Chapter 9
Ever since Miles witnessed Gwen having a mental breakdown at the HQ a couple days ago, his sleep had been plagued with feverish nightmares. Witnessing her in such a disheveled state broke him in a way he could not comprehend. That moment was forever engraved into his mind.
Miles missed Gwen, which was a bit ironic considering he just saw her a few days ago. But that didn't count. He wanted to hang out with her, laugh, talk, have fun, and actually see her enjoying herself. Because what he had seen a few days ago was emotionally scarring.
Miles thought of Gwen every single day, if not, every moment that his mind was not preoccupied by something. He worried about her immensely and missed her more than anything. Miles wanted to see her but did not know how he would react or what he could even say to her. Solely seeing her in front of him knowing that she was alive was more than he could ask for.
But it was radio silent. Ever since that incident, he had been texting her but to no avail. His messages wouldn't even reach her, and it made him that much more paranoid. He wanted to see her, needed to see her and know that she was somehow all right.
At this point, the only time he ever saw her was in pictures and dreams. The pictures brought back nice memories whereas his dreams were nothing other than horrifying nightmares that felt way too real. Nightmares where he couldn't even wake himself out off.
And that had happened several times at this point.
*
He saw her. Gwen was at the HQ looking like an absolute wreck. He wanted to walk up to her but Miles felt his legs glued to the ground.
"Gwen?" Miles asked in surprise at seeing her here.
Gwen looked towards him and for just a second, he smiled at finally seeing her look at him until he noticed the look in her eyes and his heart dropped to his stomach. Her eyes looked lifeless, and the vibrant ocean blue was replaced by a dull color. Miles still tried walking up to her but his legs just wouldn't do what he wanted them to.
"Gwen, are you...okay?" He carefully asked instead.
Tears were streaming down her face and suddenly she was down on her knees, her legs too weak to keep on holding her up anymore.
"No, Gwen!" Miles let out shakily but was finally able to move as he ran towards her.
He hoped to help her up, but once he landed in front of her on the ground she completely collapsed onto the floor and her eyes closed.
"No, no, no, no," Miles kept on saying as he lifted Gwen up into his arms.
"Gwen?" He asked, trying to see if she was present but she wouldn't even budge.
Her eyes were closed, and it didn't look like her chest was any longer moving. Miles felt his panic rising as he cradled Gwen's lifeless body towards his chest and held her face in his hand.
"Gwen please," Miles started crying. "Please don't do this to me. I'm sorry."
He frantically looked around to see that nobody was here. Why wasn't a single spider-person here in this overcrowded, godforsaken place now of all times?
"It's okay, Gwen," he continued crying and whispering. "It's all gonna be okay. Im here and I won't leave you now."
He grabbed her wrist, looking for a pulse but couldn't find one, and Miles felt like he could collapse as well.
"No," Miles choked out. "No, Gwen. No, please. Don't leave me. Im sorry."
Miles hid his face in the crook of her neck as he could no longer hold back his crying and sobbing.
"Im sorry I wasn't there for you. Im sorry that I didn't help you. But im here now so please, please don't go."
Her body was cold, frail and there was no heartbeat. He held her hand towards his chest trying to warm her up even if there was no use in it. But still, Miles wanted to deny it and pretend like it was all some sick joke. He looked up and started screaming.
"Help! Please, someone help!"
But nobody came to help.
"Peter, Pav, Hobie, Miguel, Jess. Please, just somebody. Anybody, help!" He continued screaming.
Why was nobody helping? Why didn't anybody come to help her? Why didn't Miles help her all this time?
Why? Just why didn't he help her? Why didn't he do more for her? It was all his fault.
Gwen died in his arms and that was all on him.
Miles was screaming and tossing in his bed until he felt gentle hands holding his arms down and his mother's voice saying something to him.
"Miles, baby. Calm down. It's just a dream," she said.
Finally Miles opened his eyes but needed a moment to feel grounded again. That nightmare was way too realistic for him to just get back to earth. The image wouldn't leave his mind. Gwen lying dead in his arms, completely broken and Miles couldn't help but start crying.
"Oh mijo, come here," his mother said, lifted him up by his arms and held him close.
