Chapter 8
When Gwen received the text from Miguel, she swallowed down the lump in her throat. 'We need to talk' never meant anything good, and Gwen was sure that this case was not any different, especially because it was Miguel.
She thought of several reasons as to why he would call her over other than a mission, since it was clear by his text that he definitely didn't call her over for that. It had been so long since she had been to one, and for him to call her right now for that reason would be strange. So with all that in mind, the idea of wrecking her goober and running away seemed pretty ideal at the moment.
Still, she changed into her spider suit and used her goober to go to the HQ to talk with Miguel. Meanwhile, a million thoughts went through Gwen's mind. Why would he call her? Did he call only her or was someone else included? She hadn't seen him in such a long time, so any reason was possible. It wasn't like he knew about what was going on with her, right?
It felt like an eternity until she arrived, but that was on purpose because she was taking minor steps in order to save time. Her gut feeling screamed 'danger, danger, danger!' But she had no choice other than talking to him, because running away from Miguel is like running away from a pesky little leech. It's impossible. And once she stood in front of the door to his office, she took a deep, yet shaky breath and hesitantly opened the door.
"Hello Miguel?" Gwen asked with a raspy voice as she looked around the room trying to find the one person she was (not) looking for.
But it didn't take long until she saw Miguel and Jessica patiently sitting, undoubtedly waiting for her arrival. Gwen's eyes widened at the sight of Jessica, whom she hadn't seen in such a long time. A family emergency they said it was, apparently her son had gotten really sick and she had to take a break from the Spider Society. And then after that, Gwen stopped coming to the HQ so she never got the chance to see her mentor.
It was only now that Gwen realized how much she missed her, and she was grateful and relieved to see her here. Gwen didn't think she could handle any conversation with Miguel alone. It wasn't that she was afraid of him, but more so the fact that, unlike Jessica, he was way too professional at times and would lose all sense of empathy. But only sometimes.
"H-hello?" Gwen murmured.
The moment the two got aware of Gwen's presence, they turned their gaze towards her. It took a mere second to register, but once they saw the state of her whole body, both looked deeply horrified. She could see Miguel's chest rise as he took in a sharp breath, and hear Jess whispering "Oh my God."
Gwen didn't know what to do, how to behave, where to look, and everything else. She felt exposed as they eyed her like that, the way people would look whenever they saw a car accident. So Gwen's appearance was comparable to a car accident. Nice.
Gwen was about to say something, to break the incredibly awkward silence, until she heard Jess mutter to Miguel: "It looks even worse than he said it was," to which Miguel responded with: "Yeah, I know, but it doesn't matter. Let's just talk first."
It was the 'he' that got Gwen's interest. Seemed like somebody thought that it would be a great plan to snitch on her, and Gwen had several ideas on who that 'he' might be, but there was only one person who could've done this recently.
Jess and Miguel got up and walked over to Gwen, as she was fidgeting with her hands and trying to calm down her nerves.
"Long time no see, Gwen," Jessica said once the two stood in front of the teen.
Gwen tried to smile, which was difficult with the rising panic and said: "Yeah." Gwen didn't think she could really talk right now.
"Gwen, we need to talk," Miguel sternly said.
She could see in the way that Jess closed her eyes and tensed up that she was unhappy with Miguel's boldness, but she stopped herself from saying anything, because there were more important matters.
Gwen however, swallowed down the lump in her throat. Reading those words through a text message was one thing, but hearing them out loud was another, and she could feel her palms turning sweaty. "Oh really?" Gwen said as she refused to hold eye contact with them.
'Get me outta here. Someone, please, get me outta here!' Gwen thought, hoping that this message would somehow reach someone telepathically outside the office and rescue her.
"Come on, Gwen. Let's just sit down and talk for a moment," Jess said in a cool voice. " Calmly," she added in a more serious tone, which was obviously directed towards Miguel and his brash demeanor.
