sound.
So, Gwen decided to actually start again. Her father was not home either so she could play as loud as she could (or until their neighbors started complaining. Gwen didn't forget about the time one neighbor even called the police.)
But the moment Gwen sat down and was ready to play again, she noticed that her drum was covered in dust. A hell lot of dust to the point she made a heart shape with her finger over the hi-hat and the dirty color was suddenly golden.
So Gwen got up with a groan and got everything ready to clean it all up. As she was cleaning up her drum and getting rid of all the dust, she heard a familiar voice calling her name from outside.
"Gwen." There it was again.
The moment she looked out of the window, she saw Pavitr in his Spider-suit swinging around and calling out her name. Maybe it wasn't the smartest thing of him to scream out her name in public, but neither seemed to care.
Gwen laughed out loud and made a heart shape with her arms and then pointed at him, which he returned as he was swinging upside down. It seemed that today it was Pavitr's turn to patrol her universe until she got her suit back.
She stared longingly as he shot web after web and basically flew over the city. She wanted her suit back so badly, but she still wasn't ready. Gwen couldn't wait for the day to arrive, and it was only more motivation for her to continue getting better.
"Soon," Gwen told herself. "Soon you'll be up there again."
*
Miles' mom called Gwen over for dinner. Gwen was told that cooking for Miles' friend was something she liked doing. What Miles didn't tell her was that his mom knew about her recovery, and that she wanted to do something nice for the young woman. And Miles had been thinking of having a movie night together anyway, so it felt like the perfect opportunity.
The moment Gwen stood in front of their apartment and Miles opened the door for her, she was greeted by a delicious smell hitting her nose.
"Buenos días, señorita," Miles greeted her with a wide smile.
Gwen giggled. "What got you in such a good mood?"
"My mom is cooking my favorite food," Miles beamed.
"It's not for you, Mijo. It's for Gwen," his mom called out from the kitchen.
Miles pouted at his mom's words. "Doesn't mean I'm not gonna eat it."
The two walked inside towards the dining table. Gwen could see Miles' mom preparing the bowls with her back turned towards them. The moment Rio heard them close, she turned around to greet their guest until her eyes fell on Gwen and her breathing hitched.
Rio knew everything about Gwen's anorexia thanks to Miles, and she shouldn't have been surprised to see her current state. But Gwen was so tiny, small and frail. She looked easily breakable, and Rio wasn't sure how to react for a second.
The first time she had seen Gwen, Rio assumed that she was too old for Miles. But now as they were eye to eye, it felt like looking at a child, and Rio realized that this was exactly what Gwen was. She was still a child, barely any different from Miles, and maybe it was her motherly instincts, but Rio nearly broke into tears at the sight of her.
("This is her being better and healthier, mamá," Miles would tell her later. But those words didn't reassure her, they only hurt worse, knowing that this wasn't even the worst Gwen had been. He told her how bad it was, but she hadn't been prepared for how bad it truly was.)
"It's nice to see you, Gwen," she lightly said.
"It's good to see you, too, Mrs. Morales," Gwen said with a small smile. (Yes, Miles had warned her beforehand about not calling his parents by their first name.)
"Come on, we have Asopao de Pollo for dinner," Miles said as he dragged her by her arm to sit down.
"So, Miles told me that you're in a band," Rio said, in a mean to start a conversation.
"Oh yes. Kind of. Well, we're on hold right now," Gwen said.
"Can I listen to your songs one day?" Miles asked.
"When we bring the band back together and actually stay together this time then sure," Gwen giggled.
"What do you mean with 'this time'?" Miles' mom asked.
"We broke up the band and got back together again several times. I think this is the third time at this point. The girls and I have a relationship like nobody else," Gwen explained.
"Sounds like the relationship I have with myself," Miles mumbled and blushed when Gwen started laughing. She wasn't supposed to hear that.
Miles carefully watched Gwen as she ate her Asopao. He realized that she was no longer eating as slowly as she used to. Gwen also stopped eyeing her food before actually starting eating. he smiled at the realization and continued eating.
"So for our movie night I thought we could watch 'How to Train Your Dragon' if you like," Miles offered.
"What is that? Never heard of it," Gwen said.