"It's gonna be all right. It was just a dream," she tried consoling him but Miles only shook his head.
It was certainly not just a dream. Miles lived absolutely scared to death that this scenario could come true. That one day it was too late to do anything for her because she had already taken her very last breath.
"Oh Gwen," was all Miles choked out.
"Gwen? What happened? What did she do?" His mother asked as she slowly and gently released her son from her embrace to take a good look at him.
Miles wanted to say something but was too shaken up to speak. He opened his mouth, each time trying to tell her but that would only dishevel him even more.
"It's okay, mijo. It's okay, just calm down first and breathe," she said and went with her fingers through his hair to help him relax.
"Do you need a glass of water?" She asked him to which he nodded his head.
"Jeff get him some water," his mother said as she turned towards the door.
It was then that he realized that his father was also there, and suddenly he felt bad about waking them both up with his screaming. They both have an early shift tomorrow, they should be sleeping and not help their child with his nightmares.
His father returned immediately and handed him a glass of water. It helped him calm down, and after a minute or so of contemplating, he finally started talking.
"Can I tell you guys something?" Miles asked.
His parents could help him out. His parents, especially his mom, always had the right words to say. they were always able to say something or give a piece of advice that had so far always been beneficial and helpful.
They sat down in front of him on his bed and waited for him to start talking.
Miles felt his chest tightening and a lump forming in his throat as he remembered the sight of a lifeless Gwen in his arms, but he held back his tears this time.
"Gwen is... sick. Like really, really sick," Miles started.
"How sick are you talking about? What does she have?" His mom asked as she held his hand for comfort.
"Sick as in I think she is anorexic and on the verge of death," Miles muttered and looked up at his parents to see their reaction.
The grip on his mom's hand tightened. They both looked shocked and his mom - though not all too obvious since his room was still dark - turned pale. When neither were able to say something Miles continued.
" and... I just don't know what to do. I have no idea why she is like this, I don't know what happened for her to get to this point. And I tried to talk to her about this several times, but she runs away every time."
Miles emotions were all over the place. Grieve, sadness, worry, and even anger.
"And I wanna help, I really do but she just won't let it happen, and I just don't get it. Why? Why would she let herself get to this point?"
Miles' father put a hand on his back and started caressing it up and down.
"I'm sick with worry and she avoids me like the plague and I wanna care and support her, but when she acts like this I-"
He didn't want to admit it, feeling guilty that he felt this way but couldn't help for doing so.
"I feel like I could just shout at her and tell her to... go away and look after herself if she doesn't even want me around and help her."
God, he felt like a monster for thinking this way, but he wanted to be truthful and get it out. He knew that he shouldn't have a reason to be angry at her, but Miles just couldn't help it.
"I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even think I did enough, and now she's probably gonna-" Miles cut himself off, not able to utter the word, and feeling like he was going to choke up again.
'Die' was what he was going to say, and his parents both knew that.
Miles released a breath, closed his eyes and took in his own words. It felt good to just talk it all out to his parents, especially with all that pent up sadness and anger. He could always count on his parents and their words. But when Miles looked up and saw their shocked and speechless faces, he knew that something was going to be different this time.
His mom was the one to speak up.
"Mijo, I'm so sorry, but I don't know what to say. I guess the only thing you can do is making her understand that she's not alone and that you'll always be there for her. There's not much you can do for people who struggle this way," Rio said quietly, still trying to process the story she had just heard.
And for the first time in his life, his parents, who had always something helpful to say to him, could not help him out.
"Oh mija," his mother whispered in a broken tone, and his dad continued caressing his back.
Miles closed his eyes and released a sigh.
'Oh Gwen,' Miles thought.
*
The next time Miles had another nightmare like this, he was back in his dorm room and woke Ganke up with his screaming and crying.
"Miles! Dude, wake up! Wake the fuck up!" Ganke kept shouting as he shook Miles by his arms, trying to wake him up.
Miles' eyes bursted open and once his vision cleared he was face to face with a horrified looking Ganke.
"Miles, what happened?" Ganke said breathlessly, trying to understand what just happened.