Jess tried to make Gwen feel as relaxed and calm as possible since she could easily tell that Gwen didn't feel good being around here. She put a hand on her shoulder, smiled lightly (or at least she tried to, because her face looked tense) and walked just as slowly as Gwen. But none of that helped in any way to loosen her up.
Because Gwen could feel it. She knew what was coming to her, but she still wanted to deny it, deny it so badly. But at this point she started losing hope that this spiteful and strangely addictive cycle could continue in any way, because everybody fought so hard for her to stop. None of them succeeded so far, but Gwen just knew that these two would somehow win this battle, especially Miguel. Her friends were too scared of hurting her and their friendship, Miguel didn't care about that.
The moment she sat down with the two directly facing her, Miguel started talking: "Gwen, you know why you're here."
His voice was as serious and stern as always, however, she noted that there was a hint of sadness and hesitation as well. Gwen stayed silent, not knowing what to say. Was she supposed to give up? What did that even mean? What could he even do with her? Could her force her to give up?
"I- Fuck, I don't even know how to approach this," Miguel said and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers.
'The don't,' Gwen wanted to say.
"Gwen, look. First we want you to know that this is all for you, okay? Not for us, not for anyone else, just you," Jess said, when she realized that Miguel genuinely didn't know how to continue this conversation.
Gwen didn't say anything, only nodded her head. When Jess got the notion that Gwen wasn't very talkative, she continued.
"So, what happened to you?" Jess asked meekly.
That was the question, the same question that MJ asked back at school. Unlike the 'are you okay's, where she could easily lie without any hesitation, this question made her bewildered and speechless. She couldn't really lie when it came to that question. She couldn't even find the words to say.
Gwen's eyes were frantically looking around as she thought about it. What had happened to her? Well, simply everything. It wasn't like anything in her life was going well anyway. Might as well just point at herself as an answer. But she only shrugged her shoulders.
"We know it's anorexia, Gwen," Miguel said, and Gwen flinched.
Anorexia. Yeah, that word had crossed her mind once or twice. It was never something she had deeply thought about though. She had never known anyone in her life that had anorexia, but Gwen had only a distinct memory from her childhood where she witnessed one of the older girls in her ballet school vomitting into the toilette after shoving two fingers down her throat.
But she didn't think she was anorexic. Gwen thought she was merely doing what needed to be done, that wasn't anorexia. Or maybe it was? She didn't know enough about anorexia to begin with, but Gwen was certain she didn't struggle with that.
"But do *you* know that?" he asked, and she could hear in his voice that Miguel was genuine curious.
"Why-" Gwen coughed away the tightness in her throat. "Why should I be anorexic?"
Jess and Miguel looked at each other with knowing looks, which made Gwen feel even more at unease. What was going? Why did they look like they knew something she didn't?
Jessica turned back to her and said: "Gwen, we know that things have been very difficult for you, really, and we want to help you out, but you need to talk with us about it."
Gwen tried to calm down, because her breathing was getting more hectic, and a panic attack right in front of them would only let them win. She didn't want them to win, didn't want to talk to them or tell them anything. They wouldn't understand it anyway. But she was cornered by the two people who wouldn't be faced by anything she would threaten them with, Gwen had no chance to win this battle.
"No, Gwen said firmly. "I don't have to tell you guys about anything."
Maybe this wasn't the greatest response, but she wasn't in a state where she could think about how disrespectful her words were. Gwen just wanted to get out of there, get outside and breathe. She needed to breathe.
"No, you're right. You don't have to tell us," Jess said.
Gwen wasn't easily moved, she knew there was a big 'but' coming.
"But!" Jess started.
'See?'
"We won't let you continue doing any of this."
And there it is. Gwen knew it. She fucking knew it.
She neither nodded nor said anything. she just released a breath in sheer disbelieve and shook her head.
"Look, Gwen. I know this will be very hard on you. But-" Jess released a sigh. "We're giving you an option. We have to do this"
'No, you don't,' Gwen thought paranoidly.
This time, Miguel spoke. "So, either you'll be starting therapy and treatment at the HQ for your anorexia" -"there it was. that word again.' "where you won't have to pay for anything, or..." Miguel stopped.