Miles looked like his eyes were about to fall off. "Your universe doesn't have 'How to Train Your Dragon'?" Miles asked, baffled.
"Is it that good?" Gwen asked, giggling at his shocked expression.
"You tell me after you finished watching it," Miles said.
*
"I hate my universe. Why don't we have this movie?" Gwen asked, angry over the fact that nobody in her universe had thought of creating this movie.
"Wait until you watched the sequels," Miles smirked at her as she widened her eyes.
"There are sequels?" Gwen asked amazed.
"And much more. Next movie night we're gonna watch the second movie," Miles said.
The two were eating snacks. Gwen and Miles had finished a whole bag of Oreo cookies, Gwen's favorite snack.
"Your universe is so much better than mine," Gwen jokingly pouted, although she actually meant it.
"But your universe has cooler colors. It's like I can read people's minds whenever they change," Miles said as he took a bite of another Oreo cookie.
"But I still prefer yours. Wouldn't mind staying here with you forever," Gwen said with closed eyes as she lay down on the couch.
Gwen didn't open her eyes after she realized what her words implied, but judging by Miles' hitched breath she knew that he realized it, too. She just hoped that her face didn't heat up.
"Try-" Miles coughed, trying to get his voice to tone down after it went up a whole octave. "Try telling that Miguel."
"Next therapy session I will," Gwen joked and opened her eyes to look at him. "I'll tell him that a movie made that choice for me."
"Make him watch the movie, too. That'll change his mind, too," Miles laughed out.
Gwen laughed along with him until it got quiet, but it was not an awkward silence. More so, it helped Gwen taking everything in. It had been a beautiful day. Nothing happened other than the fact that Gwen ate dinner with Miles and his mother (his father had been at work) and that they watched a movie. But to Gwen, those things meant everything to her.
And she realized that as of recently everything made her happy, as long as her friends were around.
*
It was Gwen's first day of school after summer holidays, and honestly, she didn't know whether to be excited or downright miserable. She didn't know what to expect, if people would notice the changes within her, or if somebody would say or mention something. Gwen dearly hoped that nobody would bother her and just leave her alone.
Gwen just wanted to go to school like normal again, wanted to be able to concentrate in class and actually work. She never thought she'd say this, but it was truly now that Gwen appreciated school and missed it.
But first, she had a specific person to approach. It was a certain red-head who had been waiting for Gwen to get better, so they could put the band back together. And last night, as Gwen prepared her schoolbag and threw a look at her drum kit, it was the first thing that had crossed her mind.
As she was walking down the school halls, Gwen cursed herself for not knowing the location of MJ's locker. Some people started staring at her after seeing Gwen walking back and forth the halls several times. But eventually, her eyes caught glimpse of fiery red hair, and Gwen slowly made her way over to her as her heart was racing.
The last time they interacted was a mess, and Gwen could still remember the tears falling from MJ's eyes. She didn't know what kind of reaction she would receive. Until now, everyone usually reacted as if she were a small, fragile child that needed the utmost care.
MJ was standing in front of her open locker as she was doing something on her phone. She was so focused that she hadn't even noticed Gwen's appearance next to her.
"MJ?" Gwen hesitantly said.
The moment MJ lifted up her head and saw Gwen standing right next to, her eyes went comically wide in surprise and wonder and she sucked in a breath,opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something and then let her phone fall onto the floor.
"Look, I- uff," Gwen started but was interrupted by MJ throwing herself at her and the two fell onto the floor
*
Gwen had been feeling sick for the past two days. After each meal, she started feeling bloated again, which hadn't happened in quite some time. The last time she used to get bloated like this was during the beginning of her recovery.
Not only was she bloated, but she was also quite nauseous. Now, as Gwen was still in bed, tossing and turning around, she tried to ignore this sick feeling and continue sleeping. It was Saturday morning, for God's sake. Couldn't she just enjoy her weekend morning in bed?
But the nausea wasn't planning on leaving, and with a groan, Gwen got off her bed and walked to the bathroom. Maybe she couldn't sleep, but she decided that she could just go to the bathroom, wash her face, take some medication for her nausea, and lay in bed for some time.
However, the moment Gwen sat down on the toilette seat and looked down at her underwear, Gwen's eyes widened at the sight of a stain. Blood stain. Gwen was on her period.