"I-" Miles said but his mouth was too dry to speak from all the crying.
Ganke turned around, grabbed his water bottle and handed it over to his roommate, who fervently drank all of it.
He had the same nightmare like the last time when he had woken up his parents in a similar way. Only this time Gwen was begging for his help and he couldn't do anything because it was too late and she died in his arms. Again.
"I- it was just a nightmare," Miles said, still trying to calm down.
Ganke looked flabbergasted. "Just a nightmare? Miles, you were screaming and shouting like a maniac and wouldn't wake up even after I slapped you. That was scary as hell, dude," Ganke said.
Miles lifted up his hand towards his cheek feeling a light stinging pain, and he realized that Ganke had in fact slapped him across the face.
"That looked more like a night terror to me," Ganke continued. "What happened, man?"
Miles contemplated but thought to himself that this was his best friend. Maybe his parents weren't able to help him, but it didn't hurt to talk to Ganke about this.
So he told his best friend everything that he had said to his parents, apart from the fact that this time he allowed himself to curse, since last time his mother would had surely not let him finish the story without her getting the chanclas.
So when he finished the story and looked at his friend, he didn't look any different from his parents, only that he seemed more sad and remorseful for his friend, knowing that he had a crush on her.
"Dude, I'm... I'm so sorry that this is happening. I know how much you like her. I wish I could help out but I don't know how. If you want we can do some research?" Ganke said.
But research wouldn't help at all. Miles had already done so much research and tried everything he could find, but google couldn't help him any more than his mom. They all said the same thing: Let them know that they're not alone and that you're there to support them.
You can't force someone to get better and recover. And you certainly can't help someone who doesn't want help. Miles already learned this the hard way.
"No, it's all right. I don't think we're gonna find anything useful anyway. Thanks though," Miles said defeated.
Ganke didn't say anything but held Miles' shoulder as a mean for comfort.
*
"Miles, for the last time. No!" Miguel said sternly as he was working on something.
"But why not? I just don't get it," Miles said exasperated.
He had found out that other Spider-People were taking turns in patrolling in Gwen's dimension. When he found out at first he was hurt that he hadn't known about this, then he recovered immediately and saw this as an opportunity to go and see her.
I mean, he could go and see her now too if he wanted to - he desperately wanted to - but he didn't know how to approach her like that. At least with the patrolling he could have an excuse.
"Because I said so," Miguel said.
Miles had begged and begged Miguel to let him patrol in her dimension several times, but that man could not be moved. Miles wanted to see her. He NEEDED to see her. He was getting only more and more desperate each day, especially because she was still not picking up her phone.
Miles only sighed in defeat and looked down at his feet. Miguel turned back around to look at him. He lifted up a hand and put it on Miles' shoulder.
"Miles, Gwen is fine, I promise. But you shouldn't see her yet," Miguel said softly.
Miles looked up in surprise. She was fine? Actually fine? What did Miguel know that he didn't? Was this man lying to him? Was this his revenge for the time Miles and Gwen put glitter in his shampoo and his hair was sparkling?
And what did he mean by 'fine' anyway? Fine as in 'she is finally getting better', or as in 'she is not worse than the last time you saw her' or as in 'she is in a coma right now, but hey, she still has a heartbeat and is breathing'. Okay, the last one made a cold shiver run down his spine, maybe his mind should stop overthinking things this much.
Miguel must have picked up on his doubtful look and he said: "It's getting better, but she needs time and shouldn't be seeing anyone yet."
Miles felt stuck but tried trusting him. He still had his doubts, he needed to see Gwen for himself in order to make the judgement about her condition. But for now he was (trying to) believe the scary as hell vampire.
"Ok, I understand," Miles said.
He actually didn't understand it at all, but did he have another choice?
*
"You did the right thing, you know? With Gwen, I mean," Miles said to Hobie.
The two were on a mission to catch an anomaly in Hobie's dimension. Once the two caught Electro and were done with the mission, they sat on a rooftop and watched the city lights. It was a beautiful view, especially at this time in the evening.