"Or what?" Gwen whispered.
She knew. She knew what was about to come, and yet she still was not ready to hear it.
"We're gonna take your suit away until you start," Miguel finished, confirming what Gwen expected to hear.
Still, no amount of preparation for this moment could have prepared her for this. Gwen's heart dropped to her stomach, and she felt overwhelmed by all her emotions.
"What? No! You can't do that!" Gwen exclaimed. " You guys got everything wrong. I'm completely fine. Seriously, I'm totally fine."
Miguel took a second to continue, trying to keep his cool. It was hard trying to talk to her in this situation, especially because both had no idea how approach this matter at all. Her denial made them want to shake her by her shoulders and they had to remain calm and collected, especially Miguel, who was close to losing his temper.
"Gwen, it's not up to debate. You've been putting civilians in danger, you've lost almost all of your strength, and most importantly, you've been in more harm than ever before," Miguel said sternly.
Gwen felt a tear falling from her eye. Being Spider-Woman was the last thing that kept her sane, made her feel like there was a purpose left in her life, and now that this was being taken away from her she felt her ground shaking.
"We're not doing this because we want to spite you, Gwen. We're doing this because we are all genuinely worried about you," Jess said with a soft voice. "But until you're physically and mentally at a good condition, we will have to take your suit away."
Suddenly, Gwen remembered their conversation from when she entered the room.
"I heard you guys talking after you saw me," Gwen muttered through gritted teeth. "Somebody told you guys on me, right?"
But they never answered her question, instead Miguel only said: "Gwen, give me your suit."
Gwen knew it, and she also already knew who was responsible for all this. Anger built up in the pit of her stomach as angry tears were pouring down her face.
"It was Hobie, wasn't it?" Gwen sharply asked, her hands balling into fists.
"Gwen!" Miguel said with a demanding voice, to which Jess scolded him. "Miguel, calm down!"
Gwen was fuming, but was too tired to argue and only said "fine," and got up.
"There are some spare clothes in the bathroom for you. Get changed into them, you don't have to give them back," Miguel said, as she walked towards the bathroom to get changed out of her suit.
'Wow, that was so nice of him. What a gentleman he was, Miguel fucking O'Hara' Gwen thought in the heat of the moment.
It was a disaster getting changed. Her anger was immeasurable to the point that she nearly ripped her suit into half. Angry tears were still pouring down her face, and when she returned to Miguel's office, she nearly threw the suit onto his face hadn't it been for the last bit of restrain she had left.
"You can keep your goober, I don't have a reason to take that away from you. Once you're ready, you can contact one of us," Miguel said, but at this point, Gwen stopped listening to him and didn't reply either.
"Gwen, wait!" Jess called out, but Gwen didn't care at this point. She had no reason to listen to her, to them. Not anymore.
She just wanted to go away, leave and punch the closest wall that was optional for her, scream and break down. But the second she opened the door to leave, she was face to face with the one person who put her into this situation, and it was no longer a wall she wanted to punch.
Hobie was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed as he looked at her with a serious gaze and Gwen was about to explode from anger.
"You, how could you?" Gwen screamed out loud and stomped over towards him, ready to attack.
When Gwen lifted up her fist to punch him, he grabbed it mid-air and said, "Gwendy, listen-"
"Don't call me that!" Gwen exclaimed, and tried to free her arm but to no avail. She was so weak that her arm would not even flinch in his grip.
"Why? Why would you do this to me?" Gwen started crying.
'Oh my God' Gwen thought, she was such a mess. A miserable, emotional and wrecky mess.
"You'll understand me one day," was all Hobie said.
Suddenly she felt someone lightly grab her shoulder and pull her away from Hobie, who released his grip form her arm.
"Gwen, come on. Calm down," she recognized Jessica's voice.
But Gwen wouldn't listen and only shook her head as she kept on crying. Jessica's hands were the only thing that were keeping her upright as she would had most likely fallen onto the floor.