Her eyes widened at the sight in shock, but then the shocked expression turned into that of delight and tears of joy fell from her eyes. After almost a year, Gwen was finally on her period again. She never thought she'd say this, but Gwen couldn't be any happier to have her period.
The bloating, the nausea, the cramps, none of that mattered, because Gwen was finally given a sign that she was healthy again. According to her doctor she still had to gain five pounds to be back at her old weight to be considered physically recovered, but to Gwen, knowing that she was menstruating again was sign enough. This was worth all the months of battling. She couldn't wait to tell her doctor about it on Monday.
After Gwen finished her job in the bathroom, she took a painkiller, drank some water and went back to her bed. The winter sun was shining through the window, illuminating her room and as Gwen looked around her place, she felt a sense of calmness.
It felt as though the sun was shining for her and saying: "You did every right, Gwen. This one's for you."
Her room was no longer a place of hiding, a place she would use to let herself break apart. Instead, now it gave her a sense of serenity and safety. The stars glued onto her ceiling, the painting on her walls, the picture collage above her bed, and Gwen's emotions in general made this place truly feel home.
But it was also moments like these were another realization would hit her, saying: "You wasted all these months for nothing. All this pain and for what?"
Gwen didn't know. She wished she had never put herself through any of that. But she couldn't change the past, couldn't go back and tell her younger self not to do any of that. And maybe there was a reason for why she endured all this, but Gwen decided to not dwell on it, because hey, she got her period back. She was just one step away from finally getting her suit back.
Gwen's eyes closed as she felt the nausea fading away, and fell back asleep as the sun was shining on her.
*
"You know, I don't regret that I went through anorexia," Gwen said as she stared at the city lights.
Miles eyes widened at the confession, trying to make sense of what she just admitted. It sounded mind boggling to him that Gwen didn't regret something that nearly killed her. But Miles wanted to listen.
"How comes?" he asked.
Gwen sighed and closed her eyes. She knew that her words came across as concerning. Gwen could only assume that Miles was worried over a possible relapse.
"Because everything was going wrong," Gwen started.
"So many problems, and I never figured out how to deal with them. I tried to ignore them, forget them, or sometimes I told myself: 'It doesn't matter anyway. What's done is done, Gwen. Just move on,' and all of that made it only worse."
Gwen looked over to Miles with sad eyes. But there were no tears. Gwen was crying less and less. In fact, her break downs were mostly gone. In the past month, Gwen had only two breakdowns, which she considered a mile-stone. Crying was exhausting. Even just remembering all the times she cried was tiring.
"I never truly moved on from Peter's death," Gwen whispered. "And I'm still not over it."
Miles understood. He himself had never truly gotten over his uncle's death, and he didn't think that he could ever move on from that. He missed him every single day, and he was sure that he was going to miss him forever.
"And I don't think I will ever be over it," Gwen breathed out.
"No, you won't," Miles agreed.
It was silent for a moment until Gwen asked: "Do you think it will ever get easier, that it will hurt less?"
A tear was falling from Miles' eye, which resembled Gwen's. Would it ever get easier? He didn't know, and he was scared that it eventually wouldn't and that the heartbreak would only ever grow.
"Because sometimes I feel like it only gets worse, even now," Gwen admitted. "It's been years and I feel just as much pain as back then, if not, worse."
"I feel you," Miles whispered.
Miles had days where the pain would be so bad, he couldn't bring himself out of bed. The guilt would eat him alive, and it was only through Peter that he could get up again. The man had gone through the same thing, and knew what to say to Miles to lift him up.
"But," Gwen started. "I at least no longer blame myself for his death. I guess that's something."
Miles looked over to Gwen in surprise.
"I used to blame myself for everything. For Peter's death, for my fight with my dad, for everything that happened with you and Miguel, just everything you could think of," Gwen said.
"You didn't do anything wrong during the fight with Miguel. I mean, yeah sure, I wish it would've been different, but Hobie told me about you and your dad and I understood things better. It wasn't your fault at all," Miles tried reassuring her.
"I know that. Or, at least I know that now. It was very easy to blame myself for absolutely everything and feel like I needed to control my life in some way. Hadn't I been anorexic, nearly died and started recovery I think I still would blame myself for everything and obsess over control."