But he could sense that there was something off with Hobie, and he knew exactly what it was. His sour mood had been there since the incident with Gwen at the HQ. Miles knew that Hobie felt guilty about putting her in that situation but despite everyone telling him that this needed to be done, he still couldn't stop feeling guilty.
Hobie continued staring at the city and let out a sigh as he closed his eyes. "Somehow, it doesn't feel like that."
"No, don't think like that. I promise, once she is better she will thank you for being the amazing friend that you are and for trying to help," Miles tried to reassure him.
"Once? How do you know she is getting better? Do you even know where she is?" Hobie asked and turned to look at him in curiosity.
"No, I have no idea where she is nor what she's doing. It's Miguel who tells me that she is 'fine' but I don't know how fine that really makes her," Miles said.
"Miguel said that? And you believe him?" Hobie looked genuinely surprised.
"Normally, I wouldn't believe him anything, but I don't think he would go as far as to lying about that. I believe him, but I wanna know how fine she actually is," he admitted.
The two continued staring at the city in silence.
"It'll all be okay, Hobie," Miles whispered, though he wasn't sure if he was trying to comfort Hobie or himself.
*
"Sorry kid, but Mayday, MJ and I are invited to a birthday party. But you're free to stay at our home and cook for yourself," Peter said over the phone.
Miles groaned at that. "No, but thank you anyway. Maybe next time," he said and hang up the phone.
Miles' parents were both working evening shift today. Whenever that was the case he would usually go over to Peter and eat dinner with him and his family. Peter and MJ were very welcoming and Miles really enjoyed their company.
But today not even that was optional, so he had no other choice than eating at the cafeteria in the HQ. He had hopes though that somebody else would be around. .
But as he was waiting in line to get his food, he received a message of everyone saying that they were busy. Hobie and Pav were on a mission, Peni was in school, Margo was hanging out with a friend, basically everyone was unavailable.
"What the hell is going on today?" Miles muttered and prepared himself for the absolute worse. Sitting and eating alone at the cafeteria while being surrounded by way too many people. His social anxiety surely enjoyed that.
But he picked up the bowl of dumpling soup and found an empty table for himself. Sadly it was not at the far corner of the room, in fact it was right in the middle of the cafeteria. Miles rolled his eyes at the pure 'luck' but sat down anyway and started eating.
It should all be all right. Just don't look up and focus on your food. This absolutely delicious bowl of dumpling soup-'Damn, did they get a new chef?'
But as he was eating, his mind had wandered off towards the one person he couldn't stop thinking about. It had been around a month ever since that incident with Gwen and there was still not a single sign of her around. He had given up on calling and texting her, trusting Miguel who still claimed that she was fine.
But he was wondering so many things. Was she really getting better or worse? Was she thinking about him? When could he see her again? Was Miguel telling a lie all along and she had actually died...
Shit no, don't think like that Miles. Miguel wouldn't lie about it and he had been insistent on the fact that Gwen was all right. He should believe him. But his doubts and worries wouldn't let him rest. His nightmares had certainly reduced but they were not entirely gone either. And he shouldn't be thinking things that could make him emotional in public space.
But at least there was some type of relief knowing that she might in fact be fine, and he was able to enjoy his food. However, his heart could only truly find rest after seeing Gwen better with his own eyes.
He was so immersed in his delicious soup - 'Oh my God, I need the recipe for this' - that he didn't realize someone putting down their plate in front of him, until an all too familiar voice asked: "Is this seat taken or can I sit here?"
Miles felt his heart beating rapidly, when he recognized the voice and looked up to see the one person he had been missing so dearly for so long. Gwen Stacy in all her glory.
Miles looked up at her, not able to comprehend that it was in fact Gwen that he was seeing. It felt too good to be true, especially with the way she looked. She was still tiny and bony, but not as worryingly skinny as she had been the last time he saw her. The color of her skin returned replacing that sickly gray, her hair was shinier and looked less broken, her cheeks were no longer sunken in, but most importantly her eyes no longer looked dull, like there was life again.
Miles let his spoon fall and stood up from his seat without taking his eyes off of her, fearing that she would disappear the second he looked away. But she was still there, standing in front of him as she looked at Miles with shiny blue eyes.