There were several Spider-People around watching Gwen breaking down in the middle of the hallway, but she didn't care. She didn't care if they thought she behaved like a drama queen. God, did she stop caring, because nothing in her life had any meaning anymore. She just wanted to quit entirely and never face the world ever again.
Suddenly she felt another hand on her back caressing her and an all too familiar voice talking to her. "Gwen? Gwen, do you hear me? Breathe, come on, just breathe."
Slowly Gwen looked up and through her teary and glassy eyes, she could see Miles look at her, concerned and horrified. Gwen didn't say anything and only stared at him blankly until she could no longer handle that sad look on his face. No, he should've never seen her like this. It was all she had been trying to avoid.
"I'm sorry, Miles, " Gwen whispered and looked away from him.
She immediately opened the portal to her own universe and left without turning around. Luckily nobody seemed to have stopped her, or at least not managed to hold her back. She just wanted to leave and she planned on not returning ever again.
Gwen was just done.
At least, that was what it felt like right now. The moment she returned to her room, (after getting changed into her own clothes and throwing the spare one's into the trash) she leaned against her bed on her bedroom floor, hugging her knees to her chest and grabbed fistfuls of her hair. Gwen could barely breathe to the point it was actually painful.
Shit. She regretted this. Because through all the whirlwind going on her head, she could see that her current state was a catastrophe. She had done this again. Rejected help when it was offered and regretted it once she realized it. She regretted how she handled it. She regtretted it, and now her suit was gone. Everybody had seen and heard it happening.
Her mind was filled with anger, disappointment towards herself, and frustration.
Frustration, because she very much knew that Miguel and Jess were right. Frustration, because she could not get better no matter how hard she tried. Frustration because she wanted to get better but at the same time not. Frustration, because she tried to change for so many people, and she still relapsed each time. Frustration, because she wanted to live normally again, but the idea of living without her addiction was scary.
Gwen felt like she was caught in an endless spiral of feeling miserable, trying to get better, something snapping inside of her, and relapsing. More than that, she found it scary how much control her mind had over her entire existence.
What was it again, feeling in control of everything? It was definitely the opposite and she could clearly see that now.
At the same time, Gwen did not want to give this up, could not imagine giving this up. It was too familiar, and sometimes sickeningly comforting as well. Knowing that something she deserved had control over her, why should she give this up?
Her mind was in a constant battle of ‘continue, you deserve this anyway, you wrench’ and ‘just quit, Gwen. This is not good for you.’
Gwen knew that this was not good for her, but for some reason whatsoever, this argument was not strong enough to pull her back onto her feet. She didn’t see herself worthy enough to deserve better.
She was very well aware of the tears streaming down her face. In fact, Gwen tried her hardest to keep her sobs down so her father, who was in the living room judging by the noise of the TV, wouldn’t hear her. She didn’t want him to deal with her shit. Gwen already knew how much he already had to deal with solely because of all the terror she had been causing at home. She couldn't remember the last time she saw him smile. Shit.
But it was difficult for Gwen to even care anymore. She was so hungry, freezing cold – despite wearing a big hoodie – weak, and the brain fog made it hard for her to think.
All she wanted was for somebody to hold her right now, but there was no one left to comfort her after she had successfully pushed everyone away. There was nobody left for her. Or at least, there was nobody left that didn’t receive Gwen’s nonverbal message of ‘please, stay away from me,' because everybody would still jump into the first opportunity of helping her. Not that Gwen was aware of that though.
Maybe nobody would come to her comfort, but Gwen remembered that she still had pictures on her phone. So she grabbed her phone, opened the photo app and went through the gallery of pictures, immediately feeling the numbness taking over her and her heart swelling at the sight of her favorite people. No matter what, there were always pictures to help her out.
It was filled with pictures and videos of good times. A series of pictures she had taken of Mayday, Miles and herself during babysitting, an hour-long video of Hobie playing the guitar outside of Miguel's office until Miguel lost his cool, pictures of her time visiting the others’ universes and so on. Her smiles on those pictures were genuine and they reached her eyes as well.