Those words sat heavy in Miles' heart. "I only wished that it didn't take you nearly dying to stop all of that," he murmured.
"Me neither, but I don't know and don't wanna know who I would be if I hadn't been anorexic," Gwen admitted.
Life was so different ever since she started recovery. She felt like a child discovering the world. Every sunshine was brighter, every meal tasted so much better, every interaction with friends was more enjoyable, and every moment was more meaningful. life had never been this way for her before. and yes, she had moments where things would go dark and she struggled to get out of them, but she always got up again.
"I'm just glad that I got better. That's all I wanna think about," Gwen said. "Pretty sure I'll get my suit back soon, too. We still have a race ahead of us."
"Sadly, you won't win that one," Miles smiled.
Gwen laughed and lightly punched his shoulder.
"You were wrong by the way," Gwen said.
Miles furrowed his eyebrows and turned to look at her. "About what?"
"You said that disaster makes you wise. It doesn't. Admitting that you have a problem? Now that makes you wiser."
Miles smiled at that. "Might explain a lot. I had the entire Spider-Society telling me that I'm the problem. I do feel a couple hundred years older now."
"Shut up," Gwen laughed along with Miles.
*
It was two weeks after she had gotten her period back, that Miguel and Jess confronted her after another therapy session. This was not unusual, she almost always saw one of them each Monday. However, this time Jess was holding a bag, and Gwen got curious.
"What's in there?" Gwen asked.
Jess chuckled at her question. "Really? You have no idea what could be in there?"
But Gwen genuinely had no idea, so she blankly stared at them, waiting for an answer.
This time, it was Miguel who talked: "So with all the therapy sessions, check ups and weight ins showing us your improvements we thought it was finally time to return this to you."
'This' he said, and Gwen instantly knew what he meant by that, feeling stupid that she didn't get instantly. Her heartbeat accelerated, her palms got sweaty and Gwen was ready to jump.
As Miguel pulled out her Spider-suit he said: "Here's your su-"
But Gwen interrupted him with a squeal as she yanked her suit out of his hands. Gwen searched her suit for any cuts, discoloration and so on. She held it close to her face and breathed in the smell of the familiar suit that she missed so dearly.
She missed this suit so much, and everything that it meant. This suit was part of who Gwen was. Being Spider-Woman, and now that she got to be her again, Gwen was ready to get changed and go patrolling again.
Gwen looked up from her suit to see a smiling Jess and a disturbed-looking Miguel.
"Thank you," Gwen whispered to them from the bottom of her heart.
"We did what we had to do," Miguel said nonchalantly, but Gwen could read between the lines. She could see him trying not to smile.
"No, you two didn't have to do anything, but did it anyway. Really, thank you guys for everything," Gwen said and walked over them for a hug.
Both adults were surprised at the sudden act of affection, but hugged her back.
"I owe you guys big time," Gwen whispered.
"Just stay healthy. That's all we ask for," Jess whispered back.
"I think I can do that."
*
Miles was laying on his bed with his eyes closed as he was listening to music through his headphones. All was fine and good, until he felt something, or somebody more specifically, falling down on his bed, startling him.
"Woah, woah. Wait- Gwen?" Miles eyes landed on the blonde, who was wearing her Spider-suit.
"You promised me a race as I remember correctly," Gwen smirked.
"Gwen, you... you got your suit back," Miles said in surprise.
"And you know what that means. Get changed, I'll meet you otuside," Gwen said.
*
Gwen felt alive.
The moment she put on her suit, Gwen felt truly alive. It took six months, but it was all worth it. Every cry, every breakdown, every moment of comfort, every second of determination, and now she was back to wearing her suit and being Spider-Woman.
The first thing that came to her mind after putting on her suit was Miles, who had promised a race. Gwen knew that she was going to lose that race. After six months of being inactive as Spider-Woman, she knew that the chances of winning were slim, but she didn't care. Gwen just wanted to spend some time with him.
And once Miles landed right next to her on their rooftop, dressed in his Spider-suit, the two got into position.
"Ready to lose?" Miles asked.
"Absolutely," Gwen said truthfully.
"In your dre- wait what?"