"Gwen, you..." Miles said, but didn't know what he actually wanted to say.
"Hey Miles," Gwen softly said and smiled at him lightly, even though she looked hesitant and a bit worried for his reaction.
Miles was overwhelmed with emotions. Shock, surprise, adoration, pure happiness, and confusion. He could have cried tears of joy right in this moment, but instead, he took a step forward and pulled Gwen into his arms.
Gwen froze at his sudden action but then wrapped her own arms around his waist and hid her face in his shoulder while Miles tightly embraced her as he hid his own face in her hair. This hug felt like one of a dream, because this was all he had been wanting to do for so long. Someone please pinch him.
Gwen was here, safe and healthier. He finally saw her, everything he wanted for so, so long. He was scared that this was only a dream, so Miles wrapped his arms tighter around her.
"Gwen, I..." Miles whispered, overwhelmed with emotions and unable to say anything coherent at this point.
"I missed you, too, Miles. I missed you so much," Gwen said and buried her face deeper into his shoulder.
His right hand went up to go through her hair, which now had the same haircut it did when they first met. It was nostalgic, even if he kind of missed the pink ends and the shaved side. But he loved it anyway, especially because it was almost as soft and shiny as it used to be.
(He would like to forget why he knew how soft her hair was back then though, still cringing for his younger self, thank you very much.)
Going through her hair felt comforting and therapeutic, and he didn't want to stop. However, suddenly Gwen lightly pulled back and looked up at him. He could see in her eyes that she was just as overwhelmed as him.
"Come on, let's eat up. There's a lot I need to catch up on," Gwen said, but was reluctant to let go of the embrace, just like Miles.
The two sat down but neither broke their eye contact.
"Is this soup any good?" Gwen asked, as a mean to start a conversation, as it was kind of awkward right now with the elephant in the room.
It took Miles a moment to realize that she was talking to him, he was too busy staring at her. But once he did he answered: "Huh? O-oh yeah. It's so good. Would recommend it, ten out of ten."
Gwen smiled and started eating her soup. Miles ate his soup as well but was too focused on Gwen that he ate on autopilot mode.
She looked very focused while she was eating. Each bite taken very carefully and slowly. It looked like she enjoyed the soup, but sometimes she would stop, furrow her eyebrows, play with her spoon and then continue eating. SHe was struggling a bit and he could see that.
He took a closer look at her appearance. After not having seen her in a month, she looked like a whole new person. She wore loose white pants, a white shirt and a purple sweater on top of it. It was pretty warm today, but he guessed that she was still cold.
Her cheeks were no longer sunken in, but he still missed her cute, round cheeks. Her eyes were no longer dull but she still had that tired look in her eyes. And the few times she spoke he realized that her voice was quite weak. She was still not strong enough to speak loudly.
For a stranger this was the sight of a sick girl, to Miles and everybody else who had seen Gwen around a month ago, she looked practically newborn.
He was so immersed into his studying that he didn't even realize Gwen looking up at him, saying his name and chuckling until she snapped her fingers right in front of his eyes.
"Wait, what?" Miles asked, dazzled.
"I asked if we can go somewhere alone. We're both finished with our food," Gwen said.
Miles looked down at his bowl. Huh, he had actually finished his soup and didn't even notice it, well now he was sad.
"Yeah sure. Come on," Miles said.
They brought back their trays, walked out of the cafeteria and Miles opened up the portal to his dimension. Once they arrived, Miles was about to swing until he realized something.
"Do you have your web shooters?" He asked.
"No, I won't have them for quite some time, yet," Gwen sighed out.
"Okay, then hold on. I'm gonna take us both," Miles said as he wrapped his arm around her waist.
He could still feel her backbone, but it was not as bad and prominent as the last time. Improvement was there, even if it was just a little, but it was still there. That was all he cared about.
Once the two landed at the top of the Williamsburg Bank Building, the two sat down, leaning against a wall. It was silent for a moment, but neither seemed to care, just taking in the nostalgia of sitting at this place. However, this time they didn't sit upside down, but it didn't matter. Their presence was momentarily enough for each other, especially for Miles. He still couldn't believe she was here. Oh my God, Gwen is actually here.