For a second, Gwen felt the anger resurface when she saw Hobie but pushed the thought away and continued scrolling. She didn't want to think of that and instead remember all their good times together.
Gwen smiled at those memories brought up by those pictures and felt a sense of longing. She knew she could go back to this, but she didn’t know how. Gwen was chained down, but she tried not to think about it for a moment and still continued scrolling through the pictures.
A few more pictures and videos, some of them making her laugh, like that one picture of the time Peter's face was burning red after eating something really spicy that Pavitr's aunt had cooked for them. That day was probably one of the funniest day she had ever experienced. It was filled with deep belly laughs and nonsensical conversations.
After a few more pictures, her finger suddenly stopped scrolling when she came across a picture of herself where she was 6 years old.
She remembered. It was a picture her father had sent to her while he was going through old pictures in their photo albums. In this particular picture, Gwen was in what seemed to be a dance studio, wearing a ballet tutu, holding up a peace sign and smiling brightly at the camera. Her hair. Oh wow, her hair was so different back then. She used to have much longer hair, bangs nearly covering eyes and wear a black hairband.
She didn’t remember this specific moment, however, looking back at her childhood, Gwen knew that this was how she used to be all the time. Bright, passionate about everything, and filled with life. She was very happy all the time, and this picture reflected her spirit from the time perfectly.
Gwen could not stop staring at the picture. It caused a whirlwind of feeling happy and guilty at the same time. But still, she smiled because she could vividly imagine what she must have been doing in the studio. It was always the same.
Gwen was a talented dancer, and she had always been very well aware of that. So instead of practicing with the other kids, Gwen would run around, push the other girls from their position until they lost balance and disobey the dance instructors. And just as the dance instructors would give up chasing her, she would start dancing along with the others and try to cover up the mischievous smirk on her face while her instructors would be fuming.
In another universe, this version of Gwen Stacy was still dancing around and pranking her instructors, just like how she and Miles once used to prank Miguel.
In another universe, this Gwen Stacy was sleeping through the night without being awoken by the excruciating pain in her bones. She had the strength and energy to go through the day and walk without feeling like her legs were being crushed, went to sleep with a full stomach, spent time with her friends and father, and most importantly, she was happy.
Her smile was fading from her face the more she thought about it. Was there another universe with this Gwen Stacy? Maybe, maybe not. Gwen had at least not met her, yet. But did she have to meet her? Could she even meet her?
This Gwen Stacy might not exist in another universe, but she once existed in the one she was in currently. Gwen was this little girl once, and somewhere deep down she could still feel that girl trying to come out.
That thought, no matter how real that was, seemed unbelievable to her. She had the memories, there were many pictures from her childhood, and yet she still couldn’t comprehend that this little girl was once her. Those two Gwens were millions of years apart.
Suddenly, a thought struck her mind. ‘What would I ever say if I had the chance to meet her, meet little me?’ and all of a sudden Gwen stopped breathing.
'Oh shit,' Gwen thought.
She didn’t think she could ever approach and talk to her childhood self. She could only imagine what would happen. Little Gwen would fall to pieces on the floor at the realization of having her happiness taken away from her and would not find the strength nor see a reason to get up again.
She didn’t want to see that happening. The idea of looking at this picture and telling this little girl that she would no longer be happy in the future was not something she wanted to imagine. She liked, if not, loved that little girl since she had been through things that made Gwen smile and laugh to this day.
This picture replacing a smiling 6-year-old Gwen with a depressed and sick girl who looked on the verge of death? No, she would rather die than see that happening. But that was exactly what was happening, and it hit Gwen like a bomb. A bomb that left an irreparable mark.
“Fuck,” Gwen said out loud. “What have I done?”
Her phone was shaking in her hands as she tightly grabbed onto it. Gwen did this. She ruined the happiness that this little girl felt with all her heart and soul. She sucked the light out of her eyes and left her behind, sick and unwell.