Miles was so confused by her answer, that it took him two seconds to notice that Gwen had already taken off.
"Hey, you're not playing fair," Miles shouted and followed.
"All's fair in love and war," Gwen shouted back and laughed.
Gwen was elated. Despite the cold and drizzling rain, her body was burning hot and she felt like a feather soaring through the sky. She was swinging without a headache, without excruciating pain on her shoulders and arms, without the need to escape something, but more so to just witness and experience every moment.
Gwen eventually stopped and hang upside down a building as she stared across the city. It was December and New York City was covered in snow. She couldn't stop staring, taking in the view of the city in its fullest as it was getting dark really quickly. Even though she had taken Miles' offer of swinging around with him , it didn't feel the same as doing it by herself.
She was so immersed by the view that she hadn't realized Miles hanging down right next to her.
"It's always prettier during wintertime," Miles said as he took in the view as well.
"I remember my first winter as Spider-Woman. Couldn't stop watching the city those months almost every night. It was as if the whole world was asleep and there was just me," Gwen told him as she recalled the memories.
And right now, Gwen didn't feel any different. It was as if there was nobody else in this world other than Miles and her. She took off her mask to feel the wind and rain htting her face.
"I felt similarly. It was as if the world was so small that I could hold it in my hands," Miles said as he took off his mask.
Gwen turned to look at him and studied his face. He looked relaxed, content even. She liked looking at his face, especially when he would smile. That would be enough to make her smile and feel butterflies in her stomach.
It was moments like these she would ask herself why he never made the first move, because according to everyone (and with everyone, she meant absolutely everyone that knew the two) he was supposedly hopelessly in love with her (Hobie's words, not hers).
At times, when her mind would be free of all worries and there was enough room to finally think of something else, she would think of Miles. In fact, the person that seemed to cross her mind the most was Miles, and she had admitted to herself a long time ago that she had a crush on him.
"He's not scared of you rejecting him, you know? He's scared of the time not being right for you," Hobie told her one day as the two were sitting together at the cafeteria and Miles had to leave earlier.
That explained a lot, especially because there had been many moments where Miles would come closer to her, freeze up and then put a distance again. And if Gwen thought about, there was a time during her recovery where she was definitely not ready. it had not even crossed her mind to date him even once.
But now, as she was finally better in every sense possible, she was absolutely ready.
"Thank you, Miles," Gwen said meakly.
Miles turned to look at her with a smile, albeit looking confused. "For what?"
"You've always been there for me no matter what. Even after I called you over at two in the morning. You're such a great friend. You're..." Gwen breathed out. "You're so much more than that."
Miles could feel his heart beating rapidly when he realized what she implied.
"You know, there is this really amazing guy that I know, and he once told me that there is a first time for everything," Gwen smiled. "And he stuck with me through every breakdown, every sleepless night, and just every time that I needed him even if he never had to do any of that."
Miles coughed, trying to keep his voice low. "Maybe he didn't have to, but he really just wanted to."
"And that's what makes me want him even more," Gwen whispered as they were staring into each other's eyes.
In that moment, Miles decided to suck up all his worries and the anxiety creeping up inside of him and slowly leaned forward to her. And when he saw that Gwen was also leaning closer to him, he gently held her jaw with his fingers and fully leaned in for a kiss.
It was cold, raining, the two were mess as both of them had rapid heartbeats, and considering that both were completely inexperienced in the love department it was one hell of an awkward first kiss, and they both loved it.
Miles was still holding her jaw in his hand and Gwen's arm was going around his neck to pull him even closer. The two continued awkwardly kissing each other until they both needed to breathe and pulled back. The two were staring into each other's eyes like lovestruck puppies.
Gwen realized two things in that moment. One, she would never trust movies again when it came to love, because first kisses were never depicted this awkwardly (or maybe it was solely because Gwen and Miles were two idiots that managed to make things weird, but Gwen would still not trust them).
And two, Miles Morales was truly the biggest idiot on the planet and she loved him for that. Gwen couldn't imagine any other person by her side that could bear all her ups and downs the way he did.
And there was another thing that Gwen realized, which she whispered into his ear: "By the way, I won the race."
Miles smiled at her, gave her a quick peck on her lips and whispered back: "I don't mind that at all."