"I missed swinging around. I nearly forgot how freeing it is," Gwen said, breaking their silence.
"How long until you get your suit back?" Miles asked and looked down at her.
"Until I get a green lit from both my psychologist and doctor. I don't know when that's gonna happen but I can't wait for that to finally happen," Gwen said.
"When that day comes," -'When, not if'- "We need to have a race," Miles said with a smile as he looked at her.
"Then get ready to lose," Gwen smiled back.
'Oh God, I missed that smile,' Miles thought as his heart melted for several reasons.
"In your dreams," Miles laughed.
Once their laughter died down, it was silent for another moment until Gwen released a deep breath.
"I really, really messed up," Gwen admitted through gritted teeth and closed eyes.
"No, don't say that," Miles tried reassuring her, understanding what she meant by that. "It's not your fault."
"But I did. I hurt absolutely everyone that I care for and now I have to live with the consequences," Gwen took in a shaky breath. "I could've died, Miles," she whispered.
Miles' heart dropped to his stomach. Thinking about the possibility of her dying was one thing, but hearing it coming out of her mouth was something else. It felt like being thrown into ice cold water, the truth was unavoidable, and there was no way he could deny it. She really could've died.
"I'm sorry, Miles," she choked out and looked up at him with teary eyes. "I'm sorry for hurting you."
"You didn't hurt me, Gwen. I was just worried," Miles said.
If by worried he meant that he woke up every morning panicking and scared out of his mind of receiving a phone call with the news of her death, then yeah, he was only worried. But she didn't need to know that. There was already too much pressure on her and she didn't need that on her conscience.
"But that doesn't matter anyway. How- how are you? How is it all going?" Miles asked.
"If by that you're asking about my recovery then yeah, I'm far from recovered," Gwen said. "My doctor said that I'm at the beginning of the beginning stage."
Miles heart broke for her, because he could hear the frustration and irritation in her voice.
"I'm still way too underweight, very anemic and it's just too much at times, and I can't do anything about it but just wait for it to pass and continue," Gwen told.
Those... were certainly not the words he had been wanting to hear from her. But he had to be realistic, because he remembered reading about anorexia recovery taking a very long time for some people. He was actually a bit surprised that she was telling him all of this so freely. He guessed that she trusted him enough to tell him, which, if that was the case, then that made him very happy.
"But," Gwen started, and Miles looked up again. "It's getting better, and... yeah, it's just getting better.'
He could see a small smile forming on her face and he couldn't help but smile too. He was sure that there was a lot that Gwen wanted to tell, but she didn't. He didn't mention it though. Miles could see that it was very hard for her, that it was too much pressure and she didn't feel too comfortable telling him that yet. But he could wait.
"I missed you, Miles," Gwen whispered, and he felt his heart nearly beating out of his chest. "I missed you all so much, I think of you guys every day."
A tear was rolling down her face, but the light, genuine smile never left her face. "It's what kept me from not giving up. If getting better meant seeing you guys and be happy again, then yeah, I gave it my all."
"I'm proud of you, Gwen," Miles said.
He meant it, because seeing her like this and knowing that it was difficult for her while still pushing through made him feel so proud of her.
She looked up at him with a smile, enchanted eyes and said: "Thank you, Miles."
"Always," he said to her and smiled back.
She put her head on his shoulder and the two continued watching over the city. He tried to ignore the rapid beating of his heart, knowing that it was not the time to think about the fact that his crush was so close to him. 'And she smelled so good, holy shit'
For now, he was just happy that things were getting better for her, that she was getting healthier and that for at least now, their friendship survived this horrible war. Things still needed time and he wanted to wait before his actions were too much for her. He put his head on top of hers.
He still had a question though. "Say, what made you actually start going to recovery? I know that Miguel and Jess took your suit away, but they didn't force you to start," he asked her.
"Oh, there's just this little girl who's been telling me to get my shit together and made me realize a lot of things," Gwen chuckled. "How are things going in your universe by the way? How's Ganke?" She asked
'What?' Miles thought puzzled.
"Wait, wait. What? Who the hell said what?" Miles asked, completely baffled.