Gwen wanted to apologize to her. She wanted to hug and apologize to this little girl for ruining her future and taking her joy in life away. She wanted to apologize for never getting help during her hardest times even though so many people offered their hands. She wanted to apologize for isolating herself and distancing herself from the people who always loved her.
She could feel her. That girl in the picture was still with her and wondering why she was so unwell, why she was so unhappy and why she had no friends left.
Gwen wanted to talk, but she couldn’t talk to her while she was in this wretched and gloomy state. Gwen would be too ashamed to meet her like that.
“I’m sorry,” Gwen whispered and closed her eyes, because she finally registered that she harmed herself the most.
“Fuck, I’m so, so sorry.”
Gwen threw her phone behind her onto the bed and leaned back her head started sobbing silently. All this time, Gwen thought she was doing something good, something that she deserved for everything that she had previously messed up. But now she realized that she made everything worse.
Because no, that girl in the picture did not deserve to starve and isolate herself to her deathbed. Is this was Hobie meant when he said that she would eventually understand him one day?
All this time, she tried getting better for everyone else. But now she knew. she needed to get better for herself. Gwen wanted to get better. She needed to get better. If only so that the little girl in the picture would find peace and rest within her.
So much damage had been done already though, and Gwen didn’t know if she could approach anyone right now, until it suddenly hit her. There was only one person Gwen could think of right now. And as she opened the door with trembling hands, she was relieved to see her father still sitting on the couch watching TV.
However, he must have been pretty tired from work today as he didn’t even notice her slowly nearing towards him.
“Dad?” Gwen said nervously.
At the sound of her voice, he immediately jostled and stood up, looking very surprised. If Gwen paid more attention, she could see a hopeful glance directed at her. He didn’t know whether to walk up to her, hold her and so on, so he just started talking.
“Gwen? Every- is everything okay? Are you... are you okay?” he asked, but thought to himself how stupid the question was, because clearly, she was not, judging by the tears streaming down her face and the fact that she was actually approaching him at all.
Gwen waited for a few seconds, closed her eyes and rubbed them with the sleeves of her hoodie. “No, I’m not,” Gwen admitted in defeat, and started crying out loud.
Not even a second later, Gwen could feel strong arms wrapped around her and a kiss on top of her head. She felt the baggage slowly fading and the burden being lifted from her shoulders, knowing that she was not completely alone. But holy shit, even just saying that she wasn't okay felt like a huge relief, which it actually was. Months of lying to everyone, and saying that she was completely fine was exhausting.
“It’s all right. Just let it all out,’’ he consoled and held her as tightly as he could while Gwen sobbed into his chest.
He tried not to make it obvious but hugging her while she was in this physical condition was distressing and upsetting to say the least. Gwen was worryingly tiny, and even through the big hoodie he could feel her bones popping out. But he refused to let go of her.
“I can’t do this anymore,” Gwen said with a raspy voice and leaned back from his chest to look up at him with broken and exhausted eyes. He could feel his heart breaking at the sight.
He looked around frantically, as if the answer was somewhere written on the walls, and then turned back around to face Gwen when he realized that the room could not help out.
“Come on, sit down on the couch. Get yourself comfortable and then tell me everything, all right?” he said as he led Gwen towards the couch.
The instant when Gwen sat down on the far corner of the couch, her father threw a blanket around her. Anyone with half a vision could see that Gwen was freezing based on her shivering form. She was freezing to the touch. He immediately got up, prepared a hot water bottle and a glass of water for Gwen before he returned to her.
“Thank you,” Gwen hiccuped, grabbed the hot water bottle and clutched it instantly, feeling a bit of warmth coursing throughout her whole body.
“Here drink this. This should help,” he said and offered Gwen the glass of water as he kneeled down in front of her on the floor.
Gwen hastily drank the cold glass of water and savored every single sip she drank, because damn, it felt so good. She grasped the glass as tightly as she could and simply relished in the feeling of being hydrated, especially after all the crying.
Her father put her hair behind her left ear and asked: “Now tell me, what happened?”
Gwen sighed and looked down at the glass in her hands. It was either now or never, and she was not enitrely ready to open up, but she knew she needed to.
“I messed up,” she started, and waited for him to say something. When nothing came, she continued.
“I.. I hurt everyone by hurting myself. I pushed everyone away, and I’m scared that it’s too late to fix this. But the worst part is that I allowed for it to go this far. I hate-” Gwen was about to say ‘myself’ but halted. Saying that, even thinking that felt like an attack at baby Gwen, and that girl deserved better than that.
“I hate what I did to myself.”
Her father was now caressing her cheekbone, wiping some of the dried tears away. “Why, Gwen? Why did you do this to yourself?”
“Because I thought I deserved it. I hurt so many people that I thought I need to punish myself. I hurt Miles, I hurt you, I hurt many civilians as Spider-Woman. I didn’t know how to deal with my emotions and not eating felt like something that I needed,” Gwen told him.
He stayed quiet as her confession sat heavy in his heart. “Why didn’t you ever talk to anyone about this?” He asked meekly.
“Because I didn’t want to bother anyone with my stupid problems, and I had somehow convinced myself that I did the right thing. But now I know that... I did everything worse.”
It was stressful yet freeing talking to him about this at the same time. Gwen wore her heart on her sleeves and let everything out without thinking twice about it. Maybe she would regret this later, but for now the baggage was finally leaving her shoulders.
“I saw that picture you had sent of little me in the ballet studio. And I thought that maybe, I do deserve to be happy.”
Her father released a deep breath of relief and felt like he could start crying tears of joy, because this was all that he had been wanting to hear for so long. Gwen admitting that she had a problem was one thing, but her saying that she deserved to be happy was everything.
“Oh Gwennie,” he said and sat down next to her on the couch to hug her.
Gwen automatically leaned towards his chest, closed her eyes and enjoyed the warmth and comfort from her father’s fingers going through her hair.
“Gwen, I- I don’t know and I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through this entire time, but I want to try and understand. And I wanna help every moment that I can.”
Gwen opened her eyes at this. “Really?”
“Yes, really. You had my back before, and now I will have yours. I’ll try as much as I can. I promise,” he assured.
Gwen was quiet until she looked up at him and asked: “Then, can you do something for me?”
“Definitely, what is it?” He looked down into her eyes.
Gwen thought about it for a hot second. Should she, or not?
“Can you cook something for me? I’m hungry,” Gwen asked with a flushed face.
That was not the request he was expecting but he could not deny it, especially not with that look in her eyes. She looked like a puppy.
“Pasta at 9pm sounds ideal to me,” he said jokingly and got up from the couch.
Gwen looked surprised, but then giggled at his remark and got up to follow him. When he noticed her coming along, he stopped.
“Are you sure you wanna come? You can just wait until it's ready," he said, but Gwen only shook her head.
"No, I wanna cook with you," Gwen said as she followed him. "I think I could need it."
It's been so long since Gwen cooked pasta. Scratch that, it's been so long since Gwen cooked anything, and it was kind of rough to start cooking. But there was nothing as easy as cooking pasta, and fortunately she got the hang of it immediately. It would be embarrassing if she didn't.
During the entire time, Gwen thought about how this was it. This was her start to getting normal, healthy and happy. This was for herself and nobody else. Sure, she loved the people around her and would want to see them happy, but that was obviously not motivation enough to actually want to get better. And maybe her being happy would make them happier than whatever she had tried before.
And once she saw the beautiful plate of pasta and the delicious smell hitting her nose, Gwen felt a slight dread at the pit of her stomach.
'Don't' it said in her head, and for just a millisecond, she thought of throwing the food into the trash.
But no! She couldn't do that. She had to eat. She had to get better. She wanted to get better.
"I mean, it's not my personal favorite time of the day to eat, but is there a set rule for that? I'm sure not," her father said lightly, trying to make this situation as light-hearted as possible.
Gwen chuckled at that. " I think a dietician would disagree but who cares," she said.
"There are way too many rules. As if someone a thousand years ago cared about eating gluten in the middle of the night after an entire day of working in the field," he said humorously, but also seriously.
Gwen laughed at that, put the plate down at the dinner table and sat down onto the chair. Gwen stared down at the plate as she held the fork in her right hand. The size of the meal was big enough for her to actually feel full for once. Everything she had eaten in the past months was barely enough to keep a little child well fed, let alone a teenager with enhancements.
It was now and not never, just simply now. Gwen took the first bite and chewed slowly, taking in the taste of the pasta. It could've been solely because this pasta was well cooked, but Gwen thought that this was the most delicious food on planet right now.
It was probably due to the fact that Gwen had not eaten a proper meal in what felt like forever, but she didn't care, she just let herself get lost in the taste of this delicious plate of pasta.
Gwen closed her eyes with each bite and tried to think of nothing other than the fact that she had been missing and needing this for so long. She ate very slowly and carefully, but unlike every other time, where she ate like this out of anxiety, this time she did it to take everything in for what it was. Her father didn't say a single word the entire time, sensing that she was practically hypnotyzed.
And once Gwen realized that her plate was empty she just stared down. The few times she had finished eating her meals, Gwen remembered, that she would break down, hate herself and tried to think of ways to punish herself. The voices in her head would be too loud, a noise she couldn't fight off and instead actually agree with.
Now it was almost silent. Almost.
The voices that were left in her mind were fought off with Gwen's suddenly intense desire to get better.
She didn't feel guilty, didn't hate herself. She felt weird though, like she had done something extraordinary that was out of this world. She felt like a criminal that was released from prison and had to adjust back to real life. But it was a feeling she had to get used to, had to remind herself that what she just did was normal. This was human. And this time, Gwen felt a little proud of herself for finishing her plate.
"You liked it?" Her father asked.
Gwen looked up at him and could see from the look in his eyes that he was wary. Scared that this could be a one time thing and that she could go back to her regular self with just one snap.
"We need to have more 9pm gluten nights. It's a ten out of ten," Gwen said with a smile trying to reassure him for real this time.
He tried to cover up his sigh of relief, but it didn't matter. Because even though things were an absolute ship's wreck, maybe she could start rebuilding the ship one by one. The ship might look like it was broken beyond repair, but even if it might take forever, Gwen was ready to do it.
*
Gwen was laying on the living room couch with her blanket thrown over herself. Her own bed, hell even her own room left a tight feeling in her chest. She couldn't sleep there and instead decided to spend this night in the living room. There was just a bad aura, an uncomfortable air in her room that made it impossible to stay in there. She decided to eventually give her room a whole make over.
She waited for her father to fall asleep so he wouldn't be worried over her sleeping on a couch. But at least the couch was comfortable.
But that was besides the point. A while after she had finished her dinner, she felt really bloated and stuffed. It was very uncomfortable, especially because a sudden coldness hit after feeling warm for a moment. It was just a very sick feeling overall. Was this her body's punishment for putting it through so much torment?
And maybe, just maybe Gwen thought of not doing all this if she was going to feel this way the entire time. Doubts were filling up her mind, mostly about how she still felt guilt over all the pasta she ate.
But she immediately fought that thought out of her head, because Gwen wanted to get better. And if that meant going through feeling a bit uncomfortable then so be it. Because honestly, Gwen would rather feel uncomfortable and happy, than miserable and sick. She was dead set. For now.
And that was when Gwen grabbed her goober and sent Jessica (not Miguel. Fuck that guy) a message.
'I'll be there starting tomorrow. No turning back, I'm all in.'
It didn't take too long until Jessica texted her back.
'Everything is set up for you. It's nice to have you back.'
And maybe, things could improve. She could eat normally again, could sleep again, hang out with her friends again, and smile again. Maybe life could finally be better and worth living. Gwen just had to be strong.
Oh she had to be strong, super strong. She hoped that this sudden desire to become better was not a temporary thing or something in the heat of the moment. She just wanted someone to reassure her that this was not temporary.
Gwen had to get